I think this is something that’s slowly been developing in my life over the last whatever many years, so it’s not a surprise to me at all. But I have decided to start taking testosterone and to ID as a trans man. I’m just honestly so tired of feeling like a liar every time I get gendered as female and let it go. I’m not a cis woman at all, probably not a Butch anymore either (although I still feel very connected to Butch communities since that’s where I spent my adult life so far). I think I just got tired of not being real about myself. And when I was in New Orleans my friend Tanya used he/him pronouns for me and I was like fuck yes, finally this fits.

I think most people knew I was some flavour of trans for a long time tho. Like I’ve identified as non-binary for a LONG time. I’ve been packing a dick sometimes for a long time too, like well over a decade. I was really particular about getting masculine clothing when I did my wardrobe glow up a few years ago. And so for me it’s not such a huge leap anymore to just be like “OK Honestly I’m a guy.” I think it’s always been there though. Like yeah I tried all kinds of different genders on, but even when I look at pics of myself when I was three years old I’m like yeah that’s a boy.

OMFG actually the irony is I think way way way back in this blog was the last time I tried to transition to male.

The last time was disadvantaged in a lot of ways. For one thing, the last time I came out as a man I also had a manic episode, so people back then were more weird about the idea of people being trans and mentally ill. Like they don’t go together. But I mean a huge cross section of any population is mentally ill so really it’s just that it was bad timing for my debut as a man. ALSO it was in Saskatoon, and I wasn’t as confident to be my actual self instead of following a more strict masculinity. Like, I dutifully bought clothes in the mens section, but ugh the colours suck. SUCK. Beige and burgundy and grey and navy blue and black. SO BORING. This time I am allowing myself to be a colourful man. Because I was bummed out in those more gender conforming colours. And also I think I just didn’t know who I could date or who would want to date me as a trans man. And I still don’t know who to date or who will want to date me, but at least now I know way more trans men who are having fun sex and love lives, so it doesn’t feel like, as depressing as before. Also I have more of a support network of other trans masculine people who are taking testosterone and it’s not so lonely.

Like, I got to ask my friend a ton of questions about hormones and transitioning and find out all kinds of things I could never find out in my googling. So that was really nice.

Also tbh I’ve been watching and reading about medical transition for like, maybe as long as I have been using the internet.

So on Monday I got a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria from my GP and I didn’t want hormones at that moment. But then I realized nothing was really stopping me anymore either. Like, I’ve given up on my exes coming back, so it’s not like I’m worried about turning into someone my lover isn’t attracted to. And my grandparents are all dead, so no one can tell me my grandparents won’t understand. And really I thought about the last time I tried to transition when I changed my mind, because I kind of did it since someone I liked told me they liked butch women and not trans men. And I was remembering that even after she told me that and I DIDN’T transition, she still didn’t date me so I mean what even was the point of telling me that? So I’m kind of like, ugh, I just want to live my life and if someone is attracted to me then great but I don’t want to constantly be trying to meet someone else’s expectations of queer masculinity.

So yeah that’s the scoop. I was ambivalent about the name Thirza Jean, cause in some ways I like it. I didn’t want to go by Sarain again which is what my name would have been if I was born a boy. But I don’t totally feel comfortable with Thirza either. So right now I am going by TJ. Which people called me even when I was a little kid so it has historical consistency. My pronouns are just he/him/his now. I tried a triple pronoun combo for a while but yeah I know what I want now.

Anyway. I also have no idea what my sexuality is going to be when I’m on testosterone, because it can change. And I’ve heard a lot of anecdotes about T making guys think about cock all the time. So I’m prepared to be surprised. It’s better than a gender reveal, it’s a sexuality reveal! SURPRISE! You’re gay AGAIN but for boys! I don’t know honestly, I still love Femmes a lot. But also I wasn’t treated super well by Femmes when I was dating them as a Butch. I mean yeah there was sweetness but also some sad hard feelings. I think people forget masculine people have hearts that break.

OH MAN And also I don’t know what I’m gonna do about all this crying. I am like, crying so frequently on the current level of hormones I live with. It could also be menopause going on for me, so I don’t know how menopause and puberty is gonna be like at the same time. I’m hoping the T helps with my emotions though cause they are HUGE like the ocean and overwhelming.

It’s kind of a shitty time in the world to be trans, but also I feel like I’m prepared finally. I feel like, LET’S DO THIS!!! JAB IT IN MY THIGH! I’m just finally ready.

When I get sad it’s cause I think of how long I kept myself from making this decision, and how much of it was because of pressure from different people. I can’t live like that anymore, living for other people’s comfort.

