I tried really hard to stay home as much as possible this summer, because I knew I was gonna spend a lot of time out of the country this year. But today my dog went to her sitter for the rest of the year while I start the first of three trips. There’s two this month to the USA. Then next month I’m in Austria until the end of the year doing a residency. I’m gonna have people checking on my place so I’m not totally abandoning it or anything. Anyway. I packed today, and charged my trusty hitachi, and did my dishes so there’s nothing gross growing in the sink while I’m gone. I am coming back soon though, for long enough to attend ImagineNATIVE as just an audience member. No tensions! Just films!

I also managed to work out seeing my therapist throughout these trips. I think since I am maintaining a residence in Ontario it’s fine. We had a session back when I was in New Orleans, the internet was terrible but hopefully the wifi in Vienna is better. If it’s not I’ll hotspot my phone I guess. I’m going to buy a sim card while I’m there so that I don’t have to pay roaming charges.

I miss my pup already.

Tomorrow I go to Boulder Colorado. I don’t remember if I’ve been to Colorado before. I’ve been to a lot of Western states but I don’t know if that was included.

I hope my dog is ok. She is spending time with a larger dog and has issues.

I’ve watched all the tarot youtubes there are to watch. And I realize it just makes me spin around in circles. No one really knows whose reading that is. Like sometimes I will try to make it fit but then it doesn’t. I miss when I used to pull cards on my own. I do think I’ve learned a lot more about how to interpret the cards with all the reads I have watched, so maybe going back to doing my own reads would be a good practice. I don’t read for other people very often but when I have it’s been sort of accurate? I don’t know.

I miss my ex. And I restricted their access to my fb (not unfriending though) and I just wonder if it’s doing the right thing or not. I’m mostly feeling sad about them being able to see my posts while not posting or revealing much on their end. I would feel more ok if I knew they were sharing parts of their life with me. But you know, I mean, they don’t want me in their life. So you would think restricting them from seeing most posts would make me feel ok. But no I feel sad about not being able to let them in anymore. Unless something changes.

I had crazy horny times today, which surprised me because T day is on Monday, and that’s only two days away. So my levels should be going down. But I came like, a ridiculous amount of times today, like four or five times. It was INTENSE!!!! I’m starting to see why some trans guys complain about their dicks getting sore. I didn’t expect it to be this ridiculous. I mean I was warned, my friends told me what it’s like to be this horny. But like I was considering casual sex finally and going on apps a little bit and who knows what will happen. If all goes well I should be able to have a hookup later this week. But yeah. INTENSE!!! Also I’ve discovered I’m a bit of an exhibitionist and keep taking pics of my dick to send to guys on apps or post on Fetlife. So that’s been fun.

I was having some depression this week, I just had a lot on my mind. But oddly enough this desire to go fuck around is making me less depressed. I just feel like maybe I can finally start doing sexy stuff again and regardless if it leads to a relationship or not, it would be nice to touch someone and get touched. I don’t know what I am gonna do in Vienna. I suppose I could see who is on Scruff and Grindr over there. But would we speak the same language?

I’m getting better at understanding German. I can understand some sentences, and I can read more. Not big words. But like I was looking at a pic the other day and I could read the German subtitle that went with it. So something is sticking. It would be nice to practice German while I’m in Vienna. I asked my ex if they would practice German with me since they are fluent, but then our situationship which was at the time more of a friendship fell apart. It’s not like I have no one to practice with though, I do know a lot of German speakers. Plus omg I was so shy to talk to them in German cause I know I only speak like, baby tourist German. Wo ist der Kellner? Sprechen sie Deutsch? I mean I am starting to get more words, but I’m still way down in the Duolingo German tree, or way up, whichever way has less modules finished.

Honestly transitioning is the most interesting thing I’ve done in ages. I know one day it will just be like, whatever, pretty routine and normal for me. Doing my shot this morning felt really routine even though my needles and syringes got thrown out I think (I have a cleaner and it was in a bag looking like a bag of plastic bags). BUT I had other needles and syringes that I’d gotten before my first shot when I thought I had to provide it all to the nurse. So it was fine. I liked those other syringes though and I think I’m gonna ask for more of them when I see my nurse, because the needle gets locked onto the syringe better than the 1ml syringes, and testosterone is in a really thick oil and injected through a thin needle so it takes some effort to inject it. Or the way I take it does anyway. BUT besides missing stuff, I actually was pretty good with this shot and not nervous and I remembered all the things including swabbing the vial and also my stomach with alcohol. So I think it went fine.

Seeing the wispiest beginnings of a beard coming in made me euphoric for days. I know it’s so early, today was only the 6th shot and it’s still a low dose. But besides my t cock it was the most obvious recent outward change. And it really just looks like longer face hair but when you look at it it’s very clearly defining my sideburns and part of my jawline. Like it’s in a facial hair pattern, not just rando werewolf hair. I was writing my diary about it and seeing what I’m going to look like in my mind and being like omg this is what I really look like! And I cried about it, but happy tears. Cause before I saw it coming in I didn’t know if I would get facial hair. My Mom said no I wouldn’t get any because the men on her side of the family don’t have much or any facial hair. But my Dad’s side of the family is Métis and definitely hairy and beardy guys.

