I was just thinking about that time I had sex a few months ago and started thinking about how I wanted them to leave so I could get oatmeal. Like I just suddenly felt done and wanted to do other things alone. It was so weird tho and I realize there’s something about casual sex that leaves me a bit bored. And I think maybe I am demisexual? But I can have casual sex and sometimes it’s fun. It’s just that I would probably not be thinking about oatmeal if I was with someone I was super in love with and lusting after. I can be attracted to people but also sometimes my attraction is really just “You don’t look bad anyway.” Like they’re decent enough and we’re both horny. I guess that’s a guy thing? BUT at the same time I think there have been people that I’ve been super into and not thinking about oatmeal at all. Like there’s a difference between “you don’t look bad” and “You’re the most dreamy person I’ve ever met!” and I know I can feel both of those things.

Maybe what I want is more sex that is better than oatmeal. Ha ha omg a real sad version of “your love is better than chocolate.” “Your sex is better than oatmeal.”

I mean the REALLY sad part of that is oatmeal is just gruel honestly. What a low bar for passion!!!

Now I wonder if I could rate sex by whether or not I would pass up eating certain foods to have it? Like there must be some kind of sex that is better than charcuterie and that impresses me because I love charcuterie.

BUT it’s not really about the sex, it’s about the emotions! How much romance and true love do you need to pass up a charcuterie plate?

OMG or a dungeness crab! With lots of butter. Who will I ever fall in love with who would possess me to abandon a good crab and oyster dinner to be with them?

Oysters.

Actually ok I’m just really hungry right now. But I have oatmeal! Which is not as amazing as oysters but apparently still beats a so-so hookup.

It’s been two weeks since top surgery! I have fluid in my left pec that might get reabsorbed or might have to be drained, I’m not sure. I am just keeping it all as healthy as possible. The irony is that the pec with the fluid in it looks so pink and healthy and normal compared to the other pec which is a bit bruisey still.

My nipple grafts are doing awesome though. More of the top layer has sloughed off and there seems to be healthy pink tissue underneath. So they took which is great. I have another week for them to do healing and then they are done the most intense parts. I mean I guess it’s like 6 months for them to fully heal, but at 21 days I will be closer to not needing to put Aquaphor on them anymore. I’m not gonna make any changes with my routine until I see the nurse again on the 15th for the four week follow up.

I’m hoping at the four week follow up I get the ok to stop using the binder, because it is chafing my skin. But I might also have to keep wearing it a bit longer because of the fluid build up in my pec. Ahh healing bodies!!!

I really want to be able to sleep on my side again. I’ve been trying to trick my body into thinking it’s sleeping on my side by sleeping more on one side of my ass and bringing a knee up to the side. But still with my chest up and my back on the wedge pillow. It seems to help. But damn, sleeping in a fetal position would be so nice. I’m really just relieved though that the wedge pillow and neck pillow have kept me from having nightmares, which is what I used to get sleeping on my back. I guess the angle helps. At the end of September I should be freed to sleep normally again. Or normal for me anyway.

I was thinking the other day about my auditory hallucination the last time I went manic in 2007. I heard this male voice say “the story goes that in the end you’ll be normal.” And I thought it was such a strange thing to say. Because I’m not really caring about what people consider normal, so I thought it was a funny thing for a ghost or a hallucination or whatever to say. But the further I go in my transition, the more “normal” I feel. Or like, my kind of normal. Normal is a terrible judgey word ha ha. I think I feel like I am embodying more of the person I really am though, so in a way normal is where I am headed.

Also unless I get meta years into the future, this is probably as far as my transition will go surgically. I’m not really interested in phalloplasty at this point in time. I guess I feel like my t dick is good enough as it is now. Like it gives me pleasure anyway and when I want to give my partners pleasure with something larger I have about 12 dildos I can use. So I don’t feel disadvantaged (although cishet women don’t seem to give me the time of day on Tinder so clearly they aren’t down for it, or at least I haven’t found one who is yet). And I like having sex with queer men and women and the ones I have been with are pretty fun and into queer sex so it works for us. I suppose I could get a stand-to-pee dildo if I wanted to pee standing up but that really only bothers me when the one stall in the men’s room has a guy having a long shit in it. BUT also my needs might change as I get further into my transition, so I don’t want to rule out anything.

