I made a level of my video game! It’s not the first level. It’s more of the interstitial level when she’s got to run through the cemetery to find and get to her crypt.

Carmilla Cemetery Level from TJ Cuthand on Vimeo.

It was a lot of work but I’m mostly pleased with it. There are minor edits I want to do, like there’s a couple white spots in her hair that look weird. And I think the Sun Timer needs a bit of adjusting to be just right, just moving one image a little more up.

I’m working on the street level now which is gonna be some stores and things and a couple places she can go into and be in another level. I have to figure out how to keep timers and info across levels, so that will be a challenge.

But also it’s been fun to do all this troubleshooting and coding by myself. I’ve solved most of my issues by doing deep googling about other people’s c# codes to get things to do things. And also by going back to my old video game and comparing code there to code here.

I’ve been having a good time in Vienna, people I’ve met have been very friendly. We had studio visits for Vienna Art Week today and it was long. Plus some jerk played really loud EDM downstairs on the street near where I sleep at 2 or 3 am so I was tired. After the studio visits I came back here and had a long nap.

I went on a ghost tour and saw where Elizabeth Bathory used to live, the countess who murdered 600 people to bathe in their blood. So intense! Of course people still live there because why not, so while the guide was telling us about it there’d be like, people coming out to walk their dog or take their trash out. Kinda funny.

I got a train ticket to Salzburg and an AirBnb for a night so that I can see a Krampus Run. There’s supposed to be 900 Krampuses there!!!

I also got a Krampus chocolate.

Fuckin’ cutest thing I ever saw. I got another one for my friend Terri and now I have to figure out how to bring it back without squishing it. It’s hollow I think, so maybe I can get a box or something.

My German sucks. I’ve mostly gotten around with English. But I did learn a word today, Jetzt, just means Now and the only reason I know it is because it’s in all these youtube ads. STILL!! One new word!

Aside from Vampires and Krampus, I’m taking this next week to finish Evil Fire. I got some last notes on it and I’m going to hopefully be done before I go off to see the multiple Krampuses on Saturday. And then hand it in on Monday. We’re gonna try and get production financing so we can shoot next year, and it’s SO CLOSE to being done. Just needs these last changes. So that’s exciting and will also take a big project off my plate for a while.

Someone got hacked on Instagram but they were sending me sms messages to reset my instagram password and I got creeped out and unfollowed both her new profile and her old profile because I didn’t know what was happening or who was the Imposter. I am sure I will find out later.

Twitter is dying, or so they say. It looks pretty battered. I’m glad all those people quit on him, he made such a toxic work environment so fast. I would def not put up with that.

It’s finally time for me to do the Vienna Residency and I am here! I have a nice studio, lots of room. The bed is small but decent. There’s a washing machine in here which is nice, and a tiny dishwasher. I finally went to the supermarket today to get some things and it’s so close, like on the next corner down the way. I got some currants which I never see in Canada. I also got some breakfast things and snack things. I went back for more snacks because I needed something salty. I’m trying to avoid candy and chocolate (I’ll prob have some chocolate though) because of the pre-diabetic thing. I hope this helps. I am staying across the street from a really cute bakery though so I might eat pastries once in a while.

I’ve been constantly working the last several days so I took yesterday to rest most of the time, I was all jet lagged yesterday also so I needed it. Today has been better. I am going to try and get some work done tomorrow though, probably on my script and also my video game. I watched a tutorial on making a maze in Unity 2D, so it’s helping me come up with ideas for the cemetery level. I’m really stuck on how to draw the main character. A Bipolar Journey was so easy to draw because they were just giant heads rolling around. But I’m not sure I want to do the same thing with this character. I mean I guess she could just be a head with vampire fangs. It would make it easier to have her moving through the world that way. Ha ha omg this reminds me of that French and Saunders skit where they are being a famous art couple and the interviewer is asking Jennifer why she draws people with hands behind their back and French comes along and goes “She can’t draw fingers!” Ha ha all the cheesy Britcom lines that live in my head. That was a funny episode tho.

I had kind of a rough few days. I had some conflict that was very emotionally abusive and violent towards me and it sucked. I don’t really want to talk about it much, and I know largely it was about the other persons shit. But it still sucks to get dumped on. Anyway, oddly enough it kind of turned around my depression just because I knew all the things they were telling me were wrong and they were deliberately trying to get a rise out of me. Still sucked but I had therapy right after that and it went really well, just like processing this huge conflict.

