I haven’t blogged in a while, so I thought I should. Sometimes, bein a writer, I feel this need to write something at least once in a while even if I feel down. Kind of like keeping a sick shark swimming so it doesn’t die. It’s been a long time anyway.

I’ve gotten stuck in a rut. I don’t know how to describe it. I think the psych ward kind of makes it’s own rut. Like they really do just try to keep crazy people fed and well slept, and that’s the most they can hope for and it’s the most you do to achieve. But the rest of life gets left out.

Plus I demolished some important relationships while I was crazy.

There’s this song by Outkast, Back of the Bus, that makes me think of mania. Like, uh oh, here it comes! Mania! Oh man, I hate it. Mania I mean, the song is great.

Anyway, right now I’m still kind of in recovery, and anyway I got stuck in this rut. I go over to my mom’s every day. But then I’ve always been like that. I used to visit Lynn and Stef a lot. But anyway, then I come home and smoke a joint and surf the net.

Maybe I’m depressed because I haven’t been writing. Mostly I’ve been thinking, about this new journey I’m on to become a man. Life’s weird.

Anyway, not much has changed in my life recently. I’ve been collecting EI and going around and around in a big circle through the city over to my mother’s house and back again, visiting my dog and cat, and mum of course. And she has television. I miss television. And she has a fridge. And anyway, that’s my rut. I do have some grants in to Canada Council and the Sask Arts Board. I’ll hear sometime next month if I get them. If I do I’ll be so relieved, then I’ll have something to do. Instead of this rut.

I’m not even mildly interested in anything. I’m totally stuck. And I’m not sure how to improve my life because I’m not sure what it is I’m missing. It’s like I’ve zoned out somewhere. I think being between writing projects is weird.

I feel kinda like a zombie. It’s gross. But I know I’m just missing something in my life.

Mania sucks ass. If you don’t believe me, ask any bipolar person. It’s embarrassing, like having a big mental shit all over the place. I’m so glad it is over.

I’m still looking for places to live. I saw one really nice apartment and put my name in, haven’t heard back yet. I hope I get it though, it’s just scuzzy enough to fit my tastes. I mean old, it’s in a really old building, which are the kinds of buildings I prefer.

What is it about an old building? I used to think I wouldn’t like them because of ghosts. But in truth, I’ve never had a ghost issue while I’ve lived in an old building. I did once have a poltergeist issue with a roommate of mine, she just always attracted that kind of energy. And I saw stuff move around while she was abouts, which was always kind of creepy. Not to disparage her, she’s pretty cool, but poltergeists, ai ai ai! Messy rude things.

Enough about ghosts, how am I?

Well, I’m still getting better in increments. I’m still excited and waiting to get on hormones. I’m not sure when it will happen, it seems to involve a lot of waiting time to see people, beyond when I’m finally officially stabilized in the eyes of my doctor. I think she’s waiting for me to be less depressed, which is slowly abating. In truth I don’t think I’m depressed so much as bored. Not working has been boring. Tomorrow I start at this psych rehab place for eight weeks, I think it’s a lot of group activities and so on, but I’ll be getting out with other people which is good. I have also started applying for jobs again, although my EI doesn’t run out for nine months. But I think I’d rather be out in the world than stuck at home on EI.

That’s from a Cranberries song line. I like it, because it’s so generalized. You’re ALWAYS putting me down. ALWAYS. Without fail.

Anyway, I am working on a grant right now to make a short film based on a short piece of prose I once wrote about vampires, it will probably only be a three minute film. Film! I’m going to shoot it on a bolex and edit on a steenbeck. It should be ridiculously fun to make. I haven’t touched celluloid in quite a while!

I just deleted my maniac blog, which made me feel really happy. I hate havin to delete blogs, but this is the second maniac blog I’ve deleted in my life. I sense a pattern. And that makes this, I guess, my post maniac blog, which is what Fit of Pique was for so long.

I’m kinda proud of fit of pique, and I kind of miss it, but I’m glad to be moving into a different territory. This one I’m assuming will be about trying to get Bunnyhug made, and making different shorts, and stuff like that. I’m working on a short and a longer project. The longer project is about coming out as trans and so on. I’m hoping it turns out well.

I have an apartment to look at tomorrow, which is exciting because I really really really want to move. It’s a studio apartment and I can have my cat there, which is also good. I’m waiting to live with my dog again for when I move into this rainbow co-op housing. I dunno what else to say in this blog. I’m still getting better by increments. I was kind of down this morning, but I’m quitting smoking, so that could be it. Because I’m always putting me down . . . Actually I got a budget done for one of my projects, so I am happy about that.

