Maybe I should get some pepto bismol. I am home sick from work, I went and everything but as I was sitting there doing my job I started feeling REALLY sick, like seconds away from vomiting. So I had to go tell the in charge and go home and I feel bad about it. It seems to be passing, but then it will come back in like waves. Waves of nausea. GRODY!

So I’m home again. Wondering what to do. I have been wearing the patch for about three hours now and no smokes, but I might have ONE last one. I am wondering if I am getting nausea from the patch? I really shouldn’t have one. Dammit!
See, this is what happens when you blog from freely flowing thought, you argue with yourself on live internet.

Okay, I’m having one but I put the rest of the pack in the freezer so I can’t see it on the desk and automatically reach for one. I am smoking it now. I like not smoking, but there’s always this idea that I can have the ideal last cigarette. Whatever that is.

And hopefully I don’t drop dead after my last cigarette. But anyway, here goes.

So far it is like any cigarette I have ever smoked. It is merely average. It is a DuMaurier Distinct King Size. I’ve smoked a lot of different kinds of cigarettes, but this is the brand I smoked primarily, even though it was more expensive and I lived in Vancouver half of my smoking life with no treaty discount. All those taxes. This brand used to be known as DuMaurier Light King Size. They were legally required to change the name because it was alleged that people smoked lights more often because it sounded healthier, when they are all the same in regards to what they do to your body.

I used to really like smoking when I wrote.

One of the problems with my smoking is the ashtray. It often smolders and could possibly start a fire.

It never has, but one of my close friends started a fire with her cigarette. And all the spontaneous combustion cases I have heard of involved a smoker. Like poor Mary Reeser.

My smoke is over, and so is my smoking life. Actually it turned out to be a very nice smoke, because I thought so much about it and wrote this.

I’m looking forward to being a non-smoker. No more gross mouth, no more ashtray. No more smelliness. I never have a girlfriend when I am a smoker. And I’ve smoked on and off for eight years. My last dates were while I wasn’t smoking. There is just something about it, I’m almost certain my pitiful love life has to do with my smoking. And probably the four combined years of recovering from episodes. All in all I’ve been always moving around or not able to be involved for whatever reason. It’s been strange. But I’m still hoping that just by quitting smoking again, I will magically attract non smoking girls.

Right now my stomach feels fine. What if it’s morning sickness?

An interesting fact: Parthenogenesis can happen to a woman all by herself, one egg will somehow (I forget how they explain this works) fertilize another egg from the same woman.

This makes me worry I am knocked up by some fluke egg collision.

Which is hilarious.

Another interesting fact: Since there are only X chromosomes in eggs, the resulting baby would be a girl.

It’s also called Virgin Birth, as I mentioned in the last post, which makes me wonder . . .

If this is what happened to Mary, Jesus must have been a woman.

I don’t know anything about intersexed people and parthenogenesis. So I’m not sure if Jesus could have been intersexed. But that’s possible too I imagine.

So there you go, a female or intersexed Jesus. It boggles the mind. Well, not really.

It’s a monday morning, I have to go to work soon but I thought I would write a small blog first.

I am quitting smoking today! Yes! I have the patch on, smoked my last three cigarettes, and am just going to quit like that.

My little kids are fine. I call them my kids but they are the dog and cat. They’ve grown up with each other and are best friends, it’s very cute. When I first got the dog, the cat would attack him, and he was just a tiny bad kitten then. The dog was a year old already and would give me this look as the kitten was wailing on him and I would try to seperate them but the cat freaked out everytime I put him in another room or his crate just to give the dog some peace and quiet. Poor Mister.

In other news, I still seem to be hung up on my last, for lack of a better word, girlfriend. I miss her terribly and wish I could go for coffee again with her, because she was like my best friend while we were together and it was always fun, until I went crazy. She says she’s forgiven me for all the crazy emails I sent her, but she doesn’t want to see me again until I can be open with my friends about wanting to see her. I am open with my friends about wanting to see her again and they all just say that I should be over it already.

But I lost my virginity to her, which already makes her special, and then I fell in love with her twice, once when I was a teen and once when I was an adult, and it’s hard to shake that. I really did want to just marry her and even have babies with her, though I don’t know where we would get the sperm. When I was crazy I thought we could get a baby through parthanogenesis, and then it would be a virgin birth! And then we would raise some lesbian saviour or something. It was all very convoluted, and probably one of the reasons she doesn’t want to see me again. Pushing my bipolar eggs on her.

