A blog as Suggested by Friends

I asked folks on facebook for some topics to write about. And this is kind of what came out of it.

The Engineering students at the U of S used to have this annual event where they would get a sex worker and have her ride a horse naked across campus, it was called the Godiva ride and it ended sometime in the late eighties. While I was looking this up I also found that other universities do or did the Godiva ride.

And I always wondered about the woman, like who was she, where did she come from, and what was her story, was she safe?

Next topic: DRUGS!!!

I don’t have much to say about drugs today. I am taking about four psych meds a day, in various pill formations. Along with iron and some other medication. I think I am happier now, which is good, and still stable. Having strange dreams though. I had a dream I attacked this guy who tagged me out during an army entrance lazer tag competition. I threw him to the ground and then bashed his head into the ground twice and then was shocked I did such a thing and feeling guilty and evil and yucky for the rest of the dream. And everyone in my dream told me it was a bad thing. And then I somehow stumbled into the bedroom of my sleeping ex girlfriend and freaked her out and there was a party going on in her living room for her birthday. BUT her heels were too high. It was a STRANGE dream, and even she told me I was evil, not only for smashing this guy’s face, but also for coming into her bedroom when she doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I’m glad it was all a dream.

If you want to help change the world sign up for the AIDS walk here in Saskatoon on the 20th of September and the link is HERE. Proceeds go to AIDS Saskatoon and The Avenue Community Centre for Sexual and Gender Diversity.

Hide Under the Awkward Stairs

It is my night off, having worked from 7 am to 2:30 pm. I almost saw a movie, but didn’t. I went to the fireworks show at the riverbank and was impressed. I also went to the local gay bar, Divas, where I danced a bit and mostly sat in the corner drinking various alcoholic drinks and thinking what it would take to bust up the cute lesbian couple grinding in the corner. Or to join in. Such are the dirty thoughts going through my mind.

I do have some kind of novelty going on with myself, what with being into some pretty hardcore sadomasochistic practices like bloodplay and electroplay. I don’t know if I could do bondage though. I’d have to really trust the person. And PLUS the sparkly hood piercing I have in. That has to win me some glamour points on the sexual scale of awesomeness.

It glints and glimmers in the light. It’s truly a work of art. And my sex drive HAS gone up, so I think it might be working. AND my Wellbutrin is supposed to pick me up too.

Anyway, these two laydeez were so hot, I would have gone home with both of them, but they looked like they were deflecting other’s sexual energy all night. Sometimes when they danced these boys would come and try to dance with them, and then they would lean over and say something in the guys ear and he would dance away looking semi dejected. But if a woman had danced up to them, would something different have happened? Maybe not, but it was enough to keep me curious.

There was ANOTHER cute girl at the bar too, and then ANOTHER after that, so I am feeling a bit better about the prospects in Saskatoon.

I still miss my one BIG love, but it’s over and no matter how much I try to fan the ashes, it cannot be revived. I BROKE it!! And it wasn’t even that committed in the first place, she was living with her boyfriend after all! I mean, breaking that kind of tenous forbidden bond doesn’t really take MUCH, and I broke it big time with all my fucking manic emails. Dammit dammit dammit!

If you could see me, I would also be stomping my foot about this point.

Like a little Rumplestiltzkin kicking my own way into hell.

Such is the drama of a butch with bipolar.

Look out! It’s bipolar butch! And she has been celibate TOO LONG!

But it was nice getting out and watching some women far younger than I bump and grind and generally put on a show while being totally into each other. But it did make me miss relationships. I’ve never had a girlfriend I could bump and grind with, they all had various issues attached to it. One didn’t like PDAs, one had a boyfriend and didn’t want to make him jealous, one wanted to keep her “options” open. It was all pretty miserable. I just wanted someone I could hump on the dance floor and not have to use a dental dam with. And not have to worry that my toothbrush at her house was being farmed out to other nocturnal visitors of dubious hepatitis status.

Posters of the Missing

My cat is still missing. It will be a week on Tuesday. I really miss him. I keep thinking about him and hoping he didn’t meet an ugly end at the hands of some cruel twisted individual(s).

There is entirely too much evil in the world. I was reading about the highway of tears and how now they think they have a suspect in the murders, although so far they are only looking for one woman’s body, and that one woman is white. For those who don’t know what the highway of tears is, it’s a stretch of highway running from Prince George to Prince Rupert where for the last 40 years primarily aboriginal women have been going missing while hitchhiking.

The suspect is in prison for murdering his brother. The police are digging up the property and looking in a well that smells like diesel and might have been used to burn something. They even have special dogs that can locate remains, and a ground penetrating radar device.

I could never work in forensics or criminology. I think it would be a very bleak feeling dealing with that kind of evil day in and day out. Bleakness is a terrible feeling. That kind of loss of belief in human goodness.

There ARE good people in the world still. I know this. My cat could have adopted himself into another family of nice people. But I still think he would come home because they wouldn’t know him well enough to know he likes Friskies.

