If I could do any job I would want to go colonize Mars, really, be stuck in a tin can for 6 months and then shiver in the freezing cold of a 0 degree Centigrade summer. Then get stuck in the tin can again and come home.

However so far that job only exists in my script. So I have to find something else.

Five years of film school has made me suitable for what exactly? I can’t work on set because the 15 hour days and super extremes of doing that kind of work would make me literally insane, and nobody likes an insane Thirza. Oh sure, it SOUNDS kind of cute, but only in hindsight. I can be really annoying when I am crazy. My ex-girlfriend can attest to that. I’ve tried to get editing jobs, but I never get called back or anything. I did some freelance editing for my friend Ariel once, but it was out of the goodness of my withered heart and I don’t think I got paid, although a lovely video was born.

I’ve considered getting a small business grant that would pay for capital costs so I could start a Final Cut Pro editing business. But I need to work on my reel more before the money will come in.

I am also accepted into an administrative assistant diploma program, but I’ve been having trouble getting the cash to actually go to it.

I have also been toying with the idea of writing copy. Actually I have already applied for a position as a copywriter. It would be fun and creative and I would write all the time. But I would also have to be selling at the same time. As an anarchist punk that is a bit of a strange concept for me to grok. I’m sure as I develop marketing skills I could apply it to my filmy-video career and get better at selling my own creative ideas so I can get money and make art! But I know all my friends would say I sold my soul to advertising. Still, the idea of doing that kind of work intrigues me. I once had this great ad slogan for KOA Campgrounds when I was in grade two and we stayed at one. KOA is A-OK. I still think it’s a great slogan!

Nevermind all that, the real reason I am looking about for a career that pays more than what I am doing now is because of my furry family. Getting evicted was the best thing that ever happened to Mister. Now we’re living in a house with a backyard. It’s temporary though, I don’t plan on living with mom forever.

Little Mister LOVES the backyard!!! He always wants to go out there and sniff about and pee and poo and he is always a straggler when it comes to going back inside. He has made it VERY clear that even though I got a small dog so I could live in apartments, he wants a house with a backyard!!! I can’t afford a backyard on my own.

This means I have to get a roommate, for the first time in YEARS! I’m a little hesitant. For one thing, I have had good and bad roommate experiences. Some have felt like strangers even a year later. And some I still talk to and am friends with, but living together was just not working. For another thing, well, I would like to be the one in charge of the house. You know, the first one there, the one who gets to say “You have to move out” if it isn’t working, not the one who has to move. It’s just a matter of personal security, to know that I will have a solid living situation I can maintain until I buy my own house.

Oh man, GROWN UP TALK! Careers and houses! Next I’ll be talking about getting a wife.
Oh hell, why not? I want a wife still. I don’t know who. I used to think I knew who, but we haven’t talked in a couple years at least and I’m pretty sure after our break up that she doesn’t intend to ever be my wife. I haven’t planned anything about the wedding except that our singer will be my ex-girlfriend Velveeta performing as Velvis, a femme Elvis impersonator. I don’t imagine it will be a huge costly wedding. I’m going to wear a tux, but my Mom explicitly says I cannot wear the one I have and I will have to buy a brand new one. The rings will not be super expensive, I’d rather make a nice video than have a 10,000 dollar ring. The diamonds will be Canadian, with those teeny polar bears etched into them microscopically to prove it.

I have wanted a wife since I was like, 17, but 32 seems to be a nice age to get one. Better than 17 that’s for sure. When I was 17 I mostly wanted a girlfriend to prove I was lovable, not necessarily because I was in love (although I was). My last visit with a psychic she said I would have one more break up and then end up with the woman I would be with for the rest of my life. Forever seems like a nice amount of time to be with someone. Most of my relationships I have felt like I just got to know my girlfriend and suddenly we were broken up. None of them have lasted very long. My longest relationship to date was a year and a month.

And I am HORRIBLY SHY when it comes to ladies. Which is my major stumbling block. I feel all flustered and get really DUMB because I am thinking naughty things and how cute they are and forget to be a good conversationalist. And then even after doing intimate things with women, I don’t know how to take it to the next level very well. I could be totally HOT for someone but end up playing all cool because I don’t want to seem like a nerd who really REALLY likes someone. Although I do and am probably telling everyone else how great this person is and how I want to marry them maybe.

