I’ve never been big into video games. I remember the first ones, that were just blocks of colour moving around like Atari’s ET, which was the worst video game ever. All that would happen is he’d fall into a pit and you couldn’t get out. His neck would move up and down and he’d walk back and forth, but that’s all it was. ET falling into a pit.

And then there was Pacman, and I even convinced my mum to buy Pacman cereal. And then of course that notorious feminist Ms. Pacman.

Gauntlet was great fun, my cousin Luke and I used to go to the arcade on Broadway with some quarters and play for as long as we could. But because it was in an arcade, we didn’t play ALL DAY! We could have though, it was fun.

Then there was Nintendo, with such favorites as Caveman Games, where the object was to do caveman things like start a fire with two sticks and swing a woman around by the hair and throw her. Yeah, I was a kid but even then I thought that was a bit much.

But Mario Brothers sucked up most of my time. Super Mario Brothers, all the way to Super Mario 4.

As an adult I’ve seen my best friend have a serious addiction to Katamari Damacy, and I loved that game too, enough to buy the PSP 2 console just to play it. But since Mario Brothers I’ve never had an addiction on a game. My Mum was addicted to Dr. Mario once, and another friend’s mom was addicted to Legend of Zelda.

But today I came SO CLOSE to signing up for World Of Warcraft, thinking I should give it a chance. And then I thought, No. Too many people get addicted to that crazy game and let it suck away their lives.

I’m not big into video games anymore, but I sure do love facebook.

Here is someone more successful at ET than me.

The first time I went crazy I ripped all the curtains off the windows. And the weird thing is I remember how much work went into those cheap little curtains. A friend remarked how he had never gone into a house without curtains before.

I don’t have curtains again, but I didn’t rip them down in a fit of pique this time. They just never got put up. I was standing on my bed today and looking out the window and thinking to myself: If I ever want to convince someone cute to have sex in this room, I ought to have some curtains. After all, one never knows when something particularly acrobatic could occur.

Don’t ask why I was standing on the bed.

Since lighting this love candle I’ve felt small changes in my life. My libido’s going back to normal instead of non-existent, and I’m noticing cute women, and I’m actually curious about who I’m going to meet. Instead of just feeling sad about my last affair.

I mean look, I must be nesting if I am thinking about curtains. It’s the practical things.

And I admit I have had some smokes. But I really am quitting this time. I keep putting my patch on and go for several hours before smoking. But even that has to stop, and it will.

I think I have an addictive personality. I like things that can fit in my routine and make me feel better. Like writing, or coffee, or cigarettes or any of my other vices. Well, writing’s not a vice, except when you’re suffering extreme hypergraphia and have manic energy and a world wide platform like the internet.

I’ve definitely had an interesting life so far. And I’m 31 years old now! I’m getting old. I still don’t have many white hairs, but they are there. Actually I’ve found white hairs starting when I was nineteen. But there weren’t many, ever, even now. My Grandpa’s 90 and some of his hair is still dark, he doesn’t have much dark hairs left, but still, at 90!

I had my bipolar duty to go get blood levels checked since they hadn’t been checked since October! Anyway, I had thought it would be a smooth operation (I don’t know why, my veins are little titchy goobs that no one can find!) so I was watching her put the needle in and then she couldn’t get anything out of me but one feeble spurt. So she got another nurse (or technician or whatever they are) to do it and she got it really fast and it didn’t involve all that poking around the last one did. OH MAN! I thought I was tough but I got a total queasy tummy looking at all that and all that pain and I was worried I was gonna throw up. And still I had to get a prescription and an appointment with the nurse, all while just wanting to go pop some gravol.

By the way, ginger gravol really works!

It’s high time I had a shower. Since lighting my love candle I have noticed myself taking care of myself better in the hopes it will attract someone more than grubby careless me. But my hot water is off because I couldn’t pay the bill. So I am unable to shower unless I go to Mum’s. And I haven’t been to Mum’s in a couple days.

Grubby me all over again!

When I got out of the hospital the first time I didn’t shower as frequently as I should have. I was so depressed I didn’t have the energy to shower, nor did I see the point.

The other day if you were around my house in the morning you might have seen a chubby half naked lesbian chasing a little orange pussy, and that would have been me. That bad Schrodinger got out and was making a daring escape for it while I was checking the mailbox. He’s done this to me before, which makes me think I should change the way I check my mail. Wearing clothes while doing it would be a good start.

In truth I should get a bathrobe. I used to have one, but it got burnt because it was the bathrobe I wore for 6 weeks straight in the hospital. And it was covered with tobacco stains besides. Pretty gross!

