I think I should just be honest about this. Although most mentally ill people ARE peaceful and non-violent, we all know what it’s like to be out of control. Maybe that’s why the murder in Manitoba scares me, not because I could kill anyone, but just that some people really do flip out that hardcore. Not often though. There’s a reason every one is shocked by this crime, because it’s out of the ordinary, even among persons living with altered states such as me. My god, at my craziest I usually can’t even kill a bug or eat meat, never mind assaulting someone. I have done bad things while crazy, which is why it can ruin your life, bleh, but eventually I was hospitalized.

It seems like the murderer just fell through the cracks in the mental health system. It was mentioned he was in a psych facility for four days, but four days is nothing, not even long enough to get stabilized on meds. Did he have follow up care? Or was he just unmedicated and floating around in a delusion?

It’s a sad situation all around. One person’s dead and the other person wants to be dead. And people are clamouring for the death penalty to come back. Now that is insane. This is CANADA! Plus I don’t think it would look good on the international stage to start executions of mentally ill persons, no matter how heinous the crime. I don’t think any executions are justifiable.

It really affected people. When I heard details about it I felt physically ill. I won’t go into them here, you can google it on your own. But it was quite gruesome.

I think one of the things that has bothered me is how many people are also asking for people to be locked away in institutions like in the old days. Ugh, do you know how crappy it is to live in an institution? And besides that, with the new drugs a great number of people can live normal lives in the rest of society, where we belong! I don’t want to be segregated because of my illness when for the most part I am fine. That’d suck.

It’s a touchy topic. Obviously something failed. A simple carry on baggage check could have prevented it. Or police could have been called when some people noticed him acting weirdly the night before. But really all this are what if’s, clearly what has happened happened.

It’s the reason though, at least that’s what people are thinking. Tim McLean is dead because his neighbor was crazy. It’s a scary and simplistic explanation of what happened and is enough to satisfy people’s questions. But I have questions, like did the murderer have a violent past, I mean clearly he had some strange intentions for a huge “Rambo” knife. Whatever happened, it’s this dark side of humanity that pops up and shocks the hell out of us sometimes.

In eight days I’m off to Scotland. Pretty exciting!!! I hope my mom is better by then, she’s been warding off a nasty infection with some antibiotics. Everything’s ready, I have to buy some videotapes, but that’s about it. My passport arrived safe and sound, and I have to say, I look like some kind of thug from a native terrorist group. It’s embarrassing. About as embarrassing as my first ECIAD id that made my head look like a peanut.

Well what can you do but sniff some glue?

I looked so young and beautiful in my first passport photo. Damn! WHAT HAPPENED!? About 10 years I reckon.

I went to the Fringe here but Didn’t go to the plays, which kinda sucked because that’s the whole point. I think my mom and I are going to try and see something at the Fringe in Edinburgh. That’s the plan anyway.

Or just go where there are buskers. That’s fun too. Once I saw Juicy Danger do a show at English Bay, and I’d gone all by myself just to see the ocean. It was nice.

When I think about it, I used to do a lot of stuff alone. I liked it. It was fun being a young woman on my own in public. You’d be surprised how people react to it sometimes. Traveling on my own is fun too. I’d like to do more things alone, like go out to a movie or something. Guy Maddin’s My Winnipeg is showing at the Broadway in Sept. I’m thinking it would be nice to go alone.

I’m trying to think of a way to carve out a decent living for myself in between projects. A friend suggested temp work until I get enough experience to stay in some office type job. That would be nice. I like doing office support staff work. It has enough mild variety and occasional office intrigue to keep me going. Some workplaces turn into soap operas, it’s kind of crazy. Like me.

I’m still trying to think of something to say about the Tim McLean murder and the media around it especially, but the news changes everyday. I was happy to hear that hundreds turned out to keep that Westboro Baptist Church from protesting. And that some were turned away at the border. I just hope that in the future when that bizarrely homophobic congregation come back to Canada to protest something that the same degree of sentiment towards keeping them out will apply. OMG! They had better NOT protest my funeral! In fact, I’m surprised they do get to protest places like soldier’s funerals. I mean the Winnipeg police said they’d arrest anyone who disrupts the funeral, but in the States it seems to be groups of bikers who keep them away from funerals.

Ah well. Bikers do nice things.