The other thing is most of the partners I have had have been VERY into polyamory, and wifey talk turns them off. AT THE TIME. I have totally seen them get married later, to OTHER people. I just attract the polypeople. I don’t know why. I don’t mind it, I’ve done it, I don’t get jealous easily (we all get jealous sometimes). I don’t even envision my marriage being monogamous, although I could be monogamous pretty easy too. But getting married turns off a lot of my current and past lover type people. They say it’s about ownership. I’m a bottom, I kinda get turned on by the idea of ownership. I have kinky thoughts about marriage.

BUT what is the point of getting married if I don’t have a paying career or a house, even a rental property? No one’s going to marry me and move into my Mom’s basement with me. I am aiming to move out for January or Febuary, and I am aiming to date someone for two years before getting married. So I’m not SO CRAZY yet that I am plotting to be an instant grown up next year. But at 32 going on 33 in April I would like to be MOSTLY grown up. I have a degree! It gets me a bit more respect in the art world, but not that much more money. I have a career! But it doesn’t pay more than 4000 a year on a good year. Maybe 20 000 when I have a grant, but that’s still just eeking out a living now.

Maybe when I become a decently paid copywriter I will know how to sell myself through words to potential wives and be able to buy a house to put them in. THEM. Ha ha, I’m not a mormon, I would have one wife. And maybe or maybe not we could have other girlfriends or lovers, but I’m not picky either way.

My EI is due to run out in October sometime and I have been getting frustrated with my job search. I’ve been trying to find work that is: Within a 30-40 minute commute on transit, has regular shifts in the day time so I don’t fuck with my circadian rhythm, is full time or 35 hrs per week, and HOPEFULLY is in an office. Oh yeah, and pays at least twelve bucks an hour. But hopefully more. Although I have also applied for two jobs at the Casino, both cashier jobs. Cage cashier would be amazing just because I’d get to meet all the winners. Of course then I would only ever be able to gamble at Casino Regina or Moose Jaw. But I’m not a casino goer really.

Beatrix kitty got spayed and has been having a rough time. She cries whenever I pick her up. Right now she is cuddled up in my lap, with her purple cone on. It was Hermione’s cone when she got spayed. We have many different sizes of cones in our house for animals. Once my rat had surgery and came home with a teeny cone on. Poor Nikolas.

I was told about this one job, being a Special Constable, where you answer calls for the police department. But then I did this investigating into the hiring process and application and it was like 25 freakin’ pages long, all about EVERY possible crime you could ever be involved in. Like giving away drugs, or using illegal software, or smoking pot or doing drugs or being in possession of stolen property or being part of protest action groups! Some of it I had done and most of it I hadn’t, but to be sure, later on in the recruitment process they do a polygraph test! And they enter it all in your record that future employers could access, and could prosecute you!

So yeah, I don’t want to go through that for a job!!!!!

I’m actually wishing I could just make art. And in fact I should get my act together and write 20 more pages of script for my Mars video and grant, which is due at Canada Council by the 1st of October!!!! And I have to write a very detailed budget for it because I am applying in Production this time. And it would be good if I also made a new short to submit as supporting material. It’s just something I keep forgetting about working on in addition to my job hunting. Usually I work on my creative stuff late at night, when people are asleep. But instead I scour all the good places for want ads these days.

BORING! Looking for work is so boring. And reading the application for Special Constable was depressing. And I just want to be a famous artist and make a living off my work. No more eeking out a living in call centres. Just be a big shot and travel and be brilliant all the time and get away with outrageous behaviour because I’m an artist after all. I suppose freelancing as a jack of all media trades wouldn’t be bad either. A melange of creative/technical work. It would make me happy.

I SHOULD be earning more than I do, I feel, anyway, having gotten a bachelor’s degree. But it seems like bachelor’s degrees are the new high school and master’s degrees are the new standard. And BFA still means bachelor of fuck all. Sure I went to Emily Carr, but do people outside of the art world have any concept of what that means???

Still, career planning and plotting and doing is kind of sexy to me. I may not have always had a girlfriend, in fact mostly not, but I have had a career for half my life. Too bad being a marginalized filmmaker/video artist doesn’t pay well. I think I should save up for an appointment with my favorite psychic again and get some direction.

