So today (it’s only 16 minutes into today, but it is the 18th!) is my one YEAR anniversary of quitting drinking!  I can’t believe that much time has gone by!  It was awkward at first, and I felt bummed out that I couldn’t have fun in that way anymore.  BUT I also haven’t gotten pukey drunk in over a year and I saved a lot of money and my liver has gotten better.  All good things.  My relationship to alcohol has totally changed.  I have still been around drunks, but it’s been nice not drinking and being able to drive myself home whenever because I am still sober.

I don’t have much else to say about being dry for a year.  It’s just a good feeling to get to this point!  I’m pretty happy with myself.  I am even amazed that I went to Tribeca and was able to decline free mimosas!  So much free alcohol was being passed around, and I didn’t have any.  It was probably my biggest test of my sobriety!

I’m doing good in other ways.  My friend did friend me on facebook in the end, so that was nice.  I still miss her, and don’t know if I will ever see her again.  BUT there is a chance she might come to this screening of mine here during Pride, so that would be awesome.  I’m so nervous that I will be like Stan Marsh on Southpark and puke when I see her from nervousness!  But I don’t even know if I will see her.  Who can say?

I’m going to be applying for some grants this fall, aside from that there isn’t much going on in my life.  I think this summer will be super laid back, once I do these screenings and performance and stuff.  I’m looking forward to going camping and driving out in the country.  I’m thinking about getting a super part time job just to bring a little more money into my life.  Even one that paid two hundred a month would be a help.

Things could always change without much notice.  Life has a way of doing that.  I don’t know what the future will bring, but I am still looking forward to it.

Well, Tribeca was awesome!!!! I know I haven’t written here in a while, I’ll just tell you some highlights to catch you up.

I went to three screenings of my film and three screenings of other films.  I got some good feedback from some audience members and other filmmakers.  I went to a filmmaker’s brunch and met some friendly directors, I also was ten feet away from Robert DeNiro AND Lil’ Bub!  My Mom went with me to a lot of the other events, we didn’t see any other celebs except at the awards night, we saw Whoopi Goldberg, Christine Baranski, and Mira Sorvino.  Also we saw Ron Howard’s daughter Bryce Dallas Howard on the red carpet! 

Besides doing film festy things, we also did a lot of shopping and I have a bunch of clothes now and two new bras and it is all really exciting.

And I had my 35th birthday in New York City and we went to the Grand Central Oyster Bar and had oysters on the half shell and swordfish steak with fake beer!  It was sweet!

I’ve been home since the 29th.  It’s been alright being back, but I had to say goodbye to a good friend who has moved across the country, which was sad although I am also happy for her and the sexy new adventures she is gonna have.  I also had enough of myfile on the York website saying No Decision Yet for my grad application, so I called the department and they told me I had been on the waitlist but in the end they didn’t take me, and they only admitted four people to the grad program this year.  So that was disappointing.

Then I got all frustrated and was all “I’m moving out of Mom’s house!”  And then I thought about it a bit more and realized I probably couldn’t find roommates who could deal with my dog not being fully housebroken and that 1000 a month really isn’t much to live on and I have a better deal at my moms.  I also realized Steven has stopped doing shitty things like listening to his music loud in the middle of the night and stuff.  So it’s not really a matter of saving my sanity to get away from him anymore.  And I’m tired of people judging me for living with my mom.  They make a lot of assumptions about it that aren’t true.  Like all the people who think I don’t pay rent.  I pay rent.  And I put in money for groceries.  And if I didn’t live with mom she would have to get another roommate anyway to cover her living costs.  And she and I get along really well.  I mean, we squabble, but it’s very minor most of the time.

Anyway blah blah blah.  I might live with Mom until I move in with a girlfriend.  Ha ha ha ha!  Actually I feel super shitty about my girlfriend prospects now that I have to stay in this stupid city.  There isn’t anyone I have a crush on besides She Who Will Not Be Named.  And she’s not even my facebook friend even though we have all this history, because she keeps something like 30 friends and it’s a bit of an exclusive club like with a velvet rope and all that.  OMG!  We actually saw one of those in New York on 17th Street.  There were people going halfway down the block in a line up and at the door were some discerning buff doormen picking and choosing people out of the crowd and people pleading and arguing with them and telling them they didn’t know this club was gonna be like this.  It was like a scene out of Party Girl.

