I have no time to blog tonight because tomorrow I’m going for breakfast with mum before we pay my bill. I pay my bill and she drives me. ANYWAY, I finally heard about the shoe throwing and I have to say it cracks me up. I watched it on Youtube and I could not believe the amount of times they showed those two shoes sail through the air towards George W. Bush’s face. And they MISSED!

Ah well, now more people want shoes thrown at various other people, mostly politicians. I never wanted to see Bush murdered or anything, but a shoe, that’s pretty good. Two shoes!

So in lieu of a proper entry, watch in two different angles at variable speeds, the shoes that were thrown at Bush.

I’m home from work today because I feel crappy. Oh well. So much for my spotless attendance. It really is too bad because it means 60 bucks less on my cheque. So I think I’ll go into work on Sunday.

I’ve been shooting this week for Grandpa’s 90th birthday, we’re doing greetings. Everyone’s is different. It’s pretty cool, got to videotape family all week. Some of them were hilarious, and at the end Grandpa gets a dvd of his whole family wishing him well. I just need to shoot Auntie Beth still and I’m done. Oh yes, and I have to edit it together, but that won’t take long. Think I’ll start this afternoon while I’m home. The whole family is getting together on Friday for wine and cheese and cake presumably, with Grandpa and Grandma. I love my grandparents, they keep trying to get me to go to the gay and lesbian church services in town so I can meet somebody. I just might too.

I’ve been realizing that I want children in my life somehow. Not to raise necessarily, just to hang out with. Kids are fun. But I think I may have to wait until my cousins have kids of their own that I can hang out with. It will happen.

It’s been a nice long time since I have gone crazy. I’m glad. Going crazy is a big fucking health concern, because it takes so long to recover from and it does have a very long lead up period. So I’d estimate it takes about a year to go through the whole thing, the lead up, the actual crazy time, and the recovery period where you just sleep and sleep to build back up your seratonin. Even with the amazing meds we have today, craziness still wreaks havoc on one’s life.

I really like my job, which is a good thing. I actually feel bad that I’m not there today to interview people. I like interviewing people, it’s interesting to find out everybody’s opinions on things. Even little things. And the office environment is good, very chill yet professional. It’s a good place to work.

Not like another call centre I worked at where the supervisors bitched out the callers once a day about this or that en masse. You really need a supportive office atmosphere to do calling, otherwise it just feels like no one appreciates you, and for sure a lot of the people we call don’t appreciate getting calls.

I’m stuck in my big video project I’m working on, Homelands. I have a title finally but I’m stuck on the narrative flow. It’s one of those situations where I know I have to shoot a little bit more to get it to work.

I’m still not smoking, and this time I think I might just be able to stick to it. I haven’t been bumming smokes and the patch is working. I don’t know if I’m rotating the place I stick it to enough though, I’ve just been jumping from shoulder to shoulder each day. No ill effects so far! And I smell better, and I can taste better, and I can KISS better, and I also have a better smelling apartment. Plus no more wasted money, especially now when money is so tight for me. I’m currently broke and in debt to my mom, who I will be paying back for a loan with my artist fees. I’ve got a bus pass now though, and some groceries, and rent is paid until January. Also my phone/net/tv bill got paid. I just have to pay my electricity with my next pay cheque and I should be all caught up.

The life of an artist, money or poverty. I wish I had some extra dough right now, especially with christmas coming, but I’m only buying for my mom and my sister this year, which should be easy. Sky’s happy with a dvd and mum needs something thoughtful. None of us really needs anything in particular this year, I bought all my major needs during my grant period. Like my red microwave. I use it ALL the time. This is the first time I’ve had a microwave, and I honestly don’t know how I lived without it. It cooks things so fast!

I do need a kitchen table and chairs. I want to have my Christmas Brunch at my house this year but I’m not sure how to do it without a table and chairs. I guess some people could sit on the floor. But I’d feel like a bad host.

Christmas Brunch is the only annual party I do up really. It’s just an excuse to eat lots of food and drink and smoke up. It’s a totally lush event. The point is to get as drunk as possible midday and therefore sleep it off for the rest of the day. Last year Carrie Gates, Shavonne Somvong, and Ryan Wonsiak came over and it was great fun. I don’t know yet who will come this year. Probably Deanna.