The other day at Metric, my friend and I were looking at guys beards and I would be like “I think it’s going to be that color…. but I’d probably want it to be trimmed like that guy…” There are a lot of things you can do with facial hair! Plus it means I can finally be a bear!!! Like a real bear ha ha!

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OMG so I don’t know what happened but I didn’t finish this blog entry and then things happened. Anyway, today was my ninth shot (or is it tenth?) OMG it’s the tenth shot! So yeah time passed since that last beginning of a post.

I noticed the other day when I was running my hands over my hips in bed that they were way smaller than before. And I stood in front of the mirror and yeah my hips are kind of going away. That was pretty cool to notice. I don’t know what my shoulders would be doing but some guys told me I’m gonna have to get some new shirts because women’s shirts don’t fit their shoulders now. So I guess I just hope my expensive button ups will survive. I guess we’ll see what happens. BUT part of the awesome thing about my hips disappearing is that maybe I can buy mens pants and they will fit properly. So I’m excited about that.

OH I REMEMBER what happened, I got stressed about money, because a big cheque was late, and I had to get money out of my RSP. And then by the time the bank gave me part of my RSP, the cheque had arrived. But I’d already nearly maxxed out my credit card so I ended up putting most of the RSP money onto that. I know really I should change my card in my ubereats and door dash, because usually it bills my credit card but billing my chequing account would make me more accountable to myself. Anyway that’s why I forgot about finishing this blog post.

A friend gave me some plants which was really nice, but today I noticed black ants and I think they came from the plants. But they were VERY motivated to trying to drink my coke so I know they aren’t weird like the ants already living here that like protein. So I put some ant poison out, hopefully it nips this ant colony in the bud. OR maybe these ants will fight off the other ants.

I still remember accidentally bringing an ant colony to Portugal. I was SO embarrassed. I was less embarrassed when I found out they weren’t an invasive species there tho cause they already have them.

I’m really tired all the time. But I notice I get more loggy just before my shot. Also though I am kind of worried about just being tired all the time even though I know that’s part of a testosterone fuelled puberty. I guess it’s that desire to be productive. I haven’t napped every day like this since Little Mister died. And it’s not like I have a hardcore two hour nap, but like, every day between 4 and 8 I have to get an hour of laying down time. I know though that there are entire countries of people where having a nap in the middle of the day is expected.

I got a letter today from the co-op saying I was approved to be on the internal wait list for a larger one bedroom unit. I actually got on the list way back in April but they didn’t give me a letter until today. It’s kind of funny that they even bothered since they already told me through email.

But it made me a bit sad to see it, because really I would have preferred to be able to put in a request for a two bedroom unit that my partner and I could move into. It would be such cheaper rent, like less than 650 bucks each. And I don’t know. I can always put in a request for a two bedroom in the future. But it’s just one of those things I can bring to a relationship that I feel like certain other partners didn’t give a shit about. Affordable housing in one of the most expensive cities in Canada. It’s not a small thing. I feel like homeownership is just out of reach of most of us by now, this is kind of a really good alternative to trying to buy a house. There was an old lady who lived her whole life and died here, and I know that kind of permanence and stability was not something I was looking for in my 20s or 30s but it sure is now. I don’t want to live somewhere with a landlord who is inevitably gonna renovict me in a year. And I don’t want to scrounge together all my money to buy a property that is gonna need so much upkeep and will keep me from doing other things I’d rather be doing like travelling or having Experiences.

So it was a bit of a bittersweet letter. I’ve been having all these therapy revelations one after another the last while, and one of them was that I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer that was good enough for my last deep feelings relationship/situationship. Which I know isn’t true but it just felt like I had all these things to bring with me and they just weren’t really acknowledged or respected. Or some things I didn’t even get to mention because we never got that far in our situationship. But honestly, that person wanted those things from someone else. So nothing I had to offer would have been good enough because I wasn’t that other person. But it still doesn’t stop me from feeling shitty about what I have to bring to a relationship.

Cyber is a word that has fallen out of fashion. It was very popular for a while, enough so that a certain pliable sex toy material was named Cyberskin. I never understood why it was called that. God, sex toy materials have seriously improved since I was a pup going around trying to get sexy in the world. Like, I remember those jelly dildos that people eventually stopped buying because they would secrete some kind of toxic chemical. Why did we do that as a species?

So I’m in this new url, and hopefully it goes well. I did realize I needed to update all my links on my socials. Which is a drag. Changing my name all over the place was a pain in the ass but now I have to go back to all those places and update my url. Depressing! I think I’m probably going to change my name to something beginning with a T that isn’t just an initial, but I’ve decided to reserve the use of that name for close friends and family, and I am going to retain TJ as my professional name. And I don’t know what my secret name will be, I keep thinking maybe Theo but I looked it up and I think it was super Christian or something? It’s origins made me feel weird anyway!