Which reminds me, I did not see Parker Posey anywhere at Tribeca.  Oh well.

My Mom thinks she should arrange my marriage now, which is an old joke we’ve had for ages but now she has watched all these matchmaker shows and I am getting nervous.

I’m getting crabbier and crabbier lately.  I’m trying to be happier, but I have these cousins who keep taking advantage of me and my mom, and it’s stressing me out and making me grit my teeth and want to bitch them out.  One of them took one of my Mom’s Lush products, like just went into the drawer in the bathroom and stole it!  No asking if she could have it, nothing, just outright theft!  It really makes me not want to have her in my house.  And another one owes me 22 bucks and I have like, no money, and she was supposed to pay me back on Friday and now it’s technically Wednesday and I really doubt I’m gonna get it today.  And it just pisses me off.  SO fuck this shit!

I’m not lending money or buying food or drinks for anyone anymore.  If that means people hang out with me less that is okay, I can find other friends who can afford to go out.  I’m sick and tired of these fucking moochers.  Moochers! 

What else?  Well besides being crabby about that, I actually feel a bit hopeful.  I think I might have a good summer.  I’m trying to figure out what that looks like.  I think barbecues, camping, swimming, hot tubbing, things like that.  I have a performance in Prince Albert coming up, and a screening in Saskatoon.  So that’s good, I will get a little money.  I am thinking of putting it towards a tattoo.  The only thing that sucks about getting a tattoo is you can’t swim for a month after getting a tattoo, unless it’s in the ocean!  And you can’t hot tub either!  I would have to be willing to sacrifice a month and a half or so of swimming time if it takes two sittings to get this tattoo done!  I have to think about it.

We had eight months of snow.  It was brutal.  Eight fricken months!  Ugh!  That’s more than half the year!

Speaking of long time periods, on May 2nd was five months without a cigarette!  And on May 18 will be one year without alcohol!  And 16 months without weed! 😀  My record for being nicotine free was six months, so I have to go beyond it, but this is the first time I’ve been so close to it since 2007!  Pretty awesome!

Well, guess I should go sleep now.  So that’s been life, some good, some bad. 

So it’s day three of this nasty ass rash that started on my neck and back and has over the last few days spread to include all of my body except my crotch and palms.  It’s under my hair, it’s on my feet, it’s on my fingers, it’s on my arms.  Yesterday I took some Benadryl and nearly fell asleep at the mediclinic.  Then when I DID get home from the mediclinic I went straight to my room and slept for two hours.  The doctor at the mediclinic thinks it’s a contact rash or something I ate and gave me six Reactins to take once a day.  I took my second one today and it has helped a little but dammit, I still have a rash.

And it HURTS when I scratch, and if I scratch a whole bunch of new itchy bumps form where my nail has scratched.  It’s awful.  Stupid rash! 

So anyway, I might go see a real doctor soon, I am making an appointment tomorrow to get in to my regular doc. 

Speaking of medical issues, I have made the decision to discontinue my birth control pills.  I like that they lessen my period, BUT I don’t like having to remember to take them every day and I REALLY don’t like that I think they have lowered my sex drive to non-existent.  So to hell with them.  Plus I am a Lesbian, and I don’t fuck men, or anybody really, but especially not men, so they are kind of useless.  I think I am going to try and get an ablation so I can stop having my period altogether.  I have to do more research.  But one thing is for sure, I do not want kids!  And I’m already nearly 35, I think my biological clock would have kicked in more strongly if I had any kind of maternal instinct.   So an ablation is totally reasonable.

I washed my sheets today and they went inside my damn duvet cover and anyway, there is still kitty fur all over them.  Dammit! 🙁

What else?  I am writing a fictionalized account of sobriety.  It should be interesting.  I have a page and a half written already.  I need a minimum of seven pages, preferably ten, and then I can submit it.  I also have to do some editing of it at the end probably.  Just to make it flow better.  I hadn’t written in a while so it was fun to start today.  It was also annoying because my Mum kept interrupting to ask me goofy questions!  Oh well.  I guess next time I will put my headphones on.

