Last night I saw DJ Deko-ze, who used to spin at PPM. It was fun. We chatted about this youth group we used to be in years and years ago. He’s still the same happy guy.

Then my friend and I came back and hung out at my place. I actually like hanging out in my apartment more. Too bad I’m moving.

Hawksley Workman tonight was fun, but I had to wait ages before he played Jealous of Your Cigarette and Striptease. He opened with We Will Still Need a Song, which was pretty rad.

And basically in between the two events I slept. I have been sleeping more lately, I think it’s still me getting over the E. Crazy man! No shit am I not doing that again for a long time.

I also hung out with my friend Danielle from high school. We went to this crazy battle of the bands where someone sang something Danielle swore was Obey The Mustard. I felt very old.

30 is such a weird feeling. And I’m not even 30 yet. Maybe it will feel totally different than I think it does. I still feel pretty immature in a certain way, I’m not sure if I am. I feel like I should have an RRSP or something. Or be married. And instead I’m running away from men on Skype and wondering why I can’t talk to The Cute Blonde Girl I keep seeing around.

At least the psychic told me I would settle down with someone. But how long I have to wait, I don’t know. I’d be miserable if she said there wasn’t anyone. But who?

Tis a mystery, and I am sleepy, and that is my report on the last two days. No one was shot at Lydias or at the Broadway Theatre, so that’s always good.

So I own an HDV video camera from Sony now. It’s really sexy! It’s small, smaller than I thought it would be. It has that wonderful feeling of POTENTIAL. It’s got a Carl Zeiss lens and XLR inputs, and even nightshot, and the best part is when you go into the menu it’s all a touch screen. And it makes beeps when you’re selecting things. I don’t know if the beeps is necessaily good. It’s cute though.

Nghtshot! Now I can make Yvette Fielding-esque ghost hunt videos!

Anyway, now I can start filming my project. I don’t know what to film. Or video, I mean, there is a difference. Video’s different in a nice way. Film is so super involved. I mean, you have to process the film and do all this stuff to it. Sometimes it’s just a pain in the ass.

Ha ha, Thirza on film “Sometimes it’s just a pain in the ass.”

My friend Robin and I were talking on Facebook when suddenly she sent me the most cryptic message that just said (Code 18). I mean, what the hell does that mean? Code 18. It’s a great way to end a conversation though, to just write back (code 18) and nothing else.

Oh man, I had a wicked e hangover for a day, then it was life as usual. I remember why I only do it extremely occasionally, it really sucks a lot out of you. Bleh. Bleh to that.

So anyway, tonight I am going to Lydia’s. I’m a bit nervous because the last time I went to Lydia’s, there was a shooting outside. I wasn’t there when it happened, but someone got shot in the arm. And he’s not saying anything, so it’s kind of scary. Someone else told me someone heard gunshots outside of Buds, like in the alley. Broadway’s getting to be a scary neighborhood!

Actually bad things have always been happening around broadway. One guy was killed after being hit on the head with a baseball bat. And I’m sure something else bad happened around there.

Broadway used to be the neighborhood I hung out in when I was a kid. My best friend Laurel and I would meet at the halfway point between our houses, the OK Economy. Which is now Extra Foods. Like Pinders is now Shoppers. She used to invite me to go with her when she did the laundry. It sounds boring, and it kind of was, but she entertained me enough to last through her crazy huge laundry tasks. Then the Wash and Slosh opened and we were finally old enough to have beer while doing her crazy laundry tasks.

Is the Wash and Slosh even around anymore? Methinks not. It’s a great concept though, getting drunk while doing laundry. It’s multitasking really, isn’t it?

Laurel is the one I saw the UFO’s with.

Tonight DJ Deko-ze is playing at Lydia’s. He used to spin at PPM, where I went when I was . . . younger. It should be good times! I hope. I’m kind of hoping to meet people there, but I don’t want to arrive at an ungodly nerdly time either. It’s tough work this trying to get out and meet people thing.

Tomorrow night I am off to see Hawksley Workman at the Broadway Theatre. My friend Danielle is going as well, it might be the first time I’ve seen her in months!

The quitting smoking is still a work in progress, by the way, as I have cheated.