My therapist and I were worried she wouldn’t be able to work with me remotely while I am here. But it was ok with her insurance and the Ontario college of whatever (I’m sorry I just don’t feel like looking up the name that regulates therapists) and then it was just trying to see if Austria would allow it. And there was a delay finding out because my therapist had to write to them in English and they weren’t responding right away. But today we found out from them that it is fine. So I’m relieved to be able to see her again next week, online. I was prepared to not be able to see her, so this is a happy surprise. Especially because I was talking to her about noticing myself standing up for myself more and being happy about it. And wondering how events in the past would have unfolded differently if they happened today. Like, if I met my ex this year, I might have been more inclined to leave after not being treated right for a long time. I mean the thing is it wouldn’t have happened for a long time, I think I would have recognized a lost cause faster and left the situation earlier.

I’m not really looking for love right now. I get on Tinder and don’t really care. Grindr is meh. I DID have a Grindr hookup and it was fun in some ways and kinda awkward in other ways. He was a nice guy, I think it just wasn’t ideal. But also I’m not sure I care about sex or love right now. I was super horny for a while but I think I just got too stressed out with everything to think about sex or love. It’s fine, I’ll care about it some other time. Right now I’m just focused on my work. I need to get two scripts done and also a video game and also a webseries.

I ordered some coveralls for my webseries. I hope they arrive ok. I’m a bit dubious about my address. I’m not really doing ubereats here either because I’m not sure how to let them know which door to come to, and its like, a block long complex so a long walk if they go to the wrong door.

I was trying to pay Telefilm back money that I got way back at the beginning of the year but didn’t use (it was travel funds to go to Berlin but some variant was really popular at the time and I wasn’t traveling after all) and I’m just having so much trouble. I went to a bank today (not my branch but the same bank) and spent half an hour trying to get them to do a direct deposit but they said they could only do a wire transfer and then none of us knew what the address was for the actual organization I was paying (and it’s the government also so does it have an address??) Anyway, no dice. I’m going to try again on Halloween but after then I’m gone so I won’t be able to pay it until January. So, that’s an annoying bank task. I wish telefilm gave me the direct deposit info a long time ago so I could have settled this already.

Anyway what else? I was on a panel, it was nice. I got stressed at the bank tho so that kind of puts a downer on my day. BUT food is coming soon, so hopefully that makes me feel better.

My T levels are already almost in normal range. A lower but normal level for T is 8.64 and I’m at 8.3, even though I’m only taking 30mg right now. I got the go ahead to increase my dose, so that’s exciting. I’m going up to 40mg. Which will definitely put me in a typical range. I’m surprised honestly, I thought it would take a lot more T to get me to this level. BUT ALSO going on testosterone seems to be pushing me into pre-diabetic existence. Which sucks. But also I want to be more obviously a man. So yeah, going to 40mg and then trying to have less sugar is basically the plan my trans health care nurse and I decided on. Because otherwise I might have gone up further, but really it’s so close to normal T levels that I don’t have to. And I did drink a lot of full sugar coke which is like, terrible, although delicious. So yeah.

BUT it’s true that some more changes were happening on the 30mg dose than the 20mg dose. I noticed my voice lowering a little bit. I’ve been getting more bottom growth. I still haven’t noticed body hair changing much, it’s fairly smooth. But my sideburn peach fuzz is getting a bit longer. Like, incrementally though. My face is shifting a tiny bit, my cheeks aren’t as round as they used to be. That’s actually funny because when I noticed it I remembered so many times I’d looked at photos of my face and felt it wasn’t quite what I was supposed to look like, and having round cheeks was one of the things that made me feel weird. My sex drive is higher for sure also, I haven’t met up with anyone from Grindr yet but it will probably happen, and even without meeting guys it’s been fun to sext people and just be raunchy. That’s definitely an energy I didn’t get when I was trying to be a lesbian. I don’t know why. I think talking to women on apps is just different.

I still feel very romantically oriented to women and non-binary people, it’s really not changing yet. I know things happen though but right now when I think of being with someone in a long term sense I still want to be with a Femme. But who knows, I don’t know, I’m trying not to predict things anymore. But yeah when I get butterflies it’s typically still for women, Femmes, nonbinary people.

I’m excited to go travel for the rest of the year. Or like, live in Austria for two months anyway. I might be able to travel while I’m there, but also I might save money and just stay at the residency the whole time. I’ve got chunks of money coming in, but its a slow uneven trickle, and I’m trying to avoid having to borrow money. I think I’ll be ok, most of the people paying me are direct depositing my money. And it should all come in the next couple of weeks I think.

I was charged for the hotel room in Boulder and then had to get the University to talk to the manager to reverse charges. Such a drag! I was worried it would take a long time to go through, but it wasn’t too bad. Had VERY LITTLE space on my credit card for a while though. Money is so stressful. Like, it is always coming in, but sometimes shit happens. Or sometimes it doesn’t come when you need it. I still have my RSP, but I’m not gonna be able to make an appointment to borrow any from there until January anyway. Which is fine, I don’t want to touch it again.

