One day I was walking with my mum in a spot where we used to roll joints when she ripped a plant out of the ground and said “Smell this and tell me what it is!” So I did and I said, “It’s weed!” I dn’t know how that little plant managed to grow that big without any of us noticing what it was. I used to live at another place that had real opium poppies growing in the backyard.

Accidentally growing drugs is funny. I don’t grow drugs. I just grow little household plants, like this funky little tree I bought last year.

Anyway, I’m still recovering from New Years, I partied pretty hard and it’s made me tired. I can’t do that again for a while.

I’m waiting for some inspiration to hit. I’m really stuck again.

I’ve also realized I am ready to meet someone new. I think I am anyway.

I had a dream about a friend who had died. She was exactly the same as she was in real life! It was so vivid for a while I thought she had come back to life. Then I woke up. But I still felt happy.

these days I have been noticing I’m a bit down, but I think that’s because I had lower back pain. I still kind of do. I don’t know what it’s from, so I think I should see my doctor about it.

I really need my creative juices to start flowing again. I’ve been watching the Simpsons and Corner Gas whenever I can, and then I’m just reading the news. Barely even writing, much less editing. I also need to shoot more.

I’m sad to report that my rhino video got pulled from Youtube. It still remains on my facebook. There are tons of other rhino sex videos on youtube, but male on male rhino fellatio gets deemed inappropriate. It was cute! Aw, oh well.

In other news, well, nothing. I found out I didn’t get a grant, which sucks but is okay because I haven’t worked on it enough. As an idea. I may apply for another screenwriting grant or research-creation grant. I have to get my video done first though, which is why I’m waiting for my creativity to come back.

Maybe it is the weed smoking. Maybe I should go on a really long break, until I get some work done on my project. That would be a good idea. And I should clean.

I think I’m gong to do a long break off of drugs and real quit tobacco. I haven’t smoked tobacco all day, which is good. I’m still on the patch. I did smoke some pot, but after that I have n more left, and that’s fine by me. Maybe I’ll be more creative without weed in my life, more stable even. I’m going to experiment and find out. It will be my New Year’s resolution to not let weeds fill the cracks in my life and learn who I am without it.

Hmm, so I guess we will see how it goes!

But I will still drink beer!

Happy New Year All! Soon we will be entering 2009, a brand new year close to a decade after y2k. I remember New Year’s Eve on Y2K, I was so happy when the lights were still on.

2008 was a good year for me. I had my grant, I moved into Coop housing, and I went out more and more.

I went to Ness Creek for the first time and met some bears. I went down a waterslide. I went to Scotland and connected with my roots there for the first time.

I’ve come up with some good resolutions for next year. Mostly I want to take my work more seriously and papertrain Mister so he’ll only poo in one place. and I want to quit smoking, seriously! I haven’t had a smoke all day and it’s a good thing. I’m back to the patches.

It would be really nice to fall in love this year. I’m so used to being single, it would be kind of nice for a change to have someone to love.

I just found some government cheques I hadn’t cashed. And at a time when I need money too!

Christmas is nearly upon me and ever since we scaled back family present shopping to immediate family, my shopping list became teeny. Basically I bought the Beatles LOVE Cd for my sister and my mum is going to a movie with me. I can spill the beans on my prezzies because Sky can’t read the internet, or anything really beyond the word PIZZA, and Mum already knew what she was getting.

The Christmas Brunch this year was nice and small as usual and we got crunk. MUCHO boozing. Today was my last day of work before Christmas and I got a present and had some nibbly things. It was nice to get a present from work.

I must have had an off day though because it was hell trying to make quota, not usually a hard thing for me.

I signed my subsidy agreement for 2009 at the coop office today, so next month’s rent is pretty wonderfully small and affordable. I never imagined I would have such affordable housing, and in the middle of a housing crisis!

I was trying to think of an inspiring Christmas message to impart, but all I could think of was, well, nothing actually. I’ve been fretting about money this Christmas, I had to part with 25 borrowed dollars to pay for my meds today. That’s still cheap compared to what others pay for psych meds. The only reason I do pay any money is because I get my meds bubble packaged. I take about five different meds twice a day and it’s hard to keep track all by myself.

