I promised I wouldn’t talk about dating on my blog, because it makes dates paranoid. And so I promise I still won’t talk about dates on my blog. BUT I am in a situation where I have at least one person who likes getting flirts from me, and maybe someone else to hang out with which could be a date or maybe she just thinks I could be a neat friend I don’t know but she’s super cute. And then there’s someone else who asked me on a date and then vanished so who knows what is up with that, if she will ever show up again. Hello??? ANYWAY I feel a bit more positive about dating these days. I’m still technically a single person, so that’s fine. But I feel like there are some dates coming, or at least hang outs with cute people. AND better yet none of these people come from OKCupid, except kind of one, who disappeared. Maybe she will return. I deactivated my dating profiles though because I got sick of advertising on there. Now I just post cute selfies on Instagram.

MOSTLY I just want to get to know people these days and feel cute. BUT ALSO I’ve kind of put aside this pressure to find The One, the Perfect Person who is gonna be my partner FOREVER. I think right now I’m just kind of exploring what chemistry I have with people and if I feel safe and trust them then having some fun sexy times. I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me anymore. I do know I’m tired of waiting for the stars to align to have the kind of sex I’ve been hungering for.

I kind of know EVENTUALLY I’m gonna end up in a relationship with someone who genuinely wants to build it up to something serious. But for now I’m just trying to maintain my curiosity and openness towards cute smart kind people. Cause it’s kind of heavy if I come out on first dates going “I WANT A BABY AND A WIFE!” it makes people panic. Which is fine, it’s a scary thing to ask for commitment and first dates are not the time for that anyway. Like there are some steps to get to that point. And I know some dates won’t get there, and that doesn’t mean I don’t still want some cute good times with them.

Speaking of babies, I’m also moving into Phase 2 of Babymaking this year, which is banking sperm from my donor for Future Baby. I still need someone to be a gestational surrogate, or a reciprocal surrogate who is my partner (whoever that is but I won’t tell her about this on the first date at least!). But right now we need to do this whole long process and because of Canada’s wonderful semen regulations he has to have his sperm go into quarantine for six months. Which is a fucking drag. BUT ALSO I am pretty sure I won’t find someone who wants to be impregnated before the quarantine is up ANYWAY. So fucking complicated. SCIENCE BABY! I’m relieved the donor is still interested in letting his DNA live on in some Lesbian’s baby! ALSO Yeah I know it sounds like it should be easier, BUT MY UTERUS DOES NOT WORK remember. Otherwise this would have been way cheaper and quicker.

ANYWAY with frozen sperm and eggs, I will hopefully be able to make a new being in the future who has good looks, a great sense of humour, a cute sarcastic personality, and is smart and kind. And who doesn’t have to save the world, they just have to be a good person who feels community responsibility like I do and like my Mom does.

And hopefully after dating some people for a while, I’ll have a solid foundation with someone who wants to do The Thing with me and have a life together. BUT right now I just want cute sexy times with interesting good people.

I ordered a bidet before I got sick, like an attachment for my toilet. Not a whole bidet on it’s own. BUT ANYWAY I was sick for a long time so I didn’t have the energy to put it together. Also I admit I was intimidated by the idea of undoing plumbing and flooding the neighbour below me. So I left it for a while. A long while. It was sitting around in it’s box and I was having some kind of plumbing anxiety as I got healthier and had more energy.

BUT today my goals for the day were to take my recycling out, do my taxes, and install this bidet. My taxes are almost all done, I just need to figure out some more expenses and deduct them. BUT ANYWAY I decided to tackle the bidet finally. Because I want a clean butt! And I think I’d use less toilet paper.