I’m depressed because of the depo-provera I’m been taking. My body hates progesterone, and I guess I should have known because I had to get off birth control pills before, and because when I got the trigger shot for my egg retrieval, I got super depressed after. Anyway now I just have to wait for it to leave my system. I’m on a list to get my tubes tied so I don’t have to worry about sex with people with sperm. I could only ever get an ectopic pregnancy but that scares me and is bad so yeah. I’d rather do a one time surgery than try taking ongoing birth control that would hurt or make me feel like this forever. UGH. No thank you.

Mostly things are objectively good. Like if I look at it from outside of my depression, things are fine. I have stable safe housing. My career is fine. My transition is going well. I could have a better relationship with my family, but that’s being worked on. I was finally after years of stress able to set a boundary around a relative’s presence in my life (or rather, to have a preferred absence). And my therapist is back so I don’t have to be without her except for the upcoming winter holiday season when she takes time off. OMG I totally used to always say “Christmas season” and then finally there were enough people who didn’t celebrate it at all in my life that I’ve replaced it with Winter Holiday Season which is longer and clunkier but more accurate. I suppose I could have also just called it the Solstice. I don’t know if I’m witchy enough though to go around celebrating the solstice. I wish I knew more about traditional Cree celebrations. Ahh we probably did celebrate the Solstice.

I tried really hard to stay home as much as possible this summer, because I knew I was gonna spend a lot of time out of the country this year. But today my dog went to her sitter for the rest of the year while I start the first of three trips. There’s two this month to the USA. Then next month I’m in Austria until the end of the year doing a residency. I’m gonna have people checking on my place so I’m not totally abandoning it or anything. Anyway. I packed today, and charged my trusty hitachi, and did my dishes so there’s nothing gross growing in the sink while I’m gone. I am coming back soon though, for long enough to attend ImagineNATIVE as just an audience member. No tensions! Just films!

I also managed to work out seeing my therapist throughout these trips. I think since I am maintaining a residence in Ontario it’s fine. We had a session back when I was in New Orleans, the internet was terrible but hopefully the wifi in Vienna is better. If it’s not I’ll hotspot my phone I guess. I’m going to buy a sim card while I’m there so that I don’t have to pay roaming charges.

I miss my pup already.

Tomorrow I go to Boulder Colorado. I don’t remember if I’ve been to Colorado before. I’ve been to a lot of Western states but I don’t know if that was included.

I hope my dog is ok. She is spending time with a larger dog and has issues.

I’ve watched all the tarot youtubes there are to watch. And I realize it just makes me spin around in circles. No one really knows whose reading that is. Like sometimes I will try to make it fit but then it doesn’t. I miss when I used to pull cards on my own. I do think I’ve learned a lot more about how to interpret the cards with all the reads I have watched, so maybe going back to doing my own reads would be a good practice. I don’t read for other people very often but when I have it’s been sort of accurate? I don’t know.

I miss my ex. And I restricted their access to my fb (not unfriending though) and I just wonder if it’s doing the right thing or not. I’m mostly feeling sad about them being able to see my posts while not posting or revealing much on their end. I would feel more ok if I knew they were sharing parts of their life with me. But you know, I mean, they don’t want me in their life. So you would think restricting them from seeing most posts would make me feel ok. But no I feel sad about not being able to let them in anymore. Unless something changes.

I had crazy horny times today, which surprised me because T day is on Monday, and that’s only two days away. So my levels should be going down. But I came like, a ridiculous amount of times today, like four or five times. It was INTENSE!!!! I’m starting to see why some trans guys complain about their dicks getting sore. I didn’t expect it to be this ridiculous. I mean I was warned, my friends told me what it’s like to be this horny. But like I was considering casual sex finally and going on apps a little bit and who knows what will happen. If all goes well I should be able to have a hookup later this week. But yeah. INTENSE!!! Also I’ve discovered I’m a bit of an exhibitionist and keep taking pics of my dick to send to guys on apps or post on Fetlife. So that’s been fun.

I was having some depression this week, I just had a lot on my mind. But oddly enough this desire to go fuck around is making me less depressed. I just feel like maybe I can finally start doing sexy stuff again and regardless if it leads to a relationship or not, it would be nice to touch someone and get touched. I don’t know what I am gonna do in Vienna. I suppose I could see who is on Scruff and Grindr over there. But would we speak the same language?

