I think this is my favorite PJ Harvey song, I was listening to this CD along the time I went manic, and it reminds me of my desperate desire to throw out a lifesaver to my flailingly crashing in flames romance.

I’ve come to an uneasy truce with my psych meds. By now I know for sure I need them, and five years after my diagnosis of bipolar I have finally been prescribed a med cocktail that works so well I can’t even do mushrooms. I can’t do mushrooms because the drugs are so powerful that I don’t feel any effects at all so I don’t trip. Pot DOES still work though, and for that I am grateful. Because I like pot.

But I’m pretty happy with my med regime now. I take morning and bedtime pills, and it has made me ridiculously stable. I find it really hard to cry though, I shouldn’t say that, now something will happen that will make me cry.

I don’t like the drugs, but they do like me, and they work. So I guess in a grumpy kind of way I feel an affection for them. They’ve pulled me out of yet another psychosis and have kept me stable as heck. I’m not even having sleep problems, like I used to have quite badly. I hate sleep problems.

Tomorrow I go back into work. Twice I’ve been asked on the phones if I’m a robot or tape recorder. We have numerical id’s we sign into the program with, and a friend suggested we answer by saying “Yes, I’m A37.” Doing survey work is not too hard, it’s kind of monotonous but I do take pride in trying to be as polite as possible to the people on the phones. Even if they’re nasty to me I generally say “Thanks for your time.” I only had one really nasty guy once, and he told me twice to go fuck myself. I should have said “I did last night, thanks for reminding me, I’ll attend to that when I get home.

I’m tired of fucking myself. No I’m not. Masturbation is the best release for tension. Did you know there’s a condition called Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome where people masturbate all the time and there’s no release? Oh man that would suck. And I don’t think I could handle having soggy panties all the time.

When I was really crazy, the only musician who made any sense was Nina Hagen, who I almost met once when my online friend’s mother was hanging out with her in Vancouver. My friend Maureen Bradley met her and interviewed her, lucky duck.

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately that I’m back at Emily Carr in the film department, which no longer exists, now it’s the Integrated Media Department. I miss the film department. I have good memories of spending my hours in the editing suites. Editing was my favorite part of being in film school, and I had hoped to make a career out of it, but so far that hasn’t happened. It’s okay though, what I really want to be is a full time director, and this year I really get to be one.

Being crazy at Emily Carr was barely noticiable, except for the day I came in drugged up on sleeping pills and my ex, Velveeta, said I looked all loggy. Velveeta’s hilarious. I promised I would buy her some fake balls for her bicycle, and I did but I haven’t gotten it together to put them in the mail. At first she thought I meant real balls, and I was going to send her a jar of pickled testicles. I don’t know where she got that idea from.

She was the one who would sign up for twice the allotted time by going in as Maya Deren, sneaky fucker!

I’m looking forward to travelling this year, it’s very exciting.

Sometimes I really think enlightenment happens during psychosis. There’s about a week when suddenly synchronicities start happening, and you notice a pattern to chaos. But then when you try to voice the pattern, all hell breaks loose because I think Chaos doesn’t like people to notice it has a pattern. And then sometimes I think there is real power going on during insanity. One time when I was in the ward a woman who was very psychotic told me I pissed off a tree. This would sound like nonesense unless you knew I nailed something to a tree while I was crazy. And I hadn’t told anybody that. So maybe she wasn’t so crazy. But then she started saying “There’s cracks in God!” Which could be true.

I’m doing okay, and that’s a good thing. Life is working out for me right now.

I’m really coming out of my depression now, and it’s nice. I’ve got one week left of work then I get to be a full time artist for the rest of 2008! I’m so stoked. I’m going to be getting a new Camera, and that’s exciting too. Right now I’m planning on getting the 24p HDV from Sony, with XLR inputs and everything! My first real camera. I hope to make tons of videos with it.

On the lady front not much is happening. I did make a tremendous discovery that lesbians tend to hang out at Lydia’s on Wednesdays and sometimes Tuesdays, and I was cruising a cute blonde there last week. I think I’m finally ready to be in a relationship, so I’m enjoying cruising the cuties. I really want something serious to happen finally.