I’ve been stable for a long time now and it makes me feel like I could do a relationship again, no major issues and all that. But I feel bad for my next girlfriend because I am still hung up on my last one. I know that’s mostly because I haven’t MET my next girlfriend yet and don’t know all the delicious surprises in store, but I still feel like I’m cheating her out of having someone whose heart is fully open to someone new. Someone told me I should go for different types, but when I think of all my past lovers and people I’ve necked with, I’ve never had one distinct type or anything. I’ve had butch and femme lovers. And I fell in love with a butch once, really hard! I dunno.

Spring is bringing my sex drive back, but I am still seeing my psychiatrist this week to get a reduced antidepressant dose to try and bring me back to where I was, all wet and wild and happy.

I worked my first midnight to seven shift last night and am still decompressing. I know I need sleep because at 10:30 i’ll have been awake for twenty four hours, which can’t possibly be good. Oh man! Oh yay, I am yawning! Well, what’s new? I am doing relatively well, except for some financial issues which have impacted my life, but that happens all the time. Stupid bills.
I still have not had my major breakthrough with my video. I don’t know why. I need to reinspire myself I think.
I started a love spell! It’s not on a specific person, it’s more a bring someone into my life kinda spell. Unfortunately I did not have the inside scoop on the best place to buy witchy candles, and I needed a pink one, and all I could find was a huge pink candle, which has been burned at regular intervals over the course of two weeks and is still only halfway down. I feel like it should have been a smaller candle. But who knows, maybe I will get bigger love!
I personally like big girls. I’ve dated all sizes of girls, but the bigger ones are just a little more sexy for some reason. I think because when I’m with a big girl I’m seeing a type of sexy naked body that isn’t reflected in the media. So the rarity of it makes it more delicious. I’ve seen skinny naked girls everywhere, but chubby naked girls? Not since the pick a fold and fuck it ladies in the back of dirty mags. And you don’t see the average chubby naked lady represented, it seems to be either skinny or hugely overweight, not those middle grounders.

Plus, I must say, big girls generally have big breasts. I do! And I like ample breasts.
Well, soon I am going over to mum’s where there is no computer! Which means no internet. I have a fun fun day planned of sleeping and eating and waiting for the cuz to call and for us to go for some beers. It IS the weekend after all.

I haven’t been writing much lately, mostly because I am working so much right now. I haven’t been working on my video either, like I said I would. I’ve been bad creatively altogether.
But my trusted psych nurse, who I see mostly because she gives me insight to things I otherwise wouldn’t have, thinks I am in remission. I certainly hope so. It’s been well over a year since I was depressed. And two years since I was manic. And I got to go off one drug altogether. I am doing well, to sum up. And no thoughts of conquering the world. It’s been really nice.
I am up past my bedtime. I should get to bed soon. I just came from a lovely dinner party. I haven’t been to one in ages, besides the ones my mom has. My mommy.

My Mum and I have been getting along a lot better since I moved out of her house. Unfortunately I owe her money. And it’s about the same amount I owe to Student Loans.

It’s not as bad as you think, I’m treaty, the vast majority of my education was paid for except for the tiniest fraction, which I got a student loan for. And some of it was already forgiven, and it was a summer session anyway. Still, I know just on principle I will pay my mum back before I pay my stupid tiny student loan.

Being in remission again makes me want to get a girlfriend. But where? So far two people on facebook have mentioned Toronto, but I don’t particularly want to live in Toronto. And I had a girlfriend who lived in Toronto, and she wasn’t interested in living in Vancouver until I moved away from it. And by then we were long since broken up because she said there was no way we could be together because of the distance. I remember I had a nightmare that she dumped me because of her phone bill, and that she would have kept going out with me if Sprint had done it’s cheap long distance plan while we were still going out. Who knows.
I’m feeling optimistic about my future lately, not necessarily because of the job, maybe mostly because it is spring and everything looks better in the spring.

Well, me again.

I’m starting to feel more grown up and recovered than before doing all this work. It’s given me some kind of structure and purpose, more than the call centre job I must admit. Because the call centre was something I had done for so long.

But I do really want to be making art too. I really like that. I need to figure out a way to make it so someday. Just live from grant to grant with some award money and stuff thrown in. Or win 649.

