Sooo I dunno, I guess I felt like writing again. SO SOON! It’s a bad time for communicating because it’s Mercury Retrograde. I had a virtual consult with Posey’s trainer and the video feed stopped working and then she called me and then the call dropped, so she had to call again. It’s Monday and I haven’t heard back from the fertility clinic yet. I’m terrified some terrible thing will have happened, like my referral fell between the cracks somewhere. But my doctor said it would be a couple of months before I see them anyway, and on their website it said they would make an appointment in 4-6 weeks.

I did a good chunk of writing today, which was good for me. I’m getting back into it. I’ve also been doing a bunch of research in the evenings on various fertility treatments and egg freezing and when eggs start losing quality and apparently the best time to freeze is when you are 37 and older eggs have more chromosomal defects and a higher chance of producing someone with Down Syndrome, and older men’s sperm ALSO has been correlated with things like a higher incidence of Autism. There’s a lot of things to weigh and statistics aren’t great for older women/people with eggs having a live birth, even with fertility treatments. Like besides quality, there’s also just way less of them, often. And I have been getting hot flashes, which could mean I’m already heading into infertile territory. The good news is that they do tests before giving you fertility drugs and scheduling you for the surgery, which is putting a needle through your vagina to your ovary to take out eggs one at a time. OMG. They recommend freezing 24 eggs, and I used this frzmyeggs calculator and according to my age they can probably get 7-10 eggs in a cycle. AND Ontario only pays for one cycle, usually people do multiple cycles. So it’s like, on one hand I have access to miracle science babymaking methods, and on the other hand it’s super limited in scope of what is covered, AND I have to pay for my own fertility drugs.

OH OH OH! Also fertility drugs cost thousands of dollars. Yikes. BUT in my googling I went on the NIHB website to see what meds are covered for Indigenous folks. And of course, fertility drugs are NOT covered. Birth Control IS covered. But my friend Melody says on remote reserves they don’t stock Plan B. So it’s like, some fucked up anti-Indigenous policy there. Like do I have to explain why that is fucked up? The less Indigenous babies being made, the better for Canada. Which is some fucked up shit.

Also obviously the Indian Act was written before people considered queer/same-sex/trans/poly families. And there’s been a notice on their website for a few years now that they are gonna update that section to make policy around how same sex families can pass on Indian Status to their kids. But I feel like there’s probably some white bureaucrat who’s been extremely hungover all this time wearing shades sleeping on his desk being like “Yeah yeah I’ll get to writing that, just give me five more minutes.” Ugh. SO yeah, it hasn’t been updated yet. Like they are probably not even at the point yet of brainstorming with a big piece of paper and some sharpies all the different ways queers get babies.

Senator Murray Sinclair had this video on CBC Indigenous today about how the biggest problem Indigenous people have is self respect, and then went on these SWEEPING generalizations about how we don’t know how to parent or be in loving relationships or good wives and husbands and we don’t know our culture or our beliefs about there hereafter and I’m like jesus christ what Indians are you hanging out with? When I look on my facebook I see so many Indigenous friends working really hard at parenting their kids and trying to deal with current issues like bullying and racism and giving them good self esteem. And people connecting with their culture, and knowing our history, and passing down old old wisdoms that our grandparents taught us, and I even had a car ride not long ago with my friend Terri where we talked about our elders who were Christian suddenly talking about old time beliefs in the afterlife that were tribally specific and fully believing that is where they are going even tho they talked about Jesus most of their lives. And I know that this isn’t an either/or, like not ALL Indigenous people have it together, some ARE shitty parents, some ARE passing on abuse that comes from residential schools to the next generation. Yeah, but I didn’t like the way he talked like NONE of us are able to do these things or be connected to our communities/families/culture/beliefs.

Anyway, yeah. There’s some internalized racism there.

And I have it too, like my Mom did parent me pretty well, there were things I wish were different, but ultimately I think I turned out ok. I have some self esteem issues but that’s also related to bullying that I was a victim of in school. Anyway. I know I can parent, I’ve been looking after these dogs for years, I’ve lived with a kid, I’ve got qualities that seem suited to it, I’ve thought about it for a long time, I feel like I am ready. But still part of me feels like oh geez who would want me to parent? I’m a bipolar queer poor single Indigenous artist, like that’s a whole bunch of things people don’t like. And I guess part of me still believes that it’s not for me, like I just assumed I wasn’t capable of it, even tho I’ve worked for years to get my self esteem back to normal and feel like I can affirm my abilities. I know sometimes my family has a low opinion of what I can do with my life. I don’t know what to do about that. Nothing I guess, and really it’s not my problem if they have those feelings.

BUT also I am in a different place in my career than even a few years ago. I’ve been getting more work. I have stable housing. Except for not having a partner, and wanting to wait another year before finally trying to fertilize these eggs so I can get some more work done on a project and stuff, I’m pretty much in a good place to have babies. Like I just don’t want to keep waiting for my life to start, waiting forever for a partner someday. I might get one, but I might not. My psychic has seen someone in my future. I just don’t know though, and I want to start doing things now to get the future I want happening.

I read my tarot cards about where my goals are, and it said something about how this problem I am dealing with right now is still being reluctant to let go of the past. And to let those old thoughts and stuff crumble and disintegrate and be ready for new beliefs and ideas to come into my life. And to some degree that’s true. If I was totally over the past and ready to move on, I would be trying to make a baby this year. But there’s just, ugh. I need a little bit of time still. Which is why I am freezing eggs.

OMG so weird, I’m one of those people who can feel when I ovulate, and I can feel it while I am writing this. That’s a good sign! I was worried I wasn’t feeling those as much, but it seems to still be happening.

When I first got my ovarian cyst, I stopped having a period for three months before it came back. It was so weird, I actually took a pregnancy test I was so confused, even tho I’d not had sex with anyone. I got it removed after I had my ablation, so I don’t know if it would have made a difference for my periods. Anyway. Weird women/AFAB stuff.

