I’m chilling at home. I’ve been watching Chernobyl and FUCK IT IS SCARY omg. I’m only finished the second episode. But it’s like, so overwhelming to think about. At least episode 2 wasn’t as grisly as Episode 1 where people’s bodies were disintegrating from the radiation.

I was also watching Gentleman Jack and I watched an episode last night and was like “Wait why is she beat up?” “When did her girlfriend go nuts?” “Last time they were just hanging out and she was hitting on her whut whut whut?” Ha ha yeah anyway HBO just automatically plays the most recent episode for you, so I skipped ahead like, three episodes. Missed the courting almost entirely. Total bummer. Gonna have to go back and BE MORE CAREFUL next time when I watch an episode.

That’s a good rule for life really, for me anyway, BE MORE CAREFUL! I’ve found myself sort of crashing through situations and people more recently. And sometimes saying shit when I should just shut up. Like especially around/about cuties. I did have a breakthrough in communicating with someone I am going on dates with tho, because I really realized I FUCKING SUCK at texts/messages/chats. I’m like a million times better at talking with people in real life, face to face. I mean not when there’s a crowd around, but like one on one getting to know people or being cute with them and being able to read their signals goes way better in person than through these fucking texts. Like I have had people tell me in the last year that I am overwhelming in messages/texts, or sometimes I don’t know if someone is happy to hear from me and get worried BECAUSE of those people who told me I was overwhelming them, so then I fuck off and feel shitty about myself and probably make them feel shitty too if they actually did like hearing from me. I’d really just like to go back to talking on the phone honestly, that was a million times better. Or handwritten perfumed letters sent with pressed wildflowers inside delivered by a man on a pony. SOMETHING! Omg I need like, a wax seal or something, with a wiener dog on it.

I mean honestly tho if someone doesn’t want to see me face to face hardly ever that should be enough for me to know not to carry on. Although to be fair one of these people lives far away. Ughhhh.

I DID have my _personals_ ad come out on Instagram tho, which was cute. There were some cuties following me. I’m trying to be open to the future. Who knows what will happen. Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone far away who will send me perfumed letters with pressed wildflowers and four leafed clovers inside. God I love that shit. I used to be like, such a romantic, and now I just feel like I’m looking in the wrong places. Like, maybe play parties and bathhouses are not the right places to look for a wife. Ha ha omg I feel like a butch Carrie Bradshaw writing these sorts of blog posts. I’m sure my career is more interesting than this.

My career is fine. There’s some press coming out now about the Indigenous film program I am in at the Whitney, because you can see it now if you go to Yale Union in Portland Oregon. I got a check from them the other day (obligatory American spelling) with a gerbil and a chinchilla on the stamps, so cute.

I love mail. All my mail is bills and artist fees. The artist fees are lovely, I always love those. But handwritten perfumed letters with pressed wildflowers and four leafed clovers delivered by a man on a pony would be really appreciated.

I haven’t written here for 8 days, that seems like a long time. Anyway, I don’t really know what to write today. I have some work I need to do and I slept in because I was having an interesting dream about being in a crashing dirigible with my Mom and Steven. And then dreaming of being at this lesbian breakup ceremony/party where one of the people busting up accused an audience member of murdering their love by tempting their partner away from them. And I was just like “Yikes drama” and left the party and woke up.

I’m kind of tired of getting crushes on partnered people. It’s a special kind of hopelessness, even in polya situations, to know that the person you like has already centred someone in their life and there’s never going to be space for you as a serious partner. Ugh fuck so depressing. Even if I am a good catch, that person has already caught someone. And especially not productive when you are someone who has access to affordable housing and wants to move into a larger unit already and have a family. Cause no one wants to do that with someone they see on the side. And also none of these crushes I have had actually want children anyway. Which is also a pretty big issue. And my time is running out for government funded assisted reproduction, because it ends at 43 and I am 41.

I know lots of other people feel pressure to find The One for having a family with. And last year I was all fuck it I’m not gonna wait anymore. But now I’m back to waiting. It’s a weird life.

Anyway I have a fancy film gig I am working on right now but you won’t know what it is for like, another month, when they announce it. Which is fine, I guess. But it’s what I have to work on today. And I got tickets to go see the Distillers tonight, but I’m going alone. Which is whatever. I don’t mind going to concerts alone because it’s fine to watch things like that without someone next to me. But it’s like, maybe not as fun, and I was surprised when I was looking for someone on FB to come with me that none of my friends were interested. I was like omg but it’s the Distillers how can you not be into this? I dunno.

