I don’t know how long I didn’t have much of a sex drive, my libido was gone a LONG damn time.  I might be inclined to say it was diminished significantly for two years.  Anyway, the other day I was on the bus, and I was thinking all these sexy thoughts, memories of things in the past, fantasies of things in the future.  And it was driving me INSANE!  I was missing kissing and sex SO DAMNED MUCH!  I wanted my mouth on nipples and pussies and feeling girls from the inside with my whole hand and being filled up and humping and all kinds of things!  I was going NUTS!

So I was telling my cuz Deanna today “I don’t know what’s going on with me, I want sex and kissing and it’s making me INSANE!” And she said “Maybe your libido is back!”

And I think she is right!

So on one hand I want to be all “YAY!  I am horny hear me roar with wetness too great to ignore!”  On the other hand *womp womp* I am single.  Terminally single.  And there’s nobody on the horizon.  I even went to Take Back the Night hoping for some cute girls, but then I felt like a 35 year old OLD person.  So many politically aware girls doing their undergraduates.  And I feel too old for them.  So womp womp. 

I keep scanning OK Cupid and Plenty Of Fish but it’s the same folks on there and I don’t really get that spark.  Then again, it’s hard to tell if there is a spark just from someone’s online profile.  You sort of need to meet. 

Anyway, I was hoping to go to Indigo Girls and see a bunch of local lesbians, but I never got a ticket so I am out of luck because it’s fricken sold out!  And now I am poor again anyway since I paid my rent, groceries, phone bill (2 months of phone bill), got toiletries, 6 pairs of new socks, an iTunes card, fake beer, and some glow in the dark nail polish.  Tomorrow I should get some cash though, because I wrote an article for a local paper.  I hope!  I also have an honorarium coming up from the University, and GST comes on Friday.  AND I have to get in a travel grant on Tuesday for going to ImagineNATIVE! 

OOooooh!  Maybe I will meet someone in Toronto!  That would be nice!  I could have sex and get all hung up and have longing in my life again!  And skype sex!  Which I have never had so you know, there are always new things to look forward to! 

I’m so tired.  I should go to sleep soon so I can engage in some stress relief before I am too tired to do anything.  If ya know what I mean.

Side note: I have discovered in the past two weeks that my sense of smell has improved since quitting smoking almost a year ago to the point that body odor REALLY bothers me.  I mean seriously.  SERIOUSLY!  Some men are SOOOOOOO stinky!  And some perfume is too rank!  It’s starting to make me want to go for a walk instead of riding the bus.  For some reason it is always the bus that is the worst!

Today, purely by chance, I was barely on Facebook.  I went on for a little bit later in the day, just skimming over the feed.  But in the morning I read my notifications and then went on with life.  What did I do?  I drove Mum to work, and then I watched two episodes of Orange is the New Black, then I went and picked her up and we went to a terrible Italian restaurant with my gift certificate and got not very great food.  And then we came home and I went on a bus ride and listened to music and then came home and watched the last two episodes of Orange Is The New Black and then I went on Facebook a little bit.  And that was that.  There is life outside of facebook!

I talked about it with Mom at dinner, and how nice it felt to not be on Facebook.  It was kind of freeing, it put me in a much more peaceful frame of mind.  Because to be honest, sometimes things people post on there piss me off.  And it really depends on the day, but like, pictures of animal abuse, or exploded children, or like fucked up shit like that.  Or triggering pictures of weed which make me remember my old friend/foe of addiction.  Or just being ignorant and making me think less of my friends and/or the company they keep.  Sometimes I want to tell friends “Man, the company you keep SUCKS!  You need better filters for who you let in!”  But I mean, it’s really not my place to say that.  And plus I am sure they could say the same about some of my more unsavory friends.

ANYWAY, it was nice to have a long period of time away from Facebook, because I am normally on it so much.  I felt like, in control, and peaceful.  And engaged with a different part of the world.  I want to watch more shows on Netflix, I think seeing more movies and television series would help my creative process.  Like how writers need to read lots.  Keeping up.  It’s nice to watch a well crafted program.  And it gives me ideas.  And that is more useful than reading someone’s drunken rant from the night before, I guess.  I feel like I get caught up in petty shit when I am reading too much Facebook.  So I am going to put limits around my use, kind of wean myself off it but not get off it completely.  Because it does still serve a purpose. 