I don’t get it. I think I blew my wad on Unusual Occurances Allowed Per Life like winning the lottery when Laurel and I saw those two UFO’s out by Cranberry Flats. It was such a weird situation, because they were out there for three hours and we saw them show up. In that strange way they did, like streams of light bouncing back and forth in the sky in a circle, and then widening to oval white lights, and then an hour later they were green balls that were shimmering and starting to jump around in the sky, and then they could turn into solid balls of light. And we still don’t know what they were, hence they were UFO’s. What the hell? What the fuck was that? SO WEIRD! I wrote about it on my old blog, Fit Of Pique.

So seeing UFO’s, AND winning the lottery? No way, I so don’t see it. But it’s nice to dream isn’t it?

Being single for so long, I am starting to worry about myself. I used to get so many crushes, and I haven’t had any for a long time. Not even an all consuming crush on a movie star. I’m not even aroused by Angelina Jolie anymore! Something is wrong. I am lowering my antidepressant soon in the hopes the problem will be alleviated. I feel chemically spayed. Blech.

I am saving up money for my next tattoo. I am getting cherry blossoms in an oval on my left forearm. I want them because I always used to get depressed in the winters in Vancouver and I would promise not to do anything until the spring, and by spring things looked way better.

I miss being in school, not enough to go back, but enough just to remember happy times when I was all hypomanic and editing all the time. I loved film school. I love film and video. I need to bring it into my life a bit more, it’s my passion but I feel like in the last two months I have made no progress on my big project. I feel like a stagnant video artist. Terrible! Well if this is the year of big changes, then I will vow to work on my art more. I need to do some new comics too.

Anyway, I gotta crash. Night night internet world.

It’s been a long time since I have written.

I have gotten a new job which has taken a lot of my time, not to mention my internet was down. DOWN! I hadn’t been able to pay my isp for a long time, and they cut me off until I could pay. Which I finally have, and so I am writing from home, most happily facebooking and all those other things I do online.

I have a smouldering ashtray in front of me. Fucking ashtray.

I come up as number two in google suggestions when you type in Thirza! I’m famous! And I have a weird name!

I like being me these days. Which is good. I’m doing pretty well, and I can get up early for work, which is also good.

I’ve been so bored without the internet and television! NO SIMPSONS! Oh lord, it was brutal!

My mum is here to go online. I will write more later.

I’ve been doing well these days. I have a lot of energy, not manic energy, just a lot more since getting off Seroquel and drastically reducing my pot intake. I have an interview tomorrow with Sasktel to be an Operator, I’m pretty excited about this, especially since it pays 20 bucks an hour!!! I think I would be an awesome Operator, but I have to really think and spiff myself up so I Look good in the interview. I had to do a typing test and get 40wpm, and it freaked me out a bit when I was sweating and typing as fast as my fingers could fly. But I passed and moved on to the interview part of applying, so that’s good.
There is also another job I am applying for, but I don’t want to jinx it so I’m not going to talk about it much.
I”M SO TIRED! Oh man, I stayed up too late last night because I was reading my diary from when I got out of the hospital the last time, and it was kind of nice reading all that stuff, my thoughts. I lost my diary recently, I had a beautiful bluey green diary and it just up and walked out on me. I don’t know where it is for the life of me. It MUST be in my apartment somewhere, I know I didn’t take it out the door. There were some goals in there I wanted to achieve and now I can’t remember what they are.
I’m sleepy! Wah!
I really do hope I get one of these jobs I am applying for, I need to get something that pays better than what I am making now. And I need to know I can move away from call centres into something else, something more substantial. Call centres have generally been there for me when no one else would hire me because I was too damn butch looking, but they don’t pay very well and it’s getting difficult to realize I do all this work for only ten bucks an hour. Even with a bachelor’s degree. And I can’t do film work, like, on set, because the hours and the stress of working on set for other people gets to me. I could be an editor quite happily, but getting yelled at everyday, nope nope nope. Nevermind that I get yelled at on the phones by people, that’s different though, they just yell because they’re annoyed, but on film sets people yell because they think that’s how a set should be run. UGH!
I talked to my ex Velveeta last night, who is now an elvis impersonator (but not a drag king she says) named Velvis. You can see her here. She always makes me laugh, and she makes a great elvis!
Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow so I should hit the sack. I’m showering in the mornings now, but my hair still ends up looking unruly, I’m growing it out and it’s all kinds of bizarre right now. I just want to put a bag over my head until I can finally show off my new bright red locks.
Hey, my friend Shavonne has a new blog you should check out! And I mention this because she first posted the following video on her blog Tussy Talk and the song is now embedded in my head.
I Seen Beyonce at Burger King!