I’m getting better at understanding German. I can understand some sentences, and I can read more. Not big words. But like I was looking at a pic the other day and I could read the German subtitle that went with it. So something is sticking. It would be nice to practice German while I’m in Vienna. I asked my ex if they would practice German with me since they are fluent, but then our situationship which was at the time more of a friendship fell apart. It’s not like I have no one to practice with though, I do know a lot of German speakers. Plus omg I was so shy to talk to them in German cause I know I only speak like, baby tourist German. Wo ist der Kellner? Sprechen sie Deutsch? I mean I am starting to get more words, but I’m still way down in the Duolingo German tree, or way up, whichever way has less modules finished.

Honestly transitioning is the most interesting thing I’ve done in ages. I know one day it will just be like, whatever, pretty routine and normal for me. Doing my shot this morning felt really routine even though my needles and syringes got thrown out I think (I have a cleaner and it was in a bag looking like a bag of plastic bags). BUT I had other needles and syringes that I’d gotten before my first shot when I thought I had to provide it all to the nurse. So it was fine. I liked those other syringes though and I think I’m gonna ask for more of them when I see my nurse, because the needle gets locked onto the syringe better than the 1ml syringes, and testosterone is in a really thick oil and injected through a thin needle so it takes some effort to inject it. Or the way I take it does anyway. BUT besides missing stuff, I actually was pretty good with this shot and not nervous and I remembered all the things including swabbing the vial and also my stomach with alcohol. So I think it went fine.

Seeing the wispiest beginnings of a beard coming in made me euphoric for days. I know it’s so early, today was only the 6th shot and it’s still a low dose. But besides my t cock it was the most obvious recent outward change. And it really just looks like longer face hair but when you look at it it’s very clearly defining my sideburns and part of my jawline. Like it’s in a facial hair pattern, not just rando werewolf hair. I was writing my diary about it and seeing what I’m going to look like in my mind and being like omg this is what I really look like! And I cried about it, but happy tears. Cause before I saw it coming in I didn’t know if I would get facial hair. My Mom said no I wouldn’t get any because the men on her side of the family don’t have much or any facial hair. But my Dad’s side of the family is Métis and definitely hairy and beardy guys.

The other day at Metric, my friend and I were looking at guys beards and I would be like “I think it’s going to be that color…. but I’d probably want it to be trimmed like that guy…” There are a lot of things you can do with facial hair! Plus it means I can finally be a bear!!! Like a real bear ha ha!

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OMG so I don’t know what happened but I didn’t finish this blog entry and then things happened. Anyway, today was my ninth shot (or is it tenth?) OMG it’s the tenth shot! So yeah time passed since that last beginning of a post.

I noticed the other day when I was running my hands over my hips in bed that they were way smaller than before. And I stood in front of the mirror and yeah my hips are kind of going away. That was pretty cool to notice. I don’t know what my shoulders would be doing but some guys told me I’m gonna have to get some new shirts because women’s shirts don’t fit their shoulders now. So I guess I just hope my expensive button ups will survive. I guess we’ll see what happens. BUT part of the awesome thing about my hips disappearing is that maybe I can buy mens pants and they will fit properly. So I’m excited about that.

OH I REMEMBER what happened, I got stressed about money, because a big cheque was late, and I had to get money out of my RSP. And then by the time the bank gave me part of my RSP, the cheque had arrived. But I’d already nearly maxxed out my credit card so I ended up putting most of the RSP money onto that. I know really I should change my card in my ubereats and door dash, because usually it bills my credit card but billing my chequing account would make me more accountable to myself. Anyway that’s why I forgot about finishing this blog post.

A friend gave me some plants which was really nice, but today I noticed black ants and I think they came from the plants. But they were VERY motivated to trying to drink my coke so I know they aren’t weird like the ants already living here that like protein. So I put some ant poison out, hopefully it nips this ant colony in the bud. OR maybe these ants will fight off the other ants.

I still remember accidentally bringing an ant colony to Portugal. I was SO embarrassed. I was less embarrassed when I found out they weren’t an invasive species there tho cause they already have them.

I’m really tired all the time. But I notice I get more loggy just before my shot. Also though I am kind of worried about just being tired all the time even though I know that’s part of a testosterone fuelled puberty. I guess it’s that desire to be productive. I haven’t napped every day like this since Little Mister died. And it’s not like I have a hardcore two hour nap, but like, every day between 4 and 8 I have to get an hour of laying down time. I know though that there are entire countries of people where having a nap in the middle of the day is expected.

I got a letter today from the co-op saying I was approved to be on the internal wait list for a larger one bedroom unit. I actually got on the list way back in April but they didn’t give me a letter until today. It’s kind of funny that they even bothered since they already told me through email.

