I’ve been so busy with holiday stuff that I haven’t had a chance to write.  So here goes!

On Christmas Eve the mail person came by and dropped off some mail.  I got an envelope from Sask Arts Board, which made me instantly anxious because it seemed so small, and I was anticipating a rejection.  And it was almost Christmas, and I didn’t want bad news on Christmas, but I opened it and read “We are pleased . . . ” and I was like “Woooo!”  They didn’t give me the full amount I requested, but it’s still 13,000 towards my Mars webseries.  So I’m sure I can do something with that.  I’m basically not able to pay myself much.  I’ve been thinking about how I can make up the full amount and I am considering turning to crowdfunding.  I’ve got a lot of research I have to do in the next month, like researching the best way of presenting a webseries, and how to run a good crowdfunding campaign.  Basically I have to go to the library.  I also have to research Soviet cosmonauts and space technology, space travel, Mars, and various other things.  I’m gonna download some transmissions from space and listen to the lingo and stuff.  Each webisode is presented as a transmission from this ship.  It’s pretty exciting!

So Christmas Eve I was trying to sleep but my head was buzzing with all the things I am gonna have to do in the coming months, and also things I can finally pay off now that I am getting some cash.  SOME of it I can just use as living, so I’m gonna get Little Mister’s teeth done and finish paying off the car accident I was in, and I owe Mum 202.00 so I have to pay her that. AND I am gonna get an artist website, so I have to do that.  February I will get some artist fee money too, I am hoping I get a decent cheque.  I might get my tattoo, I’ve been wanting it for a long time.

What else?  I haven’t gotten my unofficial transcript from ECUAD yet, I think the university is closed for the holidays anyway, so I am going to get in touch with them in January.  That’s the last thing on my end that I need for my application to Ryerson. 

No ladies on the horizon.  I’m going out to Divas on New Years Eve I think, maybe.  There could be cuties there.  I’m dressing up a bit more when I go out, so I hope I look more presentable.

Little Mister needs a shave!  And I need to be sheared too, I’m looking mighty shaggy! 

I’m mostly relieved that I have finally been able to fund my project.  It’s been bouncing around for years, trying to get the damn thing funded.  It has also changed over time, from a longish short video to now a webseries.  There was a time I was thinking of making it a tv show, but no one is gonna take me seriously for that yet.  I think it becoming a webseries is a good move, it’s a longer story but spread out over a series of shorts.  I tried to get it funded through the Canada Council, but got rejected twice.  So oh well.  Thank god my provincial funding body came through!  This was the first time I applied to SAB with this project. 

I’ve got a lot of work to do!  2014 is going to be exciting!  And in the fall, the series will start going online.  And I will finally be able to see this thing to fruition!  I first performed my Mars story around 2001, so it has been a LONG time coming!  I’m gonna be able to work with actors, so this will be fun.  I have to look at my budget and see what I can do. 

This is my work schedule for the next year:

I think I’m gonna start research and scriptwriting in January though, I feel like it could benefit from another month of work, especially since I have already found out I have the grant.  I have the outline for ten episodes.  It’s just a matter of jumping off from there.

I’ve decided to make beaded jumpsuits too.  Which will also take a lot of work.  I might pay for that with crowdfunded money, if this thing works.

I’m really buzzing but I know I should go to sleep and it’s late and aaaaaahhhhhhh!  I have over ten thousand dollars to make videos!  In the Industry that’s not a lot, but to me it is pretty mega.  I have made short videos super cheaply before.  Like, with a hundred bucks.  Which is a SUPER micro budget.

I have other projects brewing in my brain, but I hope this opens some more doors for me and gets me noticed.  And it’s also a really good experience to learn how to direct actors.

So in short, it has been a good Christmas, even though today was mostly being busy with my family obligations.  I am hoping to have some relaxing times with my friends in the next while, until after New Years.  Maybe some sledding, some drives, coffee, shirley temples in the bar.  I think my Nortryptiline is kicking in so maybe I can get some sleep now.  I’m excited about the future, it’s a good feeling~!

Okay so first off I will say this is a total Too Much Information post about jerking off so if you are a relative or don’t want to know, stop reading!