It’s still freakin’ snowing here!  What the eff!?  There is snow EVERYWHERE!  It’s not leaving!  Why why why?  Last winter was so mild, and this winter is so evil, and it’s not even winter, it’s officially spring, and yet there is NOTHING green around here, it’s white like the oppressors!  AhhhhhhhhhHh!

Well, that’s about all I have to say today.  I’m tired.  Reactin is non-drowsy, thank god, but it is midnight and so it’s time for me to go sleepies.

I haven’t written in a while because I got some really good news that I wasn’t allowed to talk about for three weeks!  I had to wait until the official press release came out.

Anyway, my film “Sight” has been selected for the Tribeca Film Festival!!!! 😀  I am going to New York City to schmooze with the movie stars and moguls and probably rogue experimental film curators.  I am in the ONE experimental shorts program.  And they are opening with my film for that program too! 😀  So that makes me feel good, it’s an auspicious placement as far as a shorts program goes!  I am so freakin’ excited, I want to meet Parker Posey!  And John Cameron Mitchell!  And that’s all I can think of, I am sure there will be other people there that make me star struck though.

My Mom is coming with me.  I didn’t think I would be able to do New York City on my own without having panic attacks and stuff.  Berlin was different because I had friends there and stuff, and I had been there bunches of times.  But New York City, I have only been to once before, and that was in 2000.  When You Know What was still standing.  And traveling with my Mom is pretty good, we are good travel buddies.  She came with me to Scotland and helped make all the plans.  She was awesome.

So I am hoping to get her a pass or something so she can accompany me to the screenings and events.  Because I am not sure what I will do if I can’t get her in.  I sent an email tonight to the guy I am supposed to send questions to.

What else?  Tomorrow I am talking on a panel with my friend Adrian Stimson and also Marjorie Beaucage about Two Spirited Art making and so on and so forth.  I’m not sure if I should make notes, but I think I will just wing it.  Sometimes that is a good idea and sometimes it’s a BAD idea.  I guess we’ll find out tomorrow. 

Tomorrow afternoon will be 100 days without a cigarette!  I’m getting there!  This is the second longest I’ve gone without a smoke!  I am still doing lozenges though, but I think I might be able to wean off them pretty quick.  The longest I went was six months.  I am halfway there! 

My romantic life has seen a glimmer of possibilities.  I doubt there will be anything, but it’s sort of fun for now just pondering the What Ifs!  I still don’t want to get involved with anyone until I know if I am staying in Saskatoon or leaving for Toronto.  Because going to school while looking backwards with longing is not very nice.  I remember when I first moved to Vancouver when I was eighteen I was still thinking about Rheanne and wanting to move her to be with me and stuff and it was really impossible and just Not Going To Happen.  And I did get over it, but it sucked for a while.

Maybe I will meet someone in New York City and fall hopelessly in love and then try to help them immigrate to Canada.  It happens to a lot of Canadians.  Stupid border. 

By the way, Beatrix peed on my leather jacket.  I cleaned it, it is fine, but it made me change my mind about keeping her.  I am going to keep her until the end of April and then I am getting her into this Barn Cat program at the SPCA where they try to place cats into barns of decent human beings who need mousers they can pet but don’t want in the house.  I think she would make a good barn cat. 

Little Mister is good!  He’s middle aged now, he’s getting white on his chin.  He will be eight on May 17th!  He’s sleeping beside me right now.

What else?  I am ready to step into the next phase of my career.  I am not sure what that will look like, but I am looking forward to it.  I’m glad “Sight” is getting accolades.  It’s had a pretty quiet life until recently.  Thank god for distributors!  They make everything better!

Stay tuned for amusing anecdotes about being shown at such a major festival!

Sister (AKA Hermione my Mum’s wiener dog) made me laugh today!  I was handing Mum some crackers and philly cream cheese and she asked for the knife and when I handed it to her, Sister jumped back all appalled like I was threatening her!  Since then Mum has said I pulled a knife on Sister!  Poor Hermiones!

Dinner wasn’t started until 6:30 and it took two hours to cook.  I was crabby all evening until I finally got to eat.  It didn’t help that I had skipped lunch. 

Little Mister got a haircut a while ago and a bath and his toenails trimmed and he is looking sharp!  He’s being very sweet.

