So I got an email from X Corporation.  I didn’t get the position I applied for.  Sucks!  So I don’t know why, people (people being Mum) say I should send them an email asking for feedback on why I didn’t get it.  I feel reluctant to do that though.

I’m at the end of my first week of my class, so that’s pretty good, I finished watching the lectures today and I have just a reading and writing 500 words left to do for my homework.  It’s  raised a lot of points for me about the last hundred years of mental health care in the western world.  Just learning about the history has really solidified some of my feelings around where I fit into this. 

I haven’t talked about my mental health much on here lately, just talked about my addictions.  Which is tied in to mental health, but not the same thing.  Well in case you are wondering, I’m on the lowest doses of medications I have been on in ages and I am still doing well.  I am stable, and able to cry again, and in touch with my emotions and moods but not ruled by them.  That feels pretty awesome.  The only downside is if I miss a dose of meds, I start feeling bad pretty quick.  If it’s my bedtime meds then I won’t be able to go to sleep, and if it’s my morning meds then I will get depressed. 

Actually there is one problem, my mind keeps working late into the night and I lay in bed thinking about a bunch of things.  I know I could resolve this issue somehow, I just don’t feel like it yet.  If I meditated, or read a book, like a paper and ink book, then I would probably fall asleep easier.  If I drank warm milk, or cut out all my caffeine after a certain hour I could probably sleep.  It’s but a google search away!

See, I can solve that easy, but this other issue I have been having I can’t solve.  I’m thinking about the possibility of reviving a long dead relationship.  Realistically it isn’t going to happen.  I haven’t even seen her in six years, and we live in the same city.  I stayed up late last night writing a letter to her, but when I woke up I was relieved I hadn’t copied and pasted it into an email and sent it off.  I just feel like she would laugh at me.  Or be incredibly irritated.  And neither of those reactions are what you want to get to a declaration of love.

There is a line of thought that goes “If you don’t try you will never know” but I tried before with disappointing results.  And she defriended me from Facebook a year ago, and I don’t think she wants to be friendly with me at all. 

And then part of me wonders why I care?  I guess love is hard to walk away from, but I read this article about how it’s important to form new romantic attachments.  Part of me also wonders if my interest is only because I have no one to form a new attachment with.  And I’m moving away anyway, what is the point in making a new relationship here?  I’ve never been in a relationship where someone would move for me, so I still doubt it would happen.  I feel like the best thing is to suck it up and just have masturbating dreams for the next six months and then when I move start asking people to introduce me to single lesbians.  Or change my OK Cupid location and go on internet dates.  Something.

Anyway, none of my friends want me to go backwards, because they say she treated me badly, which is true and also isn’t true.  When we were close she was really good to me.  It’s just after, when she didn’t want to be with me anymore or whatever the hell it was that she was kind of mean.  I mean, not letting me get closure with her by seeing me for coffee was and is still really hard on me.  I feel like a non-sexualized encounter of just having a conversation with her that isn’t mediated by the internet could do a lot of good for me.  But she doesn’t care about that.  And it’s not gonna happen, and it hasn’t happened for six years and I asked for it over and over and over. 

I mean, even Amber Dawn and I spent time together after our relationship ended, just getting used to each other being Not Girlfriends anymore and kind of having our goodbye moment.  It made me feel better. 

Whatever.  I am not getting closure.  Maybe I should do some kind of personal letting go ritual or something.  Like making a drawing of her and then having a viking burial of it or something.  Only there is ice on most of the river. 

When my psychic talked about her and I, back when we were hanging out and before The Terrible Incident, she said we could make a go of it and if we did we would have a lot of fun together, which I could totally see!  But she also said if we broke up it would be awful, and it was.  And I dunno, maybe we would just break up again anyway.  In fact, my next relationship IS supposed to end when I fall off the wagon a bit.  Crappy.

BUT psychics aren’t always right (except this one usually is) and I might stay on the wagon for years and years.  I just don’t know.

But what if there is someone else I am supposed to have a relationship with, someone totally new and interesting and funny and smart and sexy and all kinds of good qualities that scares me and turns me on just as much as my ex, or more? 

Now I am just babbling.  If I get into grad school, I will know soonish and be able to plan my life and move on and stuff.  And September isn’t THAT far away.  Like six months? Maybe a little more?  eight months?  Whatever, it will come around pretty quick.

