My psychiatrist had some kind of skiing accident and has been away for a long time. I’ve been back to my g.p., but lately I’ve been wondering if I’m fine. I think I need to make new adjustments to my meds, but I’m not sure if that’s true. And now I’ve realized I’ve just gotten so used to checking in with a doctor about my condition that I have no idea how I really am. I think I’ve been doing well, but it’s hard to get up in the morning early. And that worries me. Plus I’ve commonly had fall depressions, and I think subconsciously I’m worried about that coming up again.

Good thing I have an appointment with her soon.

I guess I do have mild depression. I’d like to shake it off, but I really think it’s related to needing more work and not being able to do mornings for some reason. And the end of the big grant. It lasted a long time, through many adventures. And I miss Scotland still.

Oddly enough I am really liking being single right now. I’m not entirely sure why that is. I guess I like my own company when I am alone. It’s comforting. And I’ve spent so much of my twenties doing things on my own that it’s just fine.

Anyway, I am trying to check in on myself and see if I am really okay or if I am slipping into anything like mania or depression.

Well, I’m not overly happy, that’s for sure. So mania must be out.

That leaves depression. aw crap. Okay, or middle ground, which would be the best.

Well it was the anniversary of a friend’s suicide this past month, that was sad.

But I did come home from Scotland, and that kinda made me sad too.

HMM> i guess there are reasons to be sad at the moment, but it still makes me uncomfortable. I hate having to look out for my moods. It’s a part of my illness I find very difficult. So weird to have to look out for your own moods, and the depressions are the worst because there’s this dark blackness to them, like you can’t see through it to your future. Ugh! I HATE THAT!

Poop on depression.

Plus it’s just sad that summer is over. Aw, no more summer til 2009!

So I’m writing a grant to do a short recruitment video for the Martian Mining Ship that’s going to Terraform Mars for the Indigenous people of earth. It should be pretty funny. It’s based on a performance I’ve been doing here and there. Meaning, Saskatoon and twice in Vancouver.

I have the costumes designed already.

They are black coveralls with MARS CREW beaded on the back in red beads.

It’s kind of based in my desire, however far fetched, to go into space.

But it’s based on a different idea of going into space, because it’s tied in with this idea of home, and leaving home, and making a new home but it will never be the same. There’s an inherent loneliness to the idea of space travel.

Anyway, I am having grant writers block and it sucks. I can’t for the life of me describe my project. I need to read some of my old notes or something.

I can only get 17 000, which is still 17 000 more than I have now.

Damn block! I can’t even write this! I’m going to bed.

This article from the Globe and Mail about various racist comments made by the Conservative party’s folks made me shudder. So many stereotypes, so much hate. What a fucked up party man!

I am leaning towards the NDP right now and then also curious about the Green party. But then there is also the Liberals, and really that’s the only other big party aside from the Bloc, which I can’t vote for since I’m in Saskatchewan. Not that I would vote Bloc. Maybe I should just vote for a fringe independent candidate. Damn, so many choices.

It really makes me wonder about a place like the States where there are only two political parties. Not enough representation of diversity in political opinion. It’s kind of weird. Even though it’s pretty much been either Conservative or Liberal in power, there have been other people in parliament from all the other parties.

And it’s going to be another minority government. Those things seem to have elections pretty quick, and there’s always the confidence vote that can do it in.

One good thing about Canada is we do our elections with pencils and papers. No hanging chads, no electronic voting thinglydoos.

Anyway, the real point of this election is to get rid of the Conservatives. Stephen Harper is evil. He keeps axing arts funding. He gave people something like a hundred bucks a year towards their child care instead of funding day cares and the like. In Fit Of Pique I photoshopped a picture of him as George W. Bush’s Mini Me. Enough said.

Not to mention the, uh, sobering remarks made by a Tory Candidate’s assistant to Native protesters. And that guy who wants me and all my friends to live in Labrador.

LABRADOR?

What will we do there? Sniff government supplied gasoline?

Well, I’m in the temporary help industry now, where I am making a somewhat better wage doing work in light industry. Tomorrow I’m going to a warehouse to help out from 8 til 5, and the same on Thursday. Monday I was at an industrial laundry facility to count dirty clothes. I made 11 bucks an hour. This is much better than the call centres. I hated being yelled at ALL the time by people I called to take part in surveys. So far the work’s been REALLY temporary. I don’t know, it’s a strange way to earn a living, it makes me feel a bit like a prostitute, being pimped out to all kinds of businesses. At least In Theory. In practice it’s just like going to work for a few or one days and then waiting for the next assignment to come in. I’ll see if I like it after I’ve done it for longer.

A friend told me to be glad I didn’t get data entry jobs because he said they’re BORING as all hell. I guess so. Data entry doesn’t sound glamourous.

Of course the fact that I am in light industry worries me a bit because my cousin Christopher died in an industrial accident. I will have to be very careful. I got a pair of steel toed work boots today with some artist fee money because apparently most of the assignments I’m being sent to I need steel toed work boots. They’re really nice but I wish I didn’t have to lay out so much money. Of course feet never change when you’re an adult, so if I take care of them they will last me years.

My quitting smoking is still going well. I am going to a week of Step 2 and then a last week of Step 3, and then I’m going off the patches for good. I am feeling REALLY triggery for smokes lately and I don’t know why, I suspect it has to do with going for work again. I used to smoke during my breaks, now I don’t. I have to do something else.