Sooooooo I kind of made a major life decision the last few days. I think part of my desperation to get a partner has been so that I can move on to the NEXT part of my life where I have children and a family. And it was just not happening, and making me sad and frustrated, and I think I got wrapped up with people who want to flirt more than actually have relationships with me. Anyway I was upset about it sometime this week and like crying while writing in my diary about how I feel stuck and I just want to MOVE ON to the next part. And yeah my career is important, and that won’t stop, and I am in the midst of some major projects. But something snapped and I was like wait a minute! Why the fuck am I waiting for someone to come have a family with me? Like, it might never happen if I keep waiting around like this. And I’m just getting older, I turn 40 next month. Like it’s kind of a crucial thing that I have children pretty soon if I want to keep up with them. I don’t want to be 50 with a toddler. I have long living genes in my family, like people live into their 100’s and 90’s on both sides of my family. So I’m not worried about becoming decrepit really fast. So I feel like even tho I am older I can still do it.

Anyway, there are a lot of ways to end up with a baby. But I’ve really come to feel that I want my genetic material to live on, and it’s not just because I am egotistical, like it’s also got to do with being Plains Cree, and my family history, and the fact that so few of the people on my maternal side are going on to have children, and I feel like it’s kind of important that this line continues. Like there are some really nice attributes in our family that I just feel are important and I would like to see in a kid. And being able to tell a child about their family history and where they come from and who their ancestors were and how they survived hundreds of years of genocide just seems kind of important to me. I like that I know that stuff, and I think raising someone who knows all that is pretty cool too. And I also think about what kind of donor I want, and I kind of would like another Cree person/man to be the father/donor. And I have also thought more about who would be involved in this baby’s life, and I feel like being a single Mom in the future, and having a lot of queer parenting role models in my life, I think I would be open to that person being a co-parent. I mean, we would have to all be on the same page, and I don’t know how involved they would want to be.

SO long story short I got a referral to a fertility clinic to do egg retrieval and freezing. And I’m really not sure of the state of my eggs. I’m glad my doctor got me to start taking folic acid several months ago though, because that is supposed to be good for fertility. But I am 40 pretty quick here, and time is of the essence, and once they are retrieved and we know some/enough are viable, and they are frozen and stored, then it buys me a bit of time to find a surrogate.

So I was talking to my ex today because she has a kid, and we talked about babies and the first year and what surprised her and what she had to say about her experience, and she asked my timeline. And I am thinking about two years. Like it would give me time to negotiate with a donor and a surrogate and save money to pay for a bunch of this stuff. And it sounds expensive, but also Canada has rules against paying your surrogate, so it’s more like, paying for the costs of pregnancy like food and rent when they need to take time off work and life costs and that kind of stuff. And also Canada pays for health care so hopefully a lot of this will get covered. Anyway, I’m excited and like, kind of feeling way more sure than I expected I would.

The other thing was yesterday when I went to my doctor’s office for a referral to this clinic, I was so worried she would be a jerky gatekeeper or something and be like “You are too poor/single/disabled/whatever to have a child!” BUT she wasn’t at all! She was really excited and happy and totally pleased to refer me and I was so relieved. When I walked home I felt like I was walking on a cloud, and then when I got home and wrote about it in my diary I totally cried because it was like, the first big step, and easier than I had thought, and I wasn’t facing a major obstacle yet. And I know there are a lot of variables that could happen in the next couple of years, like my eggs might not be great, or they might be fine but when it comes time to get an embryo to implant it might not work, or there could be a miscarriage. I mean it could go off the rails at any point along here. And there are still options after that, like donor eggs, or adoption, all kinds of things. BUT I really want to try and see this through and see if I can make a small human out of my eggs.

It’s kind of ridiculous, like I didn’t want kids for so long, and then just the last few years have I suddenly started changing my mind. And I’m prepared for what early childhood is like, because I spent a good number of years living with a little kid who was going through all his developmental phases. And like, he wasn’t living with us full time, but he was around like, for days and sometimes weeks on end, so it’s not like he just would be at our house for a couple of hours at a time. And even tho it would be more convenient, I’m still kind of glad I would not be the person going through pregnancy, because I have fibroids so I got my endometrial lining out so it’s not possible anymore, and if I had been pregnant I would have had to go off my medication, and there would be a risk of post-partum depression or psychosis, and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed because of my medication. And I just don’t want that, I’ve worked so hard to be stable this last eleven years. And yeah babies wreck sleep. BUT still, I think this way is better.

Anyway, doing this is more interesting than trying to get women to love me ha ha. OMG. I feel ridiculous for waiting so long just because I wanted a partner first. Like, whatever. I don’t want to base my life decisions on NEEDING someone else before I do something. It’s been really ineffectual and depressing. And there are way more options for queer co-parenting than having a romantic partner. Like obviously if I fell in love with someone who loved me back and wanted to be in a family with me I would still go for it and feel really happy about it. But this waiting is just really fucked up and insane. And there’s babies to be made!

And I’ve been having dreams about my son since I was 20. Like not EVERY night or anything, but definitely he has shown up in my dreams at different life stages and it’s always had a really positive tone to it. And I know I might end up with a girl, but something tells me I am gonna have a son. I mean also there are variables in gender like they could be trans or something. I dunno. But my psychic has also seen a little boy in my future. And she only started talking about my kids the last couple of times I have seen her. But she has seen them. She sees two actually, but one comes after the first one. So I don’t think they are twins. I don’t know, I haven’t dreamed about more than the son.

In some ways I still feel really young and unprepared, but I’m in a good place in my life, even tho I am single, and I am not young anymore, I’m in some positions of responsibility now, and I have been paying my bills and my rent on time this last while, and I’ve figured out sort of how to make a living. Like I’m ready, and in other ways I do recognize that. And I’ve done my crazy shit as a youth, and traveled a lot, and I don’t do drugs or drink anymore so I think I’m pretty healthy in those respects to have a child in my life.