I don’t know, maybe I will inspire someone else to make a video from conception to completion between now and Monday night, the end of the long weekend. I was with an old friend from film school today and we were in a camera store and I picked up a MiniDV tape and decided to make my first High Definition Video. I’m soon going to be in possession of one of the newer FCP’s that can handle the HDV format. I suspect my mom’s computer can burn Blu-Ray discs. Either way, I need to try That format out because it’s going to be the usual thing. Even though I personally have neither a High Def TV or a Blu-Ray player. Grandma says everyone speaks a different language now. She can’t keep track of all the technology terms and doesn’t really care to either. I kind of admire that, that willingness to totally not even have an email account!
So HDV eh?

Well first of all, I have NO IDEA what to make it about. I know I would like to get some footage of the clouds and the grass and the river. I think I would like to wear some kind of outfit. A good hat at the very least. I’m not sure what the content could be though, like what issue or theme or conflict is going on. Recently I have been thinking about butch identity as a subject, but then I’m really conflicted on what to say about it. I find it more interesting to just insert butch characters without having to explain. I know some people have been slamming Saskatoon to me without ever having been here, so I want it to be kinda about why I like Saskatoon, but not in a Move to Saskatchewan promotional video thing. That would just be weird, I would want major money to do something like that.

I think I want it to be very Lesbian, with a Native nuance and some sprinklings of genderfuck and maybe sex somewhere in there. I suppose this means I should do some writing. I am envisioning a monologue, although a voice over dialogue would be a different twist on the whole thing. I kind of like giving myself all these parametres on a project and then creating something specifically to work within that. It makes me problem solve things and consider things more creatively than if I could do it all perfectly with millions of dollars.

The reason I am using voice over is because the best mic I have is a hand held mic and after a new computer, my next purchase will be a boom shotgun mic with a puppy and everything!
I am constrained by what I have, and the fact that beyond borrowing, I can get no more! I have no lights, ONE good mic, a few friends who can move around and say mouth words, the Fireworks festival is on this weekend, I have a fedora and a sailor hat and some suitjackets and a tux. I have three dogs and one cat. It’s been sunny and mostly green so far, I have a friend with land outside of Saskatoon that has natural prairie on it, all hilly and everything. I have a scanner and Photoshop and can import stills into FCP. I have access to creative commons sound effects.

I’ve been interested in telling native ghost stories and the paranormal and also some creepy slasher story has been going through my head for the past couple years. But I don’t have enough fake blood or the time to make a fake head.

So that’s where I am at with my project. As part of my project I will try to check in once a day and report on how I am doing making my first High Def short! Labour Day Weekend Video Challenge!!!!

So join me, it doesn’t even have to be a video, make a piece of art. We’ll all upload it onto the internet on Monday night, or more likely Tuesday night, and then go oooh at each other’s work.

By the way, yes I see the irony of doing work on a holiday. But I like making art, seems a good way to spend some time.

I am eating jellybellies and trying to think of something intelligent to say. I’m REALLY working hard on getting to be a better blogger. I am going to try and write one thing a day. Even if it is really really short. Just to get back into my writing habits. It seems I do facebooking all the time now, instead of casting these rants off into internet land where just ANYONE can come across them.
Although facebook keeps changing it’s privacy settings and then there’s your junk waving in the wind for all to see. So who knows.

I’m setting into my basement house. I’ve been trying really hard not to set the dogs off in the middle of the night. But I’ve done it a few times, and I even set some popcorn on fire at 11 one night and the smoke alarm went off. I felt pretty silly, banging on the alarm with the end of a broom while holding a pot of melting butter.

Anyway, I’m back from Vancouver, and that was great, I got to see so many old friends! It made me remember what I liked about it. But I still missed Saskatoon and was happy to come home and see everyone I know.

I need to get back into writing dialogue again. That’s so much fun. It’s like just being able to talk to myself and not be crazy! No no, I pooh pooh on your treatment, can’t you see I am busy creating!

Actually that’s an interesting discussion, if medication restricts creativity. Some people say it does and some people say it doesn’t. Then again some people can get shakes and tremors from certain meds that other people do just fine on. I think the worst medication for my creativity was Zyprexa, crap that sucked! Risperdal and I are on okay terms though.

It’s hard to really figure out though, because if you’ve been through a hypomanic episode then you know the ultimate in creative highs, and everything kind of pales in comparison after that.

Mum got an iPad. It’s really nice, but you can’t do facebook chat on it, doesn’t seem like you can anyway.
Oh I should go to bed. Well there, I wrote SOMETHING today. Now I’m going to go away and try to plot further content. I could write a story or essay with some specific elements. Leave a comment about what I should write about!