Both of us left for the west coast as soon as school was finished basically. God, I would never live through that first year of living on my own again! That was so complicated.

I called my mum and asked her why she didn’t go see the UFO’s with Laurel and I (they were in the sky for a good three hours), she said it was because she didn’t believe us!

Nicotine is a terrible addiction, so cruel! Oh lord.

See, it’s a semi romantic idea of the smoking writer. Or director. But now it’s just not in fashion anyway. Bleh!

I have my video camera and nothing to video. It’s kind of anticlimactic.

I had a brief weekend where I wasn’t sure I’d get into co-op housing, but it’s fine and I went down to pay my share capital of $800 this afternoon. I’m pretty happy about that. Finally I will get to live with my pets. It’s really hard to find housing that allows pets, I’ve noticed.

It’s a one bedroom too, which is good because right now I’m living in a bachelor, a pretty big bachelor, but a bachelor all the same. Now I get a living room!

Someone got shot in the arm at Lydia’s on a night I was there. My friend and I had left by the time someone got shot, but still it was scary. We did meet someone who seemed really sketchy there, he was all drunk and trying to talk to us. I don’t know why, personally I think he was a little homophobic.

I finally got my HK119 album! I’m really happy about it. And my new camera came into the Sony store today, so tomorrow I will go down to pick it up.

New camera!!!!

Today I got a new vibrator, and a smacky leather paddle, and some new lube called Slippery Kitty. I haven’t bought sex toy stuff in ages, not since my last dildo anyway. I went to Positive Passions in Saskatoon.

They really need more dildos. The really interesting stuff is in a tiny room the size of my Moms closet. It’s not like some other places. It’s nice, just very very small.

But maybe I am spoiled by having shopped at places like Good Vibrations in San Francisco, Womyn’s Ware in Vancouver, and Come As You Are in Toronto.

Everyone needs more dildos.

My favorite rat, Nikolas, ate my dildo once. He chewed the entire head off it. It was so sad, because when I found it I was really needing it and suddenly it was useless, dead, no more dildo for me. It was my first dildo too. And it was like, the perfect size, I’ve missed it ever since.

My favorite dildo company is Vixen Creations, a woman owned and operated place that turns out these really great super durable silicone dildos that have like, lifetime warranties on them. Now they have a new product I haven’t tried out yet called Vixskin, which has lubricant mixed in with the silicone somehow so it’s really elastic-y and rubbery and skin-like. So I’m curious. I don’t know.

I am waiting for my new HK119 album to come. I had to order it from the UK. Finally, after years of complaining about how I wanted one, it’s coming! HK119!

Here’s a random HK119 Video.

So anyway, I got a rabbit pearl vibe. It’s this crazy thing that has a rotating penis head, spinning pearls to stimulate your gspot, and a vibrating rabbit for your clit, with vibrating rubber ears. It’s wild because it’s just so involved. I mean, what a complex tool. who thought of all that? It really REALLY does work though.

I haven’t written about my sister for a long time, so I may as well tell you about today and hanging out with Sky. First we picked her up at her group home, then we got chocolate bunnies and she got a free chocolate egg, which she ate immediately and then kept sticking her tongue out at us. All the way on the car ride home she was talking her Sky speech, mostly gibberish with the occasional Gammy (Grandma), Mommy, and you know, she didn’t say my name at all today. She does call me by something that closely resembles Thirza.

Then we went home and she and I played with mom’s new treadmill. She quickly discovered the emergency shut down mechanism. Finally she decided the best course of action would be to sit on the treadmill, so I turned it on and she was trying to get off but her butt just kept going, it was pretty funny, we laughed.

Then she wanted hugs, lots and lots of hugs, so I was hugging her and she kept taking off my hat. She likes tactile things, so a lot of cuddles and so on are what she likes. She also likes when we also make weird noises with her, which we do.

Finally it was supper, I got her to feed the dogs from her plate, she was pretty much finished and had a mess of leftovers on it, and she was pretty into feeding the dogs. She also cuddled Mister, and he was really good, he didn’t cry or fight or anything, even though she was hanging onto his paws and everything.