SO the first thing I did was very wimpy, I tried to turn off the water supply to the tank. And I did a bad job, the knob was really stuck, so I had to put on a glove and then cushion it with another glove and finally turn it off. Then I screwed some pieces into the hose and the toilet. Then I had to take off the toilet seat to put the bidet on. That took a long time because I didn’t realize I needed to hold onto the bolts under the toilet to get it unscrewed. But google saved the day, then I cleaned the toilet because it was grubby. THEN I put things on, screwed the toilet seat bolts back in. Screwed the hose onto the bidet. And then tried turning the water on. It leaked right away. It took me a good hour of screwing and unscrewing and putting on rubber tape before I read the instructions and realized I didn’t put a crucial washer in. THEN it took me another few tries of screwing and unscrewing before I realized the instructions were wrong and I needed to flip the washer the other way, AND THEN it finally didn’t leak.

SO I tried it of course, and my butt feels clean. Like, remarkably clean. I haven’t had a poop yet though so obviously that’s gonna decide if it’s really this revolutionary new thing for me. But yeah, I like it! It’s not a fancy bidet, it isn’t electric, literally just a lever that shoots cold water at my ass, or cleans its own nozzle. It was forty bucks off Amazon. But I’m hoping it kicks my life up a notch. Like I’ll have a clean butt for butt stuff, or I won’t need so much toilet paper and it will be better for trees.

I dunno! We’ll see.

I scraped my knuckle when I was doing all this screwing and unscrewing tho, which kinda sucks.

ALSO doing plumbing sucks, I hated the way my body was all contorted while I was crouching or bending trying to screw things in properly. And it got frustrating when I was dealing with the leaks. BUT ALSO very satisfying to actually install it and have this thing now.

So I guess I’ll do my recycling and taxes next. These are just things that seem like a drag but have to get done.

SOOOOO I order groceries from Instacart ever since I broke my foot last summer, originally because it was the only way I could get my groceries while I had limited mobility, and eventually just because it was the easiest way to get a large volume of food into my house without needing to call a cab to bring it home. ANYWAY I had ordered my groceries last week or whatever and the order was fine you know, it went as planned. I had ordered .2kg of Irish Porter Cheddar which is my favourite cheese. The last thing I pull out of the bag is this fucking 1.2kg HALF A WHEEL of Irish Porter Cheddar. And it’s great cheese, but I can’t eat THAT MUCH in a timely manner before it goes bad. ALSO I didn’t really WANT to spend $92 on cheese.

So Instacart was great and gave me a credit on my order of $92 so I didn’t have to pay for this error. I lowkey felt bad for the delivery guy tho cause I’m sure he got dinged for it, EVEN THO I know it was his responsibility not to upgrade me to a whole kilo more of cheese.

ANYWAY I started trying to give it away on Facebook, and friends sort of offered to take some but no one actually did and I was getting pressed for time. I brought it to the TQFF meeting we had and thank god they took half of it. I ate some more also and had been joking with friends about going to an art event and leaving it on the cheese and cracker table. And then yesterday Andrew Paterson was having this Yay Celebrate kind of fancy get together at Trinity Square Video because he’s getting the Governor General award. So I went and left a very big block of cheese there also, and I think it got eaten although I left before the end of the event so who knows. It was a more manageable chunk by that point.

ANYWAY I was thinking back to my time in the DTES of Vancouver and how there was this ongoing joke about the cheese at this dive bar the Ivanhoe. People would come in and go from table to table trying to sell these wheels of cheese. It was frequent enough to become something of a joke like going to the Ivanhoe for cheese. I’m sure they were stealing it from somewhere and trying to sell it. I don’t know where I would go to sell a wheel of cheese here. Wing Machine? Oh god. I mean it was hard enough to give it all away.

I’ve had a cold the last week or so. It’s been a real drag. It only got super bad on Sunday. And then it was bad Monday but kind of got better but it’s still there. I’ve been upped to 40mg of Vyvanse which has been great for me, more focused and productive. But for a few days I was taking cough medicine and being like “Wow I feel high what the hell?” There was one day I didn’t take my Vyvanse until a few hours after I took the cough medicine because I had to go pick up my prescription. Anyway the Vyvanse kicked in an hour before the cough medicine wore off and I was like “WOW I feel fucked up and high.” And it was like, speedy ecstasy or something high, except without the lovey vibe, just the sweaty high feeling. It was fucking gross. I didn’t take that cough medicine again, it had pseudoephedrine in it and another druggy thing and anyway it was totally interacting with my Vyvanse. Major problems! I guess I can’t take that kind of medication anymore.