Also I think internalized misandry fucked me up. Like, men can be awful, and I know this. And so after being aligned with women so much of my life, it’s weird to be one of Them, one of those Men people. But then I think of my life and like, when I was a kid I played with boys, when I grew up my friends were often trans masculine people, like it’s not like I haven’t been moving in masculine circles. So yeah, I’m trying to just accept myself as I am.

When I originally decided to take testosterone, I was gonna do microdosing and go super slow and all that. But as the days have gone by since making this decision, I’ve grown way more comfortable with the idea of things testosterone changes.

I also remember those face app gender switch filters I used to try, and how they would secretly give me a thrill when I would see myself with facial hair and a squared jaw, cause I looked like a super hot guy! I want to allow that guy to exist finally. I think the world could use one more sexy trans man.

I just got back from New Orleans last night. It was my first vacation in a REALLY long time. Like, I literally just did whatever I wanted and saw tons of things and was a tourist for nine days. Or eight? I don’t remember. And I met up with someone down there who showed me all kinds of things. Including a swamp tour where we saw alligators!

To lure alligators to the tour boats, they toss marshmallows in the water. It was honestly so cute. The alligators eat them because they just look like big white blobs, and alligators can only see in black and white. I never knew that was how they engaged with alligators in the wild. Most of the ones we saw were about 4 to 6 years old so not HUGE but still like, I wouldn’t stick my hand in there. But the tour guides do! They try to lift up alligator heads, but mostly the alligators are kinda like “Fuck off! Where are the marshmallows?!” and pull away.

I also wanted to try eating alligator so I had it a couple times, once fried alligator tail bites, and the other was an alligator sausage that was cut up and put on a stick and deep fried. They were great! They taste like chicken. So that means dinosaurs tasted like chicken. It’s fascinating!

New Orleans was a pretty magical city. And like, such deep complex traumatic history. I tried to be really respectful of spirits who live there. I did go on a ghost and vampire tour. There’s real vampires there that drink blood and “donors” who help by giving blood! It’s just like my video game!!! I was just like shit I fuckin’ knew it! The ghosts sounded interesting too but not like anything I would feel comfortable experiencing.

I was staying in an Airbnb and I was worried about ghosts but it wasn’t ghosts that were in there, there were two of the fucking hugest cockroaches I’d ever seen instead. And like, the size of my thumb!!! My thumb is small, but still that’s not a size of bug I’m comfortable with. My friend kept calling them palmetto bugs tho ha ha.

I also went on a whirlwind 24 hours to New York City JUST to see Cate Blanchett get the Chaplin Award. She was amazing. I was in awe. And it was almost my birthday, so that night I went to sleep happy and woke up 44 years old. I didn’t get to see Todd Haynes tho because he got COVID the morning of the event, and Bradley Cooper wasn’t there either. But Christine Vachon presented the award and I’m a fan of her too!

I got approached by a curator at a major gallery that I’ve wanted to show in for ages. I’m not sure what will happen but it’s exciting, I hope it develops into an awesome opportunity.

WHAT ELSE?

I tried to be as careful as I could on my trip. It wasn’t so hard. I wore KN95’s almost every time I was inside everywhere. I took it off to eat. If there was a good open draft or breeze I let my guard down. I did eat pretzels on the planes, and Americans were just like, no-masking it everywhere. I was honestly shocked at their recklessness. I didn’t take a lot of selfies because I look less cute with a mask. BUT it was honestly not too bad doing harm reduction by masking as much as possible. I was concerned I might have gotten it anyway. But no symptoms, and today I tested again for the first time since I got back and the test was negative. I’m gonna do another test in a few days. But I feel fine.

If I was able to have an amazing adventure AND not get COVID, I am going to keep taking carefully mitigated risks, because this was so fun and also I don’t want to live on my couch alone forever. But yeah! ADVENTURE!

So therapy is going well. Sometimes I feel like I’m just flailing around in my own mess of a life and she’s watching me and being supportive, but sometimes I have great insights and she reframes something that helps me think of things differently.

Anyway, I was telling her about smoking weed, because that is happening again, and she got concerned because that’s a different level of sobriety than I was doing before. And I think I tried to justify it or something but later on she was telling me how I don’t have to do that. I can do something and not have a reason for it besides liking it. So I’m trying to be like ok yeah I was sober from weed before and now I’m not because I like smoking weed and it makes me feel better.

It’s funny cause I really do have to mostly stick to Mango Haze which has a lot of CBD in it but also THC but even then it’s not a super disabling type of weed cause it’s a sativa. Anyway I guess what I am saying is I’m still trying to be responsible and not turn into a slacker or something because I’m using weed again. Like get my work done and you know for the most part I HAVE been getting my work done. And the times I can tell my brain is mushy has less to do with me being buzzed and more to do with me having forgotten my Vyvanse that morning. Which unfortunately happens and makes me a rambly talker on panels and what have you, so I try to remember when I can.