She ate her entire chocolate bunny and then, because the rest of us just ate the ears off the bunnies, started trying to get another bunny. She started hugging me but sneaked her arm in behind my back and grabbed my bunny, but mom got it. Later we sat on the couch and snuggled some more while she played with my watch and made her occasional noises and grunts and so on. Then she decided it would be fun to make me slap myself.

Tonight for the first time I actually helped Sky in the bathroom. But it turned out to be a tease, she didn’t need to pee and so I was saved from wiping her bum.

Anyway, now Mum’s trying to get her to take her antibiotic. We put it in an orange pop ice cream float, but I don’t know if she’s taken it.

I love my sister, there’s no one else like her in the world.

Oh, she sneaked up behind me calling Sircy, which is what she calls me. So I guess she did say my name today after all.

So as promised this is me with my new hair. Yes, it did not turn out blue but rather an aqua green. I also got a piercing, but you can’t see it in this photo because it was before I got it done.

I’m going to church tomorrow, but I’m not particularly Christian. I thought I was Buddhist, but I really only like Buddhism in a philosophical sense. I’m actually really religionless. I used to have hopes when I was a teen that I would find a good religion. I tried Wicca, briefly, that was kind of interesting, but I don’t think I understood the whole principles behind it. At this point in my life, I believe in a deity or multiple deities, but I don’t follow any particular religion. I’ve looked up Judaism, I’ve looked into Islam, but neither of those interested me.

I kind of don’t think there IS a religion I feel particularly embraced by. At this point I’m making it up as I go along. Gnostic Christianity fascinates me. But I can find beauty in nearly every religion. I find sex to be intensely spiritual, but that’s hard to parlay into a religion.

I really do think sex is sacred. At this point in my life I’ve been with enough people to see that it is a sacred act, which is why one night stands are so terrible. I mean the sex is terrible! There’s a certain spark that just isn’t there in those occassions.

I’ve sworn off one night stands.

Anyway, there’s my semi-Easter sermon on faith. Which is really, I have some, but nothing in particular, and I’m sure a lot of people are with me on that one. I think there should be an anarchist religion that just embraces a higher power, without having to do anything.

I’ve signed up for a series of meditation workshops with the amazing medium Barb Powell. It’s 15 bucks a session, which is pretty decent, and we get tapes and homework. Meditation is good, whether you are spiritual or not, and I think especially for bipolar people. It’s a great stabilizing force. I far prefer meditation over prayer, it opens the creative portals and helps one grasp esoteric concepts of spirituality. Anyway, I’m going on Monday, so I will report on how it goes.

E is probably my favorite drug, and I haven’t used it in about, like, eight or nine years. I haven’t done it that often, it takes too much out of me, but last night I did it and it was fun.

I didn’t get SUPER ripped like I got in Vancouver, but it was still a nice chatty happy touchy feely high. Most pleasurable. I haven’t slept at all, but I feel fine. I thought I would have crashed by now, but no, so I’m just going to try and stay up all day and go to bed tonight like normal. I hate getting my circadian rhythm out of wack.

I suppose you’ll be wondering now, what about the bipolar!!!! Well, don’t worry, I’m feeling fine and I’m sure one night of fun isn’t going to send me into a manic episode. I do take my drugs faithfully. I mean, psych drugs. The only annoying side effect from the e is that I’ve been grinding my teeth, but aside from a sore jaw that’s not going to adversely impact my health.

E is the only chemical drug I’ll do, because I have prior experience with it and have seen lots of friends safely do it, plus it’s not addictive for me. It may be for others. Meth is something I will never touch again, at least not on it’s own, there’s some people who say meth is in e. But straight on meth, NO WAY. I did it when I was too young and stupid to know better, and lucky for me, my best friend bailed out on ever doing meth again and then because she wasn’t doing it, I never did it again. I can see why it has such appeal though. It’s like a mini manic episode.

Deanna has the dreaded post psychosis blahs. I just reread all my blog and am amazed at how far I have come. Some of the earlier posts were still crazy, but believe it or not that was after I was judged sane enough to leave. Not sane, but sane enough, go fix this at home now.

Anyway, it’s been a long recovery process, but it was safe for me, and good, and I’m glad I took all that time to heal.