So maybe my Christmas message is to fellow money fretting folk. Making presents is just as good, if not better, than buying them. And maybe you can’t get everyone what they want for Christmas, but you could arrange some holiday cheer activities like going toboganning or inviting people over for a potluck party.

There’s my message.

Anyway. back to me. LOL. I’m currently waiting on some weed and friends, which to me is the best thing possible. I’m easy to please that way.

I have no time to blog tonight because tomorrow I’m going for breakfast with mum before we pay my bill. I pay my bill and she drives me. ANYWAY, I finally heard about the shoe throwing and I have to say it cracks me up. I watched it on Youtube and I could not believe the amount of times they showed those two shoes sail through the air towards George W. Bush’s face. And they MISSED!

Ah well, now more people want shoes thrown at various other people, mostly politicians. I never wanted to see Bush murdered or anything, but a shoe, that’s pretty good. Two shoes!

So in lieu of a proper entry, watch in two different angles at variable speeds, the shoes that were thrown at Bush.

I’m home from work today because I feel crappy. Oh well. So much for my spotless attendance. It really is too bad because it means 60 bucks less on my cheque. So I think I’ll go into work on Sunday.

I’ve been shooting this week for Grandpa’s 90th birthday, we’re doing greetings. Everyone’s is different. It’s pretty cool, got to videotape family all week. Some of them were hilarious, and at the end Grandpa gets a dvd of his whole family wishing him well. I just need to shoot Auntie Beth still and I’m done. Oh yes, and I have to edit it together, but that won’t take long. Think I’ll start this afternoon while I’m home. The whole family is getting together on Friday for wine and cheese and cake presumably, with Grandpa and Grandma. I love my grandparents, they keep trying to get me to go to the gay and lesbian church services in town so I can meet somebody. I just might too.

I’ve been realizing that I want children in my life somehow. Not to raise necessarily, just to hang out with. Kids are fun. But I think I may have to wait until my cousins have kids of their own that I can hang out with. It will happen.

It’s been a nice long time since I have gone crazy. I’m glad. Going crazy is a big fucking health concern, because it takes so long to recover from and it does have a very long lead up period. So I’d estimate it takes about a year to go through the whole thing, the lead up, the actual crazy time, and the recovery period where you just sleep and sleep to build back up your seratonin. Even with the amazing meds we have today, craziness still wreaks havoc on one’s life.

I really like my job, which is a good thing. I actually feel bad that I’m not there today to interview people. I like interviewing people, it’s interesting to find out everybody’s opinions on things. Even little things. And the office environment is good, very chill yet professional. It’s a good place to work.

Not like another call centre I worked at where the supervisors bitched out the callers once a day about this or that en masse. You really need a supportive office atmosphere to do calling, otherwise it just feels like no one appreciates you, and for sure a lot of the people we call don’t appreciate getting calls.

I’m stuck in my big video project I’m working on, Homelands. I have a title finally but I’m stuck on the narrative flow. It’s one of those situations where I know I have to shoot a little bit more to get it to work.

I’m still not smoking, and this time I think I might just be able to stick to it. I haven’t been bumming smokes and the patch is working. I don’t know if I’m rotating the place I stick it to enough though, I’ve just been jumping from shoulder to shoulder each day. No ill effects so far! And I smell better, and I can taste better, and I can KISS better, and I also have a better smelling apartment. Plus no more wasted money, especially now when money is so tight for me. I’m currently broke and in debt to my mom, who I will be paying back for a loan with my artist fees. I’ve got a bus pass now though, and some groceries, and rent is paid until January. Also my phone/net/tv bill got paid. I just have to pay my electricity with my next pay cheque and I should be all caught up.