ANYWAY yeah therapy is great, cause she also said you know I don’t have to justify other things either, like taking a vacation and that kind of thing. I can just stand in my integrity and be like “yeah that’s what I did because I made that decision.” I don’t need to give anyone a reason for anything really.

I made what I thought was a bad decision to write about my feelings to an ex. But now I’m thinking it wasn’t a bad decision so much as a bad but not entirely unexpected outcome.

I’m kind of not sure how I feel about dating right now just cause I felt really burned by my last romance or whatever. And not that they are a bad person it was just messy and painful for me. But I don’t know how much space I have in my heart right now for anyone. Which sucks because it’s spring time and people are horny and I’m definitely getting flirted with by other people. But like, yeah, I just don’t know if I can trust someone right now. I don’t even know if I can trust myself because I saw my last romance SO DIFFERENTLY than the other person involved saw it. I mean there’s an entire summer still to come also, lots could happen.

HA HA Oh right so the weed roulette thing was because I mostly smoke Mango Haze cause I know what to expect from it (and it stops my knees from hurting) but I’m also super into joints so sometimes I’ll roll up like, three joints so I don’t have to roll again for a while. And sometimes one joint will fall into a mess of things or whatever and when I clean up I find it again. BUT sometimes I’m not smoking Mango Haze, I’m smoking something stronger. So now when I find these lost joints, I don’t know what’s in them. And I have to decide if I can risk it or if I should roll more Mango Haze to be safe.

I came to write here because I am behind on a writing project due today. So this is my warm up writing really. I like writing here because it’s so low pressure, no one pays me to say anything here. I can talk about masturbating for an entire entry if I want. Not today tho!

I’ve pretty much adjusted to being a full time artist over the last four or five years I’ve really been able to do it. I sometimes think I should hire an assistant tho, but then I get nervous if I can afford to pay them. It would probably just be one day a week. Or one hour five days a week. I wonder if that is even allowed? But like, someone I could send to answer like, these specific emails. I would really love to reduce my admin.

Aside from that I guess this is what I am doing for the rest of my life? It’s not terrible since it pays decently. Like, more than decently. I am not living near the poverty level. Like it pays well enough that I don’t worry about money usually.

I’m working on this piece that I’m already in love with and it’s spinning all these ideas around in my head. I want to do a tribute to 70s film and video art aesthetics COMBINED and talk about 2 Spirit lives at the time. It’s been cool, I’ve been looking in these sexuality and gender archives and finding all kinds of things. Like a lesbian chain letter from the 50s, and a discussion topic list for a lesbian s/m support group in 1980 or 81, and some list of gay bars from the 60s called “Resorts for Sex Perverts!” Ha ha omg. I also found out more information about the lesbian bar that was in the same building as Filmores. Fascinating stuff! I love archives. Anyway, it’s been interesting to see how intersectional 2 Spirit people were in the 70s, like being in solidarity with so many people and causes. And they didn’t use the words 2 Spirit, they used Gay American Indians. Even the Lesbians!

Anyway, I am also learning nêhiyawewin again, in class setting. It’s one hour a week. It’s conflicting with a leather group I go to sometimes so that kinda sucks, but I am learning a lot. This class teaches syllabics, so we are learning what sound for what syllabic. And also greetings, like how elders greet a room. She’s a great instructor. And I mean we also learn lots of other things. I’ve started playing nêhiyawewin Wordle which is fun, I have won twice! I found my Cree-English dictionary which helps a bit.

I really want to be fluent in my language. I feel like it opens a whole side of me I don’t know a lot about. Like in terms of the way using that language informs your thinking on the world.

What else?

I am growing as a person I think. I recently felt distress in a friendship because of someone being very distant and when I communicated my distress she was really sweet and explained what was going on for her. And also I told her what part of the distress I knew was my own triggers and things. Anyway, my therapist thinks I am improving. Because I’ve been trying really hard to be a better communicator in important friendships and relationships and sometimes I feel I’m not getting anywhere with it.

I think the other surprising thing about this was that I realized how much of my own issues I was using to fill in the information I didn’t have about that situation. Like “Oh she hates me” or “I’m annoying!” or any of that. Like I felt so deeply dark and sad about it and then when I found out it had nothing to do with me I was like what? I’ve been holding onto this ball of sadness for no reason? WHAT?!

Berlinale is coming up and I wish I was gonna be there but I still know I made the right decision to sit this one out. I’m still trying to enjoy how exciting it is to be in the Berlinale.