Anyway, this January marked the third year I’ve been living back in Saskatoon. It was kind of a culture shock moving back here, to be honest, and then it was hard making friends. I’m amazed at how hard it is to make friends in this town.

But I’ve been thinking about all the things that have happened since I moved back here, and you know what, it’s all good. I’m now closer with my cousins, in particular that sweet D. Mae. I got to kiss my true love a bunch of times. I’ve had employment, not the job I moved here for, but enough to get by. Now I have a grant. I have a dog and cat. And I think in many ways moving back here has really let me grow up. I’m way more independent than I ever was, I have a good set of ethics and try to make things right, I’ve finally got a real psychiatrist listening to my complaints and tweaking the cocktail that keeps me level and happy, I’ve got a good mental health nurse. And maybe most important is that my whole family lives in Saskatoon, and it’s been really good to come back as an adult and have them in my life this way. I mean, I was never able to see my sister Sky while I lived in Vancouver, and now I see her once a week. And she can’t talk on the phone because she’s mentally handicapped. So I’m happy to be closer to my sister maybe the most.

And something which I also really like about Saskatoon is this sense of community I have here, all my friends know each other in some way or another, and the queers really are integrated into regular life, at least from what I’ve noticed. It’s a close knit community, whereas Vancouver often made me feel small, and if someone left my life I wouldn’t ever just run into them on the street or anything. People disappeared. Here I’m feeling loved and supported, and that is good.

So wanting to leave Saskatoon has gone away. I love Saskatoon, it’s my original hometown and there’s just something sweet about the place. Plus the river is gorgeous. It’s nice to live someplace I know inside and out like the back of my hand.

I think the reason I wanted to leave Saskatoon was because I was having a hard time meeting people and making friends. I don’t want a huge lot of friends, I think you really only need a handfull of close close friends. And my best friend from Victoria just moved back this last week, so that’s one more friend for me. Anyway, I do have friends now, some just the ones I see around, some I’ve spent considerable time with. My best friend these days I would have to say is Deanna Mae. Robin’s my best friend but she lives far away, ditto Margaret, ditto Stef, so I think Deanna gets to hold the best friend title because she lives closer and talks to me most. And I’ve really liked coming back here and getting to know her, and I’m glad I’ll be able to hold her hand when she’s dealing with bipolar issues.

I didn’t realize this e trip would leave me so verbose.

I’m happy that finally at the age of thirty I am living exactly where I want to live doing exactly what I want to do. Maybe my thirties will bring some stability into my life. Or maybe I will bring stability into my thirties.

I’m not thirty yet, I’m jumping the gun. My birthday’s April 26th. We’re having a small party with my friends with hottubbing and barbecue. Maybe we’ll go to Diva’s after.

I’m finding as I get older and older I value good conversation more and more. It’s really hard to find you know! Maybe THAT’S really why I miss my ex, she gave GOOD conversation.

I hung out with my gay friend Mike today. Mike and I met at work and then quit within a week of each other, but we still hang out, and I’m glad because he is a lot of fun. Tonight I went to his place with some beer, we ended up going to Diva’s and dropping E and dancing, and then went back to his house and watched Youtube and exchanged stories of how we each lost our virginity. He came out when he was really really young too, and so did I.

I came out when I was fourteen. I figured out I was a lesbian the night I hugged a female friend with breasts and was in awe of the feeling of breast against breast.

I waited until grade 10 or 11 to come out at school, but a lot of people knew really. I wasn’t hiding really, or I was kinda but then something in me just broke and I’d be the dykiest person you could see in that school. Being butch is something you can’t hide.

Strangely enough, it took me a long time to be able to apply the word Butch to myself and feel good about it. I tried to be femme and ended up looking like a drag queen. So eventually I accepted my butch self, and I started shopping in the mens section.

I don’t like strapping on a dick. Some butches do, but I’m a writhing bottom. I like to get fucked. And there are a lot of butches that like getting fucked and a lot of happy femmes who like strapping it on and showing their big butch girlfriend some lovin.

I got to see boys kissing tonight because we were at the gay bar. There aren’t many places in town where boys can safely kiss. I think it’s easier for girls because straight men like that lesbian thing.