My nipples don’t hurt when I touch them, but they do still have this weird nerve sensation that feels like my chest when I was healing from a tattoo. It kind of makes sense because the healing process is similar, with the sloughing of the top layer of scabs. I’m really just wanting the sensation to be normal again. I know people often have nerve sensations come up now and then after top surgery though for years. Like, those nerves are trying to come back to life and figure out where to go again, so it makes sense. And there’s a long numb part of my chest now, which is a little strange to touch. But overall it’s been a good experience.

I’m still taking a break from dating. Just until my chest is all healed up at the end of this month. I’m not too worried about it although I got all depressed last night for some reason. I think because I went on Grindr and couldn’t meet up with anyone and then felt sad about all the broken hearts I have had ha ha. Aw. BUT I am going to London UK next month and hopefully I can flirt with some people at the BFI London Film Festival. I am showing The Lost Art of the Future there. It’s my first video I made since my transition, and still has my boobs in it ha ha. There’s some straight guys who go on Grindr to find trans guys and I dunno, I don’t know if they are closet cases or just obnoxious straight guys. Either way I’m now balding and have a flat masculine chest so hopefully that helps them to fuck off. I feel like some cis gay men are more curious about me, which feels nice. That is very gender affirming. A couple of my other friends who went from dating queer women to dating queer men have talked to me about the dyke to fag pipeline and I just love that. I still feel bisexual though, I love women I am just not one.

Anyway! I can do some work again, which is good. Not physical work, like I can’t do a film shoot right now. But I can have zoom meetings and give talks and work on my laptop. So if you need me for a talk or something and have money for me please hire me! If you have money for me but no work please donate!

I think my chest has finally gotten to a point when it’s a little easier to share. The first chest pic I showed online was a little more fresh, but now it’s losing the yellows and getting more pink. It’s still healing obviously. But I feel good about it. It’s still got some swelling so it’s got a ways to go but I think it looks good.

I’m really happy I decided to go with the nipple grafts. I was so dubious for so many reasons but also having nipples was important for me. I like the aesthetics of it and didn’t feel like tattoos would get the 3D sensation of nipple grafts. They’ve been relatively easy to heal so far, and everything is still attached.

Also I’m starting to see my man cleavage between my pecs which is pretty cool. I’m really happy with how that is turning out. I know it’s still gonna be a while until I know what my chest looks like. Like honestly it will take a year for scars and stuff to settle. Also I do get keloids sometimes, but they do fade and flatten so I’m not too worried about it if that happens.

I miss the gym and I miss being able to do stuff by myself like taking out the trash and doing my laundry. I’m going to try and go out a bit more with friends in the next few weeks while I heal. Like not going to places that are super busy where someone could bump my chest. But like, going to the park and to restaurants and for ice cream etc. would be nice.

My Mom is still here visiting but today went to go see her friend in another town for the night. So I walked her to the street and waited for her Uber with her and she noticed I have hair under my chin, like, not peach fuzz but thicker hairs, and like still only a few but there. And she said she noticed follicles on my neck too, like hair follicles. So after she got in her Uber I went in and took a bunch of pics to see and there definitely is something happening. AND I also noticed neck follicles, like they are a little more prominent than they used to be. BUT ALSO that there are follicles on my chest now too. So I don’t know what is happening but maybe my facial and body hair is starting to come in more strongly. It’s blonde though so really hard to spot unless you are in the light. I shaved my face before top surgery but not since then, and my cheeks seem to have some fuzz too. I don’t know! I guess I’ll see what happens.

I don’t know if I would have gotten them at this time without top surgery. I mean I might have, I might just be on that timeline for Testosterone to start doing this. But whatever, I’m happy something is happening in the hair department beside my receding hairline. If I can gain hair in other spots maybe I won’t feel so weird about my hairline.