My career was really taking off before this pandemic. I was in the Whitney Biennial, then I was in Berlinale, and then there was a pandemic that made people stay home for months. Like real fun ruiner. So many things changed. I mean my career is still going it’s fine. But would it have been different if there was no pandemic? Seems jerky to complain about a career during a pandemic but things changed so much.

Dating during the pandemic has also been really hard. I have met people, like this pandemic isn’t stopping that. But it’s not as easy. And kissing is really hard I still haven’t kissed someone.

I’ve been in a weird mood. I feel like I’m definitely in the middle of a pretty wibbly part of the pandemic. I’m not sure what my feelings are from one moment to the next. Some days are really hard, and then the next day is fine, and then some other day I am doing work and feel better, or just weird things. If I think about my emotional/love life too hard I get sad, but then my career will cheer me up. Which probably sounds backwards to most people but genuinely most of the time my career is the thing making me happy.

Anyway, I got nominated for a Teddy Award in the Exhibition category. That’s exciting! It’s my second time being nommed for a Teddy and I would really like one. I also know the project that’s nominated isn’t super queer except that I made it. Which was the same with the other project I was nominated for a Teddy. So I dunno sometimes I wish I was doing really overtly queer stuff in these moments. Except I am but those show other places.

What else? I mean I think we are all in a pretty wibbly state right now. A lot of death around us and sickness and it’s just hard. I don’t even know what to tell people when they tell me they have it. I feel like it’s so cruel how far we are from each other.

I got invited to a festival on a continent I would love to visit for the first time, but I’m too worried about bringing covid with me and infecting them so I probably won’t physically be able to go. I don’t know, my rules are constantly changing. Apparently COVID cases in the US are going down if you look at wastewater covid data. I don’t know about Canada.

Mostly I’m angry that so many world governments just abysmally failed their people. Even Canada. Canada’s too busy attacking Indigenous land defenders in favour of climate change to actually put in some kind of COVID strategy. We didn’t even have widespread access to tests until now. It fucking sucks here. And yet I’m staying here cause it’s my fucking homeland. Or close to it anyway cause I’m not in my territory. I mean the USA is also my homeland tho, the border crossed us!

Things are good and bad and all kinds of things. I don’t even know how to write my blog posts anymore when so much of my career is happening in secret. I recently got asked for a screener from a company that’s ridiculously huge and mainstream and it was so weird. Like me? Pervy lil dyke punk kid me???

I still think of myself like I’m a teenager actually. Like just thinking of myself still being at heart a little punk dyke whose inevitably at odds with the system. I don’t know.

I’ve got to do laundry today, I’m out of socks, out of so many things. I should go do that.

I don’t know why I wrote this post. I feel like I didn’t update you on anything at all. Here’s me going on year 3 of a pandemic in my apartment. Gonna go heat up pizza then do laundry for the thousandth time. WOOOOOO

I don’t know I thought I could check in.

I had to cancel my trip to Berlin because I had a dream about a dead bear with a human hand, and then I saw a dead bear on my FB newsfeed. And it was too close to the dream and I just got bad feelings and yeah, now I am not going to Berlinale. BUT my video installation will still be there, if you are there and want to see it.

To be clear I don’t mean EVERYONE in Berlinale is gonna get COVID. I just felt like it was too many warnings for myself to go. So maybe I would just have had bad luck and gotten sick and had to stay longer or was otherwise really messed up by going while most people were fine. I don’t want to chance it. So yeah.

Now I am gonna get all these Aeroplan points which could get me lots of plane flights. And I have some ideas but like nothing for sure, especially right now while I am waiting for a better picture of COVID right now cause the damn thing keeps changing.

I’m doing exciting things in my career. Like, some secret stuff and some more fun creative stuff and all kinds of things. It’s coming together! Ha ha ha. I really wish I had an assistant though, because I’m so tired of the paperwork. But then I would need to trust someone AND know I can pay them for a specific length of time. I used to be nervous about handing my email over, but honestly I don’t get very many personal emails. ALTHOUGH maybe I should start switching to a work email. Like dedicated to work and not getting emails from like, Betty’s Toy Box or Kink dot com. I think it would be nice to separate parts of my life like that.

I’m starting to feel like I can ease up on the weed. I’ve been getting low thc stuff, so it’s mostly CBD. But it does give a mild buzz. But I’m realizing sometimes I just like feeling more clear than other times. Like, clearer than even the really low THC stuff. Like not on it at all. So I’m gonna try and have some times where I’m not using it. Usually I stop in the evening cause it lasts for the rest of the night. But I could stop earlier. I dunno. Also I could go back to mostly using the oil because it’s more steady than trying to smoke enough puffs. PLUS I am remembering the things I didn’t like about smoking, like dry mouth, and the cough, and the smell. I dunno. I’m figuring it out and trying not to let old shame stuff bother me. It really does make my knees feel so much better is the thing, and I was getting pretty disabled by my arthritis like it was difficult to do stairs and I live on the second floor.

