Do you remember the Nothing in the Neverending Story? That was so scary. I feel like that sometimes when I’m depressed, like there’s a great big NOTHING gobbling up all the joy.

I’m relatively happy today. I had a good time with my mom at her house after she helped me clean and pack. Then it was nice and warm and sunny and I spent time with the dogs on my mum’s porch. And I read about the pregnant man, which was interesting, I know someone with the same situation though. And I’ve heard of other transmen being pregnant, I wonder why this one hit the mainstream media.

It was a beautiful day. I think when all my moving is done I should help mom clean her porch so we can eat out there. I have four weed seeds sitting on my desk. I wonder if mom saw them.

Last summer, a marijuana plant grew uninvited in her back garden. One day she said to me “What, is THIS!?” and waved around a small smelly green weed. Well, it really was weed. And how it got there nobody knows. Although it probably fell out when someone was rolling a joint.

Pot has been around forever. So have tattoos.

So I took the bus all the way to my mom’s house only to find she locked me out! So no making phone calls. I should have just brought those numbers home with me, to be perfectly sensible. But I’m NOT sensible!

So then I took the bus home. And now I’ve smoked a joint and am thinking about cleaning. Thinking, mind you. The cleaning part probably wouldn’t be so much work if I would just get to it instead of wasting time thinking about doing it and what needs to be done. Blah to cleaning!

So I won’t think about it, I will write here instead.

I’m listening to Bjork’s Hyperballad. It’s so sweet. Reminds me of being a teenager.

A confused horny teenager.

I kind of miss how horny I used to be. But maybe that was really my manic side. Oh man! I can recall mildly manic episodes in high school, but I guess I just thought it was hormones. Either way, being manic can bring on the hornies. Look at Britney Spears, when she couldn’t find Adnan, she took home some other paparazzi! She’s in bed with the paparazzi, that’s like, the lowest you can go! All because of manic hornies.

I feel ridiculously LEVEL. Just totally even. I haven’t felt like this in maybe ever. I guess the medication really does work.

I had this friend in high school who used to constantly tell me “It’s not LOGICAL!” I just spent ten minutes reading the definition of an non sequitur and my head is spinning. Logic is funny. It’s like, just be sensible man! But I am NOT sensible.

Are UFO’s logical? I kind of think so. Space is so big and people somewhere probably came up with a way of traversing the universe. We’ve only had a space program for a relatively few years in the grand scheme of things. Plus I’ve seen them, with my naked eyeballs! Not more than a mile away!

I can’t remember what we argued about when she told me to be more logical. That was so long ago, I only remember the admonition.

I wish mania was more logical. I mean, it’s all based in signs and symbols and synchronicities. it doesn’t make any sense at all, and it just jumps around from thing to thing.

Blah to Mania!

It seems I am selling work to the National Gallery in Ottawa. Pretty cool! I hope if they screen a bunch of it I get to go out there, I could hang with my friend Ariel. I don’t really know anyone else who lives in Ottawa. I know people who go there a lot.

Today I accidentally stood up a friend by forgetting to meet her. I was so confused. I ought to start writing these things down. Is it the medication or the bipolar? Who knows?

I drank three beers tonight. That’s like, my limit. and I’ve been invited out again. i should stay in. I don’t know. I ran into a cute person again today, which was kind of nice because we actually met this time. If I go out again, she still might be traversing that way. But I feel sleepy, and it’s nearly 11 o’clock.

Had a nerdy conversation about the differences in using HD in regards to the file size on computers.

Being a prairie girl, I found the idea of trains terribly romantic. I used to watch them with my cousins on the sound barrier behind our grandparent’s place. Once my cousin Luke jumped on one and held on for a few feet. Only now do I realize he could have had a terrible accident, but I remember it so clearly. It was a crazy boy thing to do.

They make a great noise. I used to like listening to them in the distance in the house I was a small child in. It was so haunting, a sound that seemed to belong only to the night.

I was 21 when I first rode a train, in Germany going overnight to Paris. The reality of riding a train kicked in, the damn thing kept stopping the whole time, jarring me out of my sleep. Plus it was freezing in the car, we didn’t find the heater until the next morning. Ugh!