Tonight Mike and I talked about pussy eating and cock sucking. I think giving oral is way more fun than getting it. I don’t know why. Some people don’t like giving head, so I hear. I think next to fisting, eating a pussy is a good way to spend some free time.

I love having gay friends. We went on facebook and I showed him all the cute gay men I knew to find out his taste. He picked the hottie, Pat Mills. Pat Mills is one sexy fag. I’d do him. God, I hope he doesn’t read this blog and get offended.

I’ve often wanted to find Pat a husband, because he’s such a great guy and an amazing catch. Whatever man lands him, and I’m curious to find out who, is going to be so lucky. Plus Pat makes great films. He and I met in first year at Emily Carr.

First year at Emily Carr is kind of like an arty high school. They load you up on drawing and art history and installation and just about every kind of art practice there is, and then you have to go for interviews to get into your program. I nearly missed being in the film department, but I put up a fight and made them put me in. I mean, that was the only reason I wanted to go to Art School. So I could study film. That was the only reason Pat Mills was at Emily Carr too. But he said fuck it to their interviews and got accepted into Ryerson. And he’s doing quite well now.

Anyway, he was always so adorable, he’s the perfect gay husband. And someday I would like to matchmake my gay friends and see a serious relationship bloom, just so I could feel like some lesbian super hero.

My new gay friend Mike is also really cute and quite the catch. I have excellent taste in gay men. I’ve never had a shallow or mean gay friend. Not like some of the bitches at the bar. Always lovely gay men who tell me their crazy sex adventures.

I love how gay men approach the idea of sex, I mean, they really do have this sense of frivolity around it, and they can have so much sex! I know that’s a bit of a stereotype, but man, sex sex sex. They have bathhouses, I’m so jealous.

I actually have really high standards for who I have sex with now. I used to just go out and get it, and not particularly care where it came from. Then I turned 24 and I got a crush on my friend Robin. She’s probably reading this and laughing. We’re friends, obviously it didn’t go anywhere, but the more I found out about her the more I loved her, and then, I don’t know, it reached a turning point and now we’re just really good friends, with no sexual tension coming from either of us. I like that. But it made me realize how much I wanted to really feel intensely for someone before I had sex.

Then my last dates were with the girl I lost my virginity to, the one I mourned over in the earlier passages of this blog. I knew when she and I started hanging out that I was attracted to her still, and then one day when she dropped me off I kissed her, out of the blue. And she kissed me back, and it was magical.

We never had what you could call sex, but we did have one heavy make out session and many many french kisses. And while it was working (before I had my psychosis and she dumped me) I was thinking, you know what, this pace is perfect. I can get to know her without the pressure of sex but still with that sweet tinkling that there could be sex, and it was good. I mean, we really had a good time together, it was fun. The conversations were amazing, and that is what I miss the most about her.

At this point I know it’s highly dubious we’ll ever be lovers again, but I would still like to be her friend. She’s leery of this, and I’m sure she has good reason. I wasn’t the easiest person to know when I was manic. But there really was this nice spark of genuine beginnings of bestfriendship. And that is rare to find, about as rare as finding a good lover. So anyway, on E I usually come to a peace about something in my life, and I think I found peace around her. I can’t make her be my friend. I can’t convince her it’s a good idea. But I did have some nice times with her, and I think well, at least I got to have her in my life again, even if it was only for a short time. She is truly one of the beautiful people, in an all rounded sense. Inside as well as out. She thinks she’s mean, well, maybe to other people, but she was always really nice to me, even when she dumped me because I went crazy.

She didn’t dump me because I’m crazy, she knew about that the whole time. It’s just, I was acting out REALLY inappropriately. How embarrassing. She says she’s forgiven me for that at least, small mercies, but no dice on restarting a friendship. And she really was my best friend for a while. I just loved her and told her everything. I’d never had someone I felt romantic about be such a best friend. And that was hard to let go of when I lost it. I’ve always wanted a lover who was also my best friend in the world. I think that’s how it should be with all couples. And I never felt like she was manipulating me or playing games with me, although she could have been, who knows. I don’t think she did though, she was always really straight up honest with me. Now she thinks she’s bad for me and always has been, I don’t know how to tell her she’s my favorite female in the whole world. And I’ve successfully become best friends with two of my exes, and I’m friends with another one casually in a facebook way. But the two best friends who were my lovers were TERRIBLE! We had such a crappy relationship, the both of them and I! We just did not click as lovers, although the sex was great. But you know, even though they’re my exes, I don’t think of them in anyway as potential partners again. We’re great best friends, but we just can’t add sex to it.