What else? I am making a film but I’m making it slowly. Like the first half was shot in 2018, and now I am finishing it. It’s got Super 8 in it which is fun. But I want to get more textures into the images, so I ordered a bunch of sharp and colourful things and am gonna experiment a bit. Its so hard to manipulate Super 8 in that way compared to 16mm. Like 16mm is just so much bigger. And these are teeny tiny frames. Aw fuck I should order a magnifying glass. Ha ha done.

I feel guilty buying work related things, even when they are relatively inexpensive. Like buying that stuff today wasn’t anywhere as pricey as something else I recently got. AND it’s for work. It’s just a weird work expense.

I’ve started a daily drawing practice, and for the most part I’ve managed to draw something every day since the beginning of the year. I am okay at it. I can see a style is emerging but I need to started getting more detailed after doing initial sketches. I just want to know I can draw decently for when I begin really working at making assets for my video game. So far I’ve drawn myself and the dogs and a friend. I also started doing Wordle like everyone, I only did two, the first I got in like five guesses, and the second I failed. So we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I woke up this morning feeling so bummed out. Then I did work for a while and eventually was filming some Super 8 and getting happier again. And doing that creative stuff that makes me happy. And then at the end of the day I was watching The Descent because it was my movie of the day (I am back to watching one new movie every day like in the early days of the pandemic) and starting to get sad again. And I mean also entertained but sad, about the scattering of community that is happening right now while we are trying to get this wave under control. And I did also visit two people on the phone and zoom, so it’s not like I was ALL ALONE today. I just had a hard day I guess. And yet it was also productive and meaningful?

There are still good things in this world. I know that. It’s just so oppressive, to see this unknown timeline unfolding of this pandemic crushing our social lives and making us so isolated from each other.

I counted up just the for sure international travel dates for 2022 and I’m basically away for almost three months of the whole year. I gotta figure out what to do with Posey since 2 months is one solid block in Vienna at the end of the year. Who is gonna watch her for two months? What if I bring her with me? Oh man.

I still have plane tickets for Berlin in February, and a couple tickets to Tori Amos. I really hope the Berlinale happens this year, because otherwise am I just going for Tori Amos?

Since I’m in the Berlinale I got to apply to Telefilm for travel funds. But I had to use my corporation. So that was a whole thing. I needed to open a business bank account, so I did but it doesn’t have a card I can use outside Canada. So that’s ironic. Anyway they were really rushing through the grant because I think they can tell there’s gonna be a rule against travel. So I know I didn’t make the cut off of Telefilm before the Christmas holidays for my direct deposit form. But hopefully that doesn’t make a difference, they already marked my application as recommended.

Ha ha what a boring paragraph.

I don’t have much, I’m being somewhat secretive these days. Not like I have huge secrets. I just feel more private these days. I do like writing these posts tho. It’s kind of healing I guess.

I’m knitting again. I finally got the hang of it and the knitting is more even, its meant to be a rib stitch but it’s all messed up. But I am trying to keep up the integrity of the messed-up-ness and give it some sense of reason. It looks pretty funny in the initial rounds tho, cause I couldn’t tell the difference between a knit and a pearl stitch. I’d taken a while off from knitting before this project. Like, a couple of years. And now I’m doing a dog sweater on double pointed needles. So yeah, maybe I should have done a scarf to ease back into it. Scarves take so long though.

I still have this red marino wool scarf for a future girlfriend that has never been worn by anyone else but me. I was doing some kind of girlfriend manifesting spell or something so I thought “If I knit this scarf it will bring a girlfriend into my life!” Which was fine, BUT the girlfriends I had after making it were not deserving of the Future Girlfriend scarf. And not like they were bad people, it’s just that they were not with me for very long. And then the last person I dated lives in California so there’s not a reason for them to get the scarf either.

That’s kinda good though because I need the scarf this year since I left mine in my mom’s car in Saskatoon.

I should do mittens too, I know how to do them. They are pretty easy actually.

Maybe I am my own future girlfriend only I’m not a girl.

Um what else? I haven’t talked to my friends much these days because my Mom is around visiting and then it’s just awkward to talk to friends when your mom is listening. She’s staying in a bnb down the street which is why I am finally writing here.

OH WAIT! I did have something I wanted to talk about.