Well, I am back from Berlin, which was AMAZING and hopefully I will be going back next summer! 😀 The bummer news is that I didn’t get my grant, apparently because certain people on the jury couldn’t fathom how a documentary related to an application for a fictional drama. FUCK! Technically nearly all my videos have been classified as documentaries, ironically enough. A lot of them end up at Hot Docs anyway. Still, some people couldn’t connect my support material to my application, so no money for me! 🙁 Now I’m fucked and have to find some kind of job as soon as possible.
AND I got evicted from my apartment. Right now I’m living in my mother’s basement again, because I can afford it and have my pets with me. A pet friendly apartment in Saskatoon starts at 610 bucks, and that’s in the dodgy area of town. A nicer area costs around 850 bucks. And I have all these debts to pay off, and save up damage deposit. And 1000 bucks a month on EI is not very much, when you get down to it.
BUT whatever, life sucks sometimes. And Berlin didn’t suck, and HOPEFULLY my trip to Vancouver this next week won’t suck either, because I will be seeing some old beloved friends and screening my video for the first time EVER!!!! Of course I have no money to go though, although the ticket and hotel are paid for. Mister got colitis and I had to shell out some money for him to get treated so he wouldn’t POOP OUT BLOOD!!! Poor little guy. I love my Mister dog. I don’t want him to feel sick.
BUT what is good in my life?
Well, on a plus side my moods are EXTREMELY good! Not manic, or hypomanic, just good. I don’t feel depressed these days. I’ve been able to deal with some crap without giving up all hope. I HAVE been smoking some weed on occasion. I’m not really ready to give it up entirely, so I’m doing the Harm Reduction route and doing it less and less. I’ve generally enjoyed it, and it’s not so gawdawful when I don’t have any. I haven’t had any for a few days now actually. It’s different doing it at my mom’s, because I can’t smoke up on the property. Actually, my last couple days at my apartment one of my new neighbors started stomping around complaining about the illegal smoke coming out of my apartment, and I was like, oh fuck. BUT I was leaving, so whatever, I just kept toking with the window open. What did I care? I already knew from the maintainence meetings that they didn’t care if someone had a hashpipe in their house.
I’ve been thinking a lot about issues like mental health, and medication and if it is evil or not, and Butch-Femme (or Femme-Butch) relationships, and how I want my damn Admin Assistant diploma so I can get some decent paying job that will let me afford a pet friendly apartment in a nice neighborhood like City Park or something.
The MAIN problem with getting my schooling done is that I can’t afford the living expenses. I could get CAn-Sask to pay for my tuition, but they won’t give me any money to live, so I’m screwed. And Saskatoon Tribal Council will pay for it all, but they run out of money not very long after their next fiscal year starts, AND you have to bring them a letter of acceptance and frigging Saskatoon Business College doesn’t give me my acceptance letter until a month before classes start, which isn’t enough time. And STC wants an acceptance letter for a specific date and not just a general acceptance letter saying I could start anytime their classes start. I’ve been accepted since last spring, BUT because of all this bureacratic shit (sorry for the sp) I haven’t been able to start my program. ARG! I want to go to SCHOOL! I want to get my diploma so I can actually be qualified to apply to these seriously decent paying office jobs. There are so many, but the GOOD PAYING ones require a diploma or certificate. Oh sure, I could be a receptionist, but it would only pay 75 cents more than minimum wage. FRIG!
So, well, I’m not SO DEPRESSED about all that, although it is HIGHLY frustrating. I’ve been having a surprisingly good string of luck with super HOT HOT HOT femmes I like, although not a serious relationship. I’m pleased as punch about that, it’s always nice to kiss people who are genuinely attracted to you. And vice versa. I guess that Is why I have been thinking about Butch-Femme (Femme-Butch)dynamics. When you start bringing Top-bottom into it all it gets even more complicated.
Anyway, maybe you are wondering why I don’t get student loans or why my reserve won’t pay for me to go to school. Well, I owe 2000 bucks to student loans and haven’t paid back more than 150, and they don’t look kindly on that. ALSO my band won’t pay for my school because I already have a bachelor’s degree. If I was going for my masters, that would be a different story. BUT I don’t really want to teach, even if everyone in my family has been a prof. I just really want a job that pays decently and that there are enough of that I could quit or take time off to make my videos/feature films when I get grants or get green lighted.
Aw man, so many barriers to me being an admin assistant who makes videos! POOR ME!
I’ve been thinking about way more profound things than all this, but it’s hard to put into words on a Saturday night at 2am when I really just want to be drinking with my friends in the hottub and everyone is downtown dancing. There’s a new gay club in town but I haven’t been to it yet. I’m scared it will turn straight like pee in a pool the way the Viper Room did back in the 90’s. I should go down before it does.
Also I owe everyone money. That makes me not want to venture out AT ALL! If I hadn’t been evicted I wouldn’t owe quite so much, but I had to pay for movers, who did a shit job, and the carpet cleaner, who did a great job, and my damage deposit hasn’t come back to me yet. And other money is on it’s way, but who knows when I will get it.
SIGH!
Aw, this wasn’t meant to be a downer post, I just felt the need to update my blog readers on what was going on with me. And it turned out to all be downer. No magic Mars video is being made, just a lot of cover letters and crap. I’m writing the script though, I will try and make my video. And now that I know what confused jurors, I can avoid it the next time. Although I still think it’s crap that people think you can’t do multiple genres of videos. Why not do Docs AND Dramas????