ALSO I have made my decision about Beatrix Kitty.  Shantay she stays!  I am going to take her with me if I move.  I’ve discovered that weirdo cat has crawled into my heart and made a home with me, so I don’t want to let her go.  She is pretty special, and she’s so sweet.  I wish she didn’t pee on towels, but as long as she’s not peeing on couches/beds/etc then it is okay.  I do still need to take her to the vet to get checked out.  I need to find out if she has a urinary tract infection.  What a drag!

I am going backwards in my crushes.  I have gone back THREE crushes!  I had that little weird couple of months or so where I was thinking a lot about Rheanne, and now I have gone back to the crush I had BEFORE Rheanne and I even got together in 2006.  It’s kind of ridiculous, and it’s not going to go anywhere and I’m not going to say anything about it to the crushee.  I don’t know why I am torturing myself.  She didn’t want me then either, it was totally unrequited.  And anyway, bah!  I have to just ignore this crazy blip of trying to find a girlfriend until my life has direction again and I know where I am going to live.  If I do move to Toronto then I DEFINITELY have to get over Rheanne because she never wants to leave Saskatoon, and if I don’t go to Toronto then I have to start getting out more and finding single women who are possibilities here. 

Whatever.  I have a career I am trying to manage too, in all of this.  I have such a weird career, it’s not getting me much money.  And so far Canadian funding agencies have not supported my attempts to move into dramatic feature filmmaking, or even dramatic longer form videos.  I’ve bitched about this before so I am not going to bitch again.  I’ll just say that I have been held back for about three years and it is pissing me off.  I had better find my floss and start flossing because I need the extra years added to my lifespan so I can make some movies, when I am finally accepted at the age of 40 or whatever.  Arg!  I hate the jury process sometimes.

I need a patron of the arts really, that would help.  Or to win the lottery.  Someone won 30 million yesterday, but they are in Ontario.  So it wasn’t me.  Sucks.

I can hear someone licking water.  I wonder if it is Beatrix Kitty.

Luke told us this very long story about his medications on Friday.  It gave me a headache.  He tells us things we don’t care about, and dominates the conversation and is generally a pain.  I wish he had better social skills, it feels kind of sad to be so annoyed by someone I was so close to as a child.

Also a friend died, I feel like he deserves more than to be in a rambly post, so I am doing to try and write a little something about him soon.

I got some really good news that I can’t talk about yet yesterday.  But know that I will FOR SURE be talking about it once I get the go ahead, don’t you fret!  It’s pretty exciting!

So now I have a shit ton of stuff I have to do.  I’m kind of glad, because my life was so up in the air for a while there.  And now I know I have some good things coming down the pipe.  One thing I CAN tell you about is I am doing a performance during Pride in Prince Albert this June.  I haven’t done performance art since 2006, just after my cousin died, so it will be interesting to have to do actions/talking in front of a live audience.  I am gonna have to be creative too, which is good, because I need to get my brain going again.  I have been in a lull ever since I finished Boi Oh Boi. 

I’m thinking of making work about addictions, especially within families, but I’m a little worried about my family getting offended.  It has to stew for a while.

I need to make a To Do list today.  And I need to do some paperwork this weekend, which is due on Monday.  Tonight I am going out to shoot some video of a band, I’m getting some pocket money for it, so I’m happy with that.  Next week I get paid, and almost all of it goes away into rent and stuff.  I’m behind on my cell bill.  I need about 200 bucks to pay it off, crappy lappy!

We looked at a virtual tour of the bachelor suites in York Grad residences, and I was pleased to note they did NOT have carpeted floors!  Because Little Mister + Carpet = Mess. 

I’m really optimistic today.  I’m feeling better about my career, for one thing.  I think going to school for screenwriting is a good idea, it’s not going to be a waste of time.  Of course, I still don’t know if I have been accepted yet.  I really want to get in.  I think my options would open up if I got out of Saskatchewan.  The Saskatchewan Party really doesn’t support film or television here.  And I heard BC is going in the same direction, which is appalling considering how strong the film industry is there and how much revenue it brings into the province.  These provinces are shooting themselves in the foot. 