I didn’t win 48 million, but I did get a nice artist fee that paid off most of my debt to my mom. And there’s still the Millionaire Life draw!
I had a burger at the Broadway Cafe with Mum for dinner tonight, it was SO good! And I was SO hungry! I slept all afternoon because I was still tired from last night, Ryan Wonsiak had a goodbye party at Walkers and tons of people were there. It was a lot of fun, until the end when my drunk xxxxx splashed a beer in her xxxx Deanna’s face and it got on me. Deanna splashed back, which I think surprised xxxxx but I was kind of rooting for her to get back at her at that point. Do two wrongs make a right? No, but at least xxxxx had to suffer the indignity of being covered with beer too.
I’m drinking a beer and then I’m going to bed, I am still tired and the Seroquel withdrawals have eased up. I can now go to sleep much easier. I DID get pot to help me sleep, but I don’t think I need it anymore. I’m sleeping good, and waking up nice and early. This afternoon I slept a lot, because I was up really late last night and still had to get home this morning to feed the animals.
I love my animals. Right now the dog is sacked out on his favorite chair and the cat is awol in the house, probably on my bed right now. The dog and I were wrestling earlier, he’s fun to wrestle with. He does his play bow bunches of times and it’s cute.
If you’re reading this on Facebook, it is because I am importing my blog into my notes. No I don’t usually write a lot of notes like this, this is just me blogging as per usual.
Well, it’s almost 11 o’clock, time for bed! I’m liking going to bed early these days, I used to be more of a night owl, but I find going to bed at a set hour better for my bipolar.
So I’m off the seroquel and still doing well, next I’m reducing my antidepressant to get my libido back. I’m really worried about that, because I’ve had a terrible time with depression. But I will still be on it, just half of what I’m taking now. I have to wait to see my shrink before I cut back though.

I am in the process of getting off my Seroquel because it makes me sleep in way too much. But it’s been two nights without it and I’m having a hard time sleeping. It’s pretty frustrating, especially when I know that if I just smoked some POT I could get to sleep better. But I shouldn’t self medicate, but OOOOH just a joint before bed would put me out. It’s so bothering me.
It’s Friday the 13th. I don’t know why THIS day is supposed to be unlucky, hopefully nothing bad happens to me today. I’m home sick because of various reasons, mostly to do with feeling sick. BLEH!
I was going to apply to a call centre, but they are looking for speakers of native languages and I don’t know much Cree besides Tansi Atim, which means Hello Dog! I don’t think that would be the best way to address a person on the phone.
I do have an interview with RBC next wednesday, I’m pretty excited about that, I am applying to become a teller. Client Service Representative is the actual term. I hope no one tries to rob the bank.
Oh man, I’m SO freakin’ tired. I just want to roll over and go back to bed. I might have a nap, but I should stay up and try to get my sleep back on track. I haven’t had sleep problems the whole time with Seroquel, but I have been OVER tired, which is a problem. I’m wondering how long it will take for me to get back to normal.
Ughy, I have to get something to eat. I think I will go to mum’s.

I was in the grocery store with mum the other day and we were looking at the nutritional information on the back of two packs of soup. She asked me how much sodium my favorite ichibans had. 1290mg. That’s a LOT! I’m trying to eat healthier ever since learning from my dietitian that I have high cholesterol. And I don’t want to have a heart attack soon. I feel like there’s still a lot I want to do.

It was funny seeing all the rubber food the dietitian had. Rubber carrots, rubber fish, rubber potatoes and rice.

It depresses me to think of having a heart attack. I have to do something about this.

I read somewhere online that one guy lowered his cholesterol levels just by quitting smoking. I AM smoking right now, but I still want to quit. And I think I will. I’m almost ready.

I’ve gotten used to drinking diet colas now. It’s really nice actually, I thought I would miss regular cola a lot more than I do.

If I had a cheap non toxic option to smoking I would. But nearly everything gives you toxic bluckies when you smoke it. Smoking’s not very natural, we should be eating it.

My cousin has moved into her new place, I’m happy for her, I’m glad she has a place to live in town.