Oh man, I have to do a grant by the end of the month!  TWO GRANTS!  It’s scary!  I need to get that shit together!  If I don’t get a grant in January I am going to apply for another grant in March from Canada Council.  I have to think of a good project for that though.  Tomorrow is Concurrent Disorders again already!  I might go to both parts of the group.  I might have the stamina to pay attention for two hours!  Tomorrow we are learning about the Transtheoretical Model of Change apparently.  Who knows what that could be about!?  I’ll see what I feel like when I wake up.

I didn’t meet anyone in the last two weeks.  My horoscope gave me false hope!  I really thought I would meet someone but the only person who piqued my interest, I just stared at and looked away and never even said hi to!  Sad. 

I’m getting tired.  Dora the corgi chased the mailman yesterday.  She ran straight out the door and over to the next yard and circled him wiggling her little bum in sheer delight.  None of our other dogs have ever caught The Mailman.  She’s going down in doggy history!  Little brat!  I threw her into the backyard when I checked the mail today.  Goofball! 

I have some decisions to make regarding my company, and I am fairly close to deciding to dissolve it.  I have to pay 185 bucks to get it back on the corporate registry, and I don’t have the money and I also don’t think it’s worth it.  So I might not do it and ask for my 80 bucks back.  I would have to figure out what to do with the website too.  I don’t know, I am really torn.  I need to carefully consider my next moves.  I think dissolving the company might be for the best, because I am not using it and it is just a pain.  Sigh.

I don’t know what to do about my gst number either.  Do I have to get rid of it??  I’m confused.  I should talk to someone about this.

What else?  There are things I want to do more of:
Visiting my friends
Calling my long distance friends
Knitting
Baking
Watching tv series and movies
Writing
Going for walks
Exercising at the gym

Basically I just want to be overall doing more things.  OH!  Also doing private journalling.  I feel like I could get some personal stuff out of my head if I wrote it down.  I need to do that more.

Well, I guess it is bedtime!

I hope tomorrow is a good day.  I didn’t shower today and I feel gross, I can’t shower now because it is too late!

Sometimes when I get in a writing mood, I write voluminous facebook statuses.  Well, I mean, not A LOT A LOT!  But more than usual, and then I worry that I am driving people nuts and I realize I want to write a LONG blog and not short little microblogs like statuses.

Anyway, I guess I can tell you my good news!  I am going to Toronto next month for ImagineNATIVE!  Sight is screening there so I am going and seeing friends and after ImagineNATIVE I am screening a bunch of my videos for the 2 Spirit Skillshare and Regent Park Film Festival’s screening, artist talk, and reception of my work! 😀  Yippee!  And if I can, I might take a couple days to go to Montreal and toodle about visiting friends.  I haven’t been in years and years!

Also I found out today that Sight is screening at MIXNYC in November, and that I will be on CFCR on Sunday blabbing about my films.  So that’s all really nice.

I hope I win for best experimental at ImagineNATIVE, 1000 bucks would help me out majorly!  But I’m not going to get my hopes up too much.

When I was a nerdling, I had dreams of winning the Science Fair.  I never did.  My projects were too arty not enough sciencey.  It always crushed me.  And schools I went to didn’t place much emphasis on Art as a viable skill which should be encouraged, so there was never like, an Art Fair.  I couldn’t crush my classmates with my mighty arty hand!  So unfair!

It was kind of cool when I was getting requests from all over the world for my first tape, Lessons In Baby Dyke Theory.  Mom answered the phone one day and this lesbian in Berlin was calling to get me to send a copy to their Lesbian Film Festival.  But my classmates didn’t care about my hot property video doing the festival circuit.  They were too busy popping pimples and trying to get laid.  No, I really don’t know, everyone had different motivations during high school.  I’m sure some were just trying to survive.  But Aden Bowman wasn’t a hostile environment, at least not to my knowledge. Not to me anyway.

It’s really late and I should sleep.  It’s the weekend yo!  We got the car back today and it looks SUPER nice, all cleaned and fixed and spiffy!  It’s way better to drive than that sucky Cobalt loaner we had.  I love our car! Mom’s car.  But she lets me drive it almost anytime I want to, which is nice!