I’m glad that since I have moved to Toronto I have seen a lot of live music. It wasn’t always like this, in Saskatoon I saw a lot of small bands that came through places like Amigos. But like some of the bands I was a super fan of, they wouldn’t really come through. And definitely not bigger musicians like PJ Harvey and Tori Amos. And Janelle Monae.

Anyway I mean overall life is fine. I’m sure that family thing will work out eventually, just probably not with the people I am talking to.

It’s kind of a strange day today. For one thing, it’s my 7 year Sober Birthday, which is super exciting. I ordered a lemon chiffon cake for myself and ate a slice, gonna slowly work my way through it the next few days. Being sober for seven years is a long time. I didn’t even know I was gonna quit drinking until the day I did quit. I kind of knew it was not going well for me. I’d quit pot like, a few months previously. And I just sort of substituted booze for weed, and it was not a great scene. I’m kind of a messy pukey drunk. So I do blood tests to check my liver because of the medications I am on for bipolar, and during the liver check they said it was kinda fucked and I needed to stop drinking immediately. So I did. I don’t know what made that so easy. I mean I really did “party” hardcore for my whole 20’s and part of my 30’s. And it wasn’t really so fun, more like embarrassing. And dangerous.

I remember when I first got sober and was around drunk people I realized how vulnerable they were for the first time. I mean also they can be very annoying. But there’s something that sort of makes me think of them as large rowdy children and it makes me worry for my friends in altered states. It also made me think about my own history as a drunk stoned person and the situations I would find myself in, some of which were dangerous.

Some things I haven’t been able to figure out as a sober person, and it makes me feel some things. Like, I haven’t kissed anyone these last seven years as a sober person, because I realized I really relied on substances to be brave enough to ask to kiss someone. And sex has been right out. It’s actually been longer than seven years, but the being sober thing complicates all of this. At this point I’m not even sure I will remember how to kiss someone properly, and I remember I was once a really exceptional kisser and I just don’t know if I have that in me yet, or if the first person I kiss will be patient enough not to write me off right away for being rusty. It’s not really like I am saving myself for someone to be with the rest of my life, it’s just that making advances is really complicated. Probably falling in love with unavailable women over and over didn’t help either. Also right now I have Invisaligns and although kissing is supposed to be fine, I’m still self-conscious of it. I don’t really feel undesirable though, that’s not really it. And I don’t feel like “OH GOD I’m never gonna kiss anyone again” cause I know someone wants to kiss me and it’s gonna happen soon. It’s just that the last seven years were filled with hesitation and being drawn to the wrong people, and I guess probably figuring myself out too. I didn’t realize I would want to parent children, for one thing, which changes my long term plans for people.

I’ve gotten sort of better at my career in terms of making things happen. That’s a good feeling. I’ve been slowly getting better at meeting new people. I’m more productive, which sounds like a capitalist trap and maybe it is, but also it feels good being able to create so much more work than I did when I was wasted all the time.

Anyway, it’s been a good seven years of growth. I have a drivers license, live somewhere else, did a degree, had some career achievements. My psychic says the love thing is just gonna take time cause I guess this woman I end up with is someone I meet while traveling, so it’s not even gonna happen here. But I still want to put out the intention of wanting to form a longterm relationship someday.

The boy stuff is sort of always around, and not really related to being sober but was also something I was thinking of today. I’m really reluctant to say I’m not a girl, cause part of me is, I’m genderfluid. I’m not gonna do hormones or surgery and I like she/her pronouns. And I even still ID as a lesbian cause I exclusively date queer women. I like that my skin is really soft even compared to other women, so I don’t want to change that, or get hairy, or lower my voice, or read like a cis man. I like my body basically and don’t have dysphoria. But damn do I feel like a boy. There are some things that all point to me being happy with my gender, but still my gender presentation is fairly masculine. I still do my nails. I have pink hair but it’s short. I’m really contradictory but basically I still like being seen and recognized by femmes who call me handsome or say something about me being a boy while they run their fingernails across my skin. I’m colourful by traditional boy standards, but that’s just who I am.