But it made me a bit sad to see it, because really I would have preferred to be able to put in a request for a two bedroom unit that my partner and I could move into. It would be such cheaper rent, like less than 650 bucks each. And I don’t know. I can always put in a request for a two bedroom in the future. But it’s just one of those things I can bring to a relationship that I feel like certain other partners didn’t give a shit about. Affordable housing in one of the most expensive cities in Canada. It’s not a small thing. I feel like homeownership is just out of reach of most of us by now, this is kind of a really good alternative to trying to buy a house. There was an old lady who lived her whole life and died here, and I know that kind of permanence and stability was not something I was looking for in my 20s or 30s but it sure is now. I don’t want to live somewhere with a landlord who is inevitably gonna renovict me in a year. And I don’t want to scrounge together all my money to buy a property that is gonna need so much upkeep and will keep me from doing other things I’d rather be doing like travelling or having Experiences.

So it was a bit of a bittersweet letter. I’ve been having all these therapy revelations one after another the last while, and one of them was that I felt like I didn’t have anything to offer that was good enough for my last deep feelings relationship/situationship. Which I know isn’t true but it just felt like I had all these things to bring with me and they just weren’t really acknowledged or respected. Or some things I didn’t even get to mention because we never got that far in our situationship. But honestly, that person wanted those things from someone else. So nothing I had to offer would have been good enough because I wasn’t that other person. But it still doesn’t stop me from feeling shitty about what I have to bring to a relationship.

Cyber is a word that has fallen out of fashion. It was very popular for a while, enough so that a certain pliable sex toy material was named Cyberskin. I never understood why it was called that. God, sex toy materials have seriously improved since I was a pup going around trying to get sexy in the world. Like, I remember those jelly dildos that people eventually stopped buying because they would secrete some kind of toxic chemical. Why did we do that as a species?

So I’m in this new url, and hopefully it goes well. I did realize I needed to update all my links on my socials. Which is a drag. Changing my name all over the place was a pain in the ass but now I have to go back to all those places and update my url. Depressing! I think I’m probably going to change my name to something beginning with a T that isn’t just an initial, but I’ve decided to reserve the use of that name for close friends and family, and I am going to retain TJ as my professional name. And I don’t know what my secret name will be, I keep thinking maybe Theo but I looked it up and I think it was super Christian or something? It’s origins made me feel weird anyway!

Although I do like that Theo was Vincent Van Gogh’s brother who supported him through his failing art career.

And I had a rat named Theo when I was a kid!

But no I am not Theo.

I went to a Leather Swap today and it was super cute. I haven’t been able to mingle with people in real life in a while. Most of my dates have been coming from apps and that kind of thing, mostly Lex and Tinder (and Grindr if I ever manage to have a hookup). But this was nice, got to have flirty eye contact with people, super fun! Made me feel hopeful again.

I’m so excited to tell my therapist that I am hopeful again. OMG I finally get to see my amazing therapist in person on Monday!!! I’ve never had an in person therapy session with her. And internet instability always happens at the worst times, and I drop out, or she drops out, or I have to keep turning my camera on. The last session we had was online and at the end my internet kicked me off for the last minute of my session so I didn’t get to say goodbye properly. Which was too bad. BUT not so bad now because I get to see her in real life until I have to travel again.

What else? I feel like I’m such a defensive crab about dating just because some people approached me in ways that didn’t feel good. BUT I am honestly open to it. I just am extremely picky and like being treated like a human being. Like, don’t go into sexy things right away that just irks me. I like light conversation until I know someone isn’t a bad weirdo. Good weirdos are fine, but creepy weirdos are very much unwanted. And I will talk about my kinks and stuff I just need to have a bit more of a feel for someone first before opening up. It’s honestly not THAT hard to date me, I am pretty easy going if someone isn’t crossing my boundaries.

I finally started talking to people on Grindr, which is interesting. I haven’t been able to meet up with any hookups yet tho for personal reasons. And also some people just end up not being great after you talk to them for long enough. People move WAY faster than the Queer women I’ve talked to on Tinder tho. Like, they want to meet RIGHT NOW! It’s a bit much for me, I need like a little bit slower.

BUT the testosterone finally kicked into that horny period which is funny cause it took me a while. It’s… a lot. And like, before I was having a little dip before shot day but today is shot day and yesterday I was still intensely horny periodically throughout the day. So finally I can see the appeal of having some guy just drop by for sex and leave. I am also hoping since I was still pretty horny yesterday that my T levels are more even and sustained than they were before. I think my body is just getting used to having this amount of testosterone in it now. I still want increased levels though, because I think there are things I’m not experiencing on this amount of T. Like, my armpits smell a bit muskier, but other smells haven’t really changed. And my body temp didn’t change a lot.