What else?  Oh, I have writing to do this week for money for arty things, grants and pitches and that kind of thing.  I have two projects I am trying to get cash for.  Eeeeeee!  Hopefully they both come through and I can be busy all next year making films.

OMG!  I saw the BABELIEST of Babes yesterday at the Library!  She was walking by with a guy friend and totally made long eye contact with me and I was so flustered I didn’t know what to do and I looked away and then we were at the library and I was like telling my mom “Did you see that?????” And she did!  At first I was just staring because she was so clearly queer, but then I kept looking because she was so cute and looking back at me!  Anyway, I am kicking myself for not going up to her and getting her number or anything!  I don’t even know her name!  FUCK!  What the hell is wrong with me?  Anyway, I put up a missed connections ad, maybe she will see it?  I’d be super lucky if she did!

I’m going to have to go out even more to queery events and venues hoping to see her!  Take Back The Night is coming up, maybe she will be there.  Also I could go to Divas again.

So anyway, it is really nice finding new people attractive!  It gives me hope!

I’m trying a new bedtime routine.  I took my night meds about half an hour ago and I am also drinking a cup of Sleepytime Tea.  So far I am getting yawny.  Last night I put away my laptop and read Take Me There which is an anthology of trans/genderqueer erotica.  It’s pretty hot.  I got to sleep easier reading a paper book than reading things online with a bright screen.  But I still slept in.  BUT it takes a while to get good sleep habits.

I think I will probably sleep soon.

I’ve been watching Orange Is The New Black.  It’s entertaining me.  I know there is a lot of criticism around it, I guess I am just liking seeing queer women having queer sex and queer feelings.  Plus Laura Prepon is pretty hot, I always liked her, way back when she was Donna on That 70’s Show. 

I’m applying for jobs again.  There is an admin support job I applied for with the provincial government.  I doubt I will get a call for an interview, but one never knows.  I think I should stop disclosing my minority statuses in that one section.  They always say they are committed to being a diverse workplace, but then they don’t call and it makes me think they are looking for whiteys. 

I don’t know if I care if I get a job.  Well, the money would be awesome, that’s why I want a job, but besides that I might feel trapped and unable to have an art career.  They don’t make it easy to take breaks to travel. 

Well, my sleepytime tea is done and so am I!  Time to head for bed!

It’s now September.  Ding!  Time to get excited about a brand new season, fall!  Named after the falling leaves I assume!  I am actually looking forward to it, the crisp bite to the air, the crunch of the dead leaves underfoot, drinking endless cups of fruity teas, settling in for a good knitting session with a pal, going for walks along a golden treed riverbank with cute girls, baking pies and cakes and so forth because it’s not so horribly hot!  I am gonna get to renew my leisurecard this November, which will be super good.  Another year of possible fitness.  I haven’t used it much this past year.

What else?  Oh, I dunno, I am happy that summer is over, even though I didn’t do a whole hell of a lot.  Spring was exciting because I went to New York, but summer was quiet and except for One Night In Estevan I really didn’t go anywhere. 

I have some work to do.  Tomorrow afternoon I am helping a friend with some compression issues.  I have to work on making a video downloadable.  I have to copy some video files onto my computer for editing.  I have to write a travel grant and an Individual Artist Grant by October 1st.  I have to get some videos into the mail.  Being a full time artist involves a lot of work, which some people who aren’t artists don’t recognize.  It’s hard too because you have to be really cognizant of your time and deadlines and stuff, and when you tell friends you have work to do sometimes they don’t get it or see it as real work.

I couldn’t be a full time artist if I wasn’t on disability.  I really don’t make much money from my practice, except for the odd occasion when I get a big grant.  Thank god for disability!

I’ve also got to get working on my book again.  I’ve only got 64 pages.  I was hoping to end up with at least 200 pages.  300 would be sweet!  It’s not going to be a ginourmous book though.  I doubt it will be a best seller, it will be an artists book.  

In the last year of film school we had a class called “Professional Practices” and it was all about applying for grants and writing an artist statement and shit like that, and pitching and stuff, and actually that was probably one of the most useful classes I took.  Sometimes I think I have to apply myself more to my practice and then I would really get somewhere, but then Mom reminds me we live in Canada and there isn’t a great deal of money for film.  STILL!  There must be a way to make a living at it.