Urine smell -> Flower Smell! 😀 (True Stories!)

Mister is digging through my pockets and finding every candy possible. He’s a very snoopy dog. I have photos of a wallet he rifled through and the money he took from it, and also when he went through Deanna’s purse and took out her pouch of tobacco.
I have HOT WATER and Coffee Filters again! And heat, which I don’t need because it is summer. No more going to Mum’s to shower! Now I can actually stay clean! I’m one of those people who showers everyday. I’ve been doing every two days and it’s yucky. Sometimes 3 days! :O But no more! Now I am going to be clean and serene. You know what I mean.
YAY! I just had a nice hot shower in my own apartment. SHOWERS! And I’m supposed to get curtains this week. Hurrah for Curtains! Now I can masturbate in front of my computer! Really, it’s been ROUGH! Curtains are a necessity. Even for people like me who write tell all blogs for over a decade of their life!
Actually, I don’t tell all anymore. I tell some, and leave the rest to word of mouth gossip. I’m no slouch, there’s not much to do sometimes besides gossip about mutual aquaintances, sometimes it’s the best small talk.
I need some monsieur net. I used the last of the floor cleaner and there is no multipurpose cleaner on hand, just Vim with Bleach.
Later:
UGH! I just washed part of the kitchen floor with this “orange scented” generic cleaner and now it smells like burning rubber! Blech! Maybe if I smoke a cigarette the smell will go down! Oh no! I’m smoking! Shameful downward spiral!
Next thing you know I’ll be smoking crack! :O
Actually that is one thing I have never done, and will never do. I’ve watched too many crack addicts to want to be one. It’s sketchy. Especially when they are looking for a rock in the cracks of the sidewalk. DEPRESSING!!!
Funny the limits I put on my drug using behaviour. Like such and such is okay, but THIS is NOT! So sad.
That smell is going away. Phew! And maybe I will have some tea instead of this coke. But mostly I think I should finish washing the floors. Cleaning to raise my self esteem.
Floors are washed! It’s starting to look nice in here, ACTUALLY. Amazing.
Much Later:
Okay, well now the dishes are done and I took the garbage out and I cleaned up a Mister Mistake. I even washed under the dog dishes, which I always neglect. And I dyed my hair again, now it’s a deeper pink, not so orangey. I like it. I left roots in. I don’t have enough for bleach.
While I have been doing all of this I have been thinking about many things. Mostly lottery dreams. Foolish things, but that faint hope is so appealing.
I bet if I made the perfect film, I could make a million dollars. I wonder.
I’ve also been thinking of video ideas, but my brainstorming would sometimes be interrupted by me trying to figure out what a dark organic blob was on this or that.
I saved my suitcase I had bought to go to Scotland! Mimi, my mom’s old grumpy vengeful cat pissed on it, but I got this stuff called Nature’s Miracle Urine Destroyer (for cats)! And now it just smells like flowers.
True story, that one.
And it’s really good because I don’t want to smell like cat piss in Berlin.
Angry cat piss.
I just found my electrical adaptor! With a usb port so I can charge my iPod anywhere! 😀 Into the clean suitcase it goes!
I haven’t gotten my results back on my big grant still. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after, or while I’m gone! 🙁 Not much time left before I leave. I was hoping to hear something about it before I go so that I can plan my life accordingly.