ALTHOUGH to be honest I am finally adjusting to myself being bald/shaved. I think I like the way it looks now. Sometimes I let it grow in a little bit, but it’s still pretty short even then. I just like the stubble look I guess. I do know I’m a lot less self conscious of my hair than when it was longer but so thin on top. And it was thin even before testosterone. So I just think the way I am shaving my head finally works for me. And I am used to seeing the mole on my head all the time. Accepting my body is making me less self conscious and more confident, which is really nice.

My therapist helped remind me that I need to eat a lot more and especially protein, so I’ve been trying to be conscious of giving myself more food.

My pain levels in my chest have improved a lot. I was able to give my Mom a soft hug today very carefully. It was nice, I still can’t physically feel a lot with the binder but it was a nice feeling. I’m glad I can hug people again if they are careful with me! I missed hugs.

I still can’t walk Posey so I’m getting my friends to help me this next month. We’ll see how that goes!!! I feel bad for her not getting walks. We usually go on them all the time.

My chest is slowly healing. There was a day when it looked nice enough to post pics on my Instagram, but then it’s started doing some nipple graft healing that isn’t as pretty. It’s going through a phase I guess. BUT I did post that one pic and I think even though my chest is healing it looks kinda sexy. Like, potentially sexy! The surgeon did an amazing job with the contouring. It’s not like, a skinny trans guy’s chest, it’s my chest, and kind of soft but in like the friendliest NDN dude way. Right now there’s still swelling and things are settling and need to stick back to the muscles under my skin, so it’s a work in progress. I just have to feed myself properly and take care of myself and wear the binder.

I also still have this gnarly gravity bruise on my side, but it’s healing really fast and is greatly reduced from how it was at first. Like I think it’s only 1/4th the size it used to be now. And it was HUGE! The bottom is healing the slowest (because gravity!).

I had a really hard time imagining my body feeling pleasure after the surgery. Not like, nipple pleasure which I’m just like if it comes back or not I’m ok. But like, wanting to cuddle someone or make out or have sex. And finally a couple days ago I started thinking about what it would be like to cuddle someone on my chest. So that felt nice. I’m not sure I am ready to make out with someone putting their hands there yet. But maybe? Not yet. Oh I don’t know. BUT I felt like my body was too concentrated on the pain of healing and now I am able to daydream a little about sex and romance. Which is nice. My body is still very obviously focused on healing though.

I took the auto-responder off my email accounts because I am ready to respond to people in a more timely manner again. So answering work emails has been relatively easy. I’m going to get back to more creative work next week. I have to finish a video and write a script. And write two project grants.

I am still raising funds for top surgery recovery! Any chipins would be great!

I finally got to see my incisions and nipples today. I was so concerned about how my nipples would come out, but they look excellent! I mean obviously they are doing a healing thing and are darker than they normally are. But they are cute and small and flat! I got to take a shower and took some photos of my torso. I’m so excited to be a torso on Grindr ha ha ha!

But I’m not really gonna circulate pics of my healing chest, even tho I have taken pics along the way. I just don’t want terfs to go around posting them and calling me mutilated or disfigured because that’s what those assholes do. ESPECIALLY because really it looks very awesome. But I don’t want to give them ammunition. But it is such a lovely chest and nips!

It’s interesting, before I could see under the dressings I felt like a kid again. Like the last time I had no boobs was when I was 11. And so I kind of self-infantilized myself I guess when I was first getting used to my new body. But after seeing nipples and being able to take some torso pics I feel more like I can see the man I am. It’s especially hard to infantilize tattoos and a mini beer gut. I mean I love my tummy tho also ha ha.

I’m excited to continue with my healing. Now a lot of my restrictions are gone so I can do things like have a shower without help, so that is super nice! And I can take the binder off for three hours a day! And go out and about in the neighbourhood and city. I still use a mastectomy pillow in the car, but aside from that I feel very free. I can also carry 15lbs. My dog weighs more than that tho, so she will still need someone else to walk her. She’s decided she can’t go for a walk without me though, so someone else has to carry the leash while I follow. She’s so silly.

I am still raising money for costs during recovery!