A while back I saw an article about lesbian boys and I kind of scoffed at it. But now I kind of see their point. It’s a confusing thing. I like all my soft parts. But sex with me is sort of a fluid adventure and even as a bottom it involves sort of taking turns having the dick and stuff, and like treating my body certain ways that to the outside observer might just seem like cis lesbian sex but there’s something just a bit boy about how I like to be treated. I still need to explore it more, and like I said above the last seven years have been solitary. I like having my breasts touched and not every boy is into that. I like being penetrated too. But also there’s some interest in femmes who are fluid with the way they fuck too. And even tho I’m mostly a submissive I still like strapping it on and pleasuring my partners. I’m not sure where this idea that all subs/bottoms do is take and not give comes from. Anyway, ha ha it occurs to me this blog post is mostly about sex as a sober boy than as just being sober and also a boy.

I don’t want to say I’m not a woman though. I think because I’m never gonna have the cis guy experience. And also because I’m not gonna pass as a man. And I don’t want to. BUT DAMN I appreciate when people see the boy in me and recognize it and let me know.

I am back from the Whitney Biennial 2019! I went down for the parties/openings. I don’t have work showing in it until Sept 20 and 21st when I am screening two videos (2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 and Just Dandy) but I wanted to meet some artists there and see what people were showing. And yeah of course the chance to see the fancy stuff! It was overall a positive experience for me, I met new people, felt respected by the people who worked for the museum and appreciated by my cohort of artists even tho they didn’t get to see my videos yet. I think some of them looked me up though, so that’s nice. I felt like it was mostly a positive space as a 2 Spirit Indigiqueer person to be in, although I have something else that conflicts with that which I will mention later here.

New York itself was kind of a new experience this time, even though it was the third time I’ve been there. I found the people I met really friendly and open and I hope to return more often. Some people offered me spare rooms to stay in next time, which was sweet of them. I might do a workshop with another group of artists down there. I went to the Cubbyhole which I have heard about for a long time. And omg of course we went to Stonewall Inn for a drink, which was small but being such a historically significant part of a queer collective past made it feel really important and almost emotional to be in. Above is a picture of my friend Elwood, my Mom Ruth Cuthand, and I in front of the bar in the rain. Mom made a weird face cause it was rainy and she didn’t know what camera to look at ha ha.

I felt like most of my time there was trying to get some place or another. But maybe next time I’ll stay closer to Manhattan and not all the way in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Riding the ferry was sweet tho.

OKAY so like I had said I felt mostly safe as an Indigiqueer artist at the Whitney, and I think a couple other Indigiqueer/2S friends I’d gone with both nights felt that way too. But I put a bunch of other mostly Indigiqueer/2S/Queer/Trans artists who are friends on the guest list, and when they came they like really went looking fucking amazing and fierce and they were great. But the security at the Whitney followed them around the whole time they were there and made them feel uncomfortable. And in Canada, well Canada sucks but in places like the National Gallery and so on they would be a lot more respected by the security instead of being treated like a threat. They were gifting blankets to myself and the other Indigenous artists in the exhibition which was so sweet, but the blankets sort of threatened security, and some medicines they put down for the late great James Luna got confiscated. So sort of have some mixed feelings about that. I mean there is so much to be unpacked there but I really just got home yesterday and haven’t sorted it all out in my head yet.

I celebrated last night by going to Lizzo here in Toronto with some of them and that was super fun. I’m glad I got to see her perform in a smaller venue because I think it’s gonna be the bigger places from now on for her.

I did one media interview while I was in New York, which was nice. I know I am supposed to be capitalizing on this opportunity, but not sure it’s gonna totally work out that way for me, for various reasons. I’m just going to continue trying to do the work I do, which I feel is important. There’s a core part of me that is still basically making videos for a teenage queerdo that I was living in Saskatchewan in the early 90’s not seeing myself anywhere. I know someday I’m gonna find out someone kept hanging on because they saw some outlines of who they were and who they could be in my work. Some isolated Indigiqueer/2S youth somewhere in the prairies wanting some sign that they aren’t a freak. Or that maybe if they are a freak, that it’s a good thing. I don’t think that’s such a weird reason to make art.