What else? A PERSON I know took a research drug and had a bad trip for THREE days! Oh man, that’s a harsh lesson to learn. No way would I do a drug nobody knows anything about. All my prescriptions are some well tested drugs. I think. No one really knows the LONG term outcome of these meds, like what they will do to me in old age. They can guess, but only based on older medications effects. Maybe I will turn into a turnip, damn!

Summer is coming to a close, and I have to find a job doing something I enjoy I hope. I’m open to all kinds of jobs really. Well, no. I don’t know. I’m hoping to find something I can stick with though.

I’m also really wanting to be with someone again. I’m not sure who, I would have to meet someone I guess. Saskatoon isn’t very big. I’d be open to a long distance thing I guess, although they can be really unsatisfying. Hmm. I keep getting these depressing ads on Facebook that say “Thirty and Still Single?” And then go to guys personal ads. Well That does not help me at all, and it just makes me feel and probably look desperate. Really desperate, considering I am a lesbian.

The truth is that I’m at the mercy of fate on this. I mean, I really don’t know who I will meet or what kind of woman I’ll fall in love with again. I’m in that terrible limbo between lovers when you don’t know when you’ll meet someone again. Ugh!

But really I’ve also been trying to think of an appropriate response to the recent stabbing and beheading on the Greyhound in Manitoba. I’m think of writing something along the lines of mental health and how the system fails people in need of help. BUT THEN there are also all kinds of other issues at hand, like it’s impact on strengthening the stigma towards persons with mental health issues.

Anyway, I have not much else noteworthy to say today. I’m kinda flat. I’m thirty and still single, it’s not terribly exciting.

Being single and sexual is a strange thing. Not being cut out for casual romping, I’ve had to create a semi interesting masturbatory life. Although I fear that it has become ROUTINE!

Sexual satisfaction on a routine basis sounds fine, until you think about all the interesting things I could have done to myself to spice it up. I am a deviant by nature, so things like hot wax, needles, tying myself up, I mean, there really are TONS of things I could be doing besides routine handjobs.

And I wonder to myself, how can it get so routine? I’ll buy vibrators to spice it up a bit, but even that can become routine and rote. So I am putting out a challenge to myself and other fellow masturbators to incorporate more variety into masturbation!

Here are a few suggestions.

Buy a bondage book and some rope and experiment with different forms of bondage.

Use an object that seems appealing in some way.

Try it with nipple clamps on!

Experiment with sensations from different things like feathers and candle wax.

More suggestions? Add them in my comments!

I just think it’s a shame that something as fun as masturbation ends up being edged out of our lives into neat little slots of convenience. Maybe I should have dates with myself. LOL. Really though, I don’t understand people who diss masturbation. It’s an excellent stress reliever. And I’ve recently heard that it’s good for women who want to have orgasms easier with a partner or alone.

It’s a funny topic, people don’t really want to talk about masturbation because it’s kind of seen as second rate sex. And because it’s naughty. I’ve often wondered about people who DON’T do it, that seems a little more suspect to me.

Acid Reflux! ? I know, weird hey? I went to my doctor and she thinks I’ve been having trouble eating because of acid reflux. So I’m on some new meds. And So my weight loss is from not eating as much.

Damn, I really wish I could go to mom’s and eat, but I have to go somewhere else. Oh well. I will figure it out later.

I’m bored right now. I guess that’s not the best state to write in. OH! We saw a weird light out by Dakota Dunes / Cranberry Flats! It hovered in one spot kind of high up in the sky, and it would turn on and off and sometimes get really bright. At one point I thought I could see a red light on it. And my friend saw a yellow light. It went lower and higher but it mostly stayed in that one spot. It creeped us out, even watching it from a fully lit parking lot was a little creepy. And when we first saw it we were right out at Cranberry Flats standing outside the car smoking. Chills! UFO thrills!

I shouldn’t have said that I wanted to see something. Still, it wasn’t as freaky as those two lights we saw that one October. In 2006, what a strange time.

I have one very queer side effect, lactation. Sometimes small amounts of milk get secreted and I’ll end up with a wet t-shirt. Not DRENCHED, my god! Just little spots. How embarrassing. I started lactating on the trip we took one day. I think it was because I was not wearing a bra. What a weird freakin’ side effect!

The other unfortunate side effect is occasional incontinence. Terrible! And it’s related to my meds, apparently.

My quality of life is fine though, aside from those two things. Oh yeah, AND I lost a bunch of weight and now we’re worried it’s diabetes. crap. Crap crap crap. I will find out soon!