Although I do like that Theo was Vincent Van Gogh’s brother who supported him through his failing art career.

And I had a rat named Theo when I was a kid!

But no I am not Theo.

I went to a Leather Swap today and it was super cute. I haven’t been able to mingle with people in real life in a while. Most of my dates have been coming from apps and that kind of thing, mostly Lex and Tinder (and Grindr if I ever manage to have a hookup). But this was nice, got to have flirty eye contact with people, super fun! Made me feel hopeful again.

I’m so excited to tell my therapist that I am hopeful again. OMG I finally get to see my amazing therapist in person on Monday!!! I’ve never had an in person therapy session with her. And internet instability always happens at the worst times, and I drop out, or she drops out, or I have to keep turning my camera on. The last session we had was online and at the end my internet kicked me off for the last minute of my session so I didn’t get to say goodbye properly. Which was too bad. BUT not so bad now because I get to see her in real life until I have to travel again.

What else? I feel like I’m such a defensive crab about dating just because some people approached me in ways that didn’t feel good. BUT I am honestly open to it. I just am extremely picky and like being treated like a human being. Like, don’t go into sexy things right away that just irks me. I like light conversation until I know someone isn’t a bad weirdo. Good weirdos are fine, but creepy weirdos are very much unwanted. And I will talk about my kinks and stuff I just need to have a bit more of a feel for someone first before opening up. It’s honestly not THAT hard to date me, I am pretty easy going if someone isn’t crossing my boundaries.

I finally started talking to people on Grindr, which is interesting. I haven’t been able to meet up with any hookups yet tho for personal reasons. And also some people just end up not being great after you talk to them for long enough. People move WAY faster than the Queer women I’ve talked to on Tinder tho. Like, they want to meet RIGHT NOW! It’s a bit much for me, I need like a little bit slower.

BUT the testosterone finally kicked into that horny period which is funny cause it took me a while. It’s… a lot. And like, before I was having a little dip before shot day but today is shot day and yesterday I was still intensely horny periodically throughout the day. So finally I can see the appeal of having some guy just drop by for sex and leave. I am also hoping since I was still pretty horny yesterday that my T levels are more even and sustained than they were before. I think my body is just getting used to having this amount of testosterone in it now. I still want increased levels though, because I think there are things I’m not experiencing on this amount of T. Like, my armpits smell a bit muskier, but other smells haven’t really changed. And my body temp didn’t change a lot.

I still think I want to fall in love again but also I’ve been kind of getting harassed online by women, so I’m not so into advertising myself as available right now. I thought I was into getting validated by flirty horny guys on Grindr but that gets kind of depressing after a while too. Mostly I would just really love if someone asked to go for dinner and see a movie with me and not throw some horny shit on me before we’ve had a conversation. I think I can probably do gay hookups tho eventually but any heterosexual stuff is still kind of intense and weird for me. Also I still have feelings for an ex so I don’t know how much I have to offer anyone. Anyway, if you like me the best thing to do is NOT to send me anything horny, or to even bother me at all really. Ha ha omg. I sound like such a crab. I like making the first move usually tho. And there’s not really anyone I want to make a move on right now.

The immediate gratification of Grindr is kind of appealing though, just knowing you could hook up anywhere anytime. I don’t know what to do tho when guys want to meet RIGHT NOW Because I’m not always available. Sometimes I even want to be available but I’m just not because of personal reasons.

I’m still looking at the hairs on my sideburns a lot, they are doing SOMETHING. I have to get my hair cut soon but I don’t want her to shave down my sideburns to nothing. They’re very blonde and thin hairs so it’s not super noticeable yet. Anyway, I’m happy something is going on there.

I was feeling down about my family last night. I don’t know if we will ever be close again. I don’t know if I could ever feel safe with them again. Definitely not safe with my cousin who has some disturbing obsession with me being trans that comes out when he gets black out drunk. It’s just sad, to know I won’t be spending time in that house anymore or seeing the dogs that live there. I was hoping my family wouldn’t be one of the ones that is unsafe for trans people but just because of that one cousin and the people who enable him, it is. It’s depressing.

Ha ha aww this sounds like such a downer post. No I am fine, when I’m not being sexually harassed. Which is why it’s weird to be on Grindr where people’s opening lines can be so crass.

It’s now midway through my fifth week on T. So far so good. I haven’t noticed any significant external changes except for private below the belt ones. I’m noticing the peach fuzz on my cheeks more now though. But that might just be because I keep going back to look at it. The other day I took a shirt out of my drawers and it smelled bad and musty. It was so bad that I washed a bunch of clothes and bought scented sachets to sit in the drawers now. So hopefully that helps. But it was interesting that my sense of smell was more sensitive to pick up on how gross that shirt smelled. Like I’ve taken shirts out of that drawer lots and didn’t notice anything before.

I’m continuing to need a lot more food. I just got more groceries again today because I was running out of protein snacks and those are kind of the best. I got a giant box of granola bars. Who am I??! I just know they are more solid and would satisfy me better than a bag of chips. I am not gaining weight either, it’s just hovering at a number that’s lower than my typical average. So obviously my body is doing something with all this food.