And who knows, maybe that’s the same with my recent ex. Maybe we make terrible lovers but great best friends. I’m really curious to find out. No, we made pretty good lovers. But that’s my opinion. I just keep thinking, here is this amazing person I just love to bits and wouldn’t it be cool if we could hang out like friends.

And wouldn’t it be cool if we could be best friends who sucked eachother’s cocks! LOL. No, I have never seen her with a strap on. But now that’s in my head. And me trying to be friendly and not lechey, oh man what a poor job I’m doing of it.

Anyway, this E trip was very gentle, but fun, and I liked coming to a peace about my ex. It’s okay to love her this much, it’s just too bad she doesn’t want it. We could have been a cute couple. But whatever, I love someone who is not in my life anymore. That’s okay. I’ll always love her I’m sure, I’ve loved her since high school. And definitely in terms of exs she’s on the top of my list. I have no complaints about her character, she was always upstanding in all her dealings with me. And that’s a good note to end a relationship on. I never went through a period of hating her or anything after she dumped me, although I was very very very very sad but too caught up in the hospital and manic psychosis to articulate it properly. It was a festering sadness, which is now gone. And even if some friends have griped about her for dumping me when I was crazy, I wouldn’t change a hair about her, and I wouldn’t listen to anyone tell me something about her character I knew not to be true.

The last time I talked to her on the phone she hung up on me right away. I was calling from the psych ward. I don’t blame her.

And thus ends my tale of cocksucking boys and pussy eating girls. With the simplest advice straight from me to you.

Never EVER EVER call your recent ex lover from the looney bin. It’ll just made them glad they dumped you before it all went to hell.

Princess Auto was closed when I finally got out there to buy a powered usb hub for my computer. I need it to properly use my new webvideocamera. It works with mom’s computer so I was trying it out there and got on Skype for the first time, only to discover one thing.

Don’t select female on your profile page.

No kidding, I had to shut the damn thing down twice because I kept getting chats from guys who just wanted sex. One guy was really bossy and demanding a photo. Fuck off! I don’t send out photos to people I don’t know just on the off chance I might want to see an erect penis on a fuzzy webcam.

And I didn’t want to see any penises, but they just kept sending chats! Stop it! And then they would get annoyed if I chatted with someone else. And I only got this camera and Skype so I could talk to my friends out east. So far my experiences with Skype have been sad. Too many annoying people.

That’s the funny thing about new technology, people will always apply it to sex somehow. I don’t know why that is. And men will always be rude and uncooth online. I think Emily Post needs to write a book on online manners. Because some people, god! Like all this spam I’ve been getting for hot milf action. I don’t want to sleep with someone just because they have kids.

I think the most uncooth thing is dumping someone via email. It’s so passionless, which is maybe the point. I’ve been dumped twice by email. I’ve never been dumped by text messaging though. That’s something to look forward to.

I once dumped someone on the machine and I got into such trouble because her roommates heard it before she did. Ooops! Never again, and I’d apply that to email too.

Of course getting dumped in public isn’t good either. Maybe the best way to dump someone is on the phone. Then whoever’s getting dumped can have a little cry and then stick their face in the fridge.

Today is Good Friday. We went on a Stations of the Cross walk but left Jesus on his plight to eventually stand in the shivering cold outside the closed library to wait for mum to pick us up. We only made it to two stations.

And they’ll know we are absconding by our walk, by our walk.

My dachshund lamp arrived today. It’s bigger than Mister and it glows greeny. It’s very cute. It’s for nursery’s actually, and it was my 29th birthday present, much belated. Mum has my 30th present picked out, so she says.

Then we went to Mulberry’s for lunch and listened to Gramma and Grampa bicker in the car all the way home.

Deanna Mae is coming to town today, so I’m happy about that. Say hello to my little cousin!