I wish I didn’t love someone who was so cold to me.  That seems rather counterproductive.  I feel like I am just chasing a moment that is long gone.  I’m tired of that.  And I am tired of Saskatoon.  I have some good friends here, I will miss them, but I don’t want to live here forever.  It’s not conducive to my growth.  My plan is to live in Toronto for a while and then settle down for who knows how long in Winnipeg.  I don’t think I will ever move back to Saskatoon.  There’s no career here for me.

I started a class! 😀 I am taking “The Social Construct of Mental Health and Illness” through Coursera! I watched the Introductory video lecture just now and it was really interesting.  I can already tell I am really going to enjoy this class!  Coursera is a wicked site, it’s where you can sign up for and take university classes from reputable universities for FREE!  This class is only six weeks long, I am looking forward to the ideas it will spark for me. 

What is going on in my life?  Well I should update you with my job status.  So far it is still up in the air!  I called and asked when they would get back to us, because today has been three weeks since my interview.  They said they are still doing interviews and it would be another week or two! Holy crap!  They are hiring 25 people for various locations around Saskatchewan, so I guess it would take quite a while.  I hope I get it!  I really do need this job, it would help immensely and let me save up money for the big move!  My cuz Deanna read my tarot cards on her phone (I don’t know how accurate electronic readings are) and it affirmed that I would be getting into University and moving away.  So that is going to cost a lot to get me and the animals and our stuff there.  And we need to buy a whole bunch of new stuff when we arrive too, like kitchen crap and lamps and various household items.  And basic staples like spices and flour and condiments.  And dog and cat food and kitty litter and a new litter box and junk.  And enough to live on until my funding starts coming in.  I found out I am guaranteed an apartment in residence if I apply for one before June, so as soon as I find out I am in I am going to put my name down. 

Auntie Beth has been here, we’ve been having a good time.  Steven was only a jerky drunk twice, which is pretty good for him! 

I have work at the Mendel Art Gallery, so my opening was on Friday.  They took us out for dinner and Mum and I had a spagattini with pork and venison, it was SO GOOD!  And I asked for a shirley temple but they were out of grenadine.

I have been having shirley temples everywhere, it’s pretty much my favorite drink right now.  I like it because it’s kind of fancy and it tastes good and it has grenadine.  I went to State and Main with some queerdo ladies and my friend Emily bought shots for everyone and she wanted me to have one so she got them to make me one with chocolate milk and chocolate sauce!  It was really nice, I felt like a badass, it was so funny! 

I am still not smoking cigarettes and I am into Step 3 now, doing well, didn’t notice too much difference from Step 2.  Not like when I went from Step 1 to Step 2, I had some cravings then.  But this time the difference was so imperceptible.  It’s been a fairly painless quit this time around.  I am also taking nicotine lozenges too, I’m not sure when I will quit them but it has to be soonish.  I’m gonna give myself about a week after Step 3 is done before I go off them I think.  Just eventually forget to take them and then let nicotine go completely out of my body and move on with life.  I’m really not thinking about smoking anymore, it’s like I’ve forgotten about it.  Feb 2 will be 2 months!

I went for a coffee date last week with someone from OK Cupid.  It was nice, we talked for two hours, had lots to say to each other.  I don’t know if a spark was there, but it was a good time and friendly.

I’m really tired.  It’s late!  I’m going to turn off lappy and go to bed.  I have to get back into the Idle No More movement, I was so excited about it in the beginning and lately I haven’t gone to ANYTHING!  And it’s not because I don’t care, I think it’s just because I find out about things too late.  Shame shame!

My wet dreams are still about masturbating.  It’s rather bizarre!  If I have a dream involving someone else I will be so delighted!  I’m just directionless in my lustfullness.  No one to be horny for.  I had a dream with my ex girlfriend in it, but I can’t remember what she was doing besides being pretty.  She keeps popping up in my dreams lately, I had a dream I was gonna marry her and my family was all getting ready for our wedding and then I was like “Wait!  She’s not the second girlfriend after I saw Barb Powell!  We’re gonna break up!  I can’t marry her, I don’t wanna get divorced!”  Weird!

I really do think I’m gonna be single until I move away.  Saskatoon’s fairly thin on the ground for Thirza Appropriate girlfriends.  And the only lover I’ve had in the last six years lived in Berlin, what the hell????