I gave myself this great orgasm yesterday, but today it was terrible!  Four toys and porn and my battery died and I didn’t come.  Sad!  All that work for nothing.

I’ve got this new dildo and it’s kind of funny.  Because it’s really thick.  So when I’m trying to get it in it’s kind of intense.  First it’s like “Never gonna fit!  It won’t get in at all!” And then suddenly it’s in and it’s all like “Don’t move!  I gotta adjust to this!”  And then it’s really quite fun.  With a vibrator on my clit I don’t even need to do the in and out motion, it can just fill me up and sit there and get me off.  But like I said, my battery died this morning so it didn’t work out. 

There’s this funny point when you are giving up on masturbating to orgasm, like first maybe I will try a few other things, and then I just start accepting that nothing is happening right now.  Maybe my sexual fantasies are just drifting off to thinking about groceries I have to buy or what my friend said yesterday or some other Non Sexy thing.  And then it gets to me with a dildo up my cunt thinking “This is stupid, and I should give up.”  So maybe then I will get my laptop and look for porn.  I don’t know what porn I want to look at anymore.  I saw a bunch of stuff and I was like “Fuck!  This isn’t sexy!  It’s not working!” And then my dog will walk into the room and start crying and staring at me because he wants attention and is all alone in the house and you can’t get off with a crying sad dog in the room!  I mean, maybe YOU can, but I can’t!  Fuckit!  I’ve got a pile of toys on my bed and none of them worked!

At least I got to play with a happy dog in the end though.  Happy because I finally gave up jerking off. 

Isn’t that the pits though?  When domestic animals interrupt play time?  I remember when I had my cat Schrodinger and one time I had my head over the edge of the bed while I was jerking off because I was looking at a porno and then Schrodes just walked up to me and STARED!  And then he started sniffing my nose.  Boner killer!

Tonight I am gonna try nipple clamps for the first time.  I’m not sure it will work.  My nipples are kind of weird, they are inverted so they pull into themselves, and it’s impossible to coax them out.  I might just watch my nipple hide and the clamp fall off.  I got these things a long time ago and haven’t tried them until now!  I will report back!

I need to find good porn.  Porn with hot queers, diverse queers, POC and fat and some trans and some cis and all kinds of things!  I’m sick of looking at white girls taking on two dicks.  The One White Girl Two Dick era of my porn interests has ended.  And I don’t want to look at made for men lesbian porn because it’s too fake.  I might actually pay for porn because I know of some good queer stuff that is out there, but you have to pay.  I mean, sure, why not?  They should be compensated. 

I’m not really a porn enthusiast.  I’d rather read an erotic story and have something to imagine.  I’m super into imagination. 

I got my leisurecard but I haven’t used it yet.  Mom qualifies for a free leisurecard too so she is applying for one and then we are gonna work out together!

I had a dream about rattlesnakes last night, and handling rattlesnakes, and that there were all these snakes in the backyard and most were good but some had rattles.  Also that my friend Laurel and I went to Berlin and she was driving and we nearly drove into this weird flooded area that had brown water and all these people stuck in it and I got her to turn the wheel to head down a different street. 

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  It will be basic, I might get blood tests to check for various things. 

I for some reason thought tomorrow was friday, but it isn’t.  I mean, I guess it is because I’m writing this after midnight so technically it is already Thursday.

Boring.  I really have nothing of note to report.  No new crushes, nothing.  No money.  I get paid tomorrow from SAID, which is good.  We’re gonna go to the Casino with my twenty bucks and ten free slot play bucks.  Try and win something.  Watch entertaining animated animals bounce around anyway.

I’m coming up to my first year anniversary of quitting smoking.  I’ve never gone this long, so it’s pretty special.  I’m trying to hang on to my smobriety, which is hard because when I smell it it still smells good.  I’ll be okay, I keep reading motivational stories, it helps.

I’m thinking of going to concurrent disorders this friday for a check in.  I think I will just go to the education part.  Who knows. 