I keep taking pics of various parts of my body, I just want to see what is going on everywhere. I hear ass hair is the first hair to start coming in but I haven’t been taking pics of my ass. I kind of wish I had a partner who could pay attention to things changing but I’m still really feeling shy about dating. I’ve been trying. But I’m just so concerned about someone not being attracted to the person I am becoming. I think I’ve just heard too many lesbians complain about male secondary sex characteristics so I just don’t really feel like someone would be super into me now and also in a year. BUT at the same time I’m not going to be dating lesbians so that shouldn’t be a huge worry. I still don’t know where my attractions and desires are going to end up.

However I do still feel really drawn to Femmes and feminine people. I don’t know, there is a pool of people who date both butch women and trans men. And I have mostly dated people in that pool even before I came out as a trans man.

I don’t know. I’ve been trying to see if my face changed much in the last month and the only thing that’s really clear is I got masculine glasses finally instead of my more feminine pair. Also I got progressive lenses because I’m old and need to read tiny print. I thought I adjusted to my progressives really well but today I stepped on a curb weird because I was trying to look at tiny birds in my intermediate lens area.

Today I worked on a treatment for a new feature I am working on. It’s a transmasculine horror film! I’m hoping it works out. I finally had to make rules around finishing it and right now I’ve scheduled two hours of writing every day next week to get it done. Two hours doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s about the top amount I can do in one day. I’m still gonna be done in time for my self imposed deadline. And then I can get feedback from my story editor.

I’m also trying to make a short video about HIV/AIDS based on work in the Vtape archive and other Indigenous HIV positive video and performance artists. I feel so weird tho cause I always give my work a personal bent and I don’t know how to do that with this video.

I did do a lot of things before I got on T to make sure I’d be ok if I ended up having sex with people with sperm. Like get on birth control. But also I started taking PrEP. I have to get my blood drawn every three months to do STI panels while I am on PrEP. So that’s interesting. I did that today. It’s helpful to have that routine when I’m sexually active again but today there’s not really any reason to since I haven’t fucked anyone recently. Oh well I guess it’s better to be safe.

But I feel weird if I talk about PrEP in my video and taking it. I know it probably makes sense but it feels weird to me for some reason.

I also got a monkeypox vaccine a while back and it left a mark that is taking forever to go away. I don’t know if that’s good but also I don’t want to discourage people from getting the vaccine. It’s definitely a heavy hitter vaccine that’s for sure. But OK I am all set to be the slut I wish I could be but also I think I am probably demisexual or something because I have a hard time thinking about sex with just anybody. Maybe I need more T.

My moods are a bit low before I get my shot, so I am trying to get used to that.

What else? I don’t know, I’m constantly balancing the desire to be extremely productive and cash in on current opportunities being offered to me, and the desire to let myself have leisure time. And it ends up with me working for days on end or else scrolling facebook for too many hours in a day. I need a happy medium. I love the idea of having a weekend, but sometimes work happens on the weekend. Like it’s just too unpredictable, there’s all kinds of reasons I might have to work eight days in a row and stuff. And I mostly do freelance work so sometimes I don’t say no as often as I should, because when else is this $500 gig gonna come up right? I’m starting to get to the point as a full time artist that I can be ok if I don’t get a grant (as bummed as I would be) because I’m consistently getting other gigs to keep me going.

I used to date a lawyer who worked all the time and it kind of bummed me out until I tried to date someone who wanted to talk all the time and I realized I didn’t have time for that either. I miss the lawyer, I think dating people who have a lot of work to do is actually probably the better option for me.

Anyway, I need to go snack on something. And there’s new groceries here so hurray for that!

I am trying to migrate this site to tjcuthand.com but it’s gonna be a bit.

So I thought I could talk about my shots!

I got my first T shot last Monday from the nurse at my clinic. And he showed me how to do it, and it didn’t seem too bad. So I did it by myself today and it was fine. I had been so sure I would do intramuscular shots, but for now I am doing subQ. It’s going ok!

Some things I noticed is that my anxiety went down a lot. Not entirely gone, but not bothering me like before. A couple days later I went to the Dua Lipa concert and it was in Scotiabank Arena so there were tons of people, and I just was so unconcerned. Normally I HATE crowds, and they make me anxious. Also I’ve been SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!!! I want to eat all the things. After I’m done lunch or dinner it’s not long before I want a snack. And I can’t skip lunch or dinner anymore, I HAVE to eat. So I’m hoping that gives me a better relationship to food, because my ADHD made me have a really unhealthy relationship to it. And what else? I am more horny than I was before but it’s nothing super special yet, it’s just average. But I’d felt very unsexy for a month before my shot, so I’m glad it got kickstarted again. I also smell slightly different. And the things I smell smell stronger than before. Like food and stuff. It’s pretty cool.

I’m really excited for when I get to take a higher dose. Right now I’m on a low dose for starting out. But in a couple of weeks or so I can go get my levels checked and see if they will let me take more. I haven’t had any aggression though, which SOME people said I would have. I feel pretty calm actually.