I’m hungry. I’m waiting for my mommy to pick me up so I can have a shower and eat. I slept some this afternoon. Tomorrow I’m working two short shifts, with a doctor’s appointment in the middle.

Maybe I should get some pepto bismol. I am home sick from work, I went and everything but as I was sitting there doing my job I started feeling REALLY sick, like seconds away from vomiting. So I had to go tell the in charge and go home and I feel bad about it. It seems to be passing, but then it will come back in like waves. Waves of nausea. GRODY!

So I’m home again. Wondering what to do. I have been wearing the patch for about three hours now and no smokes, but I might have ONE last one. I am wondering if I am getting nausea from the patch? I really shouldn’t have one. Dammit!
See, this is what happens when you blog from freely flowing thought, you argue with yourself on live internet.

Okay, I’m having one but I put the rest of the pack in the freezer so I can’t see it on the desk and automatically reach for one. I am smoking it now. I like not smoking, but there’s always this idea that I can have the ideal last cigarette. Whatever that is.

And hopefully I don’t drop dead after my last cigarette. But anyway, here goes.

So far it is like any cigarette I have ever smoked. It is merely average. It is a DuMaurier Distinct King Size. I’ve smoked a lot of different kinds of cigarettes, but this is the brand I smoked primarily, even though it was more expensive and I lived in Vancouver half of my smoking life with no treaty discount. All those taxes. This brand used to be known as DuMaurier Light King Size. They were legally required to change the name because it was alleged that people smoked lights more often because it sounded healthier, when they are all the same in regards to what they do to your body.

I used to really like smoking when I wrote.

One of the problems with my smoking is the ashtray. It often smolders and could possibly start a fire.

It never has, but one of my close friends started a fire with her cigarette. And all the spontaneous combustion cases I have heard of involved a smoker. Like poor Mary Reeser.

My smoke is over, and so is my smoking life. Actually it turned out to be a very nice smoke, because I thought so much about it and wrote this.

I’m looking forward to being a non-smoker. No more gross mouth, no more ashtray. No more smelliness. I never have a girlfriend when I am a smoker. And I’ve smoked on and off for eight years. My last dates were while I wasn’t smoking. There is just something about it, I’m almost certain my pitiful love life has to do with my smoking. And probably the four combined years of recovering from episodes. All in all I’ve been always moving around or not able to be involved for whatever reason. It’s been strange. But I’m still hoping that just by quitting smoking again, I will magically attract non smoking girls.

Right now my stomach feels fine. What if it’s morning sickness?

An interesting fact: Parthenogenesis can happen to a woman all by herself, one egg will somehow (I forget how they explain this works) fertilize another egg from the same woman.

This makes me worry I am knocked up by some fluke egg collision.

Which is hilarious.

Another interesting fact: Since there are only X chromosomes in eggs, the resulting baby would be a girl.

It’s also called Virgin Birth, as I mentioned in the last post, which makes me wonder . . .

If this is what happened to Mary, Jesus must have been a woman.

I don’t know anything about intersexed people and parthenogenesis. So I’m not sure if Jesus could have been intersexed. But that’s possible too I imagine.

So there you go, a female or intersexed Jesus. It boggles the mind. Well, not really.

It’s a monday morning, I have to go to work soon but I thought I would write a small blog first.

I am quitting smoking today! Yes! I have the patch on, smoked my last three cigarettes, and am just going to quit like that.

My little kids are fine. I call them my kids but they are the dog and cat. They’ve grown up with each other and are best friends, it’s very cute. When I first got the dog, the cat would attack him, and he was just a tiny bad kitten then. The dog was a year old already and would give me this look as the kitten was wailing on him and I would try to seperate them but the cat freaked out everytime I put him in another room or his crate just to give the dog some peace and quiet. Poor Mister.

In other news, I still seem to be hung up on my last, for lack of a better word, girlfriend. I miss her terribly and wish I could go for coffee again with her, because she was like my best friend while we were together and it was always fun, until I went crazy. She says she’s forgiven me for all the crazy emails I sent her, but she doesn’t want to see me again until I can be open with my friends about wanting to see her. I am open with my friends about wanting to see her again and they all just say that I should be over it already.

But I lost my virginity to her, which already makes her special, and then I fell in love with her twice, once when I was a teen and once when I was an adult, and it’s hard to shake that. I really did want to just marry her and even have babies with her, though I don’t know where we would get the sperm. When I was crazy I thought we could get a baby through parthanogenesis, and then it would be a virgin birth! And then we would raise some lesbian saviour or something. It was all very convoluted, and probably one of the reasons she doesn’t want to see me again. Pushing my bipolar eggs on her.