I hope I don’t get to Ontario only to find they ditch support for film too!  That would suck.  I’d have to move on.  Like the Littlest Hobo, only not a dog.  The Littlest Filmmaker.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll wanna settle down.  Until tomorrow I’ll just keep moving on!

I need a shower.  I need to get my video gear together.  I need to do some stuff.  I’m in a tizzy!  I need supper too! 

I haven’t had a set schedule for a number of months now.  My days are all fairly open, and I am often at a loss of what to do to fill the time.  When I am working on a grant or my grad school application, I have things to do that take up a large portion of my time.  But at the moment I am not applying for grants, and my grad school application is in.

Tomorrow my main thing will be getting to my psychiatrist at three.  It’s just a check up, nothing major, my meds will most likely remain the same.  I can’t think of anything I need her to do.  She might send me off for blood tests to find out if my valproic acid levels are still in the therapeutic range and not in the Very Bad range of It Might Kill You.  And she might need to see if my blood sugar is normal too, because my antipsychotic has an alarming tendency to increase diagnoses of type 2 diabetes.  But everything has been normal before, so I don’t expect anything out of the ordinary.

I might go and get a leather coat, I have a little bit of money and I need a new coat, so we are going to see if we can find one with a removable liner for colder days.  That would be really nice.

Today I paid off my web hosting bill, which was hanging over my head and giving me nightmares that my domain name would be hijacked by fucking Go Daddy!  Anyway, all is well in internet land.  It’s the website for my company.  I also have to pay the incorporation fees this month, to keep my Inc name.  That’s about all I am doing for my business, the minimal amount to keep it alive.  Just in case.  One never knows!

Valentines Day is creeping up.  I never have anything special to do on Valentines Day.  It’s not going to be a big deal to be single yet again.  It’s too bad, only because I like scheming up romantic things to do for somebody when I am partnered.  But whatever, I can do them some other day in the unknown future.

Tomorrow Mum and I are going for Dim Sum lunch at Genesis, then looking at recliners for Grandma and Grandpa.  They are moving to a smaller place where Grandma can get more care.  And they need another recliner instead of their couch.  We also have to write a list of all the things we have to do before they move.  It’s coming up pretty quick!

I should go to bed.  Today was alright, semi productive.  And I got to see my Auntie and then my Cuzzie. 

I wish I had tips for persons not in school or regularly employed to make a schedule, but I don’t.
**********************
Some days later . . .

Well it is now Saturday night after Valentines Day!  I got some good advice from my psychiatrist about turning off my laptop two hours before bed and also taking my risperidone at 9 instead of when I am getting into bed.  Of course I didn’t do any of that today.

I was busy almost all day yesterday.  In the early afternoon I hung out with my friend Daniel and we got cupcakes, an hour later I ate both my cupcakes one after the other.  Then after five I went for dinner with my friend Shavonne and then we went to a movie and then we visited.  She told me what she has learned in her research about moving.  There are these things called Uhaul Pods that you fill with your stuff and then they drive it over and you unload it and voila!  And they are the cheapest option for moving stuff.  So I am likely doing that, I priced it out, my stuff would cost about 1500 to move.  I just have a bed and boxes.  And I am attached to my bed, I don’t want to buy a new one!

Then I was at home and my friend L sent me a text and we drove around for a couple hours after midnight just talking.  It was nice.

Today was quiet.  Mum and I ran around doing errands.  We had coffee with Grandma and Grandpa.  Grandma gave me her cherry ice cream. 

I snuggled with Little Mister this evening.  I combed him too, he has such long fur and it was getting smelly.  My cat showed up for pets too.  She’s sitting right beside this laptop in my bed as I type.

I didn’t get a valentine for Valentines Day, I sent one, but it was a low key kind of funny one because I knew this girl would like it, and I like her and always want to make her laugh because I am that kind of person.  She did like it and said thank you.

Sheesh, what else?  I looked up York on Grad Cafe which has people posting their rejections/acceptances/waitlistings for grad admissions and when and how.  In 2010 on March 17 someone got accepted into the production stream via phone.  That was three years ago, I have no idea when they will decide this year.  It could be totally different!  I haven’t checked through My File in a while, I guess I should, but there definitely won’t be a decision this early.