So tonight I got the last confirmation from my references, and now York has ALL of my letters of recommendation!  I also checked my tracking numbers for my application and my portfolio on Canada Post’s website, and both arrived safe and sound at their destination!  I’m pretty happy!  All I have to do now is get my letter and my report from my psychiatrist mailed off to the Special Admissions Office so they will take my disability into account when looking at my transcript.  I was going to wait until I saw my psychiatrist again, but I think I will call her office tomorrow and ask her to write it for me so I can just drop by, pick it up, and get this last little piece into the mail.  I know the committees meet in February, it says I just need to get it in by April 1, but I want to do it earlier.  Just in case!

I had a candy apple today from Rocky Mountain Chocolate.  I think that’s what they are called.  They have all these fancy candy apples, I just had a plain red one.  It was so good!  Usually they just have caramel apples at the fair, but the candy ones have a special place in my heart.  We were at the mall.  My cousin went into the knife store, and so I followed her, they had FOUR knives with swastikas on them!  I was like “Holy shit!  Nazi knives!”  She said “Oh but isn’t that a Tibetan symbol?” And I was like “NO!  THESE are nazi knives!”  And they were, red and black and white, had a fucking eagle and everything.  Racist knives!  UGH!  I was surprised by how not offended she was.  I mean, who’s going to buy those?  White supremacists, that’s who! 

Anyway. 

I think I am becoming allergic to down.  I’ve been getting a stuffy nose every time I lay my head down on my pillow.  I switched pillows, so tonight I will find out if it’s true.

It has been 44 days without a cigarette!  It’s was a little rough when I stepped down to Step 2 of the patch, but now I am used to this dose of nicotine.  It’s alright.  I think this might really be it.  44 days is pretty awesome.  And I’m not drinking, which is usually when my defenses would crumble and I would bum a smoke.  I had a bunch of nicotine lozenges yesterday, but I think today I only had two or three.  Still not smoking up either, it’s been 362 days!  I am SO CLOSE to a year clean!  I’m feeling really good.  My cousin is smoking up a lot and where ever she goes she smells like weed.  I used to be like that!  Skunky and going nowhere!

One of my references told me my writing was terrific.  Made me feel good.  My Mom is really supportive of this attempt to get into graduate studies because she thinks it’s something I am really good at and that I have a good chance.  I know she’ll be sad when I leave though.  And Grandpa doesn’t want me to go.  But I have to.  I can’t stay here forever just because my family’s here, it’s limiting me.

I haven’t heard about my job yet!  Yikes!  Cross fingers!  I really need it, I’m tired of being poor.  I would be more comfortable.  Maybe even be able to get a credit card.  Which is a useful thing to have, I have some online subscriptions that I have to use my Mom’s card to pay for.  Awkward! 

I feel like I am ready to love somebody.  But maybe I shouldn’t fall in love when I am just going to leave anyway.  Although nothing in my future is certain right now.  It’s all still a big question mark.  I would have to meet someone pretty amazing to fall in love.  I have a history of amazing girlfriends with big personalities.  My first girlfriend was so different than all the rest though, kind of funny that.  Was it because she was butch?  She was so sweet.  Aw, I really loved her.  I loved them all though, in various ways. 

The cat is beside me purring, and Mister is in the middle of the bed having a snooze.  I should snuggle him and go to sleep.  I’m totally curious about what is going to happen to me in the future, I really don’t know!  My Grandmother’s having a lot of problems these days.  I know she is going to go soon.  I feel bad for her, her body is wearing out.  That’s probably the only thing that makes me feel bad about possibly leaving, not being around for her last months/years.  We were really close while I was growing up, her and my Grandpa.  Grandpa seems to be fine, his only trouble is being mostly deaf.

There are things I have to do though, with my life.  I can’t spend it all in Saskatoon.

My interview seemed to go well.  I will hear in a week come Monday if I got the job or not.  It starts at the end of February.  And it’s a Monday to Friday job, so I will be guaranteed weekends off, and during the time I work full time it’s nine days on, one day off, with that day off generally being a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday.  I will probably work full time during the summer, which would be fine, I could make lots of money and that’s a pretty good thing.

I am pretty much done all my grad application stuff!  I just need to see what Mum thinks of my paper, but I improved on it, and I have my portfolio all together, and my other writings.  It’s pretty kewl!  I got my first letter from York, just thanking me for applying and saying I am responsible for getting my things there in a timely manner.  Wednesday is the deadline! :O  I really hope Xpress Post can get everything there on time!  I’m a little worried about my transcript, I faxed the request yesterday, but I didn’t hear back from Emily Carr if they got it or if it is in the mail or what. 