Anyway yeah. I’ve been thinking about this a long time, and feeling defensive for a while about this future child and who will be involved in his life and who won’t and where I am making boundaries around him and where I have to let him go and make his own mistakes. And it’s been a really interesting inner process I’ve been going through over this.

So in those regards, this isn’t coming out of left field at all. I’ve had long conversations in email with a close friend about this kid over the last several months, whoever he turns out to be. Or she. I really don’t know. But I feel like I just gotta start and see what happens.

I feel kind of defensive about the whole thing, like if someone is gonna try and come piss on my dreams ha ha. But on the other hand, a lot of people on my friends list on fb are parents, and they seem to manage. And some of them are single. And a lot of them are queer. And I’m glad the fertility clinic I am going to is queer positive and single mom positive. So yeah! I’ve been talking about it with my Mom, and it’s so preliminary, we have talked about possibilities and stuff, and it’s like, I don’t want to assume this means I am gonna have a baby from one of my eggs. Because we just don’t know. But both of us want to see what happens, and I guess that’s as positive as anyone can be having kids after 40 when it’s this complicated.

It’s Tuesday. I had a busy weekend. What the fuck did I do? I went to a house show on Friday night, my friend was playing for the first time in their two bands. I had massive social anxiety though and left early. Then Saturday night my friend Riki and I went to see Beth Ditto play, and she was amazing, and has this great southern drawl, and we got to stand right against the stage and she looked into my eyes and sang to me and I was like okay this is amazing! I want to stand in front of the stage all the time!

Sunday was an AGM for Pleasure Dome, and it went really long. I didn’t expect it to last that long, and I had to miss a friend’s birthday dinner, which was too bad. BUT now I am on the board, which is cool.

I wrote and performed a reading on Monday night as part of a screening series at U of T called State Violence and Indigenous Resistance. I think it went well.

And now that all of that is done I’m back to my life, which means getting my ass in gear about writing this script. The first thing is doing a beat sheet, AGAIN. And my editor is like “Omg your main character has no job what does she do??” Which is true she needs substance. So I have to give her a life. Ha ha. She’s supposed to be younger, but also the editor liked a story I told on facebook about something that happened at a symposium I was at. So I am thinking of making her a blogger/activist of sorts. Except she has to make some kind of living at it. And it’s funny, because I literally have been a blogger for well over a decade and I’m not making a living at it.

Sometimes people cruise by here and scoop up my email and send me messages being like “I can help you monetize your blog!” or “You have weird content and if you wrote the way we describe you could make money!” and I’m like noooo this is a weird self indulgent artist project. Ha ha which I make no money on. BUT youtube bloggers seem to make money. I’m not a youtube blogger tho. I mean vlogger. Ugh whatever.

ANYWAY, the point is, people somehow make careers out of being activists with opinions, so I think that’s kind of the slant I want my character to have. But like, maybe a bit more creative than that. Anyway, I’ve been grappling with this so that I can write out my beat sheet in an interesting way. Right now I am doing laundry, but this afternoon I want to get a good chunk of writing in before boxing at 6pm.

I’ve been having crappy sleeps this last week, and apparently there was a solar storm which explains some of it. I even had to take Ativan three times this last week and a bit just to sleep properly. At first I thought it was because I have a fucked up life, but no, that’s not the ONLY reason I was sleeping badly. Lots of people were sleeping badly.

Sometimes I just come here to warm up my writing actually. Like I guess sometimes good thoughts come out, and sometimes it’s just bleeding out the bad, but often it’s just warm ups. Like vocal warm ups.

My mind is kind of all over today, and I took my Vyvanse so that’s not an excuse. I’m trying to refocus on my career, and some life stuff happened instead that distracted me for wayyyyyy too long with no real point to it. I mean I guess I could say I learned something about life and myself through the experience. But like, whatever, I’m tired of my life being a Degrassi High episode with a moral point to it. Ha ha ha. Like “You could have avoided this whole thing if you had been thinking clearly and more rationally.” UGH! I’m just so lead by my emotions. I blame the bipolar. Like my feelings are so fucking GIANT and when they start doing things it’s really hard to concentrate.

And I like reading my tarot cards, so I kept reading them for advice, and basically they just kept saying “Concentrate on your career!” And how I would be successful in my career if I stopped being all mopey about unrequited love situations and stuff. And they are probably right. It’s kind of depressing though, to have my cards be like CAREER and me being all “BUT I WANT A GIRLFRIEND!” Ugh. I mean I guess it’s good, people seem to like what I do, I like what I do, it’s interesting. I definitely know how to do it way better than the love thing. Sometimes people like me because of my career. I guess it’s a draw.

Ha ha anyway, long story short, my editor said I needed to put myself more in my script, and it’s true, like my character is not as multidimensional as she could be, the last draft she just had two goals really which was finding her mom and being in a relationship. AND that’s not enough for a life! And besides me, lots of Indigenous women/2 spirit folks are super career motivated. So honestly that should be reflected in my script. So many of us are in or went to university, there’s like a definite drive to be community involved and working in some capacity. So yeah. Write what you know!

I should get some lunch here. I’m starved! And I’ve blathered enough in this blog to feel like I warmed up.

Yeahhhhh so I haven’t written in a while. For those following Canadian murder trials, Tina Fontaine’s murderer was found not guilty. And that was like, another bad few days for me. Like it’s just a racist pattern that is entrenched in Canada’s legal system. I’m beginning to agree with people that street justice is a better idea. Also I’m a big marshmallow so like, even tho I take boxing classes, I’m not gonna fly to Winnipeg and punch that murderers head off. Like, no. No.

I mean, a lot of other stuff has been going on in my life, mostly career stuff. It’s interesting to me but probably pretty boring for me to talk about here, and also a lot of stuff is secret stuff anyway and might never happen. So yeah.

A little while ago my story editor mentioned I should watch Get Out again for structure and how scenes flow into each other, so I finally did that today. It was really nice to just watch a movie for work reasons, and I had seen it before so I was looking at it in a different way. I was able to pick up things this time that I hadn’t on the first viewing.