I would teach but no one wants me in a graduate program so obviously that’s out of reach.

ANYWAY!  Enough career blabs.  I have other good news!  As a constant reader of Susan Miller’s astrology zone I have finally read a horoscope for the month that says I have a good chance of meeting someone special!  I have to circulate for the next two weeks.  Tomorrow I am going to go to a BDSM munch down the street.  I know it’s usually straightish people that are there, but one never knows.  Friday I have to do something, maybe I will go dancing. 

I don’t have enough money to take Cree lessons from the University, BUT there are supposed to be free Cree lessons at Oskayak which I am going to start next week.  I am gonna work really hard and aim to have a rudimentary conversation with my Grandpa by the end of it!

Anyway, I can’t think of anything else to write.  I am going to go back to skimming this blog for entries to put in my book, and also waiting for this video to transfer to my Flashdrive.

Tomorrow is my Tattoo appointment! 😀  Yippee!  I hope it goes well, it has been six years since I’ve been tattooed.  It’s such a little tattoo.  It probably won’t take long!  I’m excited.

I finally shelled out 109 bucks of my meager monthly income to get a 1TB external hard drive for storage of extra video files and other stuff.  It’s a super sweet little drive, tiny, but big!  I managed to free up 376 GB on my laptop and now I am able to work with a lot more video than before!  Makes me happy.  My computer was so unhappy before, and FCPX wasn’t letting me save anymore because there wasn’t enough room on the computer!  Which is a major drag when you are trying to finish up a video.

I’ve got some good news I can’t announce yet, but I can stoke you all up for some antici . . . . pation!

I’m feeling more able to fall in love with someone new.  I feel like I am getting out of the rut of unrequited loves that I was unfortunate enough to have.   I’m also appreciating this art of doing nothing yet letting things happen.  I feel like I am noticing opportunities more often, romantic and otherwise.

You know, even though I am always complaining about how there is no one in Saskatoon for me and I have to move away to find love, I think actually that I am wrong.  Over the last few years there have been a number of women I have attempted to court or ended up “hanging out” with and it involved maybe making out or sometimes just sexual tension and maybe it hasn’t worked out with anyone yet, but I have felt like I could love at least three of these odd friends.  Which maybe means love can appear anywhere.  I know there was at least one friend that I was really sure I was falling in love with until she suddenly had a boyfriend and that all fizzled out.

But you know, the other problem is that I was also mired in addiction for most of my time here in Saskatoon.  I mean, the sober thing is still relatively new.  It’s been over a year without booze, but out of the seven years I have been here, that’s not much time.  I wasn’t much of a potential girlfriend while I was using.  I was too interested in being high or drunk.  And I was sort of always hungry for substances, like I felt empty without them, which made me really boring. 

+++++++++++++THE NEXT DAY++++++++++++

I got my tattoo! 😀  I am so excited about it!  It hurt mostly in one little area, the head of the dolly I was getting tattooed on my arm.  The legs and body and arms were like, a milder pain.  It’s funny how tattoo pain changes depending where on your body it is being done.  It’s on the inside of my arm too, which is sort of new for me, except for the armbands I have.  Anyway, here is a pic!

It’s from two series of drawings my Mom did, “Misuse Is Abuse” and “Living-Post-OKA-Kind-Of-Woman.”  She had this little dolly figure who was based off a doll Sky and I had when we were kids.

I wonder what ever happened to the original doll?

Anyway, my tattoo artist was super excited to be doing it and she got the sketchy aspects of it really well.  It’s very faithful to the original, which makes me happy.  It’s sort of a tribute to my Mom, without being a tattoo that says “Mom.”  Mum is really happy with it, we keep looking at it and saying CUTE!  It’s nice to know I will carry a piece of my mom’s art with me everywhere I go.

I’m really tired, and I have been out all night.  It’s almost four am!  OMG!  And I have to show the basement suite tomorrow between 1 and 3!  Cripes!  The pups are all asleep.  I envy them, they never toss and turn, they just lie down and that’s that, they are out!