God I am tired of being single.  BUT that doesn’t mean I’m desperate or that I am gonna pick just anybody to be my Next Girlfriend.  Because I still want to fall in love and I don’t want to fall into some bullshit where I’m annoyed half the time and all my friends hate her!  And I think I am gonna quit having sex right off the bat, because I am one of those people who gets all emotionally attached when sex happens and it blinds me to faults the woman has that are going to keep us from actually having a good relationship.  Or to the fact that maybe the sex really is just gonna be casual and that they don’t really like me that much.  Because that sucks too! 

In fact, I think I am just gonna swear off having a girlfriend until I move away from this suckass town!  Cause otherwise that bullshit’s gonna happen where I decide to stay for her and then she dumps my ass anyway and then I missed my chance to leave. 

BLAH!

Little Mister and I are fine with just each other. 

Over the last few years I’ve become a recreational bus rider.  As in one of those people who gets on the bus and doesn’t get off until it comes back to the stop where I got on originally.  There are a few of us and we can all recognize each other.  Some talk to the bus driver the whole time.  Some don’t.  I am not a chatty rider.  I like listening to my tunes and looking out the window.  It’s better to do it in the day when things are well lit by the sun.  I think about things and sometimes I look at facebook on my phone.  More rarely I will look at my tumblr, but I often don’t because my dashboard has sprinklings of explicit pornography on it.

I make playlists on my phone for songs I listen to while riding the bus.  Usually they are based on whatever I have been thinking about a lot at the time.  Like if I am thinking of making romantic gestures towards someone, I will fill my playlist with love songs.  But I’m a pessimist so I also throw on depressing rejected by love songs on it just in case I have to be depressed on the way home from doing something.

I can ride the bus for an hour.  Then I usually have to go to the bathroom, so I rarely go on bus loops that take more than an hour.  It’s getting boring though, the route usually stays the same, except for minor deviations when like, a water main is being fixed and we have to go around the block. 

I used to worry that the bus driver would be all “Why are you staying on this bus???”  But none of them ever have. 

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I made a Sigil today, I’m not sure I did it right, but it shouldn’t hurt.  I had a really hard time deciding what I was going to do it on, becoming wealthy or getting love.  I ended up going for the whole Lurve thing.  Since I can always do a Sigil for wealth later.  The directions I read were to burn it after charging it and forget about it.  I’ve read elsewhere that you should keep it around until it works.  I burnt it, I guess we’ll discover if that is the right thing to do or not soonish.  Tomorrow night I am going out to the gay bar to try and meet women, not sure if that is a good place, but it’s better than staying home.

It could take a while.  They say they always work.  I guess we will see.

I am seeing my optometrist next week and getting new glasses.  Apparently I haven’t seen him in four years, which is a long damn time!  I am also seeing my GP, to get blood tests and ask about those dizzy spells which ended anyway, AND to get a referral to a gynecologist to talk to them about getting an ablation.  I am really tired of bleeding so much.  And I want to avoid having a hysterectomy.  I should do some research.  I don’t want birth control though because it makes me not horny, and I hate that.

The new med I am on can reduce horniness.  It’s so funny that I have ended up monitoring my libido.  Like, if it goes up or down.  Life sort of loses it’s spark when it is down.  I like having erotic daydreams skipping through my mind at some point in the day.  And just having the general drive to get it on with somebody.

My crushes aren’t doing anything at the moment, so I need a new crush.  I hate this town!  I feel like I’d already have a crush if I had moved to Toronto in September.  There just really aren’t a lot of people here that I click with.

I am going back to the gym.  I need to get my leisure pass, I tried to get the green form from the bus people when I renewed my cheapo subsidized bus pass, but they just printed out this bullshit receipt that didn’t even say Saskatoon Transit on it!  I am going back tomorrow to shake my old man fist and demand my green form, because the leisure centres won’t give me my pass unless I have it.  And I need it, because I’m getting puffed out when I move around too much and it’s not good.  I don’t care if I stay fat, because I like my curves, but I’d prefer some stamina for future fucking. 

Little Mister is doing good.  He trapped a mouse in the vacuum cleaner hose and Mom turned it on to prove there was no mouse and sucked it up and then we ran it out to a farm just by the city and let it go.  It seemed fine.  Mom was glad we didn’t have to kill the mouse.  She had named him Stuart.

I should go to bed!  I have things to do tomorrow and I’ve been up all night cruising down my tumblr dash.  Little Mister is already snoozing!  I love him!