I found out that I am not getting that place in October or November, I guess the guys living there decided to stay. Unfortunately there is a housing crisis here in Saskatoon, which means things are a little lean on the home front. My mom’s going to be keeping my dog until I get into a housing co-op, which has a waiting list of about a year. I feel bad for having to leave my dog behind, but he’s pretty happy here, and I’ll visit him all the time.

I finally wrote my final report for Canada Council for my screenplay, now all I have to do is throw it in the mail. yay! That means I’ll be able to write my next grant, for XX Marks The Spot, a look at gender and the genome, and my homelands.

Aside from that I am just struggling with a mild depression. I am wondering if people can die from boredom. According to the sign at the bin, boredom is a choice. Who would choose it though?

Well I’m here in Banff for the Interactive Screen 0.7. Last night someone got accidentally hit in the head with a video projector. All I can say is dude, that totally sucks! I’d feel so guilty if I accidentally hit someone in the head with a large heavy object like that. The projector was okay but he still has a headache and some neck pain.

I’m working on my dangerous bird project, I’ve been having issues with it, but I think it finally makes some sense now. It’s not so complicated as I thought it would be. I want to go take some pictures out at Cranberry Flats when I get back to town.

I’m thinking I want to go see the St. Louis Ghost Train when I get back too. I don’t know when. But I went last summer and was disappointed, so I want to go again and see if it makes any sense this time. Anyway, yeah.

My transitioning is weird, I am supposed to wait for myself to stabilize, but I feel pretty stable right now. Hmm. Recovering from a manic episode sucks ass man. I’m glad the rough parts of it are over though.

Anyway, I think I might deek into the dining hall and eat early, so that’s where I’m headed now.

Stoned love . . . I’m supposed to quit pot, but I don’t wanna. I guess it’s my one weak spot in the armour, but I can’t help it. Everyone needs at least one vice in order to be a fully rounded member of society in my view. Unfortunately I also have the vice of smoking, which is an unruly, expensive, smelly habit, with little to no redeeming value. I had quit for a number of months until I ended up back in the bin.

I don’t know how to describe smoking and being in the bin. I think it’s really difficult to quit in that kind of situation, because it’s often the only socially acceptable behaviour that everyone can agree on. Plus at the bin I was in, it was the only excuse to leave the ward and go stand by the river in nearly idyllic surroundings. You would not believe the number of smokers in the bin.

But the nice part about smoking is that it was a chance to bond with fellow patients. Leaving the judgemental gaze of the nurses was nice, and people could swap tips on how to get out quicker.

I got released MOSTLY because I was ready to be released, but also partially because there was a looming strike vote among the social workers and pharmacists, and they needed people out as quick as possible. For a brief time, the only requirements for release was that you had somewhere to sleep. I remember one fellow patient telling me “I prayed to God so hard that they would strike!” They didn’t strike, but they did go from having 30 beds to having 10, and that was extreme. Luckily I was ready to leave.

Recovery from a manic episode takes a long damn time though. I keep feeling better with each week that passes, but it’s hard. I do notice a difference though, as time slowly ticks by I have more energy, slightly more optimism. I don’t know how to explain the humiliation that happens after each episode abates, but it’s crushing. Luckily for the most part I can forget it, except that I ruined an awfully lovely relationship of sorts with an awfully lovely person, and that it probably what still haunts me today. I don’t know how to get over that.

Don’t bogart that joint my friend . . .

it’s a nice calm Sunday morning. I’m drinking coffee and reading Facebook. I don’t know why I get addicted to these sites except that it’s nice reading about my friends. I’ve decided to apply for the directors lab at the Canadian Film Centre in Toronto. I think I need a chance to work on my directorial skills. Sometimes I’m not too sure about them, but I know if I got more training I would have it down pat. So far I’ve only directed my friends and myself, so a little more work on my skills would be good.

In less than a week I’ll be at Banff, working on a new project, Dangerous Bird. It’s kind of a funny ode to the war on terror, with a cryptozoology twist.

I’ve been seriously considering joining a local ghost hunting group, on the paranormal end of things. I’ve been wanting to join one for ages. All I know about ghost hunting I learned from Yvette Fielding! Seriously though, I’ve had way too many encounters with the unknown to dismiss ghosts. I think poltergeists are the scariest ones I’ve run into. They are so crabby. Anyway, it would also be a good chance for me to meet more people in this town, which is something I need to do. I’m glad to notice I’m steadily expanding my repetoire of friends here in Saskatoon. I really didn’t have too many before.