I’ve got a major rewrite happening pretty quick of my script, and I haven’t sat down and started mucking with it yet, but I am thinking it through most of the time. It’s about vengeance because of violence against Indigenous women, so like, these horrible trial verdicts are kind of fuelling my rage, and I’m hoping I can make something good and important out of it. Like I have known in earlier drafts my heroine is sort of reluctant, and that I need to get her more active and seeking things out and like, getting righteously angry. I think right now she is just trying to survive, but that’s not really the energy I want to channel.

Anyway yeah. Working on that. I’ve been hanging out at home being a full time stay at home dog parent. They seem to like having me around more.

I think I’m going to commit to my practice more. I’ve been dicking around trying to get women to like me and it’s been a pretty big failure ha ha. Okay, SOME women/people like me, but like, yeah, no, it’s been ridiculous. I wrote way too much in my diary about my crushes/interests this past year, like WAY too much, I am embarrassed to say how many pages are about that. And it’s just, I could justify it if this was actually the beginning of like, a serious relationship. Like okay, I could forgive myself for putting that much energy into stewing about feelings then. But this like, got all confusing, and there was more than one interest at certain times, and I didn’t know what to do with any of it, and every time I was reading my tarot cards about it I was getting The Hanged Man which is like surrender and being suspended between the past and the future and shit like that. And then most of the time it was unavailable people which is just, ugh. This horrible pattern I’ve had for a long time. And my friends were ragging on me about it most of this past year. So on one hand I do really want a relationship, and on the other hand I’m like, stuck. And it’s not working and I need to get unstuck so I’m just gonna do what I always do in that situation which is retreat back into my professional life and try to make better stuff. And not even to impress people, like I just always want to be better at writing and video stuff. I think I want to impress myself, and I haven’t yet. Like I’ve done some good stuff, but I feel like my best work hasn’t happened yet. And that’s not me shitting on my career, it’s more that I am just really ambitious about what I want to do with my life.

So I think I’m going to work really hard this year on these videos and this script. I want to impress myself.

Yeah. Anyway. I have boxing class this weekend, which will be good for me because we missed last weekend. I was showing a bunch of my videos at Pleasure Dome in CineCycle, so the next morning I didn’t feel like going to boxing, and then I had a meeting later that day. Anyway yeah, the boxing classes have been really good for me, even tho I am so sore the next day. I feel like it works off my aggression in a healthy way. And I like feeling stronger.

I’ve been such a crybaby this past year. I swear to God I cry once at day, AT LEAST. And it’s okay, like yeah, I guess I have to work through my issues. But fuck, it’s kind of intense and has just become routine now. Like, oh, I am writing in my diary, I guess it’s time to cry for a while. And maybe I am making up for lost time, because there were YEARS where I didn’t cry AT ALL. And I think it had to do with my medication. It feels pretty weird, to not be able to cry. I actually prefer this crybaby year to THAT. And I’m also grieving my grandparents, which is funny because when I cry it hasn’t been so much focused on them, as other things. But maybe that’s part of the reason for so many tears. The underlying issues. I’m just glad I switched to using hankies after Grandpa died, because my kleenex budget would be ridiculous by now. Or I’d like, be using dirty t shirts, which is also sad.

Anyway, the point is, I think this crybaby year is helping me find some kind of emotional balance. I think it’s been healing in it’s own way. And also connecting to my rage through boxing classes is helping me. I think the only thing that would make this perfect would be if I had someone to cuddle with. BUT YEAH see earlier paragraph about that. I’m pretty touch starved, but the dogs are really cuddly which is nice.

Ha ha I hope this blog post isn’t a downer. I am doing good, actually. Like things are working out for me otherwise. And even tho Canada is racist and unjust, I feel happy about being connected to the Indigenous communities here. I feel like we’ve been looking out for each other these days, and it’s nice.

It’s a week after the verdict. It’s been a rough week for a lot of us I think. A lot of my friends got pissed at the silence and indifference of white settler Canadian friends and unfriended a bunch of people. In some regards I think I probably overdid it, even tho I only unfriended 34 people. But in another regard I was really fucking pissed off and needed to do it for myself. I didn’t want to be an indifferent white Canadian settler’s Indigenous friend. Like you know, “I’m not racist, I have an Indigenous friend.” Anyway, I will probably friend a few of those people again. But I was done. DONE.

I had a really hard time sleeping the first few days after the verdict, the weekend really. I felt my mind just going a million miles an hour feeling like the worst kind of angry mania. SO ANGRY. I was rehearsing fights with people and thinking of a lot of the shitty things people were saying online. It got to the point I was scaring myself and worried I would need to check into the hospital. I was out of town Sunday until Tuesday and it kind of calmed down then. I was going to come home and start taking my Ativan again. But it turns out I didn’t need it, because I was finally able to get some decent sleep.

I felt really non-sexual most of the week too, which is super unusual for me. Like it just all shut down. It’s coming back though, and I am feeling a bit more human.

I’m also really sad these days. That also started getting hard, and I was again worried I might have to check into the hospital.

I can’t imagine a worse place to be right now than a psych ward though. A bunch of unstable white people with no filters? No thank you. There’s enough of that in the comments section without having Racist Tiffany spitting on me while I try to eat mushy grey green beans. Racist Tiffany can stay somewhere else. I’m just gonna stay in my lil apartment doing my things.

Yesterday I finally had time to do laundry and clean. It’s a million times better in here. I smudged the house down and had a cry. I’ve been crying off and on really. BUT the funny thing is I have also just been crying off and on anyway before all this. I feel like I’m purging something. I was gonna buy corner store flowers yesterday for myself, but they were sold out cause it was after Valentines Day. They just had these really sad plants. Nope. None of those.

I am getting groceries today. I’ve been eating poorly. A lot of snacks.

I got a passport renewal application yesterday. Mine runs out next month, and I just have a feeling I am going to want to go somewhere soon.