The Bannock Girl has clean fingernails! 😀

I am waiting to hear about my Big Grant, but I did get a little grant to travel to Berlin, which has made me pretty happy. I am looking forward to going, I haven’t traveled overseas since I went to Scotland. And for a Queer festival! Yay! I can only imagine what kind of trouble I could get up to.
I’m feeling pretty positive about finally implementing these BIG changes to my life, like quitting pot and smokes and cleaning up around here more often and walking the dog on a regular basis and remembering to groom myself properly. I don’t want to just stick a hat on anymore.
It’s such a terrible thing to one day fall into the stereotype of the mentally ill, talking to myself with greasy dirty hair and a sink full of dishes. I just need a bathrobe and I will be all set, maybe some slippers if I am really living the high life.
Today I volunteered by giving out bannock for almost two hours. Well, it was probably just one heavy duty bannock duty hour. People are very funny about their bannock. Some don’t care for it, which surprised me. Some white people don’t call it bannock, they call it bread. Whatever. It’s greasy and good!
I even cut my nails so no one would look at me and go “Ew! The bannock girl has dirty nails!”
The bannock girl needs to bleach her hair and put in more Manic Panic.
I was surrounded by the police at Aboriginal Day, they were all doing their good deeds for the community, and there was the treaty day mountie shaking hands and taking endless pictures with Indians. I only got 5 bucks this year! :'( My cousin Steven got 85 bucks! That’s a lot of accumulated treaty days! He could buy 85 jars of baby food! Or a few days worth of groceries!
One treaty day I accumulated enough to get a swim suit.
I didn’t see them giving out bullets though, I don’t think they do that anymore.
If you give someone bullets and money for gas, you can get a dead deer. Sometimes they will butcher it for you too! It sounds so black market and badass, putting a hit out on a deer.
Venison is my favorite wild meat.
30 people became millionaires during the last Lotto Max draw. 30 people!!!!! And this next time there are 55 draws of 1 million each. I’ve got to get a ticket again~! This 50 million dollar jackpot is tantalising me! It seems so much easier to gamble for my riches than actually put real work into accumulating wealth.
Accumulating seems to be the dominant theme of this entry.
I have noticed I have more energy without pot in my life. And it makes it easier to do things like clean and tidy and groom and create.
I am reading all this new information now about how the psych medication I am on make me at a higher risk for heart attacks and strokes, and metabolic syndrome. And that it basically adds up to a premature death. Sucks to be me. I mean, HOPEFULLY some newer better meds will be unrolled in the next few years. They’ve learned a few more things about how bipolar works and are working on treatments specific to those mechanisms. Soooo, I dunno. But I really have to use my time wisely. No more dicking around smoking weed and giggling about something that happened to me in high school. What if I die when I’m 60? That’s only 28 years from now. Already more than half of my life is over if that’s my timeline.
Which means I have to put more time and energy into my practice. A lot of my practice is me sitting around and thinking. It’s not very interesting to watch. When I write I go out for a lot of walks alone. I really need a kitchen table because that’s where I do my longhand and my sketches. And then there’s driving around shooting things and setting up lights and convincing friends they can act for 30 seconds or whatever. But so much is sitting around being a bum, so it seems.
Oh yeah, and all that internet surfing, doing research into things like the geology of Mars, or reading books and watching movies on certain subjects or in certain genres.
I like my life. I just want to live it past 60.

Memories of Birthdays long past!

My Birthday is coming up, as I have been telling everyone on Facebook. Really! I will be 32 years old next Monday the 26th. For someone who didn’t think they would live to be 30, that is a long time! And now that I am beyond 30, I am viewing life in a much different way. For one thing I have to get together a strategy for sustaining my life, instead of just burning out.

I’ve quit smoking cigarettes. It has been since Wednesday at 2pm that I have had a smoke. But to be honest I had three cigarettes on Friday night. BUT none since. And I didn’t ask for the first one of three, I thought it was drugs and I was drunk. But none since, no bad cravings. I was popping lozenges on top of patches A LOT the first day, and then less and less in the days since. Today I’ve only had about three of them, on top of the patch. I can smell things now, like the fresh air. Which I SWEAR to GOD smells like a Bounty dryer sheet to the newly ex-smoker’s nose. AND I have maintained not smoking pot everyday. I had some at a party on Friday night, but that’s it, just weekly tokes. I still want to get down to NO toking. I think it’s a worthy goal for myself. I don’t even really care about the feeling it gives me anymore, the being high feeling. It’s suddenly so unimportant.
UNFORTUNATELY I seem to be getting DRUNK with more intensity than before. Like REALLY drunk. I have to back off from that a bit. I really don’t want to replace getting high with being drunk, because both states are incredibly annoying to others. I’m not a mean drunk, but I can be a stupid drunk. And I don’t like being stupid.