I also found out Oberhausen won’t publish their program for this year until April, which is only a month away from the festival.  So I don’t know when I will hear if I got in.  I hope I hear next month, because I will need to get my traveling shit together and stuff.  I have to renew my passport too, it’s up in June and countries don’t like letting people in if their passports aren’t good for at least six months.  So I have to do that. 

I have to save up money for moving too.  I realized I won’t need that much.  Just maybe 3000 to be safe.  Mom said we could drive there, but she doesn’t want to drive back alone.  Or we could fly I guess.  I have to move Mister and Beatrix too!  Poor little sods!  Beatrix is pretty attached to me, I am worried her peeing will make me have to give her away, but she really likes me.  Little Mister is mine forever!  I will never let him go!  I’m his forever home!  He loves me best out of anybody!

Anyway, blah blah blah!  I don’t have much else to report, and I think I want to cuddle my dog now. 

So on Friday I went back to Concurrent Disorders group.  I hadn’t been there since October 5th!  It’s improved from my last visit, I didn’t share anything, but I liked the way people were supportive of each other and I feel like it would be a good place for me to be again.  Yay!  So I can feel like I am involved in keeping myself safe sane and sober.  Instead of just abstaining. 

I went to a play called Agokwe that was being presented by Sask Native Theatre Company.  It was SO freaking good!  Tomorrow is the last day it is on.  It’s a one man show and he is amazing at embodying each character, with just a word or look you know who is talking and whether they are a man or woman.  And he does this amazing queer representation of Nanabush!  It was so funny, so much Native humour and the characters talk like people I know, the expressions, the accents.  And at the end, I nearly cried, it was so heartbreaking!  It made me interested in live theatre again.

After the play we went to a bar, and chatted, and I had shirley temples, and then I met up with another friend and her two younger brothers, and we went to another bar, and I had a shirley temple and a coke.  And then I got really tired and overwhelmed by being around drunks and just wanted to go home.

But when I got home my schizophrenic cousin was in the living room (a highly unusual event) and wanting to know who was home.  So I told him it was me.  Then I got my dog out of my mums room and he wanted to know who it was.  And I told him it was me (he’s blind).  Then I went to sleep.  Then at 5:30 in the morning all the lights were on and he was in my Moms room trying to ask her a question and she yelled at him to get out and turn the lights off.  But he left the lights on so I had to get up and turn them off and then he asked who was there and I said it was me and then he asked for a smoke and I said No! (I don’t smoke anymore anyway!).  And from then until about 8:30 am he kept going to the bathroom and making a lot of noise when he shut the door and it was driving me crazy and keeping me awake.  I had the worst sleep.  I guess he came over in the early hours of the morning because he was paranoid and someone was holding the door closed when he tried to get into his place.  We suspect his girlfriend and some guy are muscling him out of his apartment.  Poor guy.  Still, he’s so friggen annoying!  Arg!  It also turned out that he hasn’t been getting his shot since October.

I’m so tired of mentally ill relatives who are becoming chronically sick for no good reason.  They know if they take medication they can lead normal lives, at least I think they know that, but they refused to stay on it.  And then they get worse and worse and have bizarre thinking and become hospitalized repeatedly or unable to function.  It’s like they are living half-lives.  And then they go on meds again and get better, and then decide to go off them again.  Like if they just don’t take the medication then they won’t be mentally ill anymore.  And it’s just not true. 

It pisses me off because I see a lot of other people saying shit about psychiatric medications and posting things about how we don’t need them and I think that line of thinking is really detrimental and harmful to people’s wellbeing.  I believed that until I went off meds and went batshit crazy.  And lost a year of productivity because I was either going insane or recovering.  It really does a lot of harm, having a major psychosis.  And whether ya like it or not, psych meds DO help a lot of people!

Anyway, BESIDES this ongoing struggle with relatives not taking their medication, I am also frustrated with the sheer scope of substance abuse in my generation.  It’s really so prevalent, and I am talking in my family, not as a general “Generation Y” kind of thing.  It’s gotten really sad.  I’m glad I am out of that kind of lifestyle, but it is still around me SO MUCH!  It’s like I can’t get away from it.  It’s really made me want to leave town and not have to deal with cousins who need to get drunk and/or stoned every day, or binge using.  I think my life would be better to not be around it.

