I think one of the most annoying things about my last manic episode was losing the password to not only my email, but also my blog which I had meticulously tended for four years. It was one of my longest running weblogs and I was pretty proud of it, UP until I went crazy. and normally I erased stupid manic shit when I was back down to the ground putting my life back together. But this time I COULDN’T! Oh man what a shame!
I have often felt subsequently embarrassed by thoughts I expressed during mania, because they often don’t make much sense to anyone, including myself, and often focus on topics like religion which I actually don’t think about very much when I’m sane. And ironically enough, often of Christian themed topics.
I blame my Grandma, who always roped me into Bible Camp every summer, even though I never read the bible.
I’m trying to look on the bright side. Like that certain people weren’t named, or that I did stop before I went REALLY nuts, but it’s still embarrassing. I’d like to think maybe some psychiatrist or C/S/X will come across it and use it to help write about thoughts people in hypomania have.
It’s been a year now that I’ve been stable. No depressed episodes, and no manic episodes. It’s kind of amazing. I’ve NEVER been stable for this long. I don’t remember a time in my life where I felt so good, and not in a manic way. I just feel very normal. It could be remission. I’m not sure. I’ve never really been in remission. I always got depressed just when I thought I was okay. It’s a little scary to think it took until I was a few months shy of turning thirty to find real stability with this bipolar I diagnosis I have. If I’d known when I was struggling with depression at the age of 11 that it would be almost 20 years of on again off again struggles with my mood disorder, I might have given up. That IS a long time. I haven’t even had a rage in a long time either. When I was a kid I used to get frustrated at something small and go apeshit and trash my room. I’ve since learned that wrecking your own stuff because you’re In A Mood is just bullshit.
One other thing I’m embarrassed about concerning my manic episodes is I tend to fixate on women I like. I freaked one out in my first episode by sending her a weird note, and then the next woman I sent BUNCHES of weird emails to and really did make her super weirded out by me. Fuck I felt like such a creep, and was so ashamed because she and I really did have a nice time together until my mania began.
But you know what, maybe that had to happen so I would take the damn thing seriously and stay on my meds.
I’ve also been taking iron everyday, and I think that resolved some of my issues with the depression. Not all of them, I sill have to take my celexa or I get really down and listless. It’s like being the walking dead. Ugh.
Shame about the things I’ve done or said while crazy. Shame about being crazy. It’s still there, even though I’ve been open about my bipolar disorder since it cropped up in my life during the montreal mania. I think it’s mainly shame about losing control, being in an altered state for a significant period of time and being embarrassed about that. I’ve never been on a drug that’s given me the same terrifying highs of mania. It’s so enchanting to step into that world, but to have it make often lasting impacts on one’s friendships and relationships and so on, it’s shameful. I wish it wasn’t.

Day One of no pot. Well, I did scrape my pipe and smoked it. Didn’t get high. So, day one of no pot. Well I cheated. I know I did. I almost bought a tenner of pot, which is pitiful and so small no one I know would actually sell it to me.

I have this friend who’s always on an eternal quest to buy just a gram. Just ONE gram of pot! No one I know has sold to him. He’s on his own!

I knew places in Vancouver where you could buy small amounts, but even then they wouldn’t sell just ONE gram.

It’s like selling some crumbs.

I shouldn’t even talk about marijuana if I’m trying not to use, but it has been a constant friend, even longer than cigarettes. And besides, how do I know I want to quit?

Because it makes me jellybrained and sleepy.

The sleepy part is kind of nice, except for when you pig out on a bag of chips and then crash for four hours in the middle of the day. Ugh.

Lots of people I know can use pot sparingly, except for me. I don’t know why I’m such a porker when it comes to the green, but I am. I sometimes only perk up about social occasions when I find out pot is involved somehow. IT MAKES ME FEEL PITIFUL AND ANGRY AT MYSELF`! Woah, sorry about the all caps. It does though, because I feel like I had all this potential when I was younger and what did I do with it? Became a stoned old blogger with no romance in my life smelling of smoke and looking for my next high. fuck!

I am also thinking I should switch to diet soda. I think all the calories in real soda are contributing to my weight gain. And I already have a hard time with weight since I’ve been taking pills.