It’s funny because before T I walked around feeling SO MUCH AGGRESSION and it’s not like I yelled at people on the street but it just built up in my body in a way that felt crappy. And now when I would normally start feeling aggressive, I feel more like “Well that’s disappointing.” I’m more patient. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or my outlook on life changing things, who knows.

My therapist comes back next month!!! I’m so excited to see her again! And FINALLY I get to see my temp therapist this week, which will be the first session since all this shit went down. So I’m stoked about that even if she’s not my regular therapist. Just to tell a therapist all these things and how upset it made me and get validated would be helpful. I feel so gaslit about what happened and I don’t know what to do with that.

I realized I have a crush on this one singer cause she kinda looks like my therapist. And I also realized my last ex had similarities to my therapist. It’s kind of hilarious. Do I have a type again?

SPEAKING OF! I am still being patient to see what my sexuality is going to do now that I’m on testosterone. So far, inconclusive. It hasn’t been long enough to see. I do notice guys more, but I think that’s cause it’s easier to like queer guys than straight guys. And I am still in love with a Femme I was in love with before. I haven’t been totally sure that I’m still into Femmes. I think I probably am (and straight women) but I don’t know how it will feel dating people as a guy now. And I’m not entirely sure what people are open to dating me. I downloaded Grindr and got a bunch of messages and immediately closed it again. I also kind of just want to do me right now and not worry about managing someone else’s expectations around my transition.

I don’t know how to talk about my life right now. I had some really transphobic incidents with my family when I went to visit them. Including my black out drunk cousin grabbing his dick through his pants and telling me he had a penis and I didn’t. Which I mean for one thing, was totally transphobic, and for another thing was sexual harassment from a FAMILY MEMBER so double fucking gross behaviour. And then my Mom defended him and didn’t comfort me and the next day told me she didn’t want to talk to me while I was transitioning because I would get angry and yell at her. So transitioning takes years, I guess she must know that since she knows so much about transitioning. 🙄 I left Mom’s house and stayed with friends for the rest of my trip.

Anyway, my family was a huge traumatic disappointment who I’m not in contact with right now. Which sucks but also maybe the distance is what I need while I’m building my self esteem as a trans man. Because they definitely aren’t going to be helpful in that regard.

ANYWAY I mean there was exciting stuff too though, because after I came back I finally got to see the nurse who specializes in trans health care and talk about testosterone. And it was exciting! She asked what effects I wanted and the first thing I said was “I want a fuzzy tummy!” Ha ha ha. But also she gave me this list of effects and asked which ones I wanted and I was like “I want a deepened voice, I want clitoral enlargement… this is like I am ordering off a menu!” I know there’s only so much control over what effects I get though. Although the medication that slows hair loss sounds super helpful.

She took this whole long gender history from me, which is LONG. Like, my whole life really. And I said I had been a butch for a long time, and she said something like “Oh I hate when people say “Our butches are disappearing” because it’s really brave to make the decision to transition.” Which is true I do hate that. I’m finally feeling like I don’t have to live a specific gender for other people anymore, and it’s really nice. I told her about being non-binary for a long time, and the time I tried to transition but didn’t get very far because transitioning was more difficult in 2007.

I think she wanted me to be more excited though, and I was still kind of bummed from getting rejected by my family. So I wasn’t like, I dunno, jumping up and down. But I DID feel happier after. And she sent me away with a requisition form for bloodwork. So I did that the next morning and she called to tell me I was approved for my hormones to get covered, and that they were going to try and get me on T as soon as possible after the next appointment. So I suppose the next appointment we talk about what kinds I can get, and then I get my prescription, and then a nurse shows me how to inject. I was all into doing intramuscular shots. But I’ve also been reading a lot of guys talking about getting scar tissue from doing that. And the nurse says the subcutaneous shots are actually higher in T than intramuscular. SO it’s a lot to think about. I’m also doing an ultrasound to check my endometrium for something. I forget what. I received a lot of information ha ha.

We also have to do a whole appointment to talk about surgery, so it’s going to be a while before all these things are sorted out. But I really appreciated how she said it was my decision to take testosterone and she would support me even if my identity changed, or if I wanted to go by she/her pronouns and still be on T. It felt really nice, like, there’s still a lot of open avenues to explore if I wanted. And she also said I could stop any time I wanted to of course.

I think I avoided doing this for so long because I wasn’t sure how hard it would make my life to be more clearly trans. Although I know I was gender non-conforming for so long. But this feels different. At the same time, except for the other people, it’s totally an exciting time in my life, to really be who I am. I’m curious to see what I’m gonna look like. And my boobs got their time in the sun, they can get retired. I’m looking forward to seeing how I change.

I don’t know how to come out to my neighbours. I just assume they’re going to notice in the spring that the bachelorette in unit [redacted] is now a bachelor. It’s a fairly queer co-op though so I’m not super worried anyone will be a dick to me.

But then I didn’t expect my family to treat me the way they did so maybe it’s time to stop being naive.