Ha ha ha ha! Then I go to bars and drink shirley temples and wonder about why I am with people who are getting fucked up.  It’s kind of stupid when I think of it.

But I didn’t go to a bar tonight.  Tonight me and my Mom went to see Warm Bodies, which is a hopeful romantic zombie movie, where the zombie falls in love and falls out of being a zombie.  It was really good.  Then I came home, did dishes, went on a loopy bus ride, and visited mom and went on Tumblr and facebook for a while. 

I am thinking about courting somebody, but I have some doubts it will happen.  It’s kind of silly.  I won’t talk about it here.  Loose lips sink ships!

I think Steven stole four dollars from me, but I can’t prove it because I don’t remember where I put it.  Shitty!  I’m so sick of that thieving asshole!  He’s getting better but he is still essentially a jerk.

So life goes onwards.  Things are better.  I’m spending time with friends and taking my online class and letting time just pass by.  The grad school committee people meet in a week or so, and then I don’t know how long it will take them to go through applications.  I believe I will find out in April if I have been accepted.  So for now it’s just a lot of waiting.

And I have also been having friendly contact with my ex, just through email but it has made me feel better about having a casual kind of friendship with her.  She even told me things about her life, things she doesn’t usually volunteer.  Which made me feel happy.  It’s like getting to a healthier level with her where things are, well, friendly.

Being friendly is nice.

I don’t have much else to say today.  I had to do family driving duties, taking mom to work, going to Grandma’s for her doctor appointment, picking Mom up.  Mail wasn’t exciting today.  A cheque is enroute to me, or will be soon, which I am looking forward to.

I am doing this class and I also need to do my taxes.  It would really help, and I could put my GST into my moving fund. 

Oh man, it is so dry these days!  I have to put lotion on every time I bathe otherwise I dry up! 🙁

What else to report?  Oh Senator Brazeau is an ass!  He’s been an ass for ages and tonight he’s in jail.  I sometimes think maybe I should go back to writing about social issues in this blog because there’s not a whole bunch of personal growth to talk about these days, I’ve achieved and am holding onto sobriety and sanity fairly well, and so there’s not much to report on that front. 

I want a Shirley Temple.  I have become addicted to them.  I need mocktail fixin’s!

You know what?  Rejection sucks and I am tired of talking about the one big rejection that has defined my life in Saskatoon.  So my last girlfriend didn’t want to be with me anymore because I went crazy and she couldn’t deal.  So what.  So later she said she loved me but didn’t want to be with me because I had no willpower or ambition.  Like I care?  I guess I did care, but mostly I was stunned because it proved to me that she didn’t really know me.

And six years has passed and I don’t know who she has become.  Last time we tried to be friends on Facebook she was actually kind of an asshole.  So maybe it is a blessing that she has so emphatically rejected me.

My Mom and I were talking in the car today.  She was saying she has noticed I have become more optimistic about life, and then I said I didn’t feel very optimistic about my love life.  And we talked about that a bit, and she said I have this problem where I am so grateful someone likes me that I let them get away with treating me like crap.  And it’s true.  I actually can’t name a single girlfriend who was good to me with any kind of consistency.  It’s a major problem.  I have to get to the point where I don’t care if I stay single for a number of years, because I am too willing to settle for bullshit.  And it lowers my self esteem, which is shitty.  I can’t be with someone who makes me feel like shit again.  I had to put in a number of years in rebuilding my self esteem because I was bullied so much in school that I felt horrible about myself for a long time.  And why would I want to date a bully who is just going to make me feel horrible again?

I think one major change is going to be holding out for a monogamous relationship.  I’ve been in too many poly relationships where my partner wasn’t actually behaving ethically about it.  None of that anymore!  And if someone has a partner already, NO WAY am I getting involved.  Even if the other partner knows about it.  I don’t like this constant feeling I would get of being someone on the side, like number 2 or even 3.  It’s a shitty feeling to know you’re lower in priorities.  I hate that feeling, and it makes me resentful. 

I could go on and on about what makes all my past relationships shitty, but I feel like maybe that’s not a good way to draw someone new in.