I still think I want to fall in love again but also I’ve been kind of getting harassed online by women, so I’m not so into advertising myself as available right now. I thought I was into getting validated by flirty horny guys on Grindr but that gets kind of depressing after a while too. Mostly I would just really love if someone asked to go for dinner and see a movie with me and not throw some horny shit on me before we’ve had a conversation. I think I can probably do gay hookups tho eventually but any heterosexual stuff is still kind of intense and weird for me. Also I still have feelings for an ex so I don’t know how much I have to offer anyone. Anyway, if you like me the best thing to do is NOT to send me anything horny, or to even bother me at all really. Ha ha omg. I sound like such a crab. I like making the first move usually tho. And there’s not really anyone I want to make a move on right now.

The immediate gratification of Grindr is kind of appealing though, just knowing you could hook up anywhere anytime. I don’t know what to do tho when guys want to meet RIGHT NOW Because I’m not always available. Sometimes I even want to be available but I’m just not because of personal reasons.

I’m still looking at the hairs on my sideburns a lot, they are doing SOMETHING. I have to get my hair cut soon but I don’t want her to shave down my sideburns to nothing. They’re very blonde and thin hairs so it’s not super noticeable yet. Anyway, I’m happy something is going on there.

I was feeling down about my family last night. I don’t know if we will ever be close again. I don’t know if I could ever feel safe with them again. Definitely not safe with my cousin who has some disturbing obsession with me being trans that comes out when he gets black out drunk. It’s just sad, to know I won’t be spending time in that house anymore or seeing the dogs that live there. I was hoping my family wouldn’t be one of the ones that is unsafe for trans people but just because of that one cousin and the people who enable him, it is. It’s depressing.

Ha ha aww this sounds like such a downer post. No I am fine, when I’m not being sexually harassed. Which is why it’s weird to be on Grindr where people’s opening lines can be so crass.

It’s now midway through my fifth week on T. So far so good. I haven’t noticed any significant external changes except for private below the belt ones. I’m noticing the peach fuzz on my cheeks more now though. But that might just be because I keep going back to look at it. The other day I took a shirt out of my drawers and it smelled bad and musty. It was so bad that I washed a bunch of clothes and bought scented sachets to sit in the drawers now. So hopefully that helps. But it was interesting that my sense of smell was more sensitive to pick up on how gross that shirt smelled. Like I’ve taken shirts out of that drawer lots and didn’t notice anything before.

I’m continuing to need a lot more food. I just got more groceries again today because I was running out of protein snacks and those are kind of the best. I got a giant box of granola bars. Who am I??! I just know they are more solid and would satisfy me better than a bag of chips. I am not gaining weight either, it’s just hovering at a number that’s lower than my typical average. So obviously my body is doing something with all this food.

I keep taking pics of various parts of my body, I just want to see what is going on everywhere. I hear ass hair is the first hair to start coming in but I haven’t been taking pics of my ass. I kind of wish I had a partner who could pay attention to things changing but I’m still really feeling shy about dating. I’ve been trying. But I’m just so concerned about someone not being attracted to the person I am becoming. I think I’ve just heard too many lesbians complain about male secondary sex characteristics so I just don’t really feel like someone would be super into me now and also in a year. BUT at the same time I’m not going to be dating lesbians so that shouldn’t be a huge worry. I still don’t know where my attractions and desires are going to end up.

However I do still feel really drawn to Femmes and feminine people. I don’t know, there is a pool of people who date both butch women and trans men. And I have mostly dated people in that pool even before I came out as a trans man.

I don’t know. I’ve been trying to see if my face changed much in the last month and the only thing that’s really clear is I got masculine glasses finally instead of my more feminine pair. Also I got progressive lenses because I’m old and need to read tiny print. I thought I adjusted to my progressives really well but today I stepped on a curb weird because I was trying to look at tiny birds in my intermediate lens area.

Today I worked on a treatment for a new feature I am working on. It’s a transmasculine horror film! I’m hoping it works out. I finally had to make rules around finishing it and right now I’ve scheduled two hours of writing every day next week to get it done. Two hours doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s about the top amount I can do in one day. I’m still gonna be done in time for my self imposed deadline. And then I can get feedback from my story editor.

I’m also trying to make a short video about HIV/AIDS based on work in the Vtape archive and other Indigenous HIV positive video and performance artists. I feel so weird tho cause I always give my work a personal bent and I don’t know how to do that with this video.