I’ve been stable for a long time now and it makes me feel like I could do a relationship again, no major issues and all that. But I feel bad for my next girlfriend because I am still hung up on my last one. I know that’s mostly because I haven’t MET my next girlfriend yet and don’t know all the delicious surprises in store, but I still feel like I’m cheating her out of having someone whose heart is fully open to someone new. Someone told me I should go for different types, but when I think of all my past lovers and people I’ve necked with, I’ve never had one distinct type or anything. I’ve had butch and femme lovers. And I fell in love with a butch once, really hard! I dunno.

Spring is bringing my sex drive back, but I am still seeing my psychiatrist this week to get a reduced antidepressant dose to try and bring me back to where I was, all wet and wild and happy.

I worked my first midnight to seven shift last night and am still decompressing. I know I need sleep because at 10:30 i’ll have been awake for twenty four hours, which can’t possibly be good. Oh man! Oh yay, I am yawning! Well, what’s new? I am doing relatively well, except for some financial issues which have impacted my life, but that happens all the time. Stupid bills.
I still have not had my major breakthrough with my video. I don’t know why. I need to reinspire myself I think.
I started a love spell! It’s not on a specific person, it’s more a bring someone into my life kinda spell. Unfortunately I did not have the inside scoop on the best place to buy witchy candles, and I needed a pink one, and all I could find was a huge pink candle, which has been burned at regular intervals over the course of two weeks and is still only halfway down. I feel like it should have been a smaller candle. But who knows, maybe I will get bigger love!
I personally like big girls. I’ve dated all sizes of girls, but the bigger ones are just a little more sexy for some reason. I think because when I’m with a big girl I’m seeing a type of sexy naked body that isn’t reflected in the media. So the rarity of it makes it more delicious. I’ve seen skinny naked girls everywhere, but chubby naked girls? Not since the pick a fold and fuck it ladies in the back of dirty mags. And you don’t see the average chubby naked lady represented, it seems to be either skinny or hugely overweight, not those middle grounders.

Plus, I must say, big girls generally have big breasts. I do! And I like ample breasts.
Well, soon I am going over to mum’s where there is no computer! Which means no internet. I have a fun fun day planned of sleeping and eating and waiting for the cuz to call and for us to go for some beers. It IS the weekend after all.

I haven’t been writing much lately, mostly because I am working so much right now. I haven’t been working on my video either, like I said I would. I’ve been bad creatively altogether.
But my trusted psych nurse, who I see mostly because she gives me insight to things I otherwise wouldn’t have, thinks I am in remission. I certainly hope so. It’s been well over a year since I was depressed. And two years since I was manic. And I got to go off one drug altogether. I am doing well, to sum up. And no thoughts of conquering the world. It’s been really nice.
I am up past my bedtime. I should get to bed soon. I just came from a lovely dinner party. I haven’t been to one in ages, besides the ones my mom has. My mommy.

My Mum and I have been getting along a lot better since I moved out of her house. Unfortunately I owe her money. And it’s about the same amount I owe to Student Loans.

It’s not as bad as you think, I’m treaty, the vast majority of my education was paid for except for the tiniest fraction, which I got a student loan for. And some of it was already forgiven, and it was a summer session anyway. Still, I know just on principle I will pay my mum back before I pay my stupid tiny student loan.

Being in remission again makes me want to get a girlfriend. But where? So far two people on facebook have mentioned Toronto, but I don’t particularly want to live in Toronto. And I had a girlfriend who lived in Toronto, and she wasn’t interested in living in Vancouver until I moved away from it. And by then we were long since broken up because she said there was no way we could be together because of the distance. I remember I had a nightmare that she dumped me because of her phone bill, and that she would have kept going out with me if Sprint had done it’s cheap long distance plan while we were still going out. Who knows.
I’m feeling optimistic about my future lately, not necessarily because of the job, maybe mostly because it is spring and everything looks better in the spring.

Well, me again.

I’m starting to feel more grown up and recovered than before doing all this work. It’s given me some kind of structure and purpose, more than the call centre job I must admit. Because the call centre was something I had done for so long.

But I do really want to be making art too. I really like that. I need to figure out a way to make it so someday. Just live from grant to grant with some award money and stuff thrown in. Or win 649.