I can’t NOT do it this year, but I have very little money which means it’s going to have to be a potluck brunch again.

Anyway, enough about that. I have been having dreams about girls lately which makes me think I am lonely. I need to get it on with someone, but I don’t really have a specific target these days, besides one girl who seems cute and funny. Is cute and funny enough to build a relationship on? Do I even want a relationship? It seems like a relationship would fit into my life, now that things have calmed down for me and I have a job and am committed to taking my medication, instead of just being committed. And now that I’ve quit smoking I would taste better if someone kissed me.

One of my exes who’s tried and failed to quit smoking once told me one of her other lovers said to her “Your pussy tastes just like a cigarette!” “Which I thought was kind of harsh” she said. No doubt.

My pussy no longer tastes like cigarettes.

I’ve had no access to the internet for the past couple of weeks or so. No phone either, and no television! But today I finally managed to pay my bill and I’m hooked up again! It’s a relief, because I just finished rereading Slaughterhouse Five and wasn’t in the mood to find another book to fill my time. I’ve quit smoking again, it’s not going SO well, keep slipping. But it’s getting better everyday!

I’m poor again, it is true, but I’ve started my new job and I quite like it. Market Research Interviewer again. It’s a good gig really, pay is okay and the only problem is figuring out a schedule where I can get a few more hours a week. I may have to pick up a Sunday shift, which is okay generally except on Easter when people get pissy on the phones.

But Easter is a long time away, Jesus has to be born still on Christmas before we get to him dying a horrible death and then coming back to life.

I never understood why he came back to life and then buggered off. I mean, he ressurects, and then his whole physical body goes to heaven? It confuses me. Are there toilets in heaven?

Mum is getting a dog today, hopefully. She’s already bought a crate and little dishes and a teeny harness. It’s a smoothcoated mini dachshund, and she’s naming it Hermione. I hope Hermione and Arthur, the thuggy golden, get along well. Arthur hates little dogs except for my little guy Mister, so he should take to the new pup well. It’s exciting, new pets are always exciting. And mum likes dogs. She just wanted to go look at the pups at Petland one day because they had some doxies and fell in love with one of them. The last time we went her sister was gone, but the one mum wanted was still there. So HOPEFULLY by the time we get there this afternoon she’ll be there.

I’m so happy to have internet and television back. Hurrah for la interneta!

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I’m waiting for my phone to recharge when I would rather be talking to my mother. I’m down to one old green lighter, most of mine are totally dead. I have to invest in a new lighter. Even when I stop smoking, I will always need one around!

Schrodinger is crying in my room. I don’t know what he’s crying about.

Mister chased a garter snake and I got worried it would bite him and anyway, I got made fun of by Mum. And now she is spreading the tale! We went for a picnic out at Blackstrap. We were all surprised to see a snake still out. Mum chased it yelling look, a snake, look! And it was slitherng as fast as it could go, which was at a pretty good clip. Fast little snakey.

Anyway, now I look like a wuss.

Halloween weekend was quiet for me. No major partying or anything. In fact we stayed in on the actual night. Which was the first time I’d done that in ages.

I had one trick or treater. I suspect the stairs were too forboding. Well, there were three of them anyway, and now fifty pieces of chocolate have all been consumed. I could not believe how much chocolate I ate, and my cousin too. It was wild. We even listened to The Monster Mash, Purple People Eater, and the soundtrack to Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And then we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but without props. dammit! We were going to go down to the Broadway, but it was on too early and we had no props.
We also dressed up as Zombies. I had a big slash on my face like a Z for ThirZa!

Yep, that was Halloween 2008. I’ve almost always gone out. We didn’t get seen anywhere in our rad zombie makeup except the McDonalds drive thru. And I still haven’t found Golden Avenue.

I’ve got some work this week and next week, which is REALLY good because I need the money quite desperately. I also have an interview tomorrow for cfcr, the local coop radio station. I’m pretty psyched. I really hope I get it because it sounds like an interesting job.