The good thing is I realized after almost seven years of sobriety I PREFER being sober. I don’t like mind altering shit like that. Ugh gross. The Vyvanse is treating my ADHD so I don’t get high off it, I just feel normal. But mixed with pseudoephedrine it’s a whole different horrible story.

And that’s what I have to say about cheese and cough medicine.

ALSO I did notice a little bit of a difference in how people treat me last night at this arty event. It was probably the first time I went to an art event since the Whitney news came out, and I dunno I just noticed people had this weird kind of awe. Aw man it sounds snotty. I don’t know how I feel about art star status. I’m just the same person I always was. Ha ha oh god does this mean I’m gonna start listening to Jenny From The Block on repeat and going “YEAH MAN!!!”?

So it’s finally public! I am in the Whitney Biennial! I’ve been sitting on it for ages and just like, amassing a large collection of nice shirts while I wait for the news to come out. Unfortunately I didn’t also collect many nice pants, so right now my wardrobe is like, nice button ups and shabby jeans. BUT I am going to New York in May when they do the opening receptions and so maybe I will go to Macy’s and get something decent from the plus section.

This past weekend I was at OUTsider Festival in Austin Texas and it was amazing. I got to see so many old friends, and be with an old girlfriend of mine I had dated when we were way young. It was nice seeing so much amazing art and meet amazing artists. I showed an early career retrospective of my work, 9 of my videos from Lessons In Baby Dyke Theory to Reclamation. People loved it. I was so nervous, I don’t know why I still get nervous. I think maybe because I was at the end of the festival on the last day, and everyone was doing amazing work. I admit I still have some insecurities.

Anyway, I was in the cab on the way back from the airport yesterday when they announced the artist list for the Whitney Biennial and I was like “OMFG FINALLY” because I kept waiting and waiting and WAITING to be able to talk about it. And now I can!

I have so many feelings about it. I think the audience reaction to my work at OUTsider Festival kind of made me feel a bit more secure like “OHhhhh maybe it’s time, maybe people are ready.” I mean I have had a LOT of opportunities, I don’t want to sound like I have been toiling in obscurity. But my work is weird, and because it uses a lot of comedy (sometimes but not always) people often kind of dismiss it I think, especially as experimental film. Like I’m not really a formalist of any kind, I just like making weird videos with political points about my communities and because I don’t know what other genre to put them in I say they are experimental. Some of them are WAY experimental tho, like not all of them are laugh fests. Although the two videos that will be in the Whitney are pretty funny.

I think maybe I was worried when I first found out I was in the Whitney about sort of, professional jealousy from friends. I don’t know why I worried about it. Mostly people have responded really enthusiastically and are happy for me. I’m trying to remember that we really do want to see each other succeed. It’s not a competition. Although admittedly sometimes it feels that way.

I think the other thing I was worried about was like, getting ungrounded and turning into a diva or something. But it’s been public for over 24 hours now and even though my name is out there and I am getting congrats from people, I also did all my laundry this afternoon, and I think I gotta clean the house, and I still have an ant infestation to deal with. I found another nest they are living in, in my cactus, and so I gotta use diatomaceous earth on it. I’m trying to get back into my work because I do have a couple of short scripts to write, a video/performance to make by the beginning of April, rando paperwork from other things that needs to be done. I need to update my bio and my C.V. Just art junk ha ha.

I’m a little worried about the public scrutiny that comes with things like this. But mostly I am trying to just enjoy what is happening for me. I’m in the screening so my work won’t be seen at the Whitney until the end of the Exhibition, in September. But I am gonna go down for the opening receptions and stuff. I want to meet the other artists. And see it in all it’s glory! And wear some of my super nice shirts. Hopefully I can get better pants by then.