I have been trying to come to peace with wild big themes of fame and attention and celebrity, and sort of who gets uplifted, and who doesn’t. And trying not to feel sore about not being famous or something I don’t know. I was talking with my Mom tonight on the phone because I hate having these feelings so I need to remember why I am an artist in the first place. She and I have both been making largely political work through our careers, and my father also. And Canada just doesn’t really have a system for art stars or anything. And when I tell people I’m in the Whitney Biennial a lot of people don’t know what that is. But then it’s like, do I really want to even be an art star? Like is that why I am making art? To be famous? I mean honestly that’s really not my intention with the work I do. I started making videos because I wanted to create representations of under represented communities, like teenage Indigenous lesbians, and then all the other multiplicities of marginal identities I picked up along the way and the people I grew to love and work with. Cause I remember growing up what it felt like to be a weirdo and alone and like I was the only one like me. And I didn’t want someone else to feel that way, like they couldn’t be complex and strange and having a sexuality that doesn’t involve men except in occasionally embodying feelings of transmasculinity. I’ve always said this in every artist talk I have ever done, I make representations of under-represented and under-served communities. I speak about and to 2S/Indigiqueer people. I’m really clear about it.

So I guess part of me thought the Whitney thing would be the big break, and I’d like finally be on the cover of something, I don’t know. But Canada is more excited about Venice because Canadians go to Venice and as a general rule Canadians don’t go to the Whitney Biennial because it was made for American Artists. But in a way this is good because it’s finally making me confront that old desire to be famous. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe it was some kind of ego compensation from when I was a bullied little kid or something. But does it really matter? Or is it really the art that matters?

When I think about my life and my future it’s not really like, driving around in a Mercedes or eating caviar or sleeping in king sized beds or even really doing interviews every week. I think about some really practical things like the stories I want to tell in my work, and visually arresting scenes I want to film, and children I want to raise and my home I want to live in and doing things in my community. I can still do all of those things without being famous.

And then again I think back to my under-represented and under-served communities and it’s like, yeah how can I even think I would be famous when I make work that not everyone can extend themselves to empathize with? Like some cishet people are just not gonna celebrate a kinky old fat NDN masculine lesbian. And it’s not that that’s okay, that’s just where they are in their personal evolution, and not much I can do about it.

But I was talking with Dayna Danger on Friday night in Kingston after our opening at Agnes Etherington Art Gallery and they were saying that they felt I made space for them and the other loud sexy challenging 2s artists coming up now. And when I think about it, maybe it’s true. And maybe that was the point. I was always trying to help people get video skills and encourage emerging 2s artists. I always kept it in the back of my mind that the reason I made videos with such DIY aesthetics was to subtly encourage other filmmakers and video artists that they could make something too without having the big production values and the big grants. And I guess it worked. And really that’s what I should be celebrating, that there’s a space for this work to be seen and embraced and people pushing the envelope.

People try to get famous in all kinds of destructive ways. And probably I could be more famous if I changed the type of work I make and made really consumable images. But I honestly didn’t want to be a celebrity, I wanted to change the world, and those are two very different things.

I’m so pleased to be able to say I have directed this short doc episode in the CBC Gem series “Devout and Out.” It’s a series about Queer Priests and Ministers. My episode is about Susan Beaver and her nomination for Moderator of the United Church of Canada. It was such a pleasure to get to know her as we shot this episode.

I find a lot of people in my circle have triggers around Christianity, which is to be expected from a community/group of people who have been violently colonized by Christian Europeans. I tried to explore some of the tension between being Indigenous and Christian in this episode, and also being Queer. It’s a very complicated situation for a lot of people.

And yet my Grandparents were Anglicans, including my very Plains Cree Grandpa who was an Anglican Minister. And my Auntie Beth is also now an Anglican Priest. And for a time in my 20’s while I was sorting myself out I was also a Christian (although I didn’t talk about it much). So I have a different perception of Indigenous Christians than probably a lot of Indigenous people who really reject Christianity. And there definitely are Indigenous Christians who have found comfort in Christian teachings. And I’m not really going to tell them they are wrong for that because of the bloody history of Christianity. Just as I wouldn’t tell Indigenous Buddhists that they are less Indigenous because they believe in something that isn’t “traditional” spirituality.

But I think Susan talks about all of this way better than I can. So I hope you watch my episode, and the others which are also on Youtube and CBC Gem. The series is “Devout and Out” and I got to work with a great team and I hope we get to work together again!

Happy Easter!

So the doc I made has been released! I’m gonna make a separate post about it cause I want to go back to blabby about personal stuff without being too revealing. I dunno it’s a weird dance.