Transitioning to a guy is a funny process. So far it’s been getting people used to my new name, the pronouns are taking a while to come to people’s lips though. I’m doing good but I’ll be glad when the FTM group starts again. I need to have some support in this. I dunno. It’s good to have support groups for this kind of stuff. I’m excited about starting hormones although I don’t know when it will happen. Sometime in the next year I guess. It’s irritating having to wait, but I’m glad I’ll be stabilized when it starts. I have no idea how moody I’ll get. But that one shot I had didn’t make me feel like, ragey or moody or anything. In fact, I felt perfectly normal.

Maybe that’s how my transition will be. Just normal. I hope so. Testosterone: An Encounter With the Unknown.

I’m sitting in my mother’s basement scratching my brains for some new information to put here. Well, in a week and a bit I am heading off to Banff for Interactive Screen 0.7. I’m not entirely sure what to expect, except that it will be fun and I will get to work on a new project. There are a lot of panels and so on, so it should be exciting, I hope. There’s rumours that it’s the hot place to go in Canada for sex, but I dunno, my sex drive is pretty pitiful these days.

We just got through some record heatwaves and I really noticed how they affected my mood, I got all depressed and listless and felt hopeless. Some of that is due to my housing situation, and now a new situation in regards to my finances. I’m feeling pretty good but not good enough to work, and my illness benefits with E.I. are coming to an end. This means I have to get a letter from my doctor saying I’m ready to go back to work or I have to go on Social Assistance entirely until I move in October, HOPEFULLY. I say hopefully because the worst case scenario is that I can’t move until November. Everything seems so up in the air right now. And I’m still waiting for my doctor to decide I am stabilized enough to get on hormones. That could be a few months still.

Not to mention I am getting packer envy. I really want a Mr. Right packer, and that’s not going to happen for a while yet. I also really want a chest binder and that’s in the works for later on when I can find a talented seamstress who is up to the task. I asked my friend Megan but she was non-commital, which makes sense since she’s really busy these days. It will happen, I know.

And one more month until the FTM group gets going again. LIFE IS WEIRD> I’m missing having a proper working keyboard for my computer in case you were wondering. Sometimes it goes to all caps for no reason.

I’ve decided to apply to the CFC for the Director’s Program, which is about five months. I’m thinking I should do SOMETHING, and they want you to have a feature screenplay for it. The tuition is a fair chunk, but I think my band will cover it.

Things have been weird around here. My cousin got beat up by some random strangers, and it kind of freaked me out about the issues of random violence here in Saskatoon. It’s pretty funny too after living in the Downtown Eastside for a year or whatever. Big City random violence hasn’t happened to that many people I know. I got beat up once in Saskatoon, it scared the shit out of me. I mean, I just don’t understand people who hit.

Or yell. Yelling wigs me out. Especially at children.

In Indian families cousins are like sisters and brothers. And all my cousins are pretty cool, now that they are older. I feel particularly bad for my one cousin though who got beat up because he was trying to clean up his act.

I think I’ve reached a turning point in my life. Being in a care home has given me the chance to leave the house with as many different people as possible, so I’m actually getting a bit of a life. And the NMAI is putting up a Close Up on me on their website, which will be cool. And I’m going to Banff soon, which will be fun. I need to go be an artist and see what happens.

I just wrote the first two minutes of The Wetigo Hunter. I feel like maybe I sped things up a bit, faster than they should be. It’s hard writing the first two minutes, I want it to be perfect. It opens with a character called Erika, a vampire. It’s pretty hot. She has a transgendered lover she feeds on, pretty kinky stuff!

I like screenplay writing. This one I think I will write in my spare time while I do my documentary. If I can get my screenplay produced I will have access to Greenberg funding for screenplay writing. Mostly it’s also a good idea to have screenplays written for the next time people ask “What are you working on?” Especially when I get Bunnyhug produced. I like how Bunnyhug turned out, I’m really happy with it, and that’s a good thing. There were times when I was just pissed off at it, it wasn’t turning out the way I wanted, parts of it didn’t jive with other parts, etc etc. It was definitely a learning process.

Finding a producer is rough so far though. I feel like I don’t know any! Although my uncle is a producer. Bunnyhug could be, like, the landmark aboriginal comedy!! About survival through poverty and madness! You never know!