At the same time, this is finally the time I’ve wanted to transition where it felt like I was being permitted to do what I need. Like, when I first talked to my doctor about my gender and got my diagnosis for NIHB covered gender gear… and then I was like wait I could get on hormones! But only a little! And then it changed again to “OH MY GOD I can finally just be a man and not have to lie anymore.” And now this nurse is making sure I’m like, as healthy as I can be on T and told me things I have to watch out for and stuff. It feels nice having my gender be something that is being cared for. Cause it’s so hard in so many other places to be who I am. I mean, I recognize I have privilege from living in the largest city in Canada and having a huge network of trans friends. I’m in a way different place than the last time I tried to transition, and a different time too. But I still get treated badly when I go home to visit my family, so obviously there’s unsafe places for me now.

Anyway. I am super disappointed in my family. I don’t know how to deal with that. It’s also complicated by the fact that my mom was listening in on my therapy appointment I had while I was home, so now she thinks she should be allowed into my therapy appointments. Which I mean come on, I pay for these things just for me, it’s not fucking family therapy time just because Mom didn’t like whatever she heard.

I’m trying to write here a bit more often, instead of writing long tweets or long facebook posts. Mostly because I like being here cause it seems like no one reads it sometimes. Or like, that is what I imagine to make this all feel safer.

My dog went to her sitter today, so that was sad, she was so happy to see her sitter and didn’t even care that I was still standing there and I felt like omg my dog doesn’t need me! 😭 She does need me though. But yeah, I guess that’s better than her looking distressed!

I’m going back to Saskatchewan for a couple of weeks. There’s my family to visit and some friends and things like that. And also I just feel more grounded when I’m on the land there. I am torn about what to bring, if I should bring a bunch of prime lenses or just try to cruise by on one or two lenses. I don’t want to bring all my gear cause I just don’t see myself making something that requires all of that. And then my audio gear, I should bring something right? I like recording Saskatchewan ambience for whatever purposes. Like thunderstorms and bird calls specific to that area. I probably can’t bring the blimp and deadcat because that’s just too big. I should have got it a pelican case. I was like “NOOOO I don’t need a big pelican case for my blimp! It can stay in this flimsy cardboard box!” A fool!

Anyway. For sure I am bringing my camera and a lens. Because I found out where my Great Grandpa’s buffalo horn chair is being kept, and we got a time when we can go see it! We have to drive there. It might be moved to a different day because of an emergency, but we’ll find out soon! If not, we see it on Thursday! And I am gonna try and get some photos and footage of it. I doubt we can touch it. But to see it will be nice. It would be amazing to get to sit in it but I’m not gonna be torn up about it if we can’t. This chair was one of the things he made to sell to settlers to provide for his family.

I’m starting to realize in regards to my life and career that if I work my ass off for the next while, like the rest of the year, I could make a lot of money. I mean probably next year too. And the year after that. And… But seriously, I feel like I’m operating at 30% and if I can get it to at least 90% I could accomplish a lot of things. I have these amazing opportunities for various projects and I really need to see them through. It’s an energy issue, I get so fatigued so easily. But I think it’s because I don’t feed myself properly. If I had more proteins for breakfast and lunch that would help. I mean it’s really silly having a human body like “food makes body move yay” it’s so basic. Give myself food and water and sleep those are not unreasonable requests. But I forget to have breakfast, or try to pretend coffee is a breakfast food. And I’m bad about water, I forget to hydrate all the time. And sleep!? Pfft. I CAN sleep really well but also I have sleepless nights where I think of all the ways I was wronged, WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY. Or all the terrible things I did. Or getting into mega trouble with the law or something, I dunno, being put in the stocks in front of the art world or something. And not in a fun way!

I’ve been consistently testing negative for COVID 19 in every single COVID test I have done this entire pandemic. It’s kinda weird. I was in a situation not too long ago where I was in a room with a lot of unmasked people (and I was unmasked because I was eating) and I was thinking “OH SHIT if I get COVID it’s gonna be here! I just know it!”

Nope. Still not COVID, no symptoms, nothing.

I don’t get it. So many people I know have gotten it. I know some people say I could have gotten it and been asymptomatic so I didn’t test. I don’t know. I just know I haven’t even had a cold this entire time. Not since the bad cold I had when I got back from Berlin when the pandemic was hitting. It could have been COVID I guess. But haven’t been sick since then. I’ve been on airplanes with unmasked people. I’ve been in busy restaurants. I’ve been in movie theatres. I’ve been at concerts. I don’t think my experience is universal though, I’m aware it’s kind of an anomaly. There are others who never got it. But yeah, I really just wish there was a test I could do that could tell me I’m really truly vaccinated enough to not worry about it anymore. I’ve had four shots. I’ve been on top of getting my shots as soon as possible. I mask when I’m not eating. I don’t know. I’ve been directly exposed to COVID (unmasked to boot!) because people have contacted me to tell me they tested positive the day after seeing me or things like that, and yet still I’ve never gotten it.