I’ve just been having a chill time at home letting my body heal. I got off the Tramadol on Tuesday and have been doing Tylenol since then, which seems to be working more or less. I can finally sleep a little bit better. Tramadol can cause insomnia so sleep was a bit elusive. But even tho I can sleep now, I still wake up early. I go to bed early too though.

I’m still sharing the place with my Mom while she looks after me, in some ways I feel like I don’t have a lot of care needs, and in other ways I do and I’m glad she’s here. She’s super helpful with dinners and stuff.

Tomorrow is the nipple reveal and I am so nervous. I’ve had all kinds of feelings in them while my nerves are trying to reconnect and stuff. It felt really cool on the third day because it was tingly. But now the feelings are a little sharper. Not constantly though.

Posey is still being careful with me and seems to take not jumping on my chest very seriously. She did jump on my stomach last night though so I might go back to wearing the mastectomy pillow in bed.

I’ve got a big scary bruise on one side of my abdomen, it was there early on but it looks darker now and more angry. I’m seeing the doctor and nurse tomorrow though so I’ll check in with them about it.

I feel so weird about my body right now because it’s not in it’s final form yet! Like it still has to do so much healing. And I just want to get to the part where I can sit on a rock wearing an unbuttoned shirt with the wind blowing my non existent hair. But really, it looks great with a shirt on, and most people will see me like that anyway. Today was the first day I wore a man’s shirt, I got it at a thrift store in San Diego. So it doesn’t have all the extra cloth in the chest as my other clothes. And it’s amazing to look down and see a flat chest. Like it’s just so nice!

I had therapy on Monday and just kept talking about how nice it all was ha ha.

I feel like I’m far enough in my transition now that maybe I don’t have to think about it so much anymore. I’m getting gendered more correctly more frequently. And my body is finally getting to where I have wanted it to be. Except for the body and facial hair, but I’m Cree. And most people in my work life have been cool with it. But I mean also it’s probably something that’s always going to preoccupy me in some way.

I’m doing well. My top surgery was yesterday and all went as planned. My mom made it in time for us to go, we were exhausted but managed. And the clinic was really wonderful, such kind people. My surgeon was really good, no complaints about it. When I was finally on the operating table and the anesthesia was kicking in I was watching the lights and the sort of arms or whatever holding the lights up seemed to start moving although they weren’t and that was the last thing I remember. When I woke up I felt like I was having a really nice dream I didn’t want to leave. And someone was talking to me and it was a bit hard to come out of the fog. But I did, recovery didn’t take too long at the clinic. They gave me water and ginger ale and cookies. The cookies were so dry tho and I already hadn’t eaten anything for like, 18 hours or something. So my mouth was super dry. But it went fine, and when I was ready they wheeled me out to the car and I went home with my Mom and my friend Vee.

I came home and was basically resting, then had some yogurt and made sure I wasn’t feeling nauseous, and then I ate some more food. Since then I’ve just been resting and snacking and taking my Tramadol. I can’t have marijuana until I’m done with my Tramadol, so my edibles are just hanging out waiting. I will probably quit the Tramadol on Monday, since they said the first three days are the hardest pain wise.

The pain comes and goes, if I move around a lot it hurts, but I’m not moving too much. It’s hard to get up from bed, but my sit-ups at the gym have given me a pretty good ability to sit up in bed. I’m using a wedge pillow and a neck pillow for sleeping and have managed to sleep on my back and NOT have night terrors, which is great because that usually happens when I sleep on my back. I’m still having trouble sleeping through the night tho, plus I have to wake up at 2:30 and take my painkiller.

And my chest looks nice. Obviously I haven’t seen all of it since my nipples are still covered in dressings. But I’ll see them on Friday! I hope they are cute, I know they will look gnarly for a while though. I have bruising and swelling but nothing scary. My mom who is a wimp with injuries was even able to see my incision this morning and not make her usual painful noises. So that’s good. It’s pretty much a neat and clean incision site, and the nipples are covered like I said.