I don’t know why I wanted to talk about trains. They just fascinate me. Once an ex was going to go train hopping for a vacation, I was so shocked. She shocked me a lot.

I have spare Risperdal coming out of my ears. I don’t know what to do about it. There were two weeks when I could find any and thus didn’t take any (bad me), but I did find them eventually. But anyway, now I have boxes of the stuff I don’t need. I don’t know what to do with it. I should probably take it back to the pharmacy, but how embarrassing.

My tattoo is healing nicely. I’m down in Regina today visiting my cousin Deanna. She’s got a really nice apartment.

I don’t feel like such a victim of the psychiatric establishment anymore. My last psych trip was quite nice really, except I hated sharing a room, oh man. You can’t masturbate! Some people can masturbate in the shower, but I need more time than that. It’s such a chore sometimes really.

Today I am off to see the Warhol exhibit at the art gallery. Then maybe to WOT to get a weird t-shirt or something.

Except there is no phone here. Oh man! That sucks! I’ll have to walk somewhere and call a cab. Poop.

Well, I had better be off!

My arm is currently really really sore, but I just smoked a joint so maybe that will take the soreness away. I went in and got most of the work done on my dragon tattoo. Now we’re just working on the colouring, which looks really cool. But holy hell, the line work on it was so onerous. Just scale after scale oozing blood. I managed 3 and a half hours before I gave up. I was like, wincing the last five minutes or so. It’s so fucking intense. Being tattooed. Then we had to do touch ups on two other tattoos. Oh man, it hurt! I felt like a baby.

Oh man, but when I came home I laughed so hard because the front guy for Nickelback sucked himself off in exchange for a case of beer when he was 14. What a gooney reason! I hope it tasted decent. The beer I mean.

Last night I ordered a pizza and 2 litres of Pepsi and they sent it in this big fountain drink containers. How useless is that?

What do you call an Indian without lips? Pointless.

OMG, someone on Skype, back when I was having those troubles, asked me if I was a “red Indian.” I’m actually more like a taupe colour, or light pink. Not red or brown even.

It’s a really nice piece of art. It’s got stripes like a snake, a corn snake. The dragon I mean. Not Skype, or even the frontmans penis.

I will take a photo of it when the bandage comes off tomorrow.

I used to really admire people with tats because it was such a commitment. This is the most visible tattoo I have, well, the one on my neck is pretty visible too. When I was growing up I never imagined I’d get as into body mods as I am. I think body mods are sexy, unbelievably so, because it’s all about owning your own body.

I’m finally getting used to my newest piercing, my labret. I’ve played with the damn thing all the time, and it’s still healing normally.

Striptease for me baby . . .

I guess even though I’ve decided not to transition, I acknowledge I have a boy side to myself. It’s kind of obvious, but I never really consider it much of a bother. It used to really bother me in high school, growing up butch in high school is hell. Bleh! But then again, isn’t everyone kind of awkward in their bodies at that age? I was so confused, I wanted to fuck super femmey girls, but I didn’t particularly want to look like them. No one really explained butch femme to me at that age, it would have helped to know more about the erotic dynamic I eventually ended up with.

I’m in the process of cleaning my apartment. I decided first I would do the dishes. This was a larger task than I had originally anticipated. Currently some particularly foosty dishes are soaking in the sink, although I did get quite a few clean before having to give up.

I’m also trying to bleach some KoolAid stains from the counter.

I’ve let my apartment get WAY past it’s happy point. It’s a great mess.
Now it’s much later and I am listening to my coveted HK119 cd. I’ve already downloaded it to my iPod. AND I got a new Morcheeba album. I’m trying to make a point of buying music, for the sake of musicians everywhere. I download top 40 songs though. Is that a sin? Probably. I should be whipped.

none of my friends are around right now for me to bother. I’m still waiting to hear my friend Robin tell me of her adventures in Vancouver. She’s been posting great pictures in her facebook of her trip, including a hilarious photo of an egg/sausage/hashbrowns breakfast sitting next to a full on plate of sushi!