So I am trying to get back to what I was doing when my blog was more popular, which is writing essays, and I think I sort of did that in my last entry.  But this post, since I haven’t had an epiphany to write about, will probably be more like usual, just blabbing about life.

I was in Estevan this morning, Mom and I went down there yesterday for a closing reception of a group show she was in.  It was nice, but we ate all this road food for the last thirty hours or so and so I got tired of it.  The hotel was nice, we had two queen beds and I had a really good sleep.  I didn’t do any driving down, but when we drove back up I drove from Davidson, which is just over an hour from Saskatoon.  Mom stuck her finger in my ear while I was going 110 km an hour down the highway and I was like “Ahhhhhhh!  Don’t!”  I’m very inexperienced on highways, it still makes me nervous.

On the way back, just before we went through Regina, we took a detour to Rouleau which is where Corner Gas was filmed.  We got a bunch of pictures of us in front of beloved set pieces like the gas station and the Ruby.  It was fun.  The set was a lot smaller in person than it seemed in the tv show.  They had the Dog River police car there too.  It was super easy to find.  I kind of wanted us to go looking for Oscar and Emma’s house, but it probably wouldn’t get the same impact as those iconic buildings.  And besides, we were just passing through.

I didn’t get the job/residency.  It bummed me out, but also it might be good because then I can concentrate on writing grants, which I have to do.  I would have liked to learn about working with actors, but maybe I can get some books out of the library, I should look at what they have.

I am going to be applying with my Mars project to the Sask Arts Board.  I’m going to do it as a web series though.  I really hope I can get funding, this will be the third time I’ve tried to get it funded, the first time applying to SAB though.  Canada Council juries rejected it twice.  Which means I can’t apply to them again, at least not with this project.

I finally did my final report for Sask Arts Board.  All I have to do now is take it down and drop it off on Monday.  It really wasn’t that hard.  I have another report I have to do for Canada Council, for my travel grant to go to Tribeca Film Festival.  Should be simple. 

I’m realizing I need to make a conscious decision to make a living doing my own projects.  Nobody’s going to hire me to make a tv series or a movie if I don’t just do it myself for a while.  I do get grants sometimes, the trick is utilizing them so that I am constantly learning new skills that are useful down the road.  Like, I need to work with actors, so if I can get funding for a web series, maybe I can hire some actors to work with for a few weeks or something.  And learn!  I don’t know how I will make money, but clearly some web series DO make money, so I can look into that.  It’s advertising.  Blah!

It’s a Friday night!!!  I’m pretty tired, we got up early to come home.  It’s my friend’s birthday but she didn’t invite me out with her to party, so I am staying home and anyway, she would probably just want me for a designated driver anyway and I am retiring from that.  I don’t get treated well enough and it’s a sucky job because drunks are incredibly irritating.  UGH!  And the bonus of being sober is that you don’t hang out with drunks anymore, so why would I?  I do like going to bars, but not like, straight dance clubs.  UGH!  They are the ultimate in tedium.  I’d rather be in a gay dance club or a straightish pub where there are places to sit and food.  AND my friends who drink want to drink until the bitter end, and I’d rather go home around one.  I don’t want to be out at two thirty!  BLEH!  So nope nope nope!  No more hanging around with drunks!  I’ll hang out with them before they go out drinking!

I did go with my friend Daniel to this pub called State and Main and had some non alcoholic beers tonight, which was nice because we chatted about all kinds of things.  Then we walked through downtown at around 9:10 and it was already sketchy.  We passed a group of about four nine year olds who were smoking weed and exclaiming about the “Good Kush!”  They looked like they came from just over Idylwyld in Riversdale, and they probably stole it from their parents.  My mom pointed out that at least they weren’t huffing, or doing IV drugs, which is true, it could be worse.  I thought I was over being shocked by drug use, but drug use, even something soft like weed, among pre-pubescent youth is still pretty shocking to me.

Daniel was asking me if as a sober person, there were things I do that are mind altering, or if all of that is gone.  I started coming up with a list of sober yet mind altering things, like exercise, and meditation, and piercings, and when I get tattooed this next week it will be mind altering, and pain like as in BDSM.  Which I really don’t do nearly enough, if at all.  Not at all.  I miss it.  I never had it on a regular basis, it was a pretty special occasion thing, but if I had my way it would be more integrated into my life.