Yeah, I don’t have a real good analysis today. It’s been a frustrating week, and my mental health is right now the main thing I am trying to focus on. I think a lot of us are recognizing we need to look after ourselves. I felt burnt out yesterday. Just soooooo sick of it all. And seeing how many white Canadians support Colten’s murder, that is fucking sick. It’s been hard. On some level I knew this was what Canada was about, killing Indians, getting rid of us so they can have the land and no more problems. It’s been going on for hundreds of years. In another sense, seeing people so proudly state that is their intent is chilling. Like do you hear yourselves? How can you look in a mirror and feel any kind of goodness about your immortal soul?????!

Anyway yeah. Sometimes I feel okay. I can look at funny memes and laugh, make jokes. Other times it’s soooooooo dark. Things are very polarized in Canada right now. And when I think about it, they always were. At least now we know who these people are. I’d be curious to see the statistics on Facebook of how many Canadians unfriended people this past week. It’s been a lot.

It must be nice to be white and unaffected by Colten Boushie’s death and his murderers acquittal. And I am not talking to all my white friends and allies. I know a lot of you, especially in Saskatchewan or who are from Saskatchewan, have stepped up and made it very clear that you know the verdict was unjust. And that makes me feel safer with you. But the inverse is also true. I feel LESS safe with people who haven’t said anything or taken a side publicly. And that’s sad.

It makes me wonder what they are protecting. If they really just don’t think it matters, if they don’t know their Indigenous friends are crying and grieving and raging right now, or worse, if they don’t care. OR even more worse, if I am one of their few or only Indigenous friends. I wonder about their friends and family, if they are staying silent because they know it’s going to expose someone on their friends list as a virulent racist, if they don’t want to rock the boat, if they just want this to pass by unnoticed and unmentioned.

A young man was shot in the back of the head at point blank range while he was sleeping, and even tho the murderers testimony was full of inconsistencies and blatant lies (who reaches for keys through a window with their left arm? Try it! Make a video of it. I want to see) an all white jury in front of a white judge declared him not guilty. At minimum he needed to get manslaughter. AT MINIMUM. There are people who have car accidents causing death who get convicted of manslaughter. But a man holding a gun that he has fired three times DOES NOT. That’s fucked.

AT MINIMUM you need to say something. At minimum you need to make at least one post denouncing this. That’s the baseline for being considered any kind of ally. Because we are noticing. My friends list is full of Indigenous people talking about this and feeling all kinds of really awful feelings right now. Like fear. People have overheard white people joking in Saskatchewan about being able to kill Natives now. We all know, no matter what we do, how well we play the game, we are always in danger of a bullet in the back of the head. And this isn’t the first time this has happened in Canada. And it won’t be the last.

Silence is violence. We are watching who on our friends list are commenting and stepping up and sharing anger and sorrow and grief and rage, and who is not. And it’s very telling. And what it’s saying isn’t good.

A few things have happened recently.

Probably the most recent thing that happened was yesterday I lost my job. I was a month away from my probation period being up, and they didn’t think I was raising enough donations of the right type, something about my “stats” not being where they wanted them to be. They were very nice, my union rep didn’t feel it was fair. I had a mix of emotions. On one hand I felt like anyone getting fired feels kinda shitty about it. On the other hand, I got my major grant last week and so I was thinking seriously about whether I actually had time to do all the projects I am doing this year, AND this job. So I had wondered if I was gonna have to quit or take a leave of absence. So overall, I feel like the universe just wants me on a different path. I really like being a full time artist, I think it makes me happiest even when it’s super stressful and busy. I’m just suited to that kind of lifestyle and career. And things are picking up again this year, so I know I gotta go back to focusing on it.

And I also really like being domestic. After they sent me home I started a sourdough starter. And knitted. And puttered around. Today I am making a stew in my crockpot. Like I just like keeping my house clean and cooking now. I was joking with a friend about how I was my own housewife. Or just a mature effin’ adult. I think my ideal life would just be to be a full time artist and have time to keep my house the way I like it. And that is also a lifestyle that works really well with my disability. If I can make the money thing work out, it’s fine. And this year I am lucky and the money thing is gonna work out. I also got some other source of arty money which I can’t really talk about just yet. BUT rest assured things are going well for me.

Anyway, yes, so I got my major grant, $35,000 for a short dramatic period video set in the 1940’s on a reserve. It’s not based on anything real. But I worked hard on the script and I think it’s a good story and it’s challenging and super fucking dark. And doing a dramatic short is a good move if I want to direct this dramatic feature I have been writing. I need to demonstrate that I can do a good job, and a lot of my more recent work has been these weirdo comedic experimental narratives. So yeah, I need to show what I can do in a different genre. Hopefully people don’t laugh! Ha ha shit, sometimes people see my dramatic stuff and just start snickering and I’m like nooo iz serious no laugh~! Ha ha maybe the moody music will help.

So that’s exciting! I already have a probable location that a friend donated, so it seems really like it is coming together. I’m gonna have to do some research the next few months into clothing, music, laws, and household objects of that era. For instance, it’s set in the 1940’s, and there’s a scene of a dance at a band hall, and part of me wants it to be a powwow, but I actually don’t know if that was allowed at the time, and I might need to have some other kind of band, and then I have to figure out what was popular music on reserves at the time, etc etc. So yeah, it’s gonna be a while of researching, and looking up objects, and then seeing if I can make props and do the sets properly, etc. I had to revise the budget because I got $5000 shaved off of it. I ended up chopping my contingency fund, which might be a bad move. But I’m just gonna see if they accept the revised budget and release the funds, if not I’ll rewrite the budget again. MOSTLY I managed to keep all of my earmarked funds for the rest of my budget. Oh yeah and then I need to do casting. It’s a bunch of work even before I go and do the five day shoot.

I guess I’m lucky I know how to do so many things. I’m gonna hire a camera person tho. And a sound person. A bunch of people really. But most of the editing can be done by me, except I’m gonna need help with special effects. I have a friend who works for a VFX place tho so I’m gonna ask her for advice. So yeah, it looks like it’s gonna be a fun exciting year.