Oh dear, bedtime. Off to work I go tomorrow~! No more pot for me! I can do it if I believe!

I’ve had a longstanding use of pot. Since I was 19 I have been using on and off. But now that all those years of use have passed I wonder if I could have done more with my life besides sitting around stoned for so long.

I’m not liking who it is making me either. I’m feeling desperate more often than not, and that’s just no good. It’s also costing me a lot of money, and it’s not really worth it.

Plus I think it’s killing my creativity. I can’t do or think of good things while I’m sitting around looking like a burn out. I’ve been thinking abut this for a long time. I’d like to go back to a different way of life, one where I do things with myself like sit in a bubble bath with candles, instead of just inhaling burning plant materials to make myself feel better. It’s a bummer for a lot of reasons.

It will totally change the dynamic with my friends, some of who are also chronic users. I do have clean friends though.

Maybe I should take a LONG break. Like a few months. Although if I like being clean, maybe I could stretch it out. I don’t know if I can honestly say Never again, but I can always take it as it comes.

Who will I be without weed? I’m really curious. That’s mostly why I want to do it, I want to find out who I will be without it.

One day I was walking with my mum in a spot where we used to roll joints when she ripped a plant out of the ground and said “Smell this and tell me what it is!” So I did and I said, “It’s weed!” I dn’t know how that little plant managed to grow that big without any of us noticing what it was. I used to live at another place that had real opium poppies growing in the backyard.

Accidentally growing drugs is funny. I don’t grow drugs. I just grow little household plants, like this funky little tree I bought last year.

Anyway, I’m still recovering from New Years, I partied pretty hard and it’s made me tired. I can’t do that again for a while.

I’m waiting for some inspiration to hit. I’m really stuck again.

I’ve also realized I am ready to meet someone new. I think I am anyway.

I had a dream about a friend who had died. She was exactly the same as she was in real life! It was so vivid for a while I thought she had come back to life. Then I woke up. But I still felt happy.

these days I have been noticing I’m a bit down, but I think that’s because I had lower back pain. I still kind of do. I don’t know what it’s from, so I think I should see my doctor about it.

I really need my creative juices to start flowing again. I’ve been watching the Simpsons and Corner Gas whenever I can, and then I’m just reading the news. Barely even writing, much less editing. I also need to shoot more.

I’m sad to report that my rhino video got pulled from Youtube. It still remains on my facebook. There are tons of other rhino sex videos on youtube, but male on male rhino fellatio gets deemed inappropriate. It was cute! Aw, oh well.

In other news, well, nothing. I found out I didn’t get a grant, which sucks but is okay because I haven’t worked on it enough. As an idea. I may apply for another screenwriting grant or research-creation grant. I have to get my video done first though, which is why I’m waiting for my creativity to come back.

Maybe it is the weed smoking. Maybe I should go on a really long break, until I get some work done on my project. That would be a good idea. And I should clean.

I think I’m gong to do a long break off of drugs and real quit tobacco. I haven’t smoked tobacco all day, which is good. I’m still on the patch. I did smoke some pot, but after that I have n more left, and that’s fine by me. Maybe I’ll be more creative without weed in my life, more stable even. I’m going to experiment and find out. It will be my New Year’s resolution to not let weeds fill the cracks in my life and learn who I am without it.

Hmm, so I guess we will see how it goes!

But I will still drink beer!

Happy New Year All! Soon we will be entering 2009, a brand new year close to a decade after y2k. I remember New Year’s Eve on Y2K, I was so happy when the lights were still on.

2008 was a good year for me. I had my grant, I moved into Coop housing, and I went out more and more.

I went to Ness Creek for the first time and met some bears. I went down a waterslide. I went to Scotland and connected with my roots there for the first time.

I’ve come up with some good resolutions for next year. Mostly I want to take my work more seriously and papertrain Mister so he’ll only poo in one place. and I want to quit smoking, seriously! I haven’t had a smoke all day and it’s a good thing. I’m back to the patches.

It would be really nice to fall in love this year. I’m so used to being single, it would be kind of nice for a change to have someone to love.