I don’t get it. I think I blew my wad on Unusual Occurances Allowed Per Life like winning the lottery when Laurel and I saw those two UFO’s out by Cranberry Flats. It was such a weird situation, because they were out there for three hours and we saw them show up. In that strange way they did, like streams of light bouncing back and forth in the sky in a circle, and then widening to oval white lights, and then an hour later they were green balls that were shimmering and starting to jump around in the sky, and then they could turn into solid balls of light. And we still don’t know what they were, hence they were UFO’s. What the hell? What the fuck was that? SO WEIRD! I wrote about it on my old blog, Fit Of Pique.

So seeing UFO’s, AND winning the lottery? No way, I so don’t see it. But it’s nice to dream isn’t it?

Being single for so long, I am starting to worry about myself. I used to get so many crushes, and I haven’t had any for a long time. Not even an all consuming crush on a movie star. I’m not even aroused by Angelina Jolie anymore! Something is wrong. I am lowering my antidepressant soon in the hopes the problem will be alleviated. I feel chemically spayed. Blech.

I am saving up money for my next tattoo. I am getting cherry blossoms in an oval on my left forearm. I want them because I always used to get depressed in the winters in Vancouver and I would promise not to do anything until the spring, and by spring things looked way better.

I miss being in school, not enough to go back, but enough just to remember happy times when I was all hypomanic and editing all the time. I loved film school. I love film and video. I need to bring it into my life a bit more, it’s my passion but I feel like in the last two months I have made no progress on my big project. I feel like a stagnant video artist. Terrible! Well if this is the year of big changes, then I will vow to work on my art more. I need to do some new comics too.

Anyway, I gotta crash. Night night internet world.

It’s been a long time since I have written.

I have gotten a new job which has taken a lot of my time, not to mention my internet was down. DOWN! I hadn’t been able to pay my isp for a long time, and they cut me off until I could pay. Which I finally have, and so I am writing from home, most happily facebooking and all those other things I do online.

I have a smouldering ashtray in front of me. Fucking ashtray.

I come up as number two in google suggestions when you type in Thirza! I’m famous! And I have a weird name!

I like being me these days. Which is good. I’m doing pretty well, and I can get up early for work, which is also good.

I’ve been so bored without the internet and television! NO SIMPSONS! Oh lord, it was brutal!

My mum is here to go online. I will write more later.

I’ve been doing well these days. I have a lot of energy, not manic energy, just a lot more since getting off Seroquel and drastically reducing my pot intake. I have an interview tomorrow with Sasktel to be an Operator, I’m pretty excited about this, especially since it pays 20 bucks an hour!!! I think I would be an awesome Operator, but I have to really think and spiff myself up so I Look good in the interview. I had to do a typing test and get 40wpm, and it freaked me out a bit when I was sweating and typing as fast as my fingers could fly. But I passed and moved on to the interview part of applying, so that’s good.
There is also another job I am applying for, but I don’t want to jinx it so I’m not going to talk about it much.
I”M SO TIRED! Oh man, I stayed up too late last night because I was reading my diary from when I got out of the hospital the last time, and it was kind of nice reading all that stuff, my thoughts. I lost my diary recently, I had a beautiful bluey green diary and it just up and walked out on me. I don’t know where it is for the life of me. It MUST be in my apartment somewhere, I know I didn’t take it out the door. There were some goals in there I wanted to achieve and now I can’t remember what they are.
I’m sleepy! Wah!
I really do hope I get one of these jobs I am applying for, I need to get something that pays better than what I am making now. And I need to know I can move away from call centres into something else, something more substantial. Call centres have generally been there for me when no one else would hire me because I was too damn butch looking, but they don’t pay very well and it’s getting difficult to realize I do all this work for only ten bucks an hour. Even with a bachelor’s degree. And I can’t do film work, like, on set, because the hours and the stress of working on set for other people gets to me. I could be an editor quite happily, but getting yelled at everyday, nope nope nope. Nevermind that I get yelled at on the phones by people, that’s different though, they just yell because they’re annoyed, but on film sets people yell because they think that’s how a set should be run. UGH!
I talked to my ex Velveeta last night, who is now an elvis impersonator (but not a drag king she says) named Velvis. You can see her here. She always makes me laugh, and she makes a great elvis!
Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow so I should hit the sack. I’m showering in the mornings now, but my hair still ends up looking unruly, I’m growing it out and it’s all kinds of bizarre right now. I just want to put a bag over my head until I can finally show off my new bright red locks.
Hey, my friend Shavonne has a new blog you should check out! And I mention this because she first posted the following video on her blog Tussy Talk and the song is now embedded in my head.
I Seen Beyonce at Burger King!