It’s really nice. I was so excited this morning that I woke up early and had to wait for Mom to wake up to do some things. But my chest just feels so nice. Finally today I really felt at home in my body in a way I wasn’t expecting. Like, it feels like my chest was always this flat. Maybe in my soul it just felt this way. I don’t know but I’m excited to continue my healing and see how I inhabit my body now. I feel more confident already, even though I’m still super vulnerable and in pain. I know it’s gonna be a few more weeks before I really see how my chest is. It’s just so swollen now. And I had contouring so that also causes some swelling. But overall it’s great! No regrets! It’s kinda funny because now the round part of me is my tummy, but I still like that better than before.

I lost a pound according to the scale, BUT also I am swollen and constipated so I’m not really sure that is accurate. I’m passing gas finally so I’m hoping my digestive system goes back to normal tomorrow.

My friends have been so nice, and sending all kinds of sweet messages, and one of my friends sent me sweet treats today. So I feel very loved and I feel like I finally am in love with my body.

I am still raising funds for my recovery! You can send money to this GoFundMe.

Thanks for all your support!

OMG! Top surgery is tomorrow afternoon! I think it’s a good time of day for surgery, the surgeon should be nice and alert. And I just have to show up and not have deodorant on etc. I’m stoked! I’m nervous too, it’s such a big surgery. But the clinic I am going to is really well regarded for their top surgeries, and my surgeon is really accomplished (award winning even!) and so I feel confident about it. And I know I’m going to have scars, BUT ALSO I am into body mods in general and there’s totally people into scarification so I’m not real worried about it. I think I’ll have a good looking chest. I mean it’s already got some perks because of this giant tattoo on it. If anything I am super curious about how my nipples will turn out, but I won’t find out until next week when the bolsters come off. I have inverted nipples so I’m curious if they are just gonna be smaller inverted nipples. I love my body so I’m not like, expecting major changes like not having inverted nipples anymore. But also I don’t know what they are gonna do with them.

My Mom is still in an airport right now, because her flight got delayed five hours and forty five minutes. So that’s kinda insane (and I can say that because I have literally been insane!). So I set up her bed but she has to turn on the pump to blow it up because it takes up too much room when it’s inflated and would get in the way of her bags and things when she comes. Like, literally she is arriving just after 3am tonight. I tried to do everything to make it possible for her to get inside if I am not awake or not here (in the worst case scenario that her flight gets cancelled and she has to come tomorrow). So stressful!

I cleaned, did all my laundry, did the dishes. I gotta take out the garbage tomorrow morning. At 11am my friend comes to pick me (and potentially my mom) up and takes us to the clinic. I am packing a bag, I have a mastectomy pillow in it and I’m gonna leave it in the car for later. The bag comes in with me to hold my clothes while I am in surgery. I was told to wear comfortable clothes, so I am gonna wear adidas sweatpants and my cute bee shirt, I picked the bee shirt because it’s a button up and mostly dark in case any blood gets on it. I am not totally sure what shoes to wear, maybe my clogs. They are comfortable but not good for hiking, but I’m not hiking.

Also I get tattooed like, all the time, and yes it does fucking hurt and yes I do hate how much it hurts BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I look more cool afterwards. So I feel the same way about top surgery. It’s gonna be painful, and hard. But I will be really happy when it’s done. And I will feel that I look more cool to myself after. I think I will be happy when I look in the mirror.

There’s a big thunderstorm brewing right now which I always love. My Grandpa died not long after a thunderstorm. It feels connected. I don’t think I’ll die but I am doing a huge major part of my transition tomorrow, so it seems fitting.

I was gonna add this to my last post but then I realized “This Sucks” and a link to the NY Times might look shady! Anyway! I got a mention in the New York Times in a review for the Indian Theater show I am in. They said:

“Over four brief autobiographical pieces, Theo Jean Cuthand travels a path from lesbian to trans male identity with buzzing enthusiasm.”

So sweet! It’s true I am enthusiastic about my transition journey ha ha!

You can read it here!

And yeah I know the issues with New York Times and their coverage of trans people and especially gender affirming care for youth. Which if you don’t know about I would encourage you to read up on in regards to some damaging propaganda pieces that were published in the past which have been quoted in state legislatures to advance banning gender affirming health care against medical evidence of it being a good practice. Sorry that is such a long sentence!