I’ve managed to cobble some kind of decent living as a freelancer/self employed artist. Last week I had a gig from Monday to Friday doing video training with Indigenous youth from all over Ontario. It was sometimes fun and sometimes challenging and in the interests of being hired again I am not going to get into specifics. BUT I did get to fly a drone for the first time, which was so fucking fun. I didn’t fly it outside, just in this ballroom where we took the training. The instructor got us to fly in boxes with it and do take off and landing and then take a selfie. So because it was so damned cute, here is me with the drone taking a selfie of myself.

Ridiculously FUN!

Anyway, these youth got to take home video tech to their communities to make more videos, including a drone, 4K camera, lapel mics, Macbooks, editing software (the entire Adobe Suite), and iPhones. I mean holy shit those youth are so damned lucky. It’s good tho because none of them live in centres that have artist run production centres which is where I first got access to video making technology. I think more stuff needs to happen like that, just giving youth and others access to equipment to use anytime.

BUT I am a disabled pup, so it was kind of hard hours on me. We had breakfast at 8:30am and worked often until 6. And sometimes longer. And I managed to sustain it but fuck by the time Friday rolled around I was ready to go to bed and sleep for hours and hours. I usually work from home, so work comes in short bursts with breaks to snack and walk the dogs and even sometimes have a nap and an orgasm. But like I do work almost everyday otherwise. Just in a very specific almost lazy looking way. I’m always on my laptop, or else watching movies for work. It’s disability freelancing so I get my work done but it’s in a certain way. So usually these workshops aren’t as long. But this one was intense. And took a lot out of me. It’s okay I’ll be fine. It just confirmed for me again that I am not designed to do the Monday to Friday 9-5 thing. Like for a week, yes! But as a permanent job? Nay!

It’s funny because someone sent me a link to apply to Emily Carr to become an Indigenous faculty member. And like I didn’t even wonder if it was possible, I was just like NOPE! For one thing, the above mentioned reasons of having a disability. I just can’t have a full time job like that. And the other reason is I already HAVE a job which is being a full time artist. And I have all kinds of gigs and things that I don’t talk about here because some of it is secret stuff. But mostly I am busy and working. Once I was talking to a friend after I had just finished doing a weekend workshop that paid $3000. And she had a sessional gig that was paying her maybe 5-6 thousand for four months of intense work, WAY more work than it had been to do a weekend workshop for me. I’m not saying I didn’t work hard. I’m just saying proportionally I get paid more for doing these workshops and things than people get paid for doing these “legit” academic jobs. Which says something profound about the lack of respect and care these Institutions have for their contract employees. Like actually if I was a sessional I would be making less money than I am now.

So I’m not sure why people keep sending me jobs in universities. I know I have a masters degree and originally I had wanted to teach. But it’s not worth it right now to go down that route. Maybe in the future sessionals will be paid decently. But not right now, so they won’t get my labour.

ALSO just the fact that Emily Carr is in another city. I don’t want to move. Vancouver depresses me. And no one else was hiring me when I was there but call centres, so if I had to quit this teaching job I’d probably be back in a call centre trying to survive. And my career is better here for a bunch of reasons. BUT THE MAIN REASON I don’t plan to move is because I live in a co-op. I have rent geared to income, which is something not a lot of people have. It’s practically a luxury and it’s a nice co-op in a nice area close to downtown. I don’t have tons of space, but also it’s not like most of my income is getting sucked into rent right now. And I can apply for a bigger unit when I get a partner and family and stuff. So I really want to hang on to it. My portable air conditioner is not great and I might have to buy a new one. But that’s my only real complaint about this place. Which is not a big deal.

ALSO FUCK my eggs are here! ha ha omg. But it’s true! I have frozen eggs down at the fertility clinic and I don’t know how I would move those to Vancouver. It sounds like a hassle.