I’m getting tattooed by my Mom’s friend’s daughter Tramaine on Friday! It’s going to be a piece of my Mom’s artwork, her little dollies from Misuse Is Abuse.  I’m excited!  It should be a really fast and relatively easy tattoo.  Not as hardcore as getting all those scales done on my dragon.  It’s going to be on the same arm as the Dragon too!  Mom likes tattoos because she says they are like warm drawings.  And I do want something for my mom, without just getting something that says “Mom” on it. 

Anyway, that’s all she wrote!  She being me!  I have to sleep!

I was gonna write a blog about being pissed off at some antifeminist fat hating men on facebook using someone’s picture to be dickheads, but on the way I was reading some Tumblr and I saw a gifset of Sailor Moon’s wedding to that Tuxedo dude, and it hit me.

I was raised by a feminist mother, I was raised by a single mom, I have been to two weddings in my whole life, TWO!  Yet I have been totally taken in by the media’s pressure to aspire to a white wedding.  I always toyed with the idea of getting married one day.  When I realized I was a lesbian I switched to aspiring to having a commitment ceremony, until the laws in Canada changed and it was legal to get married.  Then I aspired to a wedding with diamond rings (which are fraught with bad politics!) and I guess a cake and shit like that.  It would be my happy ending, even though realistically it should be a new beginning and the start of something.  But I understand that the narrative arc of even the contemporary woman ends with marriage, EVEN for lesbians.  Maybe especially for lesbians because we have been reduced to being all about Gay Marriage.  Maybe it ends with children, but I never really saw myself as the child raising type.  But yes, I have been suckered into the wedding dream.

I can’t even pinpoint when it started.  So many stories of women in pop culture have this be all end all wedding thing show up.  Or the suggestion at a future wedding which will finally bring this girl fulfillment.

And my Mom never had a serious relationship while I was growing up, besides the one with Dad which ended before I can remember.  And I never really put the wedding dream onto my Mom’s life, I never thought she would be finally fulfilled when she had a man and walked down the aisle.  She seemed fulfilled without all that junk.  She had a career and her kids and her community and did a lot of work in the art world often voluntarily.  That seemed good enough for her.

But for me, no!  It had to be a wedding!  With people dancing and a cake and a reception and a small service which obviously can’t be in a church because Christians are squicked by homos, at least officially.  Maybe in a garden?  Or if I was really daring, during an elopement at city hall, followed by a honeymoon in Hawaii or something.

Ironically, I didn’t give a great deal of thought to the kind of woman I wanted to marry.  I mean, I think once in my early twenties I made a list of characteristics I wanted my girlfriend/future wife to have, but I’ve since then lost the list and also NONE of my girlfriends met all the requirements, even though some of them had serious marriage potential.  I haven’t made a list in a long time.  They say it’s a good exercise, you learn what you are looking for in a partner at least.

I’m sort of glad gay marriage wasn’t legal when I was in my early twenties.  Not to disparage my girlfriends, it’s just that I could see us making a rash decision to get married within a week and then having to pay a whole bunch of money to be properly divorced later on.  There was even one really sweet girlfriend who used to call me her wife, and now has a wife, who is not me, and so I sometimes wonder.

I am terrified of divorce.  I am terrified of having to give half my stuff to someone, garnish my wages for alimony, paying over a thousand dollars in legal fees to do the legal equivalent of ripping my marriage certificate in half.  I don’t really think all divorces are like that, I just know if I marry the wrong person, I will also be destined to win the lottery just before the divorce and have to give half my winnings to them.  Even though they probably always made fun of me for the “idiot’s tax” I was paying and that’s just one of many reasons I am divorcing them.

So I probably already mentioned that my psychic said I have one more breakup before I meet The One I end up with for the rest of my life.  She was right about a lot of things, so I feel a little more hopeful that there will be a Forever kind of love in the future.  But it also means I have to earnestly have a relationship with someone and fall in love for real AND be aware that a break up is highly likely AND not marry them foolishly.  Which seems like a tall order.  Like being withholding, which is unfair.  She’s been telling me about this next break up for seven years.  And so I kept finding women and seriously thinking “Yes!  I could break up with her!  It wouldn’t be so bad!  Maybe it would be bad, but at least all the bad things between us won’t be an issue eventually because we will break up!”  Terrible!  I have to stop thinking like that.