I did do a lot of things before I got on T to make sure I’d be ok if I ended up having sex with people with sperm. Like get on birth control. But also I started taking PrEP. I have to get my blood drawn every three months to do STI panels while I am on PrEP. So that’s interesting. I did that today. It’s helpful to have that routine when I’m sexually active again but today there’s not really any reason to since I haven’t fucked anyone recently. Oh well I guess it’s better to be safe.

But I feel weird if I talk about PrEP in my video and taking it. I know it probably makes sense but it feels weird to me for some reason.

I also got a monkeypox vaccine a while back and it left a mark that is taking forever to go away. I don’t know if that’s good but also I don’t want to discourage people from getting the vaccine. It’s definitely a heavy hitter vaccine that’s for sure. But OK I am all set to be the slut I wish I could be but also I think I am probably demisexual or something because I have a hard time thinking about sex with just anybody. Maybe I need more T.

My moods are a bit low before I get my shot, so I am trying to get used to that.

What else? I don’t know, I’m constantly balancing the desire to be extremely productive and cash in on current opportunities being offered to me, and the desire to let myself have leisure time. And it ends up with me working for days on end or else scrolling facebook for too many hours in a day. I need a happy medium. I love the idea of having a weekend, but sometimes work happens on the weekend. Like it’s just too unpredictable, there’s all kinds of reasons I might have to work eight days in a row and stuff. And I mostly do freelance work so sometimes I don’t say no as often as I should, because when else is this $500 gig gonna come up right? I’m starting to get to the point as a full time artist that I can be ok if I don’t get a grant (as bummed as I would be) because I’m consistently getting other gigs to keep me going.

I used to date a lawyer who worked all the time and it kind of bummed me out until I tried to date someone who wanted to talk all the time and I realized I didn’t have time for that either. I miss the lawyer, I think dating people who have a lot of work to do is actually probably the better option for me.

Anyway, I need to go snack on something. And there’s new groceries here so hurray for that!

I am trying to migrate this site to tjcuthand.com but it’s gonna be a bit.

So I thought I could talk about my shots!

I got my first T shot last Monday from the nurse at my clinic. And he showed me how to do it, and it didn’t seem too bad. So I did it by myself today and it was fine. I had been so sure I would do intramuscular shots, but for now I am doing subQ. It’s going ok!

Some things I noticed is that my anxiety went down a lot. Not entirely gone, but not bothering me like before. A couple days later I went to the Dua Lipa concert and it was in Scotiabank Arena so there were tons of people, and I just was so unconcerned. Normally I HATE crowds, and they make me anxious. Also I’ve been SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!!! I want to eat all the things. After I’m done lunch or dinner it’s not long before I want a snack. And I can’t skip lunch or dinner anymore, I HAVE to eat. So I’m hoping that gives me a better relationship to food, because my ADHD made me have a really unhealthy relationship to it. And what else? I am more horny than I was before but it’s nothing super special yet, it’s just average. But I’d felt very unsexy for a month before my shot, so I’m glad it got kickstarted again. I also smell slightly different. And the things I smell smell stronger than before. Like food and stuff. It’s pretty cool.

I’m really excited for when I get to take a higher dose. Right now I’m on a low dose for starting out. But in a couple of weeks or so I can go get my levels checked and see if they will let me take more. I haven’t had any aggression though, which SOME people said I would have. I feel pretty calm actually.

It’s funny because before T I walked around feeling SO MUCH AGGRESSION and it’s not like I yelled at people on the street but it just built up in my body in a way that felt crappy. And now when I would normally start feeling aggressive, I feel more like “Well that’s disappointing.” I’m more patient. I don’t know if it’s the hormones or my outlook on life changing things, who knows.

My therapist comes back next month!!! I’m so excited to see her again! And FINALLY I get to see my temp therapist this week, which will be the first session since all this shit went down. So I’m stoked about that even if she’s not my regular therapist. Just to tell a therapist all these things and how upset it made me and get validated would be helpful. I feel so gaslit about what happened and I don’t know what to do with that.

I realized I have a crush on this one singer cause she kinda looks like my therapist. And I also realized my last ex had similarities to my therapist. It’s kind of hilarious. Do I have a type again?

SPEAKING OF! I am still being patient to see what my sexuality is going to do now that I’m on testosterone. So far, inconclusive. It hasn’t been long enough to see. I do notice guys more, but I think that’s cause it’s easier to like queer guys than straight guys. And I am still in love with a Femme I was in love with before. I haven’t been totally sure that I’m still into Femmes. I think I probably am (and straight women) but I don’t know how it will feel dating people as a guy now. And I’m not entirely sure what people are open to dating me. I downloaded Grindr and got a bunch of messages and immediately closed it again. I also kind of just want to do me right now and not worry about managing someone else’s expectations around my transition.