The life of an artist, money or poverty. I wish I had some extra dough right now, especially with christmas coming, but I’m only buying for my mom and my sister this year, which should be easy. Sky’s happy with a dvd and mum needs something thoughtful. None of us really needs anything in particular this year, I bought all my major needs during my grant period. Like my red microwave. I use it ALL the time. This is the first time I’ve had a microwave, and I honestly don’t know how I lived without it. It cooks things so fast!

I do need a kitchen table and chairs. I want to have my Christmas Brunch at my house this year but I’m not sure how to do it without a table and chairs. I guess some people could sit on the floor. But I’d feel like a bad host.

Christmas Brunch is the only annual party I do up really. It’s just an excuse to eat lots of food and drink and smoke up. It’s a totally lush event. The point is to get as drunk as possible midday and therefore sleep it off for the rest of the day. Last year Carrie Gates, Shavonne Somvong, and Ryan Wonsiak came over and it was great fun. I don’t know yet who will come this year. Probably Deanna.

I can’t NOT do it this year, but I have very little money which means it’s going to have to be a potluck brunch again.

Anyway, enough about that. I have been having dreams about girls lately which makes me think I am lonely. I need to get it on with someone, but I don’t really have a specific target these days, besides one girl who seems cute and funny. Is cute and funny enough to build a relationship on? Do I even want a relationship? It seems like a relationship would fit into my life, now that things have calmed down for me and I have a job and am committed to taking my medication, instead of just being committed. And now that I’ve quit smoking I would taste better if someone kissed me.

One of my exes who’s tried and failed to quit smoking once told me one of her other lovers said to her “Your pussy tastes just like a cigarette!” “Which I thought was kind of harsh” she said. No doubt.

My pussy no longer tastes like cigarettes.

I’ve had no access to the internet for the past couple of weeks or so. No phone either, and no television! But today I finally managed to pay my bill and I’m hooked up again! It’s a relief, because I just finished rereading Slaughterhouse Five and wasn’t in the mood to find another book to fill my time. I’ve quit smoking again, it’s not going SO well, keep slipping. But it’s getting better everyday!

I’m poor again, it is true, but I’ve started my new job and I quite like it. Market Research Interviewer again. It’s a good gig really, pay is okay and the only problem is figuring out a schedule where I can get a few more hours a week. I may have to pick up a Sunday shift, which is okay generally except on Easter when people get pissy on the phones.

But Easter is a long time away, Jesus has to be born still on Christmas before we get to him dying a horrible death and then coming back to life.

I never understood why he came back to life and then buggered off. I mean, he ressurects, and then his whole physical body goes to heaven? It confuses me. Are there toilets in heaven?

Mum is getting a dog today, hopefully. She’s already bought a crate and little dishes and a teeny harness. It’s a smoothcoated mini dachshund, and she’s naming it Hermione. I hope Hermione and Arthur, the thuggy golden, get along well. Arthur hates little dogs except for my little guy Mister, so he should take to the new pup well. It’s exciting, new pets are always exciting. And mum likes dogs. She just wanted to go look at the pups at Petland one day because they had some doxies and fell in love with one of them. The last time we went her sister was gone, but the one mum wanted was still there. So HOPEFULLY by the time we get there this afternoon she’ll be there.

I’m so happy to have internet and television back. Hurrah for la interneta!

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I’m waiting for my phone to recharge when I would rather be talking to my mother. I’m down to one old green lighter, most of mine are totally dead. I have to invest in a new lighter. Even when I stop smoking, I will always need one around!

Schrodinger is crying in my room. I don’t know what he’s crying about.

Mister chased a garter snake and I got worried it would bite him and anyway, I got made fun of by Mum. And now she is spreading the tale! We went for a picnic out at Blackstrap. We were all surprised to see a snake still out. Mum chased it yelling look, a snake, look! And it was slitherng as fast as it could go, which was at a pretty good clip. Fast little snakey.

Anyway, now I look like a wuss.

Halloween weekend was quiet for me. No major partying or anything. In fact we stayed in on the actual night. Which was the first time I’d done that in ages.