I’ve got National Anthem by Lana Del Rey stuck in my head.  It’s a pretty nice song actually. 

I read an article about this producer and director trying to make a microbudget film starring Lindsay Lohan and how hellish the experience was.  OMG!  It sounded like a nightmare! 

I’m really bored of being single.  But I am not as negative about it as one of my friends is, who is always saying these terrible things about me being single and how I have to do all these extreme things to get ANY girlfriend I can possibly get!  UGH!  I hate when people assume single people are desperate.  I do have some taste you know!  And some prerequisites for someone to be intimately involved with me.  I’m looking for a big love I guess, a really sweet love story.

I was supposed to go to Regina tomorrow for some Queer performance art, but a snowstorm is descending on Southern Saskatchewan and so travel is not advised.  Crappy!  I’m gonna miss seeing my friends! 

I might go to the movies tomorrow night.  I have free Cineplex tickets.  I went out tonight with my cousin Deanna and our friend Janelle, it was pretty sweet, we had some good chats.  I drank three pepsis, because refills are free! 

My sober birthday is coming up soon, I quit smoking pot on January 18th of last year.  Next week!  Mum says we are going to have a black forest cake to celebrate it.  I asked for one.  I don’t go to NA anymore, but of all the Whatever Anonymous traditions, having a cake for your birthday is the one I relate to the most!  I am always up for cake!  Or pie!  Did you know you can make a cake that has a pie INSIDE!  It looks so decadent, I think I need to try it before I die. 

Cherry pie inside a red velvet cake! 😀

Beatrix Kitty is purring on my leg, and Little Mister is at the foot of the bed snoozing.  Tomorrow afternoon my responsibility to my grad application will be fucking OVER and I can move on with my life!  I have a bunch of stuff to do before work starts at the end of February.  If I get the job.  I need to do all kinds of things.  I will start this weekend.  No rest for the wicked.

I wonder if I will get my artist fee tomorrow?  I really want to buy a hard drive, there’s a portable 1tb harddrive at Neural Net for only 120 bucks or so.  It would be nice to be able to move stuff off my computers and have it easily on hand at the same time.

I really want something sexy or romantic to happen in my life soon.  Or both sexy AND romantic!  It’s not gonna happen though.

I got my York Student number, so I filled out my supplementary form and included the emails of my references.  Supposedly in two days or so they will get an email with a link to the form they have to fill out for my reference.  I also got to specify in the form that I am applying to the Screenwriting stream of the MFA in Film program.  I felt a bit relieved because when I applied earlier it just let me choose film, and I had a little anxiety that they would assume Production.  Anyway, yadda yadda yadda!  I have one week left before I want to get ABSOLUTELY everything in the mail.  That means working doubly hard on my stupid paper.

Then we went to Staples this afternoon so I could get some brass brads for my screenplay and Mum could get sign making supplies for the flash mob tonight.  While I was wandering around looking for my mom my phone rang.  It was X Corporation!  They called me in for an interview! 😀  It is Monday in the early afternoon! I have to fill out an official application form when I get there, including three work related references, and I have to bring in my health card and drivers license so they can do a criminal record check.  I also need new pants, because the pants I have now are all jeans with ripped hems at the ankles.  Or blue coloured jeans.  And my pinstripey pants are too tight and hurt when I wear them and make me spill out like a split sausage.  I don’t mind being a sausage, I just don’t think it’s profesh to look distressed in that way during an interview.  So, new pants!

Dressy pants!

I’m terribly excited.  I really want a part time job that pays 26 dollars an hour!  That would be insanely awesome!

I’m also excited about grad school.  I really feel like I have a strong chance.  I picked references who really know me and my work, I have good examples of my writing, I am able to get a special admissions process because of my disability and how it impacted my grades.  I think I would do really well in the program.  I’m always writing anyway, I like writing.  It would be nice to have school work that doesn’t require having to book equipment all the time to complete it.  I could just spend as much time as I wanted on my laptop writing writing writing!  That’s fun!  And coming up with the story is fun, I really like that part.  I like going for walks and thinking too.  Even if it’s just around the block.

The only thing that sucks is I keep hearing scary stories of sexual assaults at York on campus.  I hope I have a safe time there, should I get in.