In a month I’m turning 30. This is a huge step for me, because when I was a teenager I was sure I would commit suicide before turning 30. My 20’s were okay, but learning to live with a disability like manic depression kicked the shit out of some of my fun.

I’m seriously considering Burning Man this year, but I’m not sure I’ll have the cash to go. I really really want to though, because I’ve never been.

I’m getting some new piercings soon. I’m going to pierce my lip and get my hood repierced. I’m excited about that. I always liked my hood piercing, it was a very pleasureable part of my life, except for when it would twist itself in my pants and leave me screaming to the bathroom.

I’ve realized I have to renew my committment to blogging. I haven’t been a very good blogger this year, mostly because I was in recovery for much of 2007. God, except for one sexy thing that happened, 2007 was a bad year for me. Manic episodes pretty much write off a year of your life. Bleh!

My cousin had a manic episode this past month and ended up in the hospital. She’s doing loads better though, and I’m proud of her for accepting her diagnosis and working on it. It’s hard to accept being bipolar because it automatically means your life is kinda up in the air all the time.

As for me, the meds are working even better than before my episode. My psychiatrist is great, my psych nurse is great, and I feel like my old self again. I feel like I can have ambition again, and that is sexy.

I’ve always been very ambitious, even as a child. Now I have a fully written screenplay under my belt and am working on a half hour documentary. I’ve been talking to people about my new project and it’s given me some great ideas. I’m thinking of applying to the NFB for funds to travel to Asia and see where the Crees come from. Grampa thinks we did migrate over the Bering Strait because there is a myth about a man following two women over the ice. So I’m going to get him to tell me that story on camera.

I still miss my last girlfriend, she was pretty special. I don’t know what else to say. A manic episode stepped into the way of what was a very sexy special relationship. When I went manic I bought her an engagement ring, we took it back (they were very nice) and got all my money back, then because I was still manic I took that money and bought a keyboard, which is currently laying beside me unplayed, I am selling it off. I should have bought a guitar. Actually I should have paid my rent, but tell that to a manic person.

It was a nice ring too, it had three diamonds and was white gold. It was awesome. I wish I had a diamond ring, but I’d only want one if I was married. And I want to be married. I’m a marrying kind of girl. I can’t even imagine being with someone if there wasn’t marriage in the cards. Apparently bipolar people tend to marry other bipolar people, but that sounds like double the trouble!

When I first decided to get a dog, it was because rats died too soon. They only have a three year lifespan, and I was pretty tired of having a broken heart because another rat died. So after much consideration, I decided I was getting a weiner dog. They were funny looking, small, and semi butchy, so I thought it was a good fit. I don’t know why I think weiner dogs are butch. They’re not frou frou generally anyway.

Then I started doing research on psychiatric service dogs. They were amazing! I wanted one.

So I got Mister from a breeder up in Prince Albert. She bred shorthairs mostly, but because of a recessive gene Mister cropped up, all long haired and gooney looking. No, I mean, he is handsome, but on his bad hair days he does resemble a mop.

We had trouble with him right from the start. At a maximum number of people in the house he goes and hides under the couch. He’s always been shy, like me. He’s kind of standoffish until you get to know him. And he’s only REALLY obediant if you have some kind of treat in your hand.

But he is very cute.

I haven’t lived in the same house with him since I moved out of Mom’s the Third Time.
I don’t think he’ll ever be a psychiatric service dog, but an emotional support animal, possibly. He’s pretty entertaining. I’ve never met such a comical dog. He’s also very loyal, which is nice. He’s nearly always at my side when we’re together. Or behind my back, like right now.

Mister Mop. He gets shaved in the summer and that’s when he looks really smart.

I’ll never regret getting him. But I’ll be glad if we can get into co-op housing so I can live with my animals again. I’ve missed having animal energy around my living space.