And then also, I don’t even really know if I want a girlfriend here.  If I am moving anyway, what is the point?  I can be single for another eight months or more, it won’t hurt.  I’ve been single for almost six years anyway.  Another year is not a major deal.

My friend Shavonne who is moving to Montreal in May says there is no one here for us to date anyway, it’s a really small community and we are kind of like, specialty girlfriends.  Someone would have to be looking for something really specific to be interested in me.  My Mum always thinks the kinky stuff would turn someone off and that I should not be into it anymore and I could find someone, but I would be miserable if I couldn’t do all the things I am into.

And what is really depressing is I am 34 and I still haven’t found a girlfriend who I can explore all of myself with.  There is a lot of uncharted sexual territory with me.  I guess sex gets better the older you get, I’m just disappointed I never got to have crazy sex times when I was younger and had the energy to stay up all night.

Also having bipolar 1 means having major episodes that are extremely debilitating, and those have really held me back both professionally and in relationships.  It took a long time to get to a point where I felt like I could do things and move forward again.  It’s frustrating because I think people just see someone who is lazy or something and don’t clue in that the word “Disability” really means disability!  Even a mental health disability has the power to impact how you move through the world and what your capabilities are. 

Maybe that’s why I was so appalled when my ex said she didn’t want to be with me because I had no willpower or ambition.  Those things were really impacted by the fact that I was struggling with a severe mental illness.  The brand of Bipolar disorder I have is the most severe you can get, getting psychotic features is no picnic.  And then it just makes sense that I also struggled with addiction issues, because when you have a major mental illness you start self medicating and so on.  And life feels pretty shitty sometimes, so smoking up/drinking/cigarettes just become the lifestyle.  It’s not a good way to live, it’s just what happened to me.

Anyway, I always had ambition, but recovering from my last manic episode really made life difficult.  I remember the summer after I would try to write stories and I’d just sit there for an hour with a pen in my hand and maybe five sentences.  Trying to get from there to here seemed impossible.  And I was so suicidal, EXTREMELY suicidal, and ambitions kind of disappear when you just want to die.  I’m always suicidal after manias.  I just went numb and tried to think of my life as being in front of a mountain, and the mountain was time, and I couldn’t see what was on the other side, I just had to have faith that there was SOMETHING on the other side and I could get to it if I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and passing time day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.  And it was brutal.  And so maybe I didn’t have ambition for a while, I was too busy just trying to survive.  And then I had to learn how to live a normal life.  Recovery takes a really long time, it’s not just about when your symptoms go away.  It’s about figuring out how to thrive and making a support system for yourself and on and on.  It’s made up of little things and big things and taking steps that lead to other goals. 

So I guess what I am saying is I need to find a compassionate girlfriend who understands that I’m fucking disabled and that it means different things from day to day.  One day I might not be able to get out of bed, another day it might not be a good idea to leave me alone in public.  Those days are so rare now, but they are a part of my past and so it makes sense that they will be in my future at some point.  And it would be nice to find someone who doesn’t think of my disability as me being broken or having Too Much Baggage or me being fucked up.  Because it’s a health condition, and it’s passed down through my family and I am doing everything my mental health team has told me I should do.  I’m on top of it.  But that doesn’t mean it’s all over forever. 

Sometimes it pisses me off that people can’t see my disability as clearly as other disabilities.  It’s all in my head, because it’s my fucking brain!  And brains are fairly sophisticated organs!  We wear helmets and all that kind of stuff because we know we should protect our brains, but when someone has an illness that directly affects their brain, we tell them to suck it up and get over it and stop acting weird for gods sakes!  I don’t know why society doesn’t care for persons with mental health issues better.  Even just validating that I had a major episode that impacted my life would have been nice, instead of shitting on me for not doing what most people my age are doing who don’t have disabilities.  Sure I don’t have my own house and I’m not a millionaire and I don’t even have a car and I live with my Mom, but at least I am honest and nice and cute and I have a future, even if I’m not always able to see it myself.

So fuck that!  Fuck people who have unrealistic expectations of persons with mental health disabilities.  I’m doing really well, and I don’t need that kind of shaming bullshit in my life.  I’m glad my last girlfriend rejected me, she’d just be making me feel like shit if we dated anyway.