I just found some government cheques I hadn’t cashed. And at a time when I need money too!

Christmas is nearly upon me and ever since we scaled back family present shopping to immediate family, my shopping list became teeny. Basically I bought the Beatles LOVE Cd for my sister and my mum is going to a movie with me. I can spill the beans on my prezzies because Sky can’t read the internet, or anything really beyond the word PIZZA, and Mum already knew what she was getting.

The Christmas Brunch this year was nice and small as usual and we got crunk. MUCHO boozing. Today was my last day of work before Christmas and I got a present and had some nibbly things. It was nice to get a present from work.

I must have had an off day though because it was hell trying to make quota, not usually a hard thing for me.

I signed my subsidy agreement for 2009 at the coop office today, so next month’s rent is pretty wonderfully small and affordable. I never imagined I would have such affordable housing, and in the middle of a housing crisis!

I was trying to think of an inspiring Christmas message to impart, but all I could think of was, well, nothing actually. I’ve been fretting about money this Christmas, I had to part with 25 borrowed dollars to pay for my meds today. That’s still cheap compared to what others pay for psych meds. The only reason I do pay any money is because I get my meds bubble packaged. I take about five different meds twice a day and it’s hard to keep track all by myself.

So maybe my Christmas message is to fellow money fretting folk. Making presents is just as good, if not better, than buying them. And maybe you can’t get everyone what they want for Christmas, but you could arrange some holiday cheer activities like going toboganning or inviting people over for a potluck party.

There’s my message.

Anyway. back to me. LOL. I’m currently waiting on some weed and friends, which to me is the best thing possible. I’m easy to please that way.

I have no time to blog tonight because tomorrow I’m going for breakfast with mum before we pay my bill. I pay my bill and she drives me. ANYWAY, I finally heard about the shoe throwing and I have to say it cracks me up. I watched it on Youtube and I could not believe the amount of times they showed those two shoes sail through the air towards George W. Bush’s face. And they MISSED!

Ah well, now more people want shoes thrown at various other people, mostly politicians. I never wanted to see Bush murdered or anything, but a shoe, that’s pretty good. Two shoes!

So in lieu of a proper entry, watch in two different angles at variable speeds, the shoes that were thrown at Bush.

I’m home from work today because I feel crappy. Oh well. So much for my spotless attendance. It really is too bad because it means 60 bucks less on my cheque. So I think I’ll go into work on Sunday.

I’ve been shooting this week for Grandpa’s 90th birthday, we’re doing greetings. Everyone’s is different. It’s pretty cool, got to videotape family all week. Some of them were hilarious, and at the end Grandpa gets a dvd of his whole family wishing him well. I just need to shoot Auntie Beth still and I’m done. Oh yes, and I have to edit it together, but that won’t take long. Think I’ll start this afternoon while I’m home. The whole family is getting together on Friday for wine and cheese and cake presumably, with Grandpa and Grandma. I love my grandparents, they keep trying to get me to go to the gay and lesbian church services in town so I can meet somebody. I just might too.

I’ve been realizing that I want children in my life somehow. Not to raise necessarily, just to hang out with. Kids are fun. But I think I may have to wait until my cousins have kids of their own that I can hang out with. It will happen.

It’s been a nice long time since I have gone crazy. I’m glad. Going crazy is a big fucking health concern, because it takes so long to recover from and it does have a very long lead up period. So I’d estimate it takes about a year to go through the whole thing, the lead up, the actual crazy time, and the recovery period where you just sleep and sleep to build back up your seratonin. Even with the amazing meds we have today, craziness still wreaks havoc on one’s life.

I really like my job, which is a good thing. I actually feel bad that I’m not there today to interview people. I like interviewing people, it’s interesting to find out everybody’s opinions on things. Even little things. And the office environment is good, very chill yet professional. It’s a good place to work.

Not like another call centre I worked at where the supervisors bitched out the callers once a day about this or that en masse. You really need a supportive office atmosphere to do calling, otherwise it just feels like no one appreciates you, and for sure a lot of the people we call don’t appreciate getting calls.