Anyway, I’m tired of being poor already. Mostly I just want something with set hours and a future, temping is a bit dodgy just because you don’t know when the next job is coming. Plus I have to get up early for work tomorrow, ai! I hope I can do it. Also I need to get my paystubs in to the coop here so I can get on reduced rent.

I’m doing well aside from that, had a very quiet week after I got home from the festival. I mostly just adjusted to being back home, hung out with my cousin and did some goofy stuff. Now I have to clean my apartment. I guess because it is horribly messy. No way could I seduce a woman in this trash heap~!

My libido has ebbed away into a mere whisp of itself. I don’t know if this is the medications, but I can be around perfectly cute single girls and not feel a smidgen of lust. It’s terrible! I think I should talk to my doctor about it. I need viagra to get it up at all! LOL. I’ve never taken viagra. I hear you see blue dots on it.

Penis meds. Ha ha ha! I’m glad I don’t have one of those, they look way too sensitive to tote around. Breasts are sometimes sensitive, but they get jostled around all the time. Dildos are fine though, that’s all you really need unless you’re Making Babies. A queer friend at the imagineNATIVE festival voiced an often felt weirdness about the idea of sex being reproductional, and I have to say it does make me laugh. Making babies.

At this point in my life I have decided not to have babies myself. I think I’m too selfish to care for a child. Is that a bad thing to say? Certainly in the future a foster kid wouldn’t be out of the question, but I would have to be in a different place in my life to do it. For me, 30 is still too young to have a child. For ME. I don’t know about the rest of the world.

I think I like the idea of a child much better. Someone to look after, someone to look after me when I’m old, but see then it starts going back to selfish reasons for a child. And just because you have a kid doesn’t mean they’re going to want to bathe you when you’re old.

My hair is GREASY! I haven’t been able to wash it yet today, having had to check out immediately upon waking. I’ve been on a plane or in an airport since roughly 12:45 Saskatoon time. Mum wanted to know all about the festival so we had a nice chat while she read the ENTIRE list of delegates and asked about who actually showed up. I had an excellent reception to both videos, and people REALLY loved the vampire one so I think it’s going to get a lot of play for sure. I saw my sweet ex-girlfriend/best friend Margaret Flood and met her man, he seems very nice although I think it ended up being mostly girl talk. Poor dude. I also saw my good friend Mikiki and caught up, the eminem porno came up again and I think we’re going to do it (long story that I won’t get into right now, suffice it to say it’s a genderfucked raunch tape that we’ve been talking about making together for a while).

I also got to talk to him about bloodplay and Daddy/boy/girl roleplaying, which was fun. I love it when dykes and fags find common sexual ground.

The parties were ridiculously fun and I met tons of people. I heard some great music and watched some great films and now I’m very beat but still buzzed on festival fun. I also met some people I’d only known through facebook previously, which was cool, and made some new friends. But I was definitely ready to come home today.

I have a few things I want to try and blog in the next few days, but I have to gather my thoughts about them first. In the meantime, enjoy this link to an awesome blog bashing Sarah Palin. I must admit, while she freaks me out, I haven’t followed the campaign in any meaningful way, so this says it better than I ever could.

Sarah Palin is a Bitch . . . There, I said It

And I’m hyaving lots of fun. I can’t believe how many friendly people I know, they are extremely nice and I got a good reception to Madness In Four Actions. People are excited about the vampire flick and I think a lot of my friends are going to come out for it. I’ve been busy with festival things, going to movies, going out schmoozing with the artists and programmers and other filmy related folk. I’ve seen some good work, and I’ve met some really interesting people. I love the comraderie of a film festival.

This afternoon I have nothing scheduled so I am kicking back and enjoying a lazy few hours before I head out to watch more more MORE films and videos!

Staying in the hostel is actually not too bad, even though I am in a six person dorm. I sleep in every morning (something I have to stop if I am to catch my plane), and then I head out to the festival. I stayed out pretty late last night and I think tonight is some kind of party. They sure do know how to party it up at this festival. I met a woman from Australia who lives in the bush with the crocodiles, she was the subject of a doc on the opening night. I saw my friend Cheryl L’Hirondelle perform last night, where I ran into my ex stepmom and an old friend who used to live in Van like me.