A missing cat and a missing woman are not the same things. I know this. There won’t be an investigation into where my cat went, and if someone did do something to him, he or she (but probably he) will most likely get away with it. But then it makes me think about all the unsolved cases of missing and murdered Aboriginal women and how sometimes it seems as if our lives are equal to those of cats. Just more faces peering out of faded posters, dotting the landscape, reminding us that we are not safe or protected.

I wish my cat had been an indoors cat. I feel guilty for letting him go outside this summer at mum’s. And now I’m in limbo, wondering if I will ever see his sweet face again.

Schrodinger!!! 🙁

My beautiful Schrodinger cat is missing!! He could be alive or dead, we really don’t know. In the meantime we are keeping check of the cats at the SPCA and handing out flyers and putting up posters and going up and down alleys calling his name.

I know I always talk about my dog Mister here, but Schrodinger is like the salt to Mr’s pepper. He was a best friend of mini dachshunds and played so well with them. He would wrestle and kick and grab them by the head and he could be sweet too, bathing them or just snuggling with them. And he was very intuitive about illnesses, one time I was sick for a week and he stayed right next to me nearly the whole time.

I’m really sad about my missing kitty. He was my first pet when I moved from Vancouver, I got him as a little kitten when he would try to kill me all the time. I just about strangled him! And then he got snugglier over the past couple years and now he is missing!

I feel like a bad mom for letting him go outside at my mum’s for the summer. But he really did like the outdoors life. I hope to god he is on an adventure and will come home soon.

Internetted and Recovering

I finally have the internet again. And I am also recovering from one of the worst colds I have had in a while. I was a ball of snot, coughing and coughing and just drenched in mucus and sweat. It was godawful!

I also recently got pierced, again, the same piercing I had when I was nineteen, a hood. I haven’t been able to do anything with it besides clean it and wince when I bump it wiping my bum. So I can’t really report if it is improving my sex life yet. But it did the last time I had this piercing, so I’m pretty excited. The procedure of getting pierced itself was obviously very painful. Having a large needle and then some jewelery shoved through your privates is never very fun, unless you like that sort of thing. I don’t so much but I do like the results.

Some things have changed. I’ve started taking Wellbutrin in addition to my Celexa, and it seems to be cheering me up at any rate. It’s supposed to bring back my sex drive, so far the jury is still out on that, especially since I can’t do much with a healing hood piercing. I’ve also been seeing a counselor for the past few weeks, and that’s been helping a bit with some issues I’ve talked about here.

I shot some more footage for my video and now need to finish writing the narration and record it, and then finish editing, and then write my final report, and I’m DONE! My first half hour video. I must say I am nervous about keeping attention for half an hour. It seems like an unruly time period for a short video artist. Rather, a video artist that makes shorts. Although I’m not super tall either. I really want this done soon because I would like to get my next grant. I’m working hard on it!

Oh man, at least I am finally feeling better. My nose isn’t running so much anymore either, which is a relief. I was getting tired of snuffling and blowing it all the time. Thank god for kleenex with lotion!

Either way, I have to go to work today, so I should probably go meet my mom and do some stuff and get to work. I will write more when I have some time.

Praise for the Chubby Girls~!

A close friend whose body image has changed since gaining weight feels bereft of possible companions. I have been trying to explain that sexuality and sexiness is not tied in with weight as much as this friend thinks.
Fat girls are yummy and delicious and I am saddened when I hear big girls feel like they won’t be able to have a sex life until they are 20 pounds lighter. Sex can happen at any size!
I am a fat girl. I got teased by my family when it started, because of the meds I have to take. But I grew to love my body, and see it as a beautiful thing. And the great thing is I gained a cup size!
Seriously though, sex is not exclusively the domain of the young and thin. Great sex can happen to anyone!

I just wish it was me having sex. I have been celibate for half a decade, to be completely honest, and it makes me feel inadequate. And not having as much experience makes me feel embarrassed, at this advanced age. I’ve had a number of partners, but not much experience in long term relationships.

I like big butts and I cannot lie!

Been a long time since I got flogged too, I really should do something about this stalemate.

Before the Sun runs away again

I have a good feeling about the lottery numbers I picked. I think I will win something with them eventually.

I am currently looking after my mothers house and all it’s many occupants. I just had to feed them.

I’d like to be a little less stupid sometimes. I feel like I keep making mistakes with my life. All kinds of mistakes. I guess that is what it means to be human.

Ew, there is dog slime all over this table from Arthur!!

I want to get married dammit, and I think I want kids. I have been hemming and hawing about it for years, always kinda like Mmmmmnnnnno. No. But then the last year its been a maybe. And I think I am getting close to the day I can say Yes.

As to how I will end up with kids, well, it is a little more complicated because I am a lesbian, and don’t have a nearby supply of semen like a boyfriend or husband, just the sperm bank and possible donors I know. And then I have bipolar, which makes it even more complicated. I would have to get off my meds to have a baby, and boy oh boy was that bad the last time I went off them. And I’d rather not be recovering from a manic episode AND look after a newborn, just because I would be so tired!

So the next option would be for my partner to have a kid. The trouble is I DON’T have a partner. I’d rather raise children with a partner, even though I was raised by a single parent and know it can be done. I just don’t want to be like Angelina Jolie and have a bazillion children! I think two would be the max I could do.