I’ve decided I MUST LEAVE SASKATOON if I ever hope to get laid by a girl again.  So I am going to save up $5000 and move the hell away from here!  Which means I need a job.

The problem is Saskatoon is a fucking racist city and I have a really obviously First Nations last name.  So I have been applying for jobs for a while and I only got one interview back in 2012.  And I didn’t get the job.  It’s pretty frustrating.  I applied for another job with my old employer, in a different department, after 4 years of not working for them, I’m a little dubious I will get called in, BUT I am also super qualified for it. 

Anyway, besides that my options are getting major grants and getting into grad school and stuff. 

In other news.  In other news Little Mister has proven that there is a mouse in the house, tonight he sat in front of the fireplace where he was SURE it was, just looking.  Looking and looking.  Staking it out.  He’s a little obsessed.  They must taste SUPER good!

I’m trying a new med, Nortriptyline.  So far it made me sleepy, but not as sleepy as Amyltriptyline.  Which was making me sleep in until 2pm.  But the good news is my panic attack thingy has died down, so it is working for what it is supposed to do!  Meds meds meds!  Which are good?  Which are bad?

I’ve decided when I move to Toronto I’m gonna try and get jobs as a closed captioner and the voice behind Descriptive Video for the Blind!  Accessibility jobs! 😀  Making the world a more understandable place for all sorts of people!  Plus I just think I would be good at those things.

I am gonna miss my Mom a lot when I leave though.  And my Grandparents.  I wish I could bring them with me.  I will have to get Grandpa a skype account.

What else?  Ahhhh, not really anything.  If you know of any non-racist jobs in Saskatoon let me know!

Tomorrow is my next psychiatrist appointment, it will have been six weeks since my last one when I was prescribed Elavil.

The good news is that I haven’t had panic attacks while I have been on it.  The BAD news is that it makes me SO sleepy that I can’t get out of bed before 2pm.  Seriously cramping my style!  I was always a late sleeper, but this is pretty ridiculous.  So I think I am going to go in and ask for a different medication.  It’s really hard because we need something for anxiety WITHOUT killing my sex drive, and all the SSRI’s end up killing my sex drive, at least all the ones I have tried.

Poop!

I hope my genius psychiatrist has some idea of something else we can try.  I’m already on the lowest dose of Elavil possible.

On Thursday I am going to Ottawa for a screening of some of my videos in a Video Art biennial.  I’m pretty excited.  I might get to see my friend Shavonne, which would be nice.  I’m only there until Saturday.  Then I come back here.

I also might be going out to Ontario again in February.  Fingers crossed! 🙂

I’ve got to save up some money for Little Mister’s teeth cleaning.  My friend Amy Jo told me about a vet in the country who does work a lot cheaper than my vet is quoting for his teeth thing.  Sooooo I might call this guy up and ask about it. 

I’m getting ready to apply for grad school AGAIN.  I wonder when I will give up.  I’m applying to Ryerson this time.  For an MA in Media Production.  It’s a year long program.

We will see!

Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on in my life.  I have some emails I have to send.  I went to bed last night at 8:47pm and woke today at 2pm.  That’s messed up!  UGH!

My Mom took me to the store to get my bus pass, and I went to check the lotto max ticket we bought.  I didn’t have high hopes, I was like “Oh whatever, we’re gonna win nothing like usual!”  But no!  When the ticket checker bleeped it said “$130.70 winner”!!! Ooooooh!  I was amazed, so I signed the ticket and took it to the cash register and the guy validated it and gave me my money and then he said “It’s funny, someone else was in here today and they also won $130.70!”

So my Mom and I have agreed for a long time that we would split lottery winnings, so I am getting 65 bucks and she gets 65 bucks and it’s all very sweet!  What surprised me was how many numbers we had to get right to win 130 bucks.  Five out of seven numbers!  That’s a lot!

I am buying a new Diva Cup with my winnings.  And having some spending money.  Last month was a year with my Diva Cup and I am apparently supposed to get a new one once a year has ended.  It’s about time, mine is getting old looking.