So honestly my comfort with COVID risks is higher than most people, but I think it’s because I haven’t gotten it yet. YET. It could still happen. I still bring masks with me places and all that tho, like the mask mandates here are gone but I still wear them into stores and stuff. I don’t know. I did not foresee the pandemic lasting this long.

I’ve been doing a solitary post mortem on my last relationship (and a few other relationships really) and I’m regretting how much of myself I held back from partners or potential partners. I mean maybe people think I just overshare with everyone, but I don’t really put my vulnerabilities out there with partners. I mean even the fact that weeks/months will go by with me knowing perfectly well that I’m in genuine love with someone, I find it very hard to actually say the words until it’s over.

I had this really hard therapy session a year ago or something where I talked about all the trauma I had from my hospitalization in Montreal, and I was like, crying a lot about it and trying to explain how terrifying it is to be in four point restraints, and I think it was the first time I’d really been able to process it with someone. And then she said “You need to be talking about this, this is what is going to bring in your future partner.” But then when I tell that story to someone I’m dating, I chop out all the emotions from it and usually just say something like “I can’t do bondage yet because I was in a hospital in four point restraints.” But that’s kind of a bloodless explanation of what happened. I don’t know, I seem like a vulnerable person to outsiders, but in relationships I’m always guarding my history.

Because I don’t want people judging me for how poor I grew up, or because of what intergenerational trauma does to families, and probably also because I date a lot of settlers and I just… ugh. Dating settlers is hard. I don’t hate them or anything, it’s just awkward sometimes.

I got a binder so I wore it a few times during a week and really liked it and then my boob hurt, and so I stopped wearing it. But my boob got infected, and then I had to go to the breast centre to get it aspirated. It turns out inverted nipples are more likely to get bacterial infections. What a fucking drag. I always knew those nipples were sus!

Anyway, I’m on antibiotics now. I was on different ones before and now new ones and I have to see the boob doctor again on Thursday.

I really liked having a flat chest tho, and I mean obviously it has to heal but I’m not even sure if I should bind with these nipples of mine. Not if this will be a recurring issue. Cause mastitis fucking SUCKS.

It really confirms that I should get top surgery though, because I don’t really want to walk around with boobs forever. I mean I never had issues with them before, they always seemed like such friendly easy going guys. BUT NO turns out not so. Plus it would just be safer for me to not have them so I don’t get clocked so easy by passing strangers. Obviously I am open about being trans and probably can’t go stealth anyway cause I’m more high profile. But like, yeah, when I’m in a store I don’t want someone I’ve never met to know about me that easily. It’s gonna be a while tho.

In other news… I am very tired of having a broken heart. Like, SO TIRED. I know healing is just a process and blah blah but fuck. I’m dating people again and like, trying to put myself out there. But honestly I’d just prefer to lay on my couch and cry. And I’m trying to get all my crying in this month before I go on T because I hear it’s harder to cry. And being a super emotional person, crying is honestly like, relieving for me. Like I can’t do it in front of anyone but my therapist. But even alone I cry frequently even before I got this broken heart. So anyway, if crying is what is gonna get me over this broken heart, then I want to get as much in as possible before it’s harder.

I’m otherwise fine. Work is busy but when isn’t it busy? I need to catch up on some things. I really want to travel again. I know I went on a trip literally only two months ago BUT I MISS IT! I mean I wouldn’t go to New Orleans again this year. But like, New York would be nice. For like a real visit not just an overnight. And that’s pretty close.

I’m also starting to see my calendar fill up with work trips including my residency in Vienna at the end of the year and it’s A LOT!

I sometimes feel like I have too many balls in the air, like I’m just fucking up with keeping on top of my practice. I know if I had someone helping me with admin I would have, like, almost twice as much time to actually create again. And THAT would be so nice.

There were some people talking to me about helping me substantially upgrade my art career. Ever since I talked to them I’ve been trying to think of things that would actually help me. Admin for sure. Maybe an agent. Some representation by a gallery or something. I have video distributors but that only goes so far.

And then also just cash flow problems suck. Like people who promise thousands of dollars and then it doesn’t come FOR AGES!

I was supposed to get paid by a university I did work with, but they sent me like six forms to fill out and I got overwhelmed and closed the email and then I forgot which university it was with. All I know is it was an American university and I mean how many fucking American universities are there? The answer: A LOT! And I work with a lot of different ones so like I don’t know where it is in my email anymore. It’s lost to the sands of time. All I can hope is at the end of the fiscal year an accountant asks why they still have these hundreds of dollars.

And there’s other confidential issues in my career and fuck it’s just annoying. Like I can’t bitch about it or no one will want to work with me anymore.

Also I am having anxiety about how my career is going to weather me coming out as a trans man. I mean I’ve been working on a script for years about violence against Indigenous women and even tho I have an extensive lived history with misogyny against Indigenous women I’m worried someone will tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about or I don’t have a right to tell this story because now I’m a man. And then just worrying about all the times I’ve been slotted in the women’s programs and like maybe there’s no space for me in the mainstream programs, or maybe suddenly I will only get my work seen in the trans programs. And what if I don’t want to make work about being trans all the time what if I want to explore other things too? OR what if I do want to make work about being trans all the time and people just find it unrelatable and don’t show me as much?