Every time I get around to my birthday, I always re-evaluate my life, my morals and beliefs and ethics. I try to grow as a person. Some birthdays I am better at this than others. And this birthday I am torn between going out and getting FUCKED UP like is normal for one of my adult birthdays, or doing something entirely wholesome like have a picnic. I suppose there is room for both. I just want to have some fun, do something profoundly interesting with some people.

My friend Louis Cruz from back in my second home of Vancouver sent me some photos tonight of us getting drunk during my 27th birthday back in 2005. We were so cute! And it looked like it was so fun, just me and my friends hitting the pub and then going to the gay bar, me in Louis’ sailor shirt and my sailor hat. I often wonder whatever happened to my sailor hat. It was low key yet ridiculously fun. I want to have another birthday like that, a dress up get drunk and dance birthday. I should really organize something. I also wanted to have a hot tub party at my Mom’s, if she was out of town. But I don’t know yet if she is going to be out of town for sure.

YIPPEE! She says I can have a hot tub party at her house on Saturday night! Except we can’t stay too late.

Unpaid Blogging Work Ethic: And how to send weird messages that wig people out

I am always hearing this stuff about how people make themselves so famous because of blogging. And end up making all this money off their blogs.
I never made ANY money off my blogs! Sometimes I PAID money to have blogs. And mostly that is self-esteem based, I feel like I am not writing enough to be worthy of being a famously wealthy/enterprising blogger. I did once have this idea about making some Genderfuck t-shirts with my sketchy ink drawings of differently gendered silhouettes. Which would bring in some revenue. I guess. But then, life catches up with me and I go through different phases of my life of being able to write something everyday to not writing much, ever. And it’s not always because I don’t care, it’s often because I am too busy or sometimes too depressed. Uh, unfortunately when I am Manic I write ALL THE FREAKING TIME! About weird shit. Everywhere! Literally, I will be walking down the street while manic letting little weird pieces of paper with strange stories fall out of my pockets. It’s a really bad idea sometimes, to write! You can write yourself into all kinds of terrible situations! I had a burning once, of the Writings. I had access to the internet for such a short time, and then got into trouble and went home and wrote all kinds of little books full of all these thoughts I had. And then I burned them four years later. And then fuck, I went crazy a couple months after doing that and wrote all kinds of NEW things everywhere, and had access to the internet!
The Dube Centre has internet access for patients now.
I’m worried, I have never had internet access from a ward before, I might write all kinds of funny things. I am not in a ward now! I am actually at home. But my cousin was in the ward recently and I saw their new computer. I started remembering all the strange emails I wrote that wigged people out! I know all the things I would write from a ward in the future would be wigging people out, just by virtue of me being able to write from a locked ward.
Some people don’t realize this, but there is also a phone anyone can use during specific hours on most wards. It’s just been the internet that has been slow to be introduced to psych wards.
It sucks not having access to email, or your voice messages, or any other place to contact people besides through other patients answering the phone and finding you, and if not finding you then being sane enough to take a message.
AN update on my cousin: My cousin Luke is now at North Battleford in the big hospital doing some extended programming and stuff for a year or so. It’s this really old timey hospital from the 40’s that had a morgue and has some graveyard on the property and it’s pretty institutional, but he is safe and hopefully will grow into a more stable being. His life’s been pretty up and down, mostly down, so I hope this stay helps him out. Poor guy, it must be so boring. They make psych wards as boring as possible so as not to disturb people, but it gets pretty tedious. Even with the occasional person acting out, there’s not a whole lot to do besides smoke cigarettes. And even that is getting phased out. Except at the place Luke is at, he can go outside and smoke cigarettes. But not at the Dube Centre because you can’t smoke anywhere on Health Region property. Even when I was at Hantleman we had to walk all the way to the river to smoke. No smoking in the parkinglot. You have to stand just OUTSIDE of the parking lot.
And now Hantleman is an office building. Or will be.
But with care I will not have to spend time at the Dube centre using the computer and sending weird messages to the world. I have to be more mindful of taking my medications.
Little Mister wants to go to bed. I think it’s time. Little Mister! Don’t sleep on the floor!