So in 1992 around this time of year, I was starting to question my sexuality. As in, I knew I was super curious about lesbians and I knew women made me feel some kind of way. And I read an article in Sassy magazine about this teenage lesbian and just like, I think it was called “It happened to me” and it was lez positive but all I remember is being surprised that teenagers could be lesbians. Because I was 14, and as you can imagine I was really getting ready to not fake having crushes on boys anymore. And then on New Years Eve I hugged someone and got a MASSIVE crush, like so huge, I had to go sit on the couch and take in the fact that I was A LESBIAN. I mean I know the gender stuff makes it complicated now but also this was only 1993. Like, a minute into 1993.

So there’s something kind of magical I always recognize around this time of year in terms of the first time I fell in gay love. It wasn’t reciprocated. But it was a feeling that I hadn’t had before. And I’ve felt it a bunch of times since then. But this was like, identity defining love.

Anyway. I’m so glad things are somewhat easier for gay teens. Like, just having the internet could have been so radically different for me. On the other hand I did seek out and find queer youth groups and got involved in my community. In a lot of ways being queer made my life way more awesome, besides the actually dating other queers stuff. Like even my career wouldn’t have taken off in the same way if I was straight. Maybe it would have been more accepted though. But overall I’m glad to be a lesbian now.

So I’ve been hobbling up and down the stairs like a rusty Tin Man for a few months, I did get x-rayed a while back and pretty much have arthritis in my knees (and other joints but the knees bother me the most). SO I decided today to finally order some CBD Oil.

I have reservations about this decision and didn’t come to it lightly.

FOR ONE THING I have detailed on here for a long time about how I was a super chronic burn out for years. And how I got sober in 2012, and my life turned around for me. Etc. Etc. In GOOD WAYS. And I’m not wanting to throw that away. BUT I also don’t want to be in pain forever. And it would be nice to go up and down stairs easier again instead of walking down like a small toddler afraid of falling because one knee won’t bend or whatever.

I am thinking since it’s gonna be mainly CBD and very trace amounts of THC I shouldn’t get all ripped off it or anything. And because I’m taking the oil and not smoking a bunch of joints, it shouldn’t trigger the same feelings psychologically that I got from wake and baking for years. I’m gonna make a specific point NOT to get actual joints, or to vape, or to do edibles etc or any of the higher THC content products. And I never took oil to get high during my prime stoner years. So I think it will work out.

If not I will stop. If it starts going sideways I will stop. I know it’s hard for addicts to stop but I think I will try to make some parameters where if I start doing certain danger sign activities (like buying flower weed, or edibles, or seeking highs) I will quit.

And I also know based on when my adhd meds mixed with some cold medication that I HATE being in an altered state now. It’s just the worst feeling for me. So hopefully I can keep myself safe based on that.

Anyway I ordered it from the Ontario weed store website and we’ll see how soon it comes. I am gonna try keeping it to days I don’t have heavy work stuff going on until I know how it affects me. Like, Wednesday I have therapy in the morning and I don’t want to show up accidentally high (especially since it’s our last session until the new year), so I will probably wait until later in the day, after a work thing. It could be fine, it could not have an altering affect on me. Which would be ideal. But yeah, one time I didn’t take my ADHD meds before therapy and she SUPER noticed it because my brain is just kind of pinballing around the universe when my Vyvanse isn’t in my system. Also I know I will be a bit of a lightweight at first so I’m gonna be careful.

ANYWAY what is new with me besides my sad joints?

Well, romantically things kinda veered off course, or maybe on course but like in a more “We are friends” and kind of letting go of planning a specific outcome for this connection that started in August. I’m not gonna get into it much, cause it’s private. But I was always romantically available to others anyway because it was a non-monogamous connection, so in some ways nothing really changed. In other ways I guess we are putting specific things aside that are more date-like. I don’t know what I’m saying. We were dating for a while and now we are visiting but still getting to know each other and I still really like them. I think it’s more like, being friends who are potentially open to more in the future but not making a specific decision about that now. So it’s helping me learn to let go a bit. I know it’s exciting to get into relationships and all that but also a LOT of people know me and I think it can be intimidating to people. Like when I finally mentioned her on Facebook 200 people reacted to it which was kind of a lot.

ANYWAY that seemed like it needed an update just because there was an update about it in the last post here.

I am still working a lot. I tend to post a lot of ridiculous stuff on social media which probably makes me look like I live a life of leisure but trust me I do a lot of work!