And I like the sensation of smoking. I would smoke something totally not tobacco if I could, just for a replacement. But I don’t know the good herbal cigarettes or where to get them.

Anyway, that’s my life, not too exciting right now. Work is good though, I need the money and I actually didn’t mind being on my feet all day on Monday. If I can just keep it up . . . and get fit while I do it!

I’ve been sitting around all day today. That’s not quite true, I took Mister on a long walk and he had a poo and everything. It was a perfect owner/dog moment. Now he’s snoozing by his kennel. I think I should put it away, he was going in and out for a while but now he doesn’t care to.

I finally ordered my cable package, I’m not sure I can afford it, which is a bit silly, but we’ll see what happens. I cut out various silly programs, like all the sports channels. And anyway, we’ll see. There’s still nothing on. I’m so bored! I want The Simpsons or Corner Gas or something to be on.

Today I’m mainly sitting around being a bum. It’s because I’m waiting for my cousin Deanna to come over and hang out. We’re going downtown to goof around eventually and then back to Mum’s house for dinner.

It’s going to be a nice day. I keep cleaning my house in between writing these paragraphs, and it’s made me uninspired. I should quit.

After going on a transatlantic flight, I can somewhat understand Bjork flipping out like this.

Hey, did you hear about the particle accelerator currently looking for the Higgs Boson particle? They did the first collision successfully today, and it’s going to be running for the next fifteen years or so while they fiddle with all kinds of things. People are scared it will somehow rip the universe apart. Or blow up earth.

Google has a pretty cute icon of the particle accelerator on it’s page.

I love Google. It’s pretty much my only search engine, which could be goofy, I know.

I’m back from my interview and wearing my Scottish Rugby Shirt, which makes me happy. It’s REALLY nice. And now appropriate for work since I may possibly be doing light industrial temp work. It would be different, and it pays better than what I was doing. I’m going to have to get some stamina. Maybe it will be good we walked so much in Scotland, because I’m in much better shape, although still quite chubby. I ate and drank more in Scotland. I usually don’t eat so much. Or maybe I do and it’s mostly snacks. I definitely don’t usually drink so much, yesterday I went for a pint and it was just that, one pint.

I’m still on my no smoking thing. I haven’t had a smoke, not even when I’ve been tempted. In the UK smokes have Smoking Kills written right on them, and it really freaked me out so of course I didn’t want to buy smokes there. And here there is the Bloody Brain, the Broken Heart, and the Cancerous Lungs. Ugh to that!

Either way, I need to get in better shape.

It’s early morning and I got up so that I can fill out an online application for employment in a temp staffing office. Yes, I am currently aspiring to be a temp. I think I might like it, I would meet a variety of people by the end of it, that’s for sure.

So I have to look extra sparkly today. I had a dream I was buying makeup. That is WEIRD for me, as I haven’t worn makeup for nearly eight years, except a couple times when I was crazy.

Craziness brings out the showmanship in clothing tastes, that’s for sure.

I’m still really missing Scotland. It feels like being homesick! I’m surprised that I miss it this much. I wish I was still on holidays.

Oh damn! I seem to be chubbier than I was when I wore my tux, the result is my shirt no longer fits. Damn! So right now I am wearing a Scottish Rugby Shirt with a huge emblem of the Scottish Flag on it. It’s pretty stylin’, but not appropriate for a job interview. So I think now we also have to go interview shirt shopping. Double damn! Money I didn’t want to spend, going!

Anyway, I think I had the best summer ever this year, it’s going to be hard to top, that’s for sure. Hmm, although a summer romance is also something to look forward to. I did have one of those, sure enough, she dumped me around about august.

I’m back to looking for work, and soon! I need something to fill in my long days and take away from my career for a while. LOL. No, I don’t consider work to be that huge a burden. Although it will be a definite change of pace from life right now.

I’m still doing well with not smoking. I’ve done all kinds of things and not smoked cigarettes. I still only had that one slip way way back when I first started quitting. It’s been weeks now. I’m on Step 2 of The Patch. It seems to be working. I didn’t notice the change from Step 1. I’m a little more tired though. It’s not such a heavy stimulant, and I’ve noticed being able to sleep more even when I am wearing it.

I’m pretty sleepy now, don’t know why I”m even writing. We might have come into contact with bedbugs in the UK. Mum has big welty bites on her arms and legs, and I have a few on my wrist and ankles. So, eeehhhh! I hope we didn’t bring them with us, although I hear they can’t survive Saskatchewan winters. Let’s pray it’s true!

I’m feeling goofy, having had some absinthe. And also still being terribly jet lagged. I’m pretty ready to go to sleep. It’s nice being back in Canada, I can’t imagine living any other place.

I really like my footage. I’m very tired though, again. I am premiering You Are A Lesbian Vampire in Toronto at ImagineNative. Exciting! And I’m also showing Madness In Four Actions there.

We picked up Mister and Schrodinger today. They had a good time at summer camp (aka the kennel), Mister came out of his shell a LOT more, and made friends with some of the dogs there. He’s also friendlier to my friends, which is nice. Schrodinger spent the time in the office with Mimi, my mum’s cat. He had his mouse with him. It’s a little fuzzy green thing.

Oh man, I should crash. Deanna liked the semi precious stone runes I got her. Now she can give me rune readings!!