Okay so I updated my wordpress plugins to have Classic Editor installed so anyway, here I am again!

Well anyway, I was on some kind of cleaning kick the last few days. I was trying to do some woo woo stuff and harness lunar eclipse energy to bring a new love into my life. And I read a ritual that was all about like, working on the feng shui of your bedroom to make it more appealing. SO I did think about that but really I just realized my bedroom needed cleaning. It was such a fucking mess. It looked like a storage locker with a bed in it. Anyway piles of clothes got put away, things got washed, it is much better. It’s feeling like a good place to be in. I even put a plant in there and some crystals. And I can take selfies with the mirror and it doesn’t look trashed behind me ha ha.

Anyway yeah. Then I also cleaned my living room. And that took a long time because there were piles of things in each section. And anyway, now it’s better also and I am happy about it. Ha ha although there’s socks and blankets beside me on the couch.

I did old laundry, took out garbage and recycling. I have more recycling to get rid of. And I still have ants which is frustrating.

Anyway, it’s clean now and I feel more open to meeting someone new or getting to know someone better or whatever is gonna happen that brings love in. It’s funny because in the last post I just wrote I was talking about going back to Boxing and being dubious about it, BUT at the same time I know it’s a good place to meet people. I think I am shy because I’d be going on my own for the first time. And I haven’t worked out in so long. BUT YEAH it would be nice to meet someone or even just get out and socialize with people I don’t know while exercising.

Ha ha I just realized I never did do any ritual about love during the eclipse tho, I just cleaned my house and smudged it with sweetgrass. Which is fine and all. But funny.

What else? Ah heck I dunno. There ARE exciting things happening but none of them are public so you are just gonna have to make do with stories of cleaning. And thinking about exercising.

I might lift weights tonight and shadow box at home if I don’t go out. I need to do something but I’m scared because of my foot healing. And it takes months to heal completely. I know it’s BEEN months, like, so long. But I’m still terrified I’ll accidentally do footwork and smash my foot again. I didn’t even hurt it exercising, I was just walking down the stairs to go to the store and I stepped on something I didn’t see.

Anyway yeah.

AHHH ha ha shit. I always feel bad for people who come to this website looking for an official art website. And it IS an official art website. BUT ALSO this is a longstanding art project, this blog thing, and it weirds people out, and it probably looks unprofessional. Ha ha yeah and if I get hits on it from being linked by reputable art sites I’m gonna be like “BLAH BLAH BLAH I cleaned all week because I want a girlfriend” and people would be like whut?

ANyWAY yeah things are good. I’m trying to read more and watch more tv and films. I watched Broad City this morning because I finally signed up for Crave. Now I have Netflix, Crave, and Amazon Prime. I’m all set up! I think the last show I binged watched though was American Gods. I haven’t really gotten into something since then. I need to give more media a chance. It’s embarrassing because it’s literally my medium and I know colleagues always are really devoted to watching stuff even stuff that sucks because they are always learning. And I’m just like, reading memes on Facebook and laughing. ANYWAY yes I am trying. I am trying! I did read all those books at my Mom’s. And I am reading another one right now, Heart Berries. It’s a memoir, I like it so far. It’s the second memoir I’ve read recently and it makes me want to write about my life in a more formal way. Anyway yeah.

So I have been ordering button up shirts to update my wardrobe to a fancier place, where I can look good without wearing the same red shirt over and over. ANYWAY so far they all fit except the one I am wearing today. And it’s not my tits that are causing trouble, it’s my stomach, it’s just belt popping button gaping BIG! ARG!

It probably sounds dumb to want to exercise so I can lose weight and fit this ONE shirt. But I still DO want to lose weight and fit this shirt. I don’t know why it’s so hard to just BUY a new shirt. Ha ha anyway, I could only exercise tonight if I do go to boxing, because the rest of the week things are happening or I am out of town. I dunno. I had some food, I might still have the energy at 6 to work out. It would be the first time going since I broke my foot, months ago, and I am nervous about that. I’d probably skip the footwork.