I’m glad I got these results last week, so I could get fired yesterday and not feel awful and anxious and hopeless!

Knitting is going well! I’m knitting this beautiful scarf for a future girlfriend made out of this hand dyed merino wool from these special sheep in Peru. It’s soft and warm and crazy long. Still not quite long enough. ALMOST! I am on the fourth ball of yarn, and each ball is $25 bucks. Not even counting labour it’s at least a $100 scarf ha ha. So it better be for a really good girlfriend! I am liking manifesting people in my life by knitting things for them though. I think when I’m ready for kids I’ll have to knit like, little sweaters or something. Mittens. On a string. To summon them into my life!

Yeah I’m doing okay. My friend I had the fight/incident/sadness with checked in on me yesterday. We had a nice brief text conversation. I still love and miss her, but I know we needed to take a break. We are supposed to talk at the end of this month. Hopefully that goes well, I’m trying to remember certain things in my life can’t be talked about with her. Which is hard, but yeah.

What else??? There’s other stuff I can’t talk about, not bad stuff or anything, just Yet To Be Revealed things. I’m really confused about a particular situation in my life involving a few people. Whenever I ask my tarot about it, the action it tells me to take is The Hanged Man which from my interpretation seems to be about waiting and surrendering. So yeah, I’m just trying to see if things sort themselves out. The trouble is I already know which way I would like things to go, and I am feeling they are not going to go that way, not for a while anyway. And there might be some twists and turns still, who knows.

The dogs are fine. I saw the dentist yesterday and she put this desensitizer on my tooth and says I have a slightly high bite that she can adjust. She’s different than the last dentist I saw who fucked my tooth up. The hygienist said that dentist doesn’t work there anymore. I almost cried with relief because he was so awful and did a filling of mine without freezing when I was trying to get my tooth fixed after he fucked up three times. Anyway, yeah. So I am gonna eat a corn chip today on that side and see if I need to go in for a bite adjustment. I think I probably will need to. But maybe not? Who knows. Either way I am hoping I can finally eat on both sides of my mouth again.

It’s Saturday night. I have started going to boxing classes. My second class is tomorrow at noon. I kind of strained my abs last Sunday, we have to do these intense ab work outs where you do sit ups with your ankles locked with someone and then practice jabs, hooks, uppercuts. OMG I realized I only use my abs to get out of bed. And the reason I know that is because my abs still are sore but I only feel the soreness when I am getting out of bed.

Anyway, it’s a nice workout after that. Like the jump rope stuff is a bit much for me, and the sit ups are fucking intense. But punching different things is pretty fun. I’ve never really done anything where I had to punch as hard as I could. It’s a really unused skill I have. Like, actually it’s not a skill of mine at all yet. BUT it will be! Last week Savoy showed me how to throw a punch, and it was really interesting and also feels pretty good. I’m doing recreational boxing, so there won’t be actual times when I am hitting someone in the head. Or getting hit. BUT I COULD! Savoy asked me if I had ever been in a bar fight. Nope. Not even the time I got beat up did I fight back. Like I was just such a pacifist. I think that has really changed over the years. I haven’t hit someone or anything, but I think in a dangerous situation I would probably go apeshit now. But yeah, I really just want to punch bags and things. And build some muscle mass.

I haven’t really been inspired to get involved in any fitness routines in a long time. Like I always worry about coming across as what one of my friends called “a fat hating fatty.” Like I am fat, it is what it is. I’ve talked about it here before. But I don’t want to talk about boxing while slamming being fat, cause that goes against my values. Like my body is just gonna be whatever it is in the end. But there are totally fit fat people out there. Like people might not believe that, but there are very athletic chubsters. Which is kind of cool because it throws people’s fat myths into the garbage.

Anyway yeah that’s tomorrow. Work has been going ok! I am doing alright I think, still in probationary period until the beginning of March and I have to learn how to do something different and new successfully to keep my job. But we’ll see. It would be nice to keep working. I’m waiting to hear about a large grant too. We’ll see.

I have a date next weekend! It’s like, oh man I shouldn’t make them feel weird by talking about it. But it’s like a low key just see how it goes hang out. I was kind of surprised to be approached. I’ve usually been in the position of chasing people, and to be honest that position is really demoralizing. Especially since nothing has really worked out in so long. I really shouldn’t talk about it much more tho cause I don’t want to make anyone I date or am interested in feel like I’m gonna put all their stuff on my blog. That would be shitty. It’s just been a really long time since anyone told me they liked me in that kind of way, like I actually can’t remember the last time. And who knows what the future will bring.

I haven’t knit all week but I think I’m gonna try and put an hour into it tonight so that I can be okay with my gibbled up hands tomorrow after boxing. I mean they are fine, but also they do get a little sore and stiff.

I’m hemorrhaging money right now. I have to pay up front for my eye exam on Wednesday and get reimbursed, I need to pay for my ASL class later that day, I’m digitizing videos too, and ALSO today Paypal told me my Adobe creative cloud fee comes out any moment. AND to make things worse, Little Mister is having bloody poops off and on. Like he did some last week, then was fine, then this morning had some again. So he needs to see the vet really really soon. He’s walking around like he is fine though! BUT he’s old and rickety. And he’s a sweetheart and I don’t want him to be sickly.

I guess life is pretty good. My friend I was so sad about two weeks ago is working to mend things with me, and offered a heartfelt apology, and we’re just gonna see how it goes but also maintain some more space between us. It’s hard. Interpersonal things are hard. And I do love her and when I think about the time we have known each other it’s kind of amazing we’ve only had one major incident like this.

But yah! Not gonna talk about that for a while, because I feel protective of our friendship right now especially because it’s hard.

There’s some film career stuff going on too, but right now it’s in the background waiting for funding to come through. So really I am doing not really anything in that regard at the moment, which is nice. But I hopefully am gonna be writing again soon.