I had a conversation recently with someone close to me and it was SO CRINGEY the way she was talking about trans issues and also probably she was a bit drunk when she called and ugh.

I mean I think I’m gonna start asking cis people what their genitals look like more often, since they seem very interested in what gender is in my pants when I think it’s actually in my soul. Maybe not. Maybe only when I am annoyed. It’s just been very clunky experiences talking to the cis people in my life these days. I saw this meme a long time ago with like two philosophers talking and it’s like “When trans people talk about gender” and then this photo of a little kid with different shapes and a teacher helping them and it’s like “When cis people talk about gender.” AND OMG IT’S TRUE! Like ok lady I don’t have time to give you a reading list of all the things I’ve learned about being trans since I was eighteen, and probably you don’t care either you’re just being an asshole and think this is funny.

Anyway. UGH.

And leaving the lesbian club behind is weird. I love lesbians. But yeah I guess I’m not one. And I don’t really feel like, fully embraced by the gay mens community either yet. It’s just a fucking weird transitional time in my life.

AND my heart is broken! And it doesn’t have anything to do with my gender but like, major heartbreak AND a major life change are two very big things to deal with.

So that’s probably why I feel like I’m not using my time wisely, I’m just processing all of this AND my therapist is on leave. I see my temporary therapist tomorrow and I don’t even know where to start with her. Do I start with falling in love with an emotionally unavailable person? Or do I start with this shift in my gender? I don’t know. I got a tangled ball of thoughts to unpack.

So I saw the doctor on Friday to talk about going on hormones and various related things (birth control and PrEP) and it was such a good appointment. She’s sending me to a Nurse Practitioner who has experience with trans health care and who works for the same family health team, so I just gotta wait until I can see her. I’m hoping they will call tomorrow to give me an appointment. I’m excited! Basically as soon as I see the nurse I can start hormones, like there won’t be a huge wait after that.

It’s so much easier transitioning this time than LAST time. Last time they still wanted people to live as their intended gender for a year and then get hormones. And it’s just a very long time to wait and people kind of pressured/bullied me not to. But this time, I feel good about it, and I feel good that my doctor trusts that I know what I want, and I feel more like I can do what I want to do with myself.

I did have a weird phone call with a relative. And cis people are also super good at putting their feet in their mouths and not noticing that they are being problematic, so there’s some of that with cis het friends. But a lot of my friends are also trans men and non binary people, so I’m not feeling alone. I do still look like a girl I guess ha ha only because I still like having my nails painted. But I’m hoping when my face masculinizes some of that will go away, I mean I hope I still like painting my nails but I hope looking and sounding more like a dude will help.

I went to boxing class in the park today and it was SO FUN! I got my ass kicked though, it’s a two hour class and has cardio and ab exercises before you do boxing exercises AND THEN on the way home I had to walk (it’s very close by!) but to get home you have to walk up this LONG HILL that has THE LONGEST STAIRS. And they are a bit older so a little steep. By the time I got home my knees hurt and my legs were wobbly. BUT it was still such a good class. And Savoy, the coach, said I felt solid when she touched my shoulders to move me to show me how to throw a punch. So that was really nice!

I think I might get into weights again. I haven’t used my dumbbells barely at all this year.

It will also probably be more impressive when I can actually build serious muscle after getting on T.

I was going to go to the beach today but fuck that class wiped me out!

Tomorrow I go to the lab to get an STI panel done, which I haven’t done in a while. I don’t think I’ve had sex since my last one tho. But now that I am going on PrEP I have to do these every few months. I hope I start having more sex ha ha ha ha!

I’m in a weird place about dating. Like I WANT to be dating and meeting people and kissing folks. But also I am anxious about the way my body will change in the next year and feeling like someone’s attraction to me is going to wane as I get more obviously like a man. And I just don’t want to be with people who aren’t enthusiastic about me and my body and the person I am becoming. BUT ALSO I am gonna get a t-cock and I definitely want to find someone who wants to play with me and my changing body. It’s complicated. Also I just don’t want to fall in love with one more person who doesn’t have the capacity to love me back. Cause I’ve been doing that a lot. Like I want to have sexy fun but I also don’t want my heart to get crushed.

But also my sexuality is way more open now. I am finding a greater variety of people to be sexy and thinking I’d like to kiss them. Which is why I’m going on PrEP. Not straight guys tho ha ha but like everybody else is pretty sexy. So I dunno.

I’m going to try and write here a bit more frequently to talk about my feelings around this.

I did have a lot of memories of the last time when I wanted to transition but was also manic. Maybe I was afraid it would be the same this time. But I can tell I’m not manic. I’m so calm. And I’m not talking rapidly, and I can sleep well. My mind’s not even racing. It’s good. This feels like a healthy stable place to transition from. Plus financially I am way more stable, and I don’t have to deal with an employer for my money.

It has been kinda awkward announcing it all at once. But also I’m a bit more of a public figure and I just wanted to get it over with. And I DID!