What else? Little Mister is okay, but we are going to the ophthalmologist on Thursday morning to get his eyes looked at and find out what is going on. Most of his tests came back perfectly normal, no diabetes, no addison’s. He had higher cortisol so it still COULD be cushings but also he’s fine otherwise. He might be going blind in one eye though. And there could be many reasons for that, including brain stuff. So he’s gonna get checked out.

FUCK I hate this new text editor on WordPress. It puts something over top of my writing that makes it difficult to read and type. I need to find the plug in to make it go away.

So I’m back in Toronto. I had to do work days when I got back, and then I had to go to the dentist yesterday, and today was the vet. The vet visit is not quite done, she took blood and urine samples because she suspects he has an endocrine disease like diabetes, cushings, thyroid disease, or even kidney disease. I’m hoping its something that is manageable and treatable. He’s still a bouncy happy kind of guy, wags his tail a lot. I know he’s not suffering but I’m still feeling I’ll be saying a goodbye this year. I love him so much and he’s been a constant companion since I was 28. That’s a long time. Like 12 years with him, he’s 13 now. He’s seen me through some rough times and helped me survive. So whatever happens I want him to keep his dignity and be properly cared for.

He was so scared at the vet’s office today. He was shaking and panting. Awww my poor boy. He’s fine now that he’s home. Having a snooze, which is what I should do too because I feel so tired. I gave him some wet food when we got home so he could have a treat.

He’s over 18 pounds now! That’s so big! I thought maybe he was losing weight because he’s been on a diet the last month. But it could also be weight gain related to one of these diseases.

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say about him right now. They are gonna call me later with results and next steps. I should have a nap so I can listen properly.

I’m trying to get caught up on my work again. I owe two people video files, and they are being sent as I type. I am chatting with someone about making a video and I have some other video work coming my way, not to mention two videos I have grants to finish. One has a final report coming up soon, so I gotta ask for a five month extension. I’m trying to keep up with emails. I also ordered some really nice clothes from the UK and I am waiting for them to show up but the tracking ended at “Your parcel is leaving the UK” and when I try to continue tracking in Canada, Canada Post has no idea where it is.

I’m updating my wardrobe right now. I have a package of NICE SHIRTS waiting for me at my post office back home. I had to call for them to hang on to them for longer. I’m not going home until Friday, and then I go straight to a work thing so I can’t pick them up until Sunday. My dog is showing some worrying symptoms so he has a vet appointment in a week after we come home. I’m really missing home and I feel like my whole life is there now and I want to go back.

But yeah I am trying to dress better. I don’t know, I just feel like maybe 40 is too old to wear a t-shirt everyday of my life. Plus who knows I might get famous and I don’t want to wear the same wardrobe as fucking Mark Zuckerberg. Like yes I like bunnyhugs but also oh man don’t let that become my signature.

What else is up with me? I love my work. I am pretty happy with my life. I feel fortunate most of the time. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I’m pleased with that. I feel self conscious sometimes of my success around people who are struggling. BUT ALSO there were many many many years where I was mostly struggling too and wasting my time in call centres because I couldn’t make a living in my field. So in a way I don’t feel so bad. I definitely paid my dues.

I guess mostly I am trying to just concentrate on doing the things that make me happy, like being involved with TQFF, and making my films, and writing here and there, and knitting new things, and reading good books, and all sorts of little random hobbies and routines that make me pretty content. I waver between wanting to run out and find a girlfriend and also just being happy being single right now and doing my own thing. I feel like being happy with myself and my life is really the important thing right now.

My Invisalign treatment is going awesome. I’m going to tray ten this Sunday after I get home. It’s made a big difference already. Sometimes my teeth hurt when I am chewing on things. But mostly it’s been fine, and I’m glad my mouth is changing.

New Clothes! Straight teeth! So exciting! And work is great, I’ll always be into it. I’m glad I’ve had something to work towards for 24 years.