Scotland is going to be so much fun!!!! Ahhhh! Scotland! My homeland! One of them anyway. I’m pretty excited about going, and so is Mum. I’m so glad she’s coming with me! We will get to spend quality time together on an adventure! I also hear the girls there are good looking. But it was a fellow Scots telling me that, so who knows. I am paying a bazillion dollars for my beloved animals to go to a kennel. I wish I could pay someone to look after them, but it seems no one can do it. So to the kennel they go. My cousin Shannon didn’t help matters when she said “That’s like jail for dogs.”

Mister will probably hate it! Oh man! Schrodinger will think of it as a new adventure.

Anyway, I’m lactating as I type.

It’s not so bad, at least it’s not gushes and gushes. Men can start lactating on the meds I’m on too. Weird eh? I didn’t know men could do it either.

Fact: Women can ejaculate and men can lactate.

You know, it really shows how similar the “two sexes” are.

Well that’s enough about men.

What elsez? I’m feeling creative and therefore sexy! I wish I had someone to romp with. Someone cute and femme and around my age! Someone with a job! Someone who likes to take me out places. Someone who will buy me piercings and tattoos!

Well that’s enough for a personal ad.

Scotland is coming up really really soon! 25 days! I got my passport application in today, whew! It will arrive no later than one week before we leave. I was assured anyway. Maybe 2 weeks. People are getting them pretty quick.

It’s good to have as well, in case one of my new tapes takes me to a festival overseas. That would be nice.

So I’m pretty excited to go to Scotland, I have no idea what I will discover. Will it feel like home, is what I really want to know. It will be an adventure, to be sure.

Yes, I’m Scots and Cree, which technically makes me Metis. And yet I continue to identify as a halfbreed, or biracial. I guess I feel like I wasn’t raised with specifically metis culture, so I don’t feel comfortable with the label.

Our family is very Cree. Especially with the Cree humour.

So soon!

I’m still looking for someone to look after my pup and kitty, after my arrangement with my grandparents fell through. So if any of my local friends ever read this, and you would like to housesit two cats and a small weiner dog let me know.

I’m feeling rather optimistic about life these days. I hope its not mania! LOL.

Being bipolar is intense, but manageable. To think that some pills make everything better. I wouldn’t go off meds again, not with the repercussions of the last time I went off meds still resonating in my broken heart. No! I’ve made a renewed commitment to my own stability. I don’t want to have to go back to the hospital, although I have heard of breakthrough episodes. Bleh to them! I think it’s just a bizarre illness to have. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have it, but then sometimes I think it’s inspired me in certain ways. Whatever it is, it’s something I have to work with for the rest of my life.

I’m also losing weight really fast. My pants are all baggy, and I just bought them a few months ago. This could be good but rapid weight loss is also a sign of diabetes, so I have to go into my doctor and get tested for it. Crap! Plus I have to get a note explaining my medication for Scottish Customs.

I like the weight loss in and of it self. I’ve been wanting to lose about 20 pounds. If not more. My meds really made me get bigger. I grew out of a righteous leather jacket! Sadness!

So I went camping, listened to music, and did some drugs. It was a crazy wild time at Ness, but I did end up getting enough sleep and lucky for me no bears attacked the tent. The place was lousy with bears. We saw two of them meters away from our tent, the first looked like an adolescent bear and ate Janelle’s vegan food, even the cous cous. We tried to scare it away but I was terrified and we just slowly backed away from it. It stood on it’s hind legs and sniffed us! We fled for the stage. The next day we spotted another bear near our campsite, roughly in the same spot as the last one but much bigger. We yelled and banged trees with sticks and it ran away. Yesterday just before we went to bed there was yet another bear at the community kitchen, but we didn’t see it, and we heard gun shots and found out they shot a bear. so the rumour went.

The music was nice, and the campground was really nice, we had a firepit. On the last night of Ness on Saturday some guy had a bad trip and started running around screaming “I am me! I am Me! Allah!” then he jumped on some girls tents and collapsed one.

Oh yes, and someone my cuz knows did have their tent slashed open by a bear! AND it dragged her blankets out into the rain and peed on them!

The funny thing is that I wasn’t having nearly as much fun as I thought I would. One night I was worried about my cousin, and then I was also seriously considering just ditching drugs altogether for my future. I’m not liking them as much as I used to. I mean hard drugs, like e. And I feel like drugs are getting boring. for me. Maybe because I’m 30, maybe the party lifestyle is slowly going away. Not that I ever was a HARDCORE partier. Maybe I was. I dunno. All I know is that certain things are becoming either more important or less, kind of like shedding a skin. Certain habits of mine are slowly wearing away just because I am tired of them.