Oh yes, that reminds me, the Saga of the Keyboard. Well it went to pay for my tattoo and some beginner now has it, and is playing his heart out I hope. I sold it for 220. Not bad, but still a financial loss for me. I bought it for like, $280. And it’s been barely played with. Anyway, the silly thing is gone. I hate manic spending sprees. At least a tattoo is going to be forever. I’m excited about my new tattoo. It’s a dragon the colour of a corn snake. I got it to remember a bunch of people who have passed on, so basically it’s a memorial to all my dead friends and relations. Sort of weird I guess, but it makes sense to me the way my brain connects them all. Plus I wanted something colourful and big to go with my flames. So a dragon fits.

Oh man, I haven’t checked my dishes. I just got stood up to go out to Lydias! can you believe the nerve! LOL, I wasn’t feeling up to going out, I am going under the gun tomorrow. Getting a tattoo is like a ritual almost. I like how it works. It will be an interesting afternoon. And then no hottubbing for me for a while. Boo hoo! No HOT TUBS! Sad me.

oh man, my computer is doing things of a stupid nature. I just made my first iPod playlist so I can listen to all 62 songs I’m listening to most frequently these days.

My computer lost about half it’s library back when I departitioned my hard drive. Oh man, don’t ever partition a Mac hard drive, it’s just a stupid pain in the neck. And then I have this other hard drive that has 200GB on it, so I’m hoping that’s enough to make this whole video on.

Oh oh oh! I can put my film back on my camera! I’m going to go test my camera’s interface with my computer, I will report back later.

I think at about now I’ve given up on seeing America get with the 21st Century. I mean, here it is years after my first episode, I’ve moved cities four times since then, and America is still at war with Iraq. And it’s not even with the army anymore, now it’s just this generalized chaos! How can you possibly put that into any sort of order while you’re doing terrible things with guns?

War torn regions have always bothered me. It’s not good for the health of humanity, to keep fighting itself. I wonder if we had a totally external enemy, like aliens, if we’d be more cohesive. Sometimes I think humans always need an enemy.

In scriptwriting it’s much the same, there’s nearly always an antagonist. I know a few films without one, but it’s hard to remember them. In Children Of Men nearly everyone else was an antagonist. Ugh! That would be a shitty world to live in.

You have to admit though, there hasn’t been another terrorist attack in the States. Remember when they were all running around screaming “Code Orange!” Oh noes! That silly terrorist alert code. And nothing would happen, but something COULD!

I used to be really fascinated by the CIA and MOSSAD and all those spy agencies. Once I bought a book about the CIA by Phillip Agee, but I got bored halfway through.

My apartment is a mess! And I really really do have to clean.

But I digress. And America’s got a committment to be in Iraq for years! They have no exit strategy.

OMG. I saw a show once of this guy asking Americans basic questions, and when asked who won the Viet Nam War this woman said “Us.” I was so shocked.

I am waiting on a friend to show up. Last night I went to this party at my friend Laurel’s place. We played Taboo and this woman said “Thing that Thirza and Laurel saw at Cranberry Flats!” And of course I immediately said “UFO!”

I’ll maintain to my dying day that I saw two UFO’s out there that night.

I’m listening to American Doll Posse. I really like Roosterspur Bridge. And on the album cover she’s holding a chicken.

Anyway, I don’t ever see an end to this silly war. It’s served no purpose except to totally fuck up a society. I wonder if strife would continue if the Americans left, or if another dictator would turn up, or what. I mean it’s got a big question mark for the future. America has a big questionmark for the future. Like what abut gay marriage there? How come they are so far behind?

You know, I don’t even know which countries besides Canada have legalized same sex marriage.

Oh, Belgium, the Netherlands, South Africa, and Spain. Spain! That’s how you know where the sexy people are. I’m surprised it’s not legal in France though. I’d have thought it was a more permissive society.

Not that I need anyone’s permission to get married! Hmph!

I’d have thought it’d be legal in England too. Oh well. Canada is a nice place to live, although I think it’s foolish in the extreme for us to be in Afghanistan.

Tonight I am sitting at home with no weed, which might be a good thing. Breaks are always healthy.

I was supposed to hang out with another friend, but I called him too late so he was already busy. I did spend some time with Laurel, at her place playing Taboo with her friends. That’s a hard game!