Happiness is a warm Nun

Today mom blackmailed me into cleaning by saying she was going to take pictures of my apartment and post them on facebook!!! OMG! I was so shocked! I have been cleaning on and off ever since, it’s actually coming along really well. I even did most of the dishes.
I’m pretty happy these days, I guess the meds are working. I’ve had a couple rough days after I forgot to take my meds, but now I’m back on them and doing well. My cousin Jenny is sleeping over on the couch. We were goofing around in my apartment all night, she played this word game with me that was really racy because we are pervs. She’s looked in every book of mine that has pictures, mostly comics but also some naughtiness! :O
I need new naughtiness.
I’m glad I’m not one of those anti-porn feminists, because boy oh boy has porn been nice to me! I was in some directed by the lovely Dayna McLeod in Montreal. We were all horny in a women’s studies class. When I think about it my feminist art class at ECIAD (*now ECUAD) had some hot girls in it. My Mommy’s best friend taught it though and I couldn’t step out of line or she would say something about my dykeling years to embarrass me.
When I came out she gave me a dozen red roses to celebrate my being a lesbian. My mom’s friends were so cool with it! They just accepted me and that was that It was such a non-issue in my family. I was told the worst thing I could ever do was become a Catholic.
Well, I guess I may as well talk about a serious issue for a moment.
My mom is a sessional at FNUC’s Saskatoon Campus. She’s been working there ever since I was a little kid, it was called SIFC for a while. She’s been there well over 25 years. And right now, FNUC is FUCKED!!! They had their provincial funding pulled because of all kinds of mismanagement, and then the federal funding was pulled. A LOT of shit was shaken up and Guy Lonechild of FSIN did a LOT of things that were needed to fix it up. BUT even after provincial funding was reinstated, the federal funding was still not in place. Chuck Strahl refused to give it back. Even though the board got depoliticized and some people lost their jobs and all kinds of things happened that they wanted. I mean, my god, now U of R is handling the money even. But it might be that the school will still go under. And so this is what my mother is living with, and going to work is getting demoralizing because no one knows what’s happening next. People are packing their offices just in case the doors are locked on April 1st, which is when the federal money runs out. They said they would support the university until the end of the semester, but the semester doesn’t end until April 20-something!!
So we’re all waiting, feeling the angst ramping up and wondering what will happen. And Mom has already been looking for other work. I feel so bad that she put almost her entire working life into an institution and now she might have to find a completely new career!!! It could mean she would have to sell her house. It could mean she has to go back to school. It could mean all kinds of things. I just want to see my mum doing what she loves until she retires with a nice pension. What sucks is her old job never even paid into a pension plan, just the regular CPP.
Most of my family has worked at FNUC, it’s a family institution. My Uncle John teaches there sometimes, Auntie Beth taught english and creative writing there, Grandpa taught Cree there, and my Uncle Doug would go in to work with the students in the journalism courses. And Mum’s been there for SO long! It seems sad to see that place go down. And I remember when it started going down too, five years ago when Morley Watson started all kinds of shit. People were being fired willy nilly. People were LEAVING because they didn’t want to be fired for stepping out of line. My mom got more and more depressed about it.
And now she’s really stressed out but is keeping her composure. I think she is anticipating the worst. 400 people will lose their jobs if FNUC closes it’s doors. It’s grim.
I’ve been having a lot of feelings about being Native these days. Just feelings of frustration at the level of RACISM within Canada, in particular towards Native people. I just think that’s so rude, to steal someone’s land and dehumanize them and then bitch about some treaties that people IGNORE ANYWAY!!!! I recently found out Indian Affairs won’t cover Seroquel anymore. In fact, they won’t cover anything that isn’t generic. Our treaty rights cover prescription drugs, but they keep chipping them back further and further. If they didn’t pay for my medications I would be spending about 300 bucks a month just on my looney-tune meds. I’m really scared of having to pay for them, that is a lot of cash and I can’t afford it, and I NEED them! I know what I’m like without me looney tune meds. LOONEY! ANd TUNEY! Go look in spring 2007 entries if you don’t know how looney and tuney I can get!!!