Ooooh, I also ordered a new strap on harness that can handle my size, but I did that before I won anything.  It’s going to arrive on the 6th supposedly.  I doubt I will get a chance to use it anytime soon, BUT I am following the boy scouts motto of Be Prepared! 😀 

Be Prepared for Lesbian Penetration!

Last night I went out with my two friends Daniel and Aaron to the gay bar, Diva’s, for some silliness.  AND I think I got cruised by this cute woman with striking eyes, I didn’t know what to do so I just kept going.  BUT now I am wondering if that woman is the same woman I saw by the Library a couple months ago?  What if I just keep walking past my future girlfriend?  Maybe one of these days I will smarten up and learn the fine art of cruising AND getting numbers from sexy ladies!

On Friday my friend Kristen and I bleached and dyed bits of our hair pink.  She did sort of highlights for me, so it’s a little different than a solid chunk of pink.  I think I want it more magenta-ey though!  I am looking awfully cute!

I had this general expectation that when I hit my thirties I would start having lots of sex, but it hasn’t happened.  I think I had that expectation when I hit my twenties too.  And I sort of did have lots of sex but also if I was compared to other people my age I would have been woefully undersexed.  I actually only had a decent amount of sex for maybe three years and then I was celibate for a long time.

I hope my forties look better!  Maybe I will be more confident by then, able to go up to strange women without needing an introduction.  “Why hello!”  Ha ha ha ha!

I’m on this new med that is making me sleep in SUPER hardcore, and also makes me talk in my sleep in great mumbly noises.  Today I woke up at 2pm going “Mmmmnnn, mmmmmnnn, mmmmmmmnn!”  Jeepers!

I’m trying to come up with a plan to move to Toronto in the middle of 2014.  So far I have ascertained that I need $3000, ideally $5000, to cover moving and living for two months.  I’m not sure what I can do.  I applied for an SAB grant, but I haven’t gotten results until January, ALSO the money from it will mostly pay for my videos and only $6000 will go to me!  BUT if I can finagle it that would be enough to move.  I’m also going to apply for a Canada Council grant next spring, which I would find out about in August. 

Aside from that my next options are to get a job or crowdfunding.  I’m not entirely sure what to do.  I need a patron.  I need to win more lottery money.  Or a prize for being a good deed doer!

So Toronto was super fun!  I learned how to pitch and I think I did a pretty good job, even though I didn’t actually win in the end.  I saw some really good films, stand outs include Rhymes for Young Ghouls and a short from Australia called Abalone.  But there were more good ones than just those two.

I saw a lot of friends I hadn’t seen in years, including Louis, Ariel, and Robin!  It was so nice to spend time with them.  Robin and I went out on walking adventures around Toronto and she showed me some neat places including a farm and OCAD which looks like a box suspended on pencil crayons.  I also spent my last day with my cousin Theresa and her dogs Peanut and Porkchop, and we walked around Ryerson where I am thinking of applying for an MA in Media Production.

Louis took me on a shopping trip to Come As You Are where I fussed around and ended up buying a Vixskin dildo named Buck!  I didn’t get to try Buck until last night, but it was super good, although I was already half asleep when I was trying to do myself so I ended up giving up.  BUT even though it’s easily my thickest dildo it did manage to fit!  I am going to try again when I am less sick and less sleepy and more turned on.

Which reminds me, I had the worst thing happen to me while I was in Toronto which was that I got a horrible head cold and turned into a mucusy coughy mess.  Travelling with an illness is terrible.  I think I am finally over it, but for at least half of my trip I was feeling generally gross.  I may have given it to Robin too.  Actually I noticed a LOT of people on my FB were battling colds as well, so who knows where it started.  I could have gotten it in Saskatoon and brought it out east.

I also had a screening last tuesday with the 2 Spirit Skillshare and it was really nice, they asked some awesome questions and I was mostly able to give good answers.

My screening at ImagineNATIVE also went well, people really responded and when I was walking around after people kept stopping me to talk about it.

What else?  Hmmm.  Funny little crushes popped up (okay just one) and it was a little awkward but okay and I think just reiterates that this person is pretty awesome to have in my life as a friend.  So that was nice.