Today was a nice day tho cause I just had a work phone meeting this afternoon that went pretty quick. I watched the Director’s Cut of Nightbreed this morning which I hadn’t seen since I was like, a kid. And then I wondered why my Mom let me watch Nightbreed ha ha. I went to get Posey’s special dog food at the pet store (she has to have this fresh pet stuff that is like, shredded chicken with friggen cranberries in it) cause she won’t eat anything else. Then I got myself a subway sandwich and took off my mask when I got outside because I was headed home but my airpod fell out. And then I freaked out trying to find it and had to give up. BUT it fell into my coat and was caught between my shirt and jacket and held by my round tummy. So hurrah for tummies! And then I watched the first episode of Call My Agent! which was pretty cute. I didn’t want to commit to 2 movies in one day today. That’s a lot of movies. But a movie and a tv show is doable.

I’m traveling again next year and excited about it, but trying to hold off on that until February. I just need to stay close to home a little bit. I’m trying to schedule more breathers in regards to my traveling. Because my traveling before the pandemic was not sustainable for myself. I had a girlfriend for two months and was only in the same town as her for one month until the pandemic showed up (and she dumped me) so yeah. NOT SUSTAINABLE! I was getting panicked about if I had children (which is still a very up in the air decision right now) and was constantly traveling, like could I even be a good parent for them? And then the pandemic came and I realized it was so easy for most events I am in to pivot to online. Sooooo I’m gonna try to hang on to some of my stuff being online. It’s a lot better for myself and Posey and the planet!

But yeah traveling sometimes is also nice.

I bought Tori Amos tickets in a city I am traveling to and I really hope all goes as planned. It’s a bit tricky because case counts in that country are going up right now. And I just don’t want my trip to be cancelled, because Tori Amos. I bought two tickets but don’t have a date to come with me. I’m not sure what I will do. Maybe go on Lex and see if someone will be my date? Lol who knows.

I just read some posts here and realized I never told you that Little Mister died in June. I went back home for two weeks to see my Mom and when I came back he was different, not able to stand up one day, and then I had to let him go. It ripped my heart out. I think I’m holding up decently now, but it was a big loss and omg I have to change the subject or I’m gonna cry.

Anyway, I haven’t been here for long (here as in this blog) and I realized I just haven’t written very much this whole year. Like yeah, LONG posts now and then, but not with any consistency. And things have definitely changed since my last post. I am still in therapy, she has been making me look at things I don’t want to look at though. I mean it’s good for me, but like oh man I hate being realistic about life cause I just wish everything could be hopeful and full of promise. And we had some erotic transference in therapy which has totally shifted now but I had an awkward conversation with her about it. I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere and that it’s a common therapy thing but it’s still SO AWKWARD.

My film has been going to festivals and winning awards, which is great. We found out about two more awards recently. I think that brings it up to five awards? I don’t remember. The feature script is still in progress and we are getting some notes. Things are moving. I also found out a webseries I am involved in as a writer might become a tv series if we get the funding for it, and ANOTHER webseries I am involved with is taking a while to get off the ground but I think will turn out well. I co-directed a film with Kiley May this summer that she wrote and also starred in, and we got to use intimacy co-ordinators because it had some sex scenes in it. So now I have directed driving, stunts, pyrotechnics, and sex! My skill set is growing! Anyway that film (Discretion) screens online at ImagineNATIVE tomorrow until Friday morning so if you want to see it please do!

I’m a really public person and it makes life awkward sometimes. I know I’m just like a total tell-all person (or so it seems). But sometimes I worry that pushes people away because they think I will write about their secrets online. And I try really hard NOT to. I mean if I talk about a connection usually I just talk about my side of it, there’s things lovers have told me that I’ve never written about online.

Anyway that is just a preface to say I have met someone who I am super smitten by. And I don’t quite know where it will go but we’ve been having fun getting to know each other and I definitely want to stick around and when I’m around my friends I am privately gushing about how dreamy she is. And I haven’t talked about them on Facebook, because I guess I didn’t want my internet friends getting involved. I do have close friends on my facebook, but also some of them are like, some curator who programmed me in one show six years ago or something. And I have ADHD so I have a poor memory of who some of these people are. That sounds terrible. But you know, fb is such a networking place. I feel sometimes like a bunch of strangers are standing in my living room but I guess cause I’m used to being emotionally naked online it doesn’t bother me so much. BUT that also means I didn’t want to let something so new and fragile be exposed to the elements of Facebook. I don’t want to give a lot of details about it right now because I’m not sure how comfortable she is knowing people might know she exists. Also because all of this is very non-monogamous and there are other partners involved whose toes I don’t want to step on.

But I really really like them. And it would be nice to be a little bit more open about liking someone finally, cause that is a good feeling. I dunno it’s like I feel really protective of her and this connection, but I also recognize that it feels good to get some recognition that you’re important to someone. And also it’s just kinda hard to forever hide that my heart has some sunshine glowing in it right now.