I’ve been reading my tarot cards a lot lately. A new deck is coming to me in a month, the Numinous Tarot which is sort of a non-binary inclusive deck. I’m excited to see it! I backed it in a kickstarter a long time ago. Ha ha and of course the money came out at a terrible time recently, dammit, all this money! GONE!

Well, last week around this time I was in major distress. But I’m happy to say my feelings have changed and I feel pretty good. Not about that friendship, which definitely needs a time out still. BUT I feel better about life and things I am doing and stuff. I got paid today so I went and got some dog food, paid the internet bill, paid my Mom back cause I needed food money this last week, gonna get groceries but there’s some ice pellets coming down and I’m terrified of walking in slippy conditions. So yeah, it’s ok.

I found the diary entry I did from January 2nd, 1993, when I came out to my diary. The funny thing is I hadn’t clued in I was a lesbian until like 12:01 January 1st 1993, I mean it was coming and I was realizing and things were clicking into place slowly. But then I fell in love for the first time with a girl and also realized I never had those feelings for boys. I would have been 14. It was before the internet. I mean the internet was around but not at our house and definitely not in the way it is now. I hadn’t read that entry in a long time, I wasn’t sure what it would be like, like if I would be all upset or scared or whatever. But it was kind of a funny entry, like it was like revealing a secret to my diary so it was very momentous, and then a short paragraph about why I thought I was a lesbian and not bisexual (cause these boys who I don’t even remember now I just wanted to be friends with etc.) and then I launched into this very mushy romantic thing about feeling totally in love and I didn’t know if she was a lesbian so it was like oh no and I hoped she would notice me and wanting her to be my fiancée etc etc. Ha ha anyway, we never did get together for a whole bunch of reasons (like she was way older and going out with someone and hadn’t come out as bisexual yet etc etc) but yeah she did turn out to be bisexual so in some ways I wasn’t so far off the mark. And I did stay in love with her for like, two years, all really intense and sometimes really sad and sometimes really beautiful and we had a tender friendship and I never did tell her my feelings. But it was kind of sweet, to realize the thing that really tipped me over the edge with my coming out was falling madly in love for the first time.

It also kind of set the tone for the rest of my life, like I just fall in love a lot. And not to cheapen it or anything, I think I just feel things really strongly and when I really love someone it’s like, INTENSE and omg. And it’s only been that nothing has worked out yet that I have fallen so many times. And I do fall OUT of love too, like when it’s not happening and I kind of get fed up with waiting for someone to realize I am amazing or whatever lol. I don’t know tho, there was something really sweet to realize that when I came out to my diary it wasn’t all anguished, it was more so I could gush about how gorgeous and smart this girl was and how much I loved her. Like it made me feel less cynical about love, oddly enough. Even tho I’ve been disappointed so many times. I remember how new that feeling felt, and how overwhelming, and how I was amazed that I was someone who fell in love with girls (and women when I grew up obviously).

The other interesting thing is that I think being queer substantially improved my life. Like that probably sounds weird, but I was queer in a small Saskatchewan city, in the early 90’s, and gay stuff was everywhere at the time and visibility was really increasing. And it was a major reason I ended up making videos, like both being amazed by 90’s queer video art, and also getting access to video equipment to make my first few videos. And also I met a lot of older queer youth, like a lot of gay boys in university, and they would sneak me into the raver bar with them and we would drive around listening to Skinny Puppy and NIN and stuff. And I dunno, it sort of opened my world up, and before I came out I had felt very dark and depressed. I guess falling in love will do that.

Also I remember finding my community was tricky. At that time so much of queer culture was built around bars and needing to be drinking age. And I remember how I did find other homos was I went looking at AIDS Saskatoon for some pamphletes on having safe sex for lesbians, because OBVIOUSLY (and still to this day) we didn’t learn THAT in school. And so I went looking and found something for the Queer youth group that met once a week. It was called QYSS I think. I remember I went and met a couple of people and the guy kept calling the lesbian Mary and I thought that was her name ha ha ha! Anyway, yeah, it was a good group, I mean it was queer youth so it had a fair amount of drama which we are not allowed to talk about. But it was definitely a formative experience and I really think someday I should do a video or write about it. Now of course there’s like, the Internet. But Out Saskatoon still runs that group, with new names and I think the format has changed. And the age range is way lower.

Ha ha omg I remember Gay and Lesbian Health Services (the org that ran the youth group) also sold some queer stuff like funny shirts and mugs and cock and ball bondage things and shit like that. And I remember one time I was looking in their store and this guy picked up this small leather thing and said “What is this for?” and then suddenly started laughing and laughing. Ahh good times.

Anyway, yeah, love isn’t so bad. I mean it has lead me to some interesting places. And it was the catalyst for me finally coming out to myself. I think sometimes I hold myself back around it now tho, like I’ve just been burned so many times that I don’t let myself fall in love as easy as I used to. And it’s not that I don’t fall in love, so much as I keep trying to remain in denial about it because I feel bad or sheepish about it. Like I usually tell people I have a crush or feelings for them or whatever, because I really don’t want to say “HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU!” when we haven’t kissed yet or established a relationship for long enough or whatever.

So it’s kind of cute to reflect on that 14 year old lesbian who was falling in love for the first time and deciding I wanted to MARRY this woman right off the bat and just how unrestrained my feelings were at that point in my life. In some ways it sounds kind of foolish now, and in other ways I kind of envy how sure I felt.