I DID go on a date, at least it had all the hallmarks of a date, and it was nice and we are gonna see each other again. So my No-Dates stretch is over. I had a few other interesting things happen that I won’t talk about here. BUT I’ll just say that it more than made up for being rejected by two femme tops in three hours a couple weeks ago or whatever. Ha ha omg. You know it’s not even like that was this awful thing that happened to me, I think I was just so surprised that TWO rejections happened in such a short span of time.

I seem to be polyamorous right now, or like solo polya maybe since I don’t have specifically defined relationships at the moment. Just sort of romantic/sexy intrigue with a few people. But the last few years I’ve been so “Rah rah rah I’m gonna be monogamous!” that this turn of events, which could be brief I don’t know, is a bit surprising. I’m going with it! I’m not gonna talk about who these people are here though cause they have their own private lives. I think I’d probably only talk about a partner if we were in a serious long term relationship, and even then it would be neutral stuff like “My wife and I got a new dog today” or something. And who knows, in the future I could wind up in a monogamous relationship, I’m not ruling anything out. I am just sort of exploring sexy dates and cuteness, and playing with folks in mutually rewarding ways.

I had a mostly quiet week this last week. I didn’t do anything majorly exciting. I saw some experimental films. My short doc in Devout and Out got released on CBC Gem. I got some fancy art mail. I dunno, that’s about it. I finally bought a plane ticket to Saskatoon to do some shooting in August. Seems so far away! It’s not really. It’s already nearer to the end of April, and then just May June and July and then I’ll be home. “Home.” I mean it’s not my home anymore. But I will probably always call it home.

I have to do some shooting here in Ontario this spring/summer too, and I’ve been SO SHITTY at planning it. Ideally we would shoot in two days. It’s complicated! I have to get my ass in gear because it’s been due to be finished for a while now. And I’m gonna do it I am!

The performance I did seemed to go well, except for a technical glitch that made the video stop for like, five or ten minutes. Awkward. We finished with the backup file, which didn’t have the best sound mix on it but at least it was something. I’m still going to turn it into a stand alone video.

Here is a photo from it!

The Whitney Biennial is coming up, so soon! It’s weird to be like, featured at the end of the exhibition, when all these people get to have their art scrutinized for months and months! Ha ha omg and my videos that are in it are temporarily down from the internet for contractual reasons. So I’ll be like, down there to party all sober like the teetotaler I am without even being able to point to some art and say “That’s mine!” at the openings. My friends ARE coming down to hang with me tho at the openings which is super exciting, I think we’re gonna be so cute. And I still have a plus one if I want to take a girlfriend but I don’t think any of my romantic/sexy intrigues are in a place where that is possible right now. BUT I will be going back to New York in September and who knows maybe something more serious will have developed by then.

OKAY now I will make a post for the doc episode I directed, “Susan.” Ha ha by the time you read this you will have seen that.

Ha ha omg I swear I’ve titled another blog post with the same title at some point. Ugh. OMG.

ANYWAY. Things are fine. I got interviewed by Canadian Art on Monday so that was nice. I got rejected by two femme tops in the space of three hours on Monday too which was kind of crazy. I think that is the most rejections in three hours I have ever gotten. I guess it’s a good thing though cause it means I am circulating or something. But I still haven’t had one date this year yet. I had like, two in the fall, and like maybe two in the spring and summer last year. But that was LAST year and this year has been mostly nothing.

Someone told me “You’ll get snapped up right away!” but no. I mean not this week I guess. Maybe next week?

I have a performance at CFMDC on Friday that I got ready for yesterday. I finished my sound mix on my video, and I bought my props. I have been answering emails about some other stuff, and only today realized someone we need to run something by for a doc being released soon is on medical leave. So that’s tricky. I have to do a test recording of audio from a phone call with my Auntie sometime this week so I gotta talk to her about that.

I got an email from one of my current employers that they are paying me in the next couple of days and I was like oh thank god. Not like I have no money in my account, I just like keeping it full.

I got over being sad about that Canada Council grant I didn’t get because I heard it’s harder for contemporary artists in the particular Indigenous stream I applied to. So I am not applying to that stream again.

Anyway I wrote another grant for the same project to somewhere else and we’ll see if they fund me. If not I’ll apply for something else I guess.

I have to look at some notes I got on a feature script, and then talk with my producers about next steps.

Ha ha fuck this blog just turns into like, career to do lists. I don’t know if that is helpful.