So I guess that’s all I have to write about today. Maybe I can try writing here more often again. I am going to Portugal this week, that seems like a big thing I will have to talk about since it’s my first overseas trip since I went to Berlin in 2020 just when the pandemic was hitting.

Anyway, the sunshine in my heart has been exciting, I don’t know the last time I felt this way.

I got one of those Quiet Play punching bags that you fit in a doorway and go to town on, and did three rounds! It felt pretty amazing except I think I need better cushioned gloves, my old ones were not so great at keeping my fist from feeling like mush at the end. BUT I did it! I’m gonna try and incorporate more boxing workouts in my life again. I feel like I did so much work before the pandemic in boxing class and then the pandemic came and my gym closed and I hadn’t boxed since 2019. I realized I really miss it. It was one of the few exercises I did that I really enjoyed. And like, punching something repeatedly is such a stress reliever. It takes all that pent up aggression and gives it a healthy outlet. I should really box more instead of writing passive aggressive tweets.

But while I was thinking about bringing this exercise back into my life, I was also thinking about the pandemic in general, and the things about myself I have lost that I really miss. I have lost some friends. I have lost someone I was dating and then lost their friendship. I have lost the ability to walk a lot, and gained weight, and I think my confidence is a bit battered too. I’m finally getting back to my prepandemic weight which like, literally no matter how much or how little I exercised before the pandemic I always stuck to. But the pandemic made me rounder and I really wanted to be okay with it but I was so happy with the type of roundness I had before and any time my weight has changed I’ve felt unsettled. Anyway that sounds so fatphobic and is really not something I think a lot about. I’ve injured myself a few times too which made exercising difficult. There’s other things that have changed. I think I’m extremely conscious of other people’s opinion of me, and it comes from being on social media even more than before. I just see people shaming others for decisions they’ve made during the pandemic and that gives me anxiety. But like, I can’t be a perfect person for everyone, that’s just impossible.

There are things I’ve gained too tho, it’s not all bad. Like, I am a bit more confident about making plans with friends, and organizing hang outs. Not giant rocking parties but like my friends and I went to a swimming pool we rented and it was so much fun. Things like that. I am slowly beginning to do more things that I was avoiding before, like eating on patios more often. And being indoors with people. I went to see Zola at the Cineplex recently, alone, and had a good time. And I’m seeing a therapist who has really helped me out a lot and helped me see things about my life differently. And I have managed to NOT have a crush for like, a few months, which is a record for me. I’ve been one of those people who jumped from crush to crush but right now, nothing. That kinda makes me sad now tho cause I’m like omg am I just never going to fall in love again?

I also made a lot of films/videos. Like even just in the last couple of weeks I completed an experimental short, a five channel video installation, the background video for a performance AND THEN did the performance. And gave several notes on cuts of a film I am co-directing that should be done in two weeks. And in January we finished kwêskosîw (She Whistles) which was a HUGE DEAL and is now doing the festival circuit. So I’ve been super busy.

And sometimes I get irritated by having to work all the time. But there honestly are times when I have NO work to do and am fine. And it’s meant I haven’t had to have a day job in a few years, I’m totally a full time artist. I even make so much that I’m no longer on rental subsidy at my co-op. I feel really fortunate that I’ve been able to get to this point in my life.

And then I think too I also feel awkward when people make assumptions about me and my financial situation. Like, a lot of people still treat me like I’m poor, but I make way above the poverty line. And it makes me wonder like is this having an impact on my dating life? Do people think I’m not able to support a family or something? I’ve been super conscious of class issues ever since my income increased and it makes me feel weird, especially since I went through so many years being extremely poor.

When I look back at where I was in my early 30’s, living on welly, drinking and doing drugs, not really going anywhere in my life, I can see why it would have been hard for people to date me. But then I look at where I am now and it still feels hard dating.

I think maybe that’s what bothers me about the pandemic so much. People are so afraid. And I’m not gonna say they shouldn’t be afraid. I am gonna say that I haven’t been kissed since February 2020 and I’m really missing it and I just want to swap spit with someone else who is double vaccinated. I mean I want a relationship too tho. But it just seems like fuck how am I even gonna date when people don’t want to be “risky”? This fucking virus.

And I get it it’s a legit concern. My massage therapist was telling me someone from a hospital she went to said there were 11 people recovering from COVID there who were going to need double lung transplants because their lungs are absolutely massacred from COVID.

But then there’s these fucking dingdongs who refuse to get a vaccine and are stretching out this pandemic and it’s like FUCK YOU get your fucking shots you assholes! I want to get laid!

Anyway obviously I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings about this all. At least now I have a punching bag so I can work them out instead of writing shit.