The last five days have been some of the most painful days I have been through in recent times. I had made a comment in an email to my best friend about thinking of having a fling with a certain woman I know who seems to be indicating some interest. And it kind of started a huge fight in my inbox for a few days, during which some really cruel things were said to me, and some very negative assumptions which have been made about me by this friend were underscored and highlighted and repeated over and over. And I had tried to get her to stop, and said she was hurting me, and she would like, say one apology in one sentence and then launch into the whole thing again. She kept threatening our friendship and it was pretty painful and she was super upsetting me to the point that I’ve basically cried on and off the last few days. I eventually had to ask that we take a break for a couple of months because she really was so relentless and so unwilling to mend things or admit she was really out of line or take accountability for the utter shitshow that became this email thread. And earlier, in the email I had sent her originally, I mentioned how long it has been since I kissed someone (spoiler: a fucking long time) and she took that fact and kind of used it against me in a really mean way kind of mocking me for it. And there were a lot of things wrong with what happened between us, but probably THAT was the major thing that felt like such a betrayal there is no going back. I have a lot of feelings over the dry spell I have been in, and it’s really difficult and there’s a lot of reasons why it’s been this way, but it’s obviously a very tender subject with me and the fact that my best friend would pick THAT fact to use to hurt me really crossed like, all the lines.

She asked if I would be willing to read any apologies after I asked for a break for two months, and I said I would because I was unsure of our friendship continuing. But that was three days ago or so now and nothing has come. And I have felt a mix of emotions, and if she reads this I am sure she would be insanely angry for me talking about it. But it’s been really difficult on me and I am trying to just feel my feelings and accept that I need to go through this grieving process for our friendship. Because really I don’t know how these things could be made right again, and the fact she hasn’t reached out with any apologies since is painful. And as I read over old diary entries I see how this long campaign has been waged in our friendship that has been dragging me down into paranoia and sadness and suspicion and just this really shitty headspace that I don’t even really feel is coming from the core of me. Like it’s kind of been projected on me, and I feel like I got deluded into going along with it, and it’s at the point where I don’t even know how I feel about certain people anymore. And it’s not like they are bad people, it’s just my view has been so skewed by this long campaign of trying to convince me I am a victim.

OH god it’s insane. Like when people say something is batshit crazy, this is the kind of thing they mean. It feels like there was so much gaslighting and some kind of ulterior motive and I’m really confused but also really ready to walk away. But I invested years and years of my life into this friendship, and often-almost always, felt love for her, and sometimes it felt like a more-than-friends kind of love, which I always knew wouldn’t go anywhere and we were just friends. But it’s hard for me to feel that emotion towards her when she was so emotionally abusive towards me. And maybe it’s good I am not feeling it as much. Like it’s not right, to love someone who hurts you.

So my heart is kind of broken. I want to behave honourably though, like I don’t want to hurt her back, even though I am so angry and upset. And so I haven’t lashed out the same way she did, which is good. But also, oh man. I just feel like this might be the end of our friendship. And as friendships go it was a long deep connection, like a decade and a half long friendship. And what makes me so sad is that in all that time, 99% of it was great and wonderful and I was so happy to have her in my life. But this whole email thread, and the months of build up to this point, they were some really really shitty times. And I felt like I was being isolated, and there was this intense hatred of people I was romantically interested in, and it felt like a lot of shit was being forced onto me so I would start thinking about life the same way she did.

And normally I am actually, even with the bipolar, a positive forward thinking person. Like I worked really hard on myself to get to this headspace, and to have good things in my life and know my worth and have confidence in my decision making abilities. And I am doing things in my life that feel positive, like things in my community, and with my art practice, and with my work life, and trying to nurture my still kind of new friendships and social groups here in Toronto. And it felt like, that was kind of changing, and like not so much those things but maybe my view of life and the world and all kinds of things, to see things as being quite a bit darker than they really are. And I felt like the narrative I was supposed to buy into was that I was broken and fucked up and needing to do all this work on myself before I could even have a romantic relationship. But I feel like this fight made me see that differently, and that it’s not true. Cause I did a shitload of work on myself when I got sober, like so much work, and I’ve been in therapy a long time, and I feel like I have a good base for myself. And people can’t force someone to “heal” especially not if that person doesn’t need it. Like I think I am fine the way I am.

It’s kind of a revelation, to realize I am okay as I am. I have healthy friendships with people (mostly!), I feel good about myself usually, I am open to falling in love, I do things that make me happy. I feel like my life is pretty good. Which is why it’s been weird to see this months long attempt to convert me into someone who feels constantly victimized and unhappy with almost EVERYONE in my life. And I really do know that not everyone is trustworthy, but I still want to be able to extend myself to new people and take a risk by letting them in either as a friend or something more.

I think the other thing that makes me sad is how she knew she was upsetting and hurting me and barely apologized and then KEPT GOING. It’s like being in a scene and calling your safeword and the person just keeps hurting you even when you’re way past the threshold and it’s not okay anymore. Even tho I could see this downward spiral we were in, it was still sort of surprising and shocking and sad when this whole thing happened. Like, I guess it was the logical conclusion. I mean not really, but when I look at the recent history of our friendship I can see why it happened, she got really dark, and started being less and less respectful of me and my choices. And she kept crossing boundaries and I didn’t call her out on it, like it was really getting pushed. And she started really hating me saying anything about crushes or the like, or things about my family. And I guess I like having friends I can talk about cuties with, and it just got really fucking dark and hateful and I didn’t know what to do about it. And it’s not even that I want to end the friendship, I just want to end THIS, this paranoia and anger and random hatred of people and fostering resentments and treating me like an idiotic child. Like I want the behaviour to end, but I don’t know how to do that, and I don’t know how to rebuild this when she hasn’t tried to make amends, and I can’t change someone’s behaviour or how they treat me. Like it is out of my hands, and that is sad.

And I know I could forgive her if she really wrote heartfelt apologies and promised to change the way she was treating me. But I feel so dismal about that even happening. Her convictions about the situation are so strong, and her ability to use so much of what she knew about me against me was so shocking and chilling. It really is a betrayal, and sad.

And I am trying to find myself again while we take this two month long break. I want to get to know myself again and really assess who I am and my relationships with people. Because I do think overall things are positive. But I want to know what I feel about life when this pall isn’t hanging over me anymore. And when my view of sweet gentle moments with people aren’t poisoned by someone or rewritten. And I want to be a hell of a lot less cynical than I have grown to be over the last few months.