I’m in a cash flow situation AGAIN because I’m waiting for people to pay me and had to use some of my surgery recovery money in advance for supplies and things so I am basically broke until certain people come back from vacation and submit my payments through whatever things. SO ANNOYING. I had to travel to Montreal which meant using some of my money, and the org which might pay for that trip is taking it’s time doing its jury to decide if I get travel funds. Then I did that thing with [redacted] and then they were supposed to pay on the 4th but I guess people went on vacation until next week so I’m still broke with that. It’s very annoying. ANYWAY I am still raising money for surgery stuff so if you want to donate please do!

I WAS able to get a lot of my post surgical supplies though, so I should be ok with that part of it. Now it’s just like, regular life costs that my income SHOULD cover if people would pay me on time. I did a gig yesterday and then they told me they can’t pay for two weeks. ARGH!!! I’m just trying to live! PLUS my co-op went on vacation also so my rent cash is hanging out in savings until they come back on the 18th and are actually going to cash my cheque.

BUT OK not everything sucks, just being a full time artist with a health situation sucks. I did shave my face and my head today and that was nice. I don’t think I’ll be able to shave my face on surgery day because I can’t use creams or lotions, which is fine. I don’t grow a lot of fur on my face. My Mom is coming on Thursday which will be interesting and hopefully helpful.

I’m wearing all my favourite t shirts now because it’s button-ups for six weeks after this. I am fortunate that I have a lot of button-ups from when I got into the Whitney Biennial and decided my wardrobe needed an improvement. I actually think I’m gonna have to get more shirts after I’m healed because during this past year I’ve gone from being a 2XL to a XL. So my clothes are baggy. BUT obviously I have to wait for my finances to improve in the future for that. So that’s fine. I’ll just be a baggy guy ha ha. I am excited to see how I fill out a t-shirt after surgery, when I can finally put my arms above my head again.

I started worrying about the surgery and the actual procedure they are going to do and then I was like “I’m not a surgeon, why am I worrying about this? I don’t need to know how it works!” The point is that it does work and that the surgeon I’m seeing has done this many many times.

ALSO secretly I am worried my mail is getting stolen, because a cheque was supposed to come and it hasn’t and it’s been a really long time and I don’t know where it is and my mom got her cheque which came from the same people. And I haven’t seen a cheque in my mail in a while and they are usually pretty regular. And I actually haven’t seen very much regular mail, just fliers. So I don’t know what is going on with my mail, but if you know me and want to send me a Get Well card please do so I can make sure I’m actually getting my mail ha ha omg.

ALSO I found out people are saying transphobic things to my mom, which is really so violent and abusive to me even if they think they aren’t saying it to me. I have asked her not to tell me what people are saying but knowing that there are bigots in my circle is really disquieting. I really don’t care what they think of my transition or decisions around my gender affirming health care. But they are probably the same people who would vote to take away my healthcare given the chance, which is disgusting.

Which brings me to my sense of relief that surgery is coming up this week. I just really want it to be done before gender affirming health care bans take root in Canada. I know there’s a chance we’ll be fine up here. But also Canada is full of white supremacists too who are also invested in there being a clear gender binary. I don’t think I’m strictly a binary trans man anymore, I think I’m a non-binary man. But still a man and I still want to live out my flat chested dreams! Plus I did all this work at the gym to have a sexy chest, it’s time to see what that looks like. I can bench press 45lbs! I’m getting there!

There’s probably more people rooting for me than the ones saying transphobic shit though. I’ve been blessed with some caring nice friends out here and some of them have even come out with new names and pronouns recently. It’s kind of sweet how we all find each other. And there are supporters who are cis, which is good. We’re not alone. And I’m spending less time on Twitter, and when I am on there I’m cognizant of the fact that a lot of really ugly people are bots honestly. What is real? It’s starting to go back to real life people being more of a barometer of what is going on. I have been called names a couple times on the street since transitioning. But no one has punched me yet so I guess that’s a good sign.

AND overall I am excited about top surgery. I’m a bit nervous about when I’m healing and vulnerable. But I have good friends who want to help.