I think it would be about five years from now, when I’m a bit more ready. A kid! OMG! I am seeing all these little babies sprout up from my friends loins and it’s a bit intense! Everytime I turn around it seems like someone else I know is pregnant.

The weather is really nice these days, we had some rain earlier today, but the sky is clearing up.

Well, I was going to write more, but I got distracted by things, and now I have to go out into the wild city to forage for some grub!

My grandparents used to have a grub box. I thought it had something to do with grubs, ew!

Beautiful Mess

There are things I need to change in my life in order to move on and become a better person. I’ve let things bother me to the point of wanting to die just to avoid my circumstances, and that’s never good. I need some help, it’s rough.

I think dying just to get out of this rut is a dumb idea, just for the record. I know it’s dumb but in the past whenever major problems loomed, suicidal thinking was always there to entice me in it’s cruel grip.

But it’s a cruel thing to do to myself, and especially to the people around me.

I’m tired of being so depressed. And I’m tired of being down on myself. I really have to just get off my ass and start becoming the person I want to be. It’s hard to do that! Why is change so hard? I would like this to be instant, but I know it’s not to be yet.

The hardest part about having these addictions, pot and tobacco, is that it’s everywhere and so easy to get and I am ambivalent about quitting altogether. I’m not so ambivalent about tobacco, I know I need to quit that, but the pot, just the idea of saying No More is so scary! I’ve come to depend on it to relax, and I need better coping skills for life.

I am a mess, it is true, but I am a beautiful mess.

Heart Aches

Having a mood disorder makes me doubt my perceptions at times. Especially if I am in a mania. Those are no fun. Actually they are fun, but the ramifications of that much fun is quite staggering.
I knew one woman who tried to buy ten cars while she was manic because she thought she had an intense amount of money from the mania money fairies.
And that’s the thing about mania, is that there’s all the witnesses and evidence afterwards! And losing important friendships, and self respect, that’s always hard. I hate losing control and writing whatever is coming out of my deep dark subconscious. Linking up all kinds of things in new ways that don’t really make sense. Coming to conclusions that are totally wrong. Inventing stories to try and find out why things are happening and getting lost in them.
My guilt over my actions during mania has kept me in a mini self destructive loop, and the most upsetting thing is knowing I can’t make things right, at least not between myself and the person I hurt. I feel badly about this, like she’s a casualty of my insanity. Not like I was sitting next to her on a bus and stabbed and ate her. But still, bad. Just bad.
Shitastic!
I shouldn’t be beating myself up as much as I have been though. I am going to try and move beyond it!
On a totally different note, I’ve been reading all this Gossip that Michael Jackson had boyfriends. I feel badly that he felt he had to stay in the closet his entire life, not able to share who he loved. That is a sad way to live your life!

Detoxing from marijuana

I’m currently housesitting with my mother’s menagerie and mine. There are three dogs in the house right now and two cats milling about. It’s pretty crazy here yo.
I don’t know if you have noticed, but I have merged posts from Bipolar and Disorderly into Fit of Pique. It now looks a bit more sensible, with the old posts from when I was crazy nicely merged with my recovery posts.
I miss my mom already! She’s left me to go up north and fish, I wish I could fish! I like fishing. Fishing makes for entertainment and good dinners sometimes. We used to catch SO many fish! Mostly Pike. And the occasional pickerel.
Until the go barbless campaign came along. We debarbed all our tackle and from then on barely caught any fish. Pretty sad.
I’m in the process of change this year more than any other year, and it’s been really HARD on me! Personal change is so difficult to achieve. I know I will grow more if I abandon the ways of doing things that have hindered me. But it’s so scary to leave behind my crutches. I realize I have become dependent on certain things and that makes me upset. I never wanted to be dependent on anything. And it’s not good for my health.
I am especially realizing that I need to be better to myself to deal with my bipolar disorder. I am better about getting the right amount of sleep, I go to bed earlier and I don’t miss medication often. But there are other things I should be doing, like not drinking because it makes me depressed, and quitting the marijuana for a while, for long enough to see what difference it makes anyway. I really have questions about my potential without it, and I think those questions need to be answered.
And smoking, I really need to quit it. I started up AGAIN! Fucking hell, but then I am depressed and it is hard to quit while one is depressed. I hate depression.
I have an appointment to see my old counsellor next week, right now my psych nurse is checking in every week except she’s on holidays, so it’s back to the old counsellor.
I liked the old counsellor.
I’m worried I would make a bad girlfriend for someone at the moment just because I do need to learn how to live my life differently than I’ve been doing it. I have to admit some suicidal feelings were around a couple weeks ago, but I think the idea of living life DIFFERENTLY is preferable instead of crumpling it up like a scrap of paper and throwing it in the garbage. I can change, somehow. Starting with today. I can get to work and figure out why I’ve been allowing myself to fall so far short of my own expectations.
Anyway, I’m off to read some motivational online literature. I am thinking of going to an NA meeting this weekend. I might really need it. I smoked my last bit of pot and am going to detox and try life without it starting with one sober week.