I don’t know if I already mentioned this, but I’ll be going to Scotland as part of my grant. I’ve had a look in a few guidebooks and tonight I purchased Lonely Planet’s Scotland. So I am planning what to do for the two weeks I’ll be there. At some point I have to get to Wick, a small town of 7000 far up North. We have relatives way up there, I don’t know what else there is up there besides the ruins of a castle. I’ve never seen a castle before.

My mom is coming with me, if she can scrounge up enough money to come. I think it would be fun to visit Scotland with her. And for a first time trip abroad it would be good for her because they speak English. With a heavy accent, but she’s watched BBC.

I’m excited about visiting the homes of my ancestors and I’m more than a little curious if I’ll feel a sense of homecoming.

Tonight I went to my interview for Co-Op Housing, I think it went really well. I pay $800 up front which gets refunded when I move out, I can have a dog and a cat, as long as the dog is little and Mister definitely fits the bill. I have to volunteer three hours a month and attend the general meetings and the spring/fall clean up day and BBQ. The suites look nice too. So hopefully soon I will find out how I did and if I get in sooner or later.

One of the funny things about iPods is sometimes you get weird little synchronicities with the shuffle function. The other day I was listening to Peaches “Stick it to the Pimp”, when what should the next song be?

You guessed it, “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp.”

I really need to make a decision about blogging. If I’m going to keep blogging I should at least put in the effort. I’ve been blogging for over a decade now, and it’s been part of my life since roughly about the same time I got the internet.

My first blogs were all personal diary entry type things, mostly about girls. Girls I liked. And how rotten they were. Ha ha, just kidding.

My last girlfriend ended up getting over a hundred senseless emails from me. I feel so bad about that! Oh man, I hate Crazy Time, it’s very destructive. I even forgot my password to Fit of Pique, which is why I don’t write there anymore. I forget half the crazy shit I did. Which is embarrassing.

Illness is often embarrassing, but manic psychosis makes for much more than one major faux pas.

I hate psychosis, everything is way too fast. Especially the Mistakes.

I’m much more laid back than that.

I am making a shopping list of things I most need, like a filing cabinet.

I used to have the best filing cabinet. It was legal sized and had two drawers. Mom absconded with it during one of my moves across the country as payment for something. She also kept my t.v. stand, which is also glorious in it’s own swinging glass door way.

I also need a new leather jacket. I went to Boutiques of Leather to look at them and some of them were atrocious. Way too many zippers! I have developed an awareness of the aesthetic limits of zippers.

My last leather coat was amazing and I want another just like it. Because I’m set in my ways like that. Anyway, next I will be going to the Leather Ranch. I don’t know why I’m writing about shopping.

How embarrassing.

The iPod was a worthy purchase. So far I’ve got ten gigs of songs on it, and there’s still like, 70 gigs left.

Gigs. And bits and bytes.

I was thinking about putting some video on it.

I wish my life was a little more exciting. Tonight I have my Rainbow Co-op Housing interview, so I hope that goes well.

I’ve given my two weeks notice at work. I’m also going to be working part time. I’m excited about that, so it won’t be SO intense. Last night I was over at my mum’s and she misspoke the word Imam as Iman, it was pretty funny. We were watching a preview for the next Little Mosque on the Prairies.

Iman is kind of intimidating. She looks like she could give you a spanking and like it. She was on Project Runway Canada and her catch phrase was “You just don’t measure up.”

But Iman is not an Imam.

I’m starting to get my sense of humour about being crazy back. I’ve been sharing psychosis stories with friends of mine. I’ve heard all kinds of funny things and told them all kinds of wacky ideas I had.

The funniest was when I was convinced I worked in the secret service and that if I ordered Kentucky Fried Chicken it would be a hit on David Suzuki because dear lord, he does look so much like Colonel Sanders.

So I’ve been trying to figure out what I will do when this grant shows up at my doorstep. I think I’m getting a membership to the Y. And I’m going to take Yoga classes. I need to do something. Something healthy. My psych nurse says it’s a good idea for me to do exercise, especially with bipolar. I keep hearing that but I’ve never really done anything about it.