There’s a Queer Slow Dance this Saturday, so I am looking forward to that. Maybe I can find the next femme who will reject me. Ha ha omg that sounds awful. No I mean the thing is the people who have been rejecting me don’t really know me. So it’s not really awful. Not like getting rejected by someone you let deep into your soul who still didn’t find you lovable. That really sucks and stings. Being rejected by people who don’t know you really at all is fine, it happens.

My Mom was like “OH maybe they are going to your facebook and finding out you want kids and it makes them run away.” And I was like “Well, I’m turning 41, if they don’t want kids someday and it makes them run away maybe they SHOULD run away.” But I mean I really don’t know the reasons.

There was someone who asked me on a date a few weeks ago and then just never got back to me again. I wonder whatever happened to her? Kind of lousy.

ANYWAY I do have some hope on the horizon it’s not all bleak. I’m going to the Whitney Biennial openings next month and a bunch of friends are coming with me. And I am seeing Metric on my birthday. And I am going to Lizzo when I get back from New York. And in June a cute friend is coming to see me. And the Distillers are performing then! And I am doing other work, like I am the camera operator for a video about 2 Spirit concerns geared to Service Providers, and later this month we start the Indigiqueer Video Workshop series so that will be fun. Hopefully we get more applications. Because right now I keep hearing people say they want to apply, but no one has emailed us an application. HURRY UP!

I’m glad spring is here. Winter in Toronto was brutal this year. So many snow storms. So cold! I want to see leaves on the trees again. And wear less clothes.

I think I need to write a press release or something before any media organizations are going to be interested in me being in the Whitney Biennial. And it kind of sucks. I hate writing press releases. And I feel like there were so many press releases about it anyway. But no news organization or magazine or anything has asked me anything about my involvement. And it feels like a big deal and people keep telling me it’s a big deal but I’m just you know, still that weirdo queer NDN who no one knows what to do with. I don’t know. UGH I hate writing press releases. PAY ATTENTION TO ME! Ugh. And it’s not like I’m hard to find, this blog and website are the first things that come up when you google me.

It feels like people should just be interested in writing about me on their own. But I guess no one is. And it kind of sucks.

Art careers are so weird. There’s this whole cult of personality that goes with artists and I dunno, maybe I do too much art for free or something. Like this blog. Like a bunch of videos I made with no grants (one of which is going to screen at the Whitney Biennial in September). Like people are always being “Make sure you get paid for your work” but to be honest if I’d waited for grants I wouldn’t have even started my career back in the 90’s. And I am still underpaid now for a lot of things. I’ve decided I’m not talking in classes for less than $150 though, because I am so tired of it.

ANYWAY I actually did make a whole new video this week, which is a fucking relief and weight off my mind. It still needs editing, but at least it’s done for my performance at CFMDC next Friday April 5. At nine pm! Be there! Anyway, I have a bunch of videos to make this year and that was one of them. I also need to finish my video I got an OAC grant for, and another video I got a TAC grant for. And another video I want to make in response to some things. So I guess that means I got three more to do this year? I can do it! I need to do some serious writing. I have some script rewrites I gotta do too. SO that’s a whole thing.

OH FUCK NO there’s another video I am making! I just forgot about it! I have a phone call with the producer later for it. SO that brings me up to what? Four! Five altogether if you count the one I just finished, cause I still actually have to edit it down a bit more before I put it into distribution. OH MAN.

I mean it’s really good I am making so much work right now. I am glad I am staying on top of it. And I feel like it’s been helping me grow as an artist every time I work on a new project. And I’ve been figuring out some ways to fix my script while I work on unrelated projects.

HA HA HA OMG! SO I just got an email from Canada Council that I didn’t get my big grant. Which is fine and all. It’s just a bummer and another year of poverty. I can apply for another grant right away I’m just not going to apply for that one again with that project. I don’t know what I’ll apply for.

SO ANYWAY ha ha I guess since I wrote like, ONE PARAGRAPH about babymaking in the last post, I have been thinking more about it and I kind of wanted to give a bigger update on what is happening.