I don’t know how to talk about my life right now. I had some really transphobic incidents with my family when I went to visit them. Including my black out drunk cousin grabbing his dick through his pants and telling me he had a penis and I didn’t. Which I mean for one thing, was totally transphobic, and for another thing was sexual harassment from a FAMILY MEMBER so double fucking gross behaviour. And then my Mom defended him and didn’t comfort me and the next day told me she didn’t want to talk to me while I was transitioning because I would get angry and yell at her. So transitioning takes years, I guess she must know that since she knows so much about transitioning. 🙄 I left Mom’s house and stayed with friends for the rest of my trip.

Anyway, my family was a huge traumatic disappointment who I’m not in contact with right now. Which sucks but also maybe the distance is what I need while I’m building my self esteem as a trans man. Because they definitely aren’t going to be helpful in that regard.

ANYWAY I mean there was exciting stuff too though, because after I came back I finally got to see the nurse who specializes in trans health care and talk about testosterone. And it was exciting! She asked what effects I wanted and the first thing I said was “I want a fuzzy tummy!” Ha ha ha. But also she gave me this list of effects and asked which ones I wanted and I was like “I want a deepened voice, I want clitoral enlargement… this is like I am ordering off a menu!” I know there’s only so much control over what effects I get though. Although the medication that slows hair loss sounds super helpful.

She took this whole long gender history from me, which is LONG. Like, my whole life really. And I said I had been a butch for a long time, and she said something like “Oh I hate when people say “Our butches are disappearing” because it’s really brave to make the decision to transition.” Which is true I do hate that. I’m finally feeling like I don’t have to live a specific gender for other people anymore, and it’s really nice. I told her about being non-binary for a long time, and the time I tried to transition but didn’t get very far because transitioning was more difficult in 2007.

I think she wanted me to be more excited though, and I was still kind of bummed from getting rejected by my family. So I wasn’t like, I dunno, jumping up and down. But I DID feel happier after. And she sent me away with a requisition form for bloodwork. So I did that the next morning and she called to tell me I was approved for my hormones to get covered, and that they were going to try and get me on T as soon as possible after the next appointment. So I suppose the next appointment we talk about what kinds I can get, and then I get my prescription, and then a nurse shows me how to inject. I was all into doing intramuscular shots. But I’ve also been reading a lot of guys talking about getting scar tissue from doing that. And the nurse says the subcutaneous shots are actually higher in T than intramuscular. SO it’s a lot to think about. I’m also doing an ultrasound to check my endometrium for something. I forget what. I received a lot of information ha ha.

We also have to do a whole appointment to talk about surgery, so it’s going to be a while before all these things are sorted out. But I really appreciated how she said it was my decision to take testosterone and she would support me even if my identity changed, or if I wanted to go by she/her pronouns and still be on T. It felt really nice, like, there’s still a lot of open avenues to explore if I wanted. And she also said I could stop any time I wanted to of course.

I think I avoided doing this for so long because I wasn’t sure how hard it would make my life to be more clearly trans. Although I know I was gender non-conforming for so long. But this feels different. At the same time, except for the other people, it’s totally an exciting time in my life, to really be who I am. I’m curious to see what I’m gonna look like. And my boobs got their time in the sun, they can get retired. I’m looking forward to seeing how I change.

I don’t know how to come out to my neighbours. I just assume they’re going to notice in the spring that the bachelorette in unit [redacted] is now a bachelor. It’s a fairly queer co-op though so I’m not super worried anyone will be a dick to me.

But then I didn’t expect my family to treat me the way they did so maybe it’s time to stop being naive.

At the same time, this is finally the time I’ve wanted to transition where it felt like I was being permitted to do what I need. Like, when I first talked to my doctor about my gender and got my diagnosis for NIHB covered gender gear… and then I was like wait I could get on hormones! But only a little! And then it changed again to “OH MY GOD I can finally just be a man and not have to lie anymore.” And now this nurse is making sure I’m like, as healthy as I can be on T and told me things I have to watch out for and stuff. It feels nice having my gender be something that is being cared for. Cause it’s so hard in so many other places to be who I am. I mean, I recognize I have privilege from living in the largest city in Canada and having a huge network of trans friends. I’m in a way different place than the last time I tried to transition, and a different time too. But I still get treated badly when I go home to visit my family, so obviously there’s unsafe places for me now.

Anyway. I am super disappointed in my family. I don’t know how to deal with that. It’s also complicated by the fact that my mom was listening in on my therapy appointment I had while I was home, so now she thinks she should be allowed into my therapy appointments. Which I mean come on, I pay for these things just for me, it’s not fucking family therapy time just because Mom didn’t like whatever she heard.