I’m stuck in my big video project I’m working on, Homelands. I have a title finally but I’m stuck on the narrative flow. It’s one of those situations where I know I have to shoot a little bit more to get it to work.

I’m still not smoking, and this time I think I might just be able to stick to it. I haven’t been bumming smokes and the patch is working. I don’t know if I’m rotating the place I stick it to enough though, I’ve just been jumping from shoulder to shoulder each day. No ill effects so far! And I smell better, and I can taste better, and I can KISS better, and I also have a better smelling apartment. Plus no more wasted money, especially now when money is so tight for me. I’m currently broke and in debt to my mom, who I will be paying back for a loan with my artist fees. I’ve got a bus pass now though, and some groceries, and rent is paid until January. Also my phone/net/tv bill got paid. I just have to pay my electricity with my next pay cheque and I should be all caught up.

The life of an artist, money or poverty. I wish I had some extra dough right now, especially with christmas coming, but I’m only buying for my mom and my sister this year, which should be easy. Sky’s happy with a dvd and mum needs something thoughtful. None of us really needs anything in particular this year, I bought all my major needs during my grant period. Like my red microwave. I use it ALL the time. This is the first time I’ve had a microwave, and I honestly don’t know how I lived without it. It cooks things so fast!

I do need a kitchen table and chairs. I want to have my Christmas Brunch at my house this year but I’m not sure how to do it without a table and chairs. I guess some people could sit on the floor. But I’d feel like a bad host.

Christmas Brunch is the only annual party I do up really. It’s just an excuse to eat lots of food and drink and smoke up. It’s a totally lush event. The point is to get as drunk as possible midday and therefore sleep it off for the rest of the day. Last year Carrie Gates, Shavonne Somvong, and Ryan Wonsiak came over and it was great fun. I don’t know yet who will come this year. Probably Deanna.

I can’t NOT do it this year, but I have very little money which means it’s going to have to be a potluck brunch again.

Anyway, enough about that. I have been having dreams about girls lately which makes me think I am lonely. I need to get it on with someone, but I don’t really have a specific target these days, besides one girl who seems cute and funny. Is cute and funny enough to build a relationship on? Do I even want a relationship? It seems like a relationship would fit into my life, now that things have calmed down for me and I have a job and am committed to taking my medication, instead of just being committed. And now that I’ve quit smoking I would taste better if someone kissed me.

One of my exes who’s tried and failed to quit smoking once told me one of her other lovers said to her “Your pussy tastes just like a cigarette!” “Which I thought was kind of harsh” she said. No doubt.

My pussy no longer tastes like cigarettes.

I’ve had no access to the internet for the past couple of weeks or so. No phone either, and no television! But today I finally managed to pay my bill and I’m hooked up again! It’s a relief, because I just finished rereading Slaughterhouse Five and wasn’t in the mood to find another book to fill my time. I’ve quit smoking again, it’s not going SO well, keep slipping. But it’s getting better everyday!

I’m poor again, it is true, but I’ve started my new job and I quite like it. Market Research Interviewer again. It’s a good gig really, pay is okay and the only problem is figuring out a schedule where I can get a few more hours a week. I may have to pick up a Sunday shift, which is okay generally except on Easter when people get pissy on the phones.

But Easter is a long time away, Jesus has to be born still on Christmas before we get to him dying a horrible death and then coming back to life.

I never understood why he came back to life and then buggered off. I mean, he ressurects, and then his whole physical body goes to heaven? It confuses me. Are there toilets in heaven?

Mum is getting a dog today, hopefully. She’s already bought a crate and little dishes and a teeny harness. It’s a smoothcoated mini dachshund, and she’s naming it Hermione. I hope Hermione and Arthur, the thuggy golden, get along well. Arthur hates little dogs except for my little guy Mister, so he should take to the new pup well. It’s exciting, new pets are always exciting. And mum likes dogs. She just wanted to go look at the pups at Petland one day because they had some doxies and fell in love with one of them. The last time we went her sister was gone, but the one mum wanted was still there. So HOPEFULLY by the time we get there this afternoon she’ll be there.

I’m so happy to have internet and television back. Hurrah for la interneta!

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