SO originally I went to get my eggs retrieved and frozen last year because I wanted to someday soon have a baby. And that’s still the goal. But also a big part of me was just so fucking tired of waiting for a partner who would take me seriously enough to have a baby with me and raise it and be with us for the rest of our lives, when I couldn’t even get someone to change their facebook relationship status to “In A Relationship” with me the entire time I have had Facebook (since 2007). So yeah I was all FUCK IT I’M DOING IT MYSELF! And got that referral to CreATe fertility clinic from my G.P. And yeah that whole process of getting massive hormonal injections and then eggs retrieved happened. And while I was going through that process I couldn’t help but compare my solitary situation to all these couples who were you know, doing it TOGETHER and in it TOGETHER and helping each other out and getting coffee for each other and discussing next steps TOGETHER. And I’m like, alone. Finally the fertility clinic said I needed to bring someone with me for the very last step which was when I got the eggs retrieved, because I would be under conscious sedation and not totally tip top and able to get home on my own. And so a friend did come and help me get home.

BUT all the rest of my appointments were all by myself. And I usually can do things by myself, like I eat dinner in restaurants by myself quite frequently. I go to movies on my own. I live alone. I have had sex alone MOST OF MY LIFE. But I don’t know, after going through the process of doing fertility stuff I realized I felt woefully unequipped to have a baby by myself.

AND if no one comes along I will still have a baby. I know this about myself. But it’s so weird, there’s this situation that made me kind of panic when I thought about it and really made me worry. I was like OKAY so what if the baby pooped EVERYWHERE and I’m like cleaning him up (I have a feeling I’m gonna have a son but I could be surprised) and then I realize I used the last diaper and I need someone to run to the store and get me diapers AND ALSO some pop because I’m stressed and thirsty. I mean logically I know I could wrap up the baby in a cloth diaper or a towel or something and run there and back with him. BUT I just think damn it would be easier if there was one more person doing this with me. I don’t know why it’s that specific situation that made me stop and think.

BUT like I said in the last post, this year I am banking sperm from my donor for future use to create this small being. So that’s still steps that are being taken to get from No Baby to Maybe Baby. I’m not going on the adoption list because I have bipolar disorder and I think it’s going to disqualify me to adopt. At least from what I could gather reading about adoptive parent requirements, that seems to knock me out of the chances of raising a baby that way. Which yeah it sucks. Anyway, making a baby this way is the most logical that I can see. So that’s what I am doing. I still need to find a surrogate. Which is potentially expensive. UNLESS…

See and this is why I’m like oh fuck who is gonna want to date me now because I could have my future partner carry our baby. I mean I don’t know, maybe I am just hanging around the wrong people. It seems like a big dealbreaker. And it’s not like she would HAVE to, because we could still get a surrogate. It’s just very convenient if the other mother carries the baby. So yeah fuck.

I guess at least I know what I want???

See when I was younger I was mostly looking for partners based on kink compatibility. But now it’s shifting into some totally different thing where I’m not like “Ooooh how toppy is this Femme?” it’s more like “Would she be a good parent?” I’m sure there must be Femme tops out there who want to parent ALSO though. Oh god I hope so.

I think I was ruined as a teenager by anti-parenting propaganda. There was all this panic about teen pregnancy rates, so my generation was taught oh you have to be responsible and ready and making X amount of dollars to have a baby and have a partner. You need to be So Grown Up which is fine when you are a teenager, but when you sail through your 20’s and 30’s still feeling Not Grown Up enough to have a baby because of poverty, that kind of sucks. It’s classism really. And I’ve never even lived with a romantic partner. So yeah, having a baby got put off until I had enough money to pay for fertility stuff. And had just gotten tired and old. And now I don’t know the egg quality I actually have, and I won’t know until we go to fertilize them. So who knows how this will turn out.

But I really do want to have a baby with a partner now, and that’s made things difficult again. Because now I’m like how long am I willing to wait for this to happen? I already turn 41 next month. At least my eggs got frozen at 40. Ugh. I come from a line of long living people, like nineties minimum, one great grandma actually lived to 103. So it’s not unreasonable to bet I can do another 50 years and make sure my kid grows up okay and is stable before I disappear.

Life is fucking complicated. And my Mom was a single parent with special needs kids. Like it is POSSIBLE and I know cause I’ve seen it. But it’s the biggest difficulty setting on the parenting game and I just don’t know if I can do it or not.

There are things I think about having a kid that I really want though, like just the sort of emotional care that goes into it, and making sure they grow up with decent values and social skills. And being aware that they might have some of the same things I have, but being more prepared than my Mom was because I know how to live with those things. And kids are so weird and interesting and unpredictable. I kind of love that about them.

Anyway who knows!