I really should try and do more things according to the bipolar rules of living. I barely drink anymore, and I do get to bed roughly around the same time every night. I’m getting better.

Tonight I have an interview for Rainbow Co-op Housing. They have one bedroom units for people with disabilities, so my mom talked me into applying a while back. Anyway, they did a bunch of stuff and now I’m having an interview because a unit is becoming available. My name is second down, so it all depends on how I do I guess. I can’t imagine it will be that bad.

If I get in I finally get to live with Mister and Schrodinger, which is the whole reason why I applied in the first place. I miss living with my little cat and dog.

Last spring someone was throwing birdhouses around the neighborhood. I don’t know why. But I found two and brought them in and then wove a huge conspiracy around them because I am crazy.

But anyway, I think we should put one up in the country. I sanded it down and revarnished it and everything, because I was crazy!

Maybe I wasn’t the only crazy person in the neighborhood.

It’s amazing the small details you can notice about life when you are crazy. And the other thing I find facinating about mania is how often it involves God and the Divine. I mean, why does it tend to always go there? Bizarre. I never cared about going to church until my first episode. Then suddenly it made a weird kind of sense.

Now I’m Anglican only in the slightest passing way, I go to church on Christmas and Easter and that’s about it.

I’m open to other religions, but none besides Buddhism has had any kind of attraction for me. The only rough thing about Buddhism is that I think eventually you end up giving up meat, and I’m not sure I’m up for that. I love tacos too much.

It’s a Thursday morn and yesterday I got a big artist fee, so I bought myself a new iPod! I’m super stoked about it, as you may remember if you were an old reader of my blog that I used to have an iPod and it died about the same time I went crazy roughly. I tried to ressurect it and then gave up and had it recycled at Neural Net. Anyway, that iPod was a mini and had about 4 GB which I thought was plenty. But now my new one has 80GB, and that was the smaller one! You can get 160GB iPods now. Crazy! To give you a sense of how big that is, my computer’s original hard drive was 80 GB.

Plus this one has a full colour screen. My last one just had a grey and black LCD screen.

Anyway, I don’t usually get up this early, but my dog decided at an ungodly hour to lick my face over and over until I got up and let him go pee.

Today I go to work and put in my two week notice. TWO WEEKS LEFT OF WORK!

My direct deposit form is on it’s way to Canada Council so I can get my money, and that is exciting. I can’t wait!

This afternoon I have an appointment with my psych nurse, and I am paying my phone bill finally finally. I’ll have phone and internet at home again!!!

Aside from all that, well I was going to say nothing is going on but that’s not true. I’m hopefully going for coffee with someone from the psych ward, and that will be fun. She’s not there anymore though, I mean I met her in a psych ward and she was a really good friend in there, so I’m looking forward to it.

My life is going well, the meds I am on are working even better than before I got sick when I was on the other medication. I’m happy about that. I’ve been working full time in a call centre doing surveys on this, that, and the other confidential thing. I don’t mind it, as a job it’s quite nice and I’ve even made a friend at work who I’ve gone out with a couple times. Last night I watched the Oscars with my mom, I was happy to see Diablo Cody win for best original screenplay. Juno was a really good movie, and it was her first screenplay!

Right now I am helping mom with her posters for her classes.

Oh HEY! I just now got my grant results from the Canada Council! $33 000 to make a short documentary researching my homelands! I am so super excited! I get to buy an Ipod and a Leather jacket!!!!!!!!!

Life is tickety boo man! Now I can quit my job! I will go back to it once my grant has dried up, but that won’t be for months and months.

One of my cousins had her first manic episode recently, she’s getting out of the hospital this week. She was on my mind almost solidly for about a month. I realized a few things from it.

#1, Manic episodes are nothing to be ashamed of.
#2, Sometimes people do very funny/cute things while manic.
#3, They tend to have a similar theme (ie, finding God in everyday small things).

So yes, Life is good, and I’m glad I’ve hung on through my difficult recovery to get to here, because . . .

NOW I GET A NEW IPOD! And that makes life better and better and better and . . .