I had one trick or treater. I suspect the stairs were too forboding. Well, there were three of them anyway, and now fifty pieces of chocolate have all been consumed. I could not believe how much chocolate I ate, and my cousin too. It was wild. We even listened to The Monster Mash, Purple People Eater, and the soundtrack to Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And then we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but without props. dammit! We were going to go down to the Broadway, but it was on too early and we had no props.
We also dressed up as Zombies. I had a big slash on my face like a Z for ThirZa!

Yep, that was Halloween 2008. I’ve almost always gone out. We didn’t get seen anywhere in our rad zombie makeup except the McDonalds drive thru. And I still haven’t found Golden Avenue.

I’ve got some work this week and next week, which is REALLY good because I need the money quite desperately. I also have an interview tomorrow for cfcr, the local coop radio station. I’m pretty psyched. I really hope I get it because it sounds like an interesting job.

Anyway, I’m tired of being poor already. Mostly I just want something with set hours and a future, temping is a bit dodgy just because you don’t know when the next job is coming. Plus I have to get up early for work tomorrow, ai! I hope I can do it. Also I need to get my paystubs in to the coop here so I can get on reduced rent.

I’m doing well aside from that, had a very quiet week after I got home from the festival. I mostly just adjusted to being back home, hung out with my cousin and did some goofy stuff. Now I have to clean my apartment. I guess because it is horribly messy. No way could I seduce a woman in this trash heap~!

My libido has ebbed away into a mere whisp of itself. I don’t know if this is the medications, but I can be around perfectly cute single girls and not feel a smidgen of lust. It’s terrible! I think I should talk to my doctor about it. I need viagra to get it up at all! LOL. I’ve never taken viagra. I hear you see blue dots on it.

Penis meds. Ha ha ha! I’m glad I don’t have one of those, they look way too sensitive to tote around. Breasts are sometimes sensitive, but they get jostled around all the time. Dildos are fine though, that’s all you really need unless you’re Making Babies. A queer friend at the imagineNATIVE festival voiced an often felt weirdness about the idea of sex being reproductional, and I have to say it does make me laugh. Making babies.

At this point in my life I have decided not to have babies myself. I think I’m too selfish to care for a child. Is that a bad thing to say? Certainly in the future a foster kid wouldn’t be out of the question, but I would have to be in a different place in my life to do it. For me, 30 is still too young to have a child. For ME. I don’t know about the rest of the world.

I think I like the idea of a child much better. Someone to look after, someone to look after me when I’m old, but see then it starts going back to selfish reasons for a child. And just because you have a kid doesn’t mean they’re going to want to bathe you when you’re old.

My hair is GREASY! I haven’t been able to wash it yet today, having had to check out immediately upon waking. I’ve been on a plane or in an airport since roughly 12:45 Saskatoon time. Mum wanted to know all about the festival so we had a nice chat while she read the ENTIRE list of delegates and asked about who actually showed up. I had an excellent reception to both videos, and people REALLY loved the vampire one so I think it’s going to get a lot of play for sure. I saw my sweet ex-girlfriend/best friend Margaret Flood and met her man, he seems very nice although I think it ended up being mostly girl talk. Poor dude. I also saw my good friend Mikiki and caught up, the eminem porno came up again and I think we’re going to do it (long story that I won’t get into right now, suffice it to say it’s a genderfucked raunch tape that we’ve been talking about making together for a while).

I also got to talk to him about bloodplay and Daddy/boy/girl roleplaying, which was fun. I love it when dykes and fags find common sexual ground.

The parties were ridiculously fun and I met tons of people. I heard some great music and watched some great films and now I’m very beat but still buzzed on festival fun. I also met some people I’d only known through facebook previously, which was cool, and made some new friends. But I was definitely ready to come home today.

I have a few things I want to try and blog in the next few days, but I have to gather my thoughts about them first. In the meantime, enjoy this link to an awesome blog bashing Sarah Palin. I must admit, while she freaks me out, I haven’t followed the campaign in any meaningful way, so this says it better than I ever could.

Sarah Palin is a Bitch . . . There, I said It