I’m having a lot of fun, which is good. I had no expectations when I arrived, which maybe why I’m having such a good time. I’ve already seen more friends than I saw in Vancouver when I was there recently.

Anyway, that’s about the scoop. I managed to snag two copies of NOW with my review in it, the actors want a copy so I might just keep a photocopy for myself and give them the originals for their scrapbook.

For whatever reason I didn’t reorder my meds, thinking I still had about a week left of them. Now either I lost a week of medication or I ate them all. Anyway, I missed two days of night meds in a row, and while I did manage to sleep the first night, by the second night I was totally sleepless in Saskatoon, rolling around in bed in total darkness occasionally snuggling the dog just for something to do. It was awful. All day I’ve felt slightly ill, the kind of ill that comes from lack of sleep. Just cruddy and awful.

So, since it was a thanksgiving weekend, and with my normal pharmacy closed, I had to get pills from somewhere else. And bipolar medications aren’t sold on the street, that’s for sure. Lucky for me my psychiatrist had given me a new prescription that I hadn’t taken down to the pharmacy yet. So we got it filled at Safeway pharmacy today and I’m so relieved to have my lovely little pills again. I was worried I’d really go off track with this not being able to sleep issue.

I’m taking Seroquel, which helps you sleep aside from being an antipsychotic, and without it I just can’t sleep easily at all. So it’s pretty necessary, especially since before I had a prescription for it I often suffered from sleep disturbances like insomnia.

Insomnia is fun when you’re manic (because it just keeps getting you higher and higher, which is also bad!), but brutal as all hell when you’re depressed. You start thinking about all kinds of shit that happens, or makes you feel suicidal, and it totally compounds the depression into this complex black mass of pain.

On another note, my mum and I have been rereading the Harry Potter series ever since we went to Scotland (one of the b&b’s had the first book in their library, which started it all, plus that’s where the books were written), and so I spent part of the night finishing The Goblet of Fire. I’d forgotten Rita Skeeter was an Animagus. Very fun and gripping reading, and Voldemort chills me more and more with each reading! What a fun series!

My film got a good review in NOW Toronto, so I am hoping a bunch of sexy single vampire loving lesbians will come out to see it! You never know!

It’s getting on to the time I spread my wings and fly to Toronto, I leave on Wednesday and I have only Tuesday to get my travel grant. I know for a fact it is coming, but when? It would be nice to be able to use my own money to go, if I had any. I did already use all my money to buy that ticket.

I’ve officially started to smoke again, it’s really been about a week or so I’ve been smoking. I do want to quit again, I think I might have better luck if I stay on the patches for the ten weeks or whatever recommended. Which means I’m going to use up my Indian Affairs one time payment for patches, they cover a course of withdrawal for ONCE in your life! And those patches are expensive man! So I have to go to my lovely Dr. Saffy to get a prescription for Nicoderm.

Co-op Living is working out well, I’ve finally joined a committee, the Maintainence committee. I can’t even spell it. Oh well. It’s very exciting being part of a co-op because you get to help your community and housing run efficiently. Plus once I get a job with pay stubs I can have a lowered rent. $460 would be okay a month, right now I’m paying $551 a month, which is still a really good deal for the gorgeous apartment I have. which is currently messy.

I learned early on that I do better living alone because I am so messy. I got tired of the inevitable roommate squabble over who didn’t clean what. And plus it was always way more stable when I lived alone, no other drama’s interferring with my own. Being bipolar sets one up for many dramas, and just cutting down on them by avoiding another person in my living situation relieves some of the stress.

I don’t know how it would be to actually live with a lover, as I have never done so thus far in my life. My only girlfriend where it got serious enough to possibly consider it lived in Toronto, and I was in Vancouver, so it was just never going to happen. And when I did mention moving there to be with her, she dumped me. AW! Sad! I had a broken heart for a year. Or more.

If someone wanted to move in with me now they would have to pay an $800 share capital before moving in. Well, actually you can pay it fifty bucks a month on top of your rent, but I paid mine all at once because when you have a grant such things are possible.

But it’s a good excuse to keep people from moving in! I don’t imagine I would be willing to leave this place anytime soon, no matter how many sexy single vampire loving lesbians invited me to move in with them.