I just don’t want to get married TWICE!  That seems tacky.  I know it’s quite common, it just seems like I want to be really serious when I get married, I want to mean it, I want to be forever!  I want our ashes to be mixed together when we die, and shot out into space to orbit for six months and then burn up in the atmosphere and we will be falling stars over New Mexico or something.  Or Something.  I mean, I’m open to final decisions about our resting places.  I just don’t want to end up in the Indian Graveyard that turns into a White Suburb.

My friends have been getting married all over the place.  I often don’t have funds to travel to weddings, well okay I would probably never pay to travel to someone’s wedding to be honest.  But I see the pictures, and they all seem like good ideas.  Really the most interesting part of weddings is that it’s a chance to have a party to celebrate your lurve!

But I have a bad history with parties.  People don’t want to come to my parties.  I hope people want to come to my wedding, but I am dubious.

Either way, I think I need to sit down with my feminist values and really contemplate future weddings and if I really want the inevitable let down of post wedding blues, when there are still dishes to wash and dog poop to pick up and hands that go all pins and needles from too much fucking when someone’s having a hard time having an orgasm.  Actually that last bit doesn’t sound too bad.  I don’t mind fucking for a long time to get my partner off.  BUT my point is, it won’t be the end of my life, credits won’t roll, I will still have a lover who now lives with me and who I have to engage with every day even through the rough times.

I guess then it will just be the sex that keeps us together.  Speaking of which, I really need to get better at fucking, I wish I had more practice.

I haven’t heard about the residency yet.  Hopefully tomorrow I will get news!

I had to do some work today and got a thing uploaded and then my Mom was like “Do you want to come for a car ride?  We’re taking Grandpa to the doctor and he usually gets in really quick so it won’t take long.”  And so I go with her and Grandpa and he was at the doctor’s for TWO HOURS!  They did take him in quick, but everything they had to do took so long, an xray, a urine sample, it was highly involved!  He’s fine he just needs to take some pills for a while.  But oy!  I was sitting there playing with my phone and I got bored on Facebook so I went to Tumblr but my dash was full of naked ladies with their legs spread so I had to go to Twitter and then Savage Love just to have a more appropriate screen.  Awkward!

And then after all that we had to get his prescription filled, and then we had to visit my sister, and then we finally went home!  And I relaxed for a little bit and then I went back to work on my Final Report for SAB.  It’s pretty much done!  I just need to make a DVD and make a copy of another receipt and then I am ready to submit it to their office!  So I am gonna work on that tomorrow and take it down to the office.  I also have to do a Canada Council final report, but I have decided not to apply for the Oct 1 deadline because I don’t have a project for them yet.  Someday!  Probably in March I will apply again.  Arty business!

I have to write some grants, I am applying for a slightly larger grant from SAB, hopefully I get it.  I’m gonna apply for a web series. 

What else?  Dora the Corgi is getting bigger, and more polite!  Right now she is eating a moth.  Actually she got bored of the moth, she just killed it. 

I have too much of a tender heart for this world.  I hate cruelty, and yet I eat meat.  And I can’t NOT eat meat, because I end up feeling sickly when I am just eating everything else.  And I hate reading news and terrible things that happen to animals.  UGH!  It really fucks up my day.  Oddly enough I don’t feel so bad about terrible things happening to people, which is really weird.  Animals seem more innocent I guess. 

Little Mister needs his teeth done or he is gonna have to get extractions.  And it’s gonna cost me 600 bucks.  Sigh.  I really need a larger income.  Somehow I will have a decent life!  I’ll get a big contract to make a movie and make my fortune on the back end when everyone wants to see it and own it and show it. 

The funny thing is I used to have big dreams about being rich and living in a giant house, and now I just want enough money for some really basic things.  Like a condo and a car and to be able to pay for internet and cable and regular bills, and to go on vacations from time to time.  I wonder how I am going to do that.  Sad to see dreams diminish. 

Well, I think I am going to get all the pups to bed and do a tarot reading for my life.  I did one about my love life and now I think I need one for my career, since I am career minded these days.  I hope I hear tomorrow about that job!