And the truth is I only ever do E with people way younger than me, funny since when I used to do E years ago it was with 30 year olds.

Anyway, enough about drug use. It was just a theme of the whole Ness Experience and not necessarily the best thing to do when camping around wild bears.

I really do need to develop older friends. I’m starting to really notice a difference between my priorities now compared to when I was twenty. Of course when I was twenty I was hanging around older friends. Hmm. I dunno, I just need to develop more interests and get working on my career more. I have had a great year career wise so far, especially the grant and selling to the National Gallery of Canada.

Oh yeah, and Storytellers is happening this fall and I might get to go to Vancouver when they shoot!

On the home front, not much has changed. My kit kat clock is finally working properly.

Oh yes, I remember why I didn’t like Ness so much . . . CAMPING! I was so dirty and smelly and greasy! I hated feeling like that, I felt like I was mentally ill and homeless, which really if you think hard about it, I WAS!!! I paid 70 bucks to be mentally ill and homeless! A tent is not a home, especially not with the leak we got. I did have my meds though and I was taking them. But I’m still mentally ill. My weird disease, who knows why it is there.

At least there were marshmallows.

I’m going to be the subject of an APTN television crew shooting Storytellers In Motion. and they might fly me out to Vancouver to shoot part of it. It would be so cool to get back to Vancouver for a visit. It’s been two years since I’ve been there! So long! My friends will be old and wrinkly by the time I get to see them again, or so it seemed. I’m excited to see them, I don’t know how many friends I’ll be able to see. Maybe I will buy a new hat and bunnyhug.

Is what I got in a porn spam today. How elegant, I thought. A sugar sitting on a playthinge and evolving on it. What does sugar evolve into I wonder? Candy. For sure. All different kinds.

But who or what is the playthinge?

I am trying to resolve to write in this more. Going crazy and writing silly things kind of put me off blogging for a while. But I’m enjoying it again I think. 2007 sucked all around for mental health.

2008 has been pretty good.

I pick up my meds tomorrow. I missed last night’s meds because I have only one dose left, so I went to bed fine but woke up early. Tonight I’ll be appropriately medicated again and then I’ll have my bubble packs again. I’ve been doing the bubble packaging ever since getting out of the hospital, since I’m now on quite the cocktail of meds.

100mg of Seroquel
6mg of Risperdone
750mg of Epival
20mg of Celexa

It really works, especially since I have some pretty bad manias and pretty severe depressions. None of that for several months now. It’s been pretty even, I just get grumpy now and then if I forget my meds. It’s good being stable.

I didn’t party at all last night, if you are wondering. I just came home and goofed around on the internet before going to bed. There was some big rave last night but I didn’t go, I think my raving days are over.

Getting older is so funny, only a few months ago I was still in my twenties. Now I’m thirty and still waiting for the right woman. Sigh. I feel old compared to the people I’ve been hanging out with, who are in their early twenties. I need some older friends. Or rather, I need to spend more time with them, since I do have bunches of friends my age.

You know but you acting like you don’t know!

I’m still getting carded though. Even with this huge fuckin dragon tattoo on my forearm people still wonder if I’m underage. Not to mention all my other tattoos.

I found this old footage I shot on Mini DV that I want to do something with, but I don’t know what yet. It’s really beautiful.

My mom and I are getting along a lot better. Although she was doing this immense job of ripping up all this grass so she could put her pool in, and I had to help! I hate physical labour. Like digging trenches, noooooo! Don’t make me! Now I have dirty fingernails.

I’m resolving to do no more drugs beyond pot. I think I’ve been pretty lucky with my recreational drug use, of which I have written here, but it’s time to retire undefeated. I’m 30, I had my crazy twenties, it was a good time, but it’s over. I’m evn thinking of quitting drinking. I don’t do it a whole lot, and I don’t see the point to it either. Besides that, I want to keep being stable and I know pot hasn’t been bad to me in the past. Speedy drugs though, like e, not good.

I’m trying to be better to myself, it’s been challenging. I’m trying to schedule in more me time. It’s been good so far.

I think I am going to go see Wanted tonight, just because Angelina Jolie is in it and she’s my current celebrity crushola.
Be sure to remember the playthinge!