I really missed Little Mister.  He is a grounding presence in my life so it always feels a little weird when he and I aren’t together.  And he is gonna be a geriatric dog next year, so I have to start getting used to the idea that he won’t always be around.  BUT he is still a fairly rough and tumble sturdy little guy in super good health except for his teeth, so I think he’s got a few more years in him yet.

In sadder news, Mom took Baby Dora the Corgi back to the breeder because Dora and Hermione, Mom’s wiener dog, weren’t getting along and they were getting into very violent fights and Mom was worried Hermione would get hurt.  So no more Dora.  Now Mom is waiting a while and then getting another mini dachshund, who won’t get bigger than Hermione.  I hope Dora finds a good home, and I miss her already.  She was a sweetie.

I have tried to write this post three times and I always get too tired and end up going to sleep!  So, basically, what is going on is this: I got into the pitch competition at ImagineNATIVE.  I have to make a one minute trailer and a four minute pitch.  Then I fly to Toronto on Tuesday, get settled.  On Wednesday I go to a six hour pitching workshop and then that night meet up with friends for the Lesbian Haunted House thing.  Then on Thursday is my screening, and Friday is the day I pitch!  I have Saturday off and then Sunday I am going to the awards thingy and find out if I win anything!  IF I do win the pitch competition I get $5000 from APTN, a $2000 certificate from William F. White, a $500 certificate from Technicolor Toronto, a contact at the NFB to talk to about my project, and an ImagineNATIVE backed Kickstarter page to raise more money for my film.  Big smiley face here!  And only four projects got picked for the Drama pitch competition (there is also a documentary pitch competition) so just going by the odds I have a one in four chance of getting the prize, which is pretty decent!

I have to do some taping tomorrow and some editing and then I will get my trailer done.  My pitch thus far is in maybe draft number two.  I’m gonna work on it a bit more.  I read a book about pitching written by a Brit and I have been reading internet articles about it too. 

What else?  Oh, because I am showing a film at ImagineNATIVE I could also possibly win an award for best experimental film.  I hope hope hope I do because then I could get my dog’s teeth done, he needs them cleaned before they get too far gone. 

I’m really tired now, so I should go to bed.  I will also say that I have the chance to see a bunch of friends in Toronto who I haven’t seen in ages, and I am super excited about that!  Robin!  Louis!  Margaret!  Maybe Shavonne!  We’ll see!  I’m so stoked! 

So I forgot to mention, I went to a demonstration last week at Rock of Ages Church against a speaker they had named Wilna Van Beek who was a lesbian who has decided to live a celibate life so that she could be a good Christian and not go to hell.  Basically I think that being a homo and being celibate ON PURPOSE so that when you die some imaginary judgemental god won’t send you to the fiery place is kind of a long shot.  I mean, what if there is no God and no Jesus and no reason to live your life without human affection?  Whatever, basically I just think Christians telling homos we can be okay if we give up our chances at loving happiness is sick.

So my task was to come up with a genius sign!  I thought long and hard about it.  I finally came up with one the night before the demo.

For those who can’t see the picture, it says All the Lesbian Sex I’ve Had is part of God’s Plan.

It makes me laugh!

Anyway, I have never made a pro gay sign before, because I just never needed to.  It was fun!  I searched for a good one online, but they were all related to marriage, so they didn’t seem to fit!

___________

I finally bought my plane ticket for Toronto!  Now it’s real!  Now I’m really gonna be there!  I’m stoked!  Tomorrow I will find out about something, so I might have more stuff to do while I am there, fingers crossed!

My Mom won the Lieutenant Governor’s Art Award for Saskatchewan Artist last week!  I’m proud of her.  She was stunned when she won!  Now we have a bronze Joe Fafard in the living room!  Exclamation Marks everywhere!!!

I got my SAB grant in today!  It’s due tomorrow, so I am one day ahead of the deadline!  I also have to do the travel grant for Toronto’s events, I can get it in tomorrow, they weren’t taking them until after today.  It’s a fairly simple grant, so I should be okay. 

What else?  Little Mister looks good in his Halloween costume!  This year he is going to be a prisoner!  He has a little stripey shirt that says Guilty on it!  I’ll post pics on Halloween.

I have no costume yet.  Maybe I should be a warden!