What else?  Oh I dunno.  I’m thinking of someone romantically again, and it’s not the best idea to ponder such notions.  Even if she does love me too.  Because she doesn’t want to be with me.  And I can’t keep hanging on to nothing.  I guess I am just going there because there’s no one else I am currently interested in who is an actual possibility.  It’s so weird, I can get over someone really fast sometimes, and other times it just DRAGS OUT FOR YEARS~!  I guess those are the times I am in love.  It’s just that it would be nice to be in love for years with someone who actively loves me back and likes being with me and realizes my worth.  Instead of this shit.  I just think I’m going to be single until I am on my feet in Toronto and in school and meeting people through friends and so forth.  I’m not going to meet anyone in Saskatoon.  I’m too much of a weirdo for this town and too many people think weird things of me from when I had my addictions and so on, like my major manic episode and shit like that.  And I live with my mom here.  No one wants a girlfriend who lives with their mom.  And I’m not even famous here, I was more famous in Vancouver.  People recognized me on the street.  Here I am just some Cuthand weirdo.

Anyway, I need to do something nice for myself.  I’ve decided if I get this fancy job I am getting a leather jacket and a new tattoo.  I’ve put off the Industrial piercing for now, because I think that would make wearing a headset hurt.  And that would suck.

OH!  So anyway, we went to the Flash Mob Round Dance at Circle Centre Mall tonight!  Mum came and she had an Idle No More sign!  A news report said 1800 people were there!  It was awesome!  I had a good time!  I like feeling involved in a revolution.  I feel like there’s a chance we could get somewhere! 

Maybe that optimism is just something that is spilling into the rest of my life.  Good things are happening.  The other good thing if I get this job is I’ll be able to save up money for moving to Toronto to go to school, including cash to buy things like a cheap desk and couch and various household items.  There’s an IKEA near residences sort of.  It’s the one with the monkey in the parking lot!

I’m not going out very much anymore.  Not since I quit drinking.  I feel like I need to get out more again. 

The other good thing is I finally got my hair cut and I look like a cute respectable human being again!  It makes me feel good!

If I had a girlfriend again, I don’t know what I would do.  I feel like I have forgotten all the girlfriendly things I used to do.  I remember buying flowers for girls, and funny books, and erotica, and making crepes in the morning, and going to greasy spoons for breakfast, and holding hands and kissing in the street and forgetting to worry about it because my girlfriend was so cute, and making supper together, and curling up in bed and watching movies, and having sex to music.  Hmm, and going out to movies and leaning in close to each other.  And watching my last girlfriend be mean to the waiter because he kept hitting on her while we were talking and she got pissed off.  That’s the only circumstance I approve of being mean to the waiter by the way.

This is the first post of 2013!  It’s been almost nine years of having this blog!  Wow! 

Well, Sober New Years Eve went well, three cousins came over before they went off to their parties, so we hung out and ate nibblies and drank pop and stuff.  I had some virgin mojitos which were good.  We set off fireworks!  Kristjan was at our house and he cried when the fireworks were over because he wanted more!  I had my special bath and visualized all the negativity of 2012 being washed away.  I also smudged the house.

Midnight passed uneventfully, Mum had gone to bed before then.  Around 1am I went to bed too.  Little Mister came with me.  At four he got up and went off to forage around for snacks and then go to Mum’s bed.  I heard him jump jump jumping and I remembered I left a Terry’s Chocolate Orange on an end table, so I got up totally naked to go get it before Mister got poisoned.  As I was walking down the hallway I started hearing the sound of someone making whimpering noises like they were trying to scream.  Steven has a lot of night terrors so I thought maybe it was him and he was sleepwalking.  I stopped and listened and they got louder and louder until finally Mum let out this unearthly bloodcurdling scream of terror!  It freaked the shit out of me, it sounded like she was being murdered!  I thought maybe it was because she saw my shadow walking down the hall, so I yelled back to reassure her “Are you okay Mom?”  She was awake by then and said “Oh it was terrible!”  Little Mister gave up his jump jump jumping and went to her room to comfort her.  Even the cat got up and went to her room, all of them sleeping around her trying to make her feel better.  The next morning I asked her what she was dreaming about and she said she dreamt she was cuddling a small animal when a sheet went over her head and something jumped on her.  She was trying to kick it off and she had been reading Harry Potter before bed, so she thought it was a Blast Ended Skrewt.  Then she started trying to scream and her scream woke her up.

So that was a bizarre way to ring in the New Year.  I certainly didn’t like hearing Mom sound so terrified, I felt so bad for her!  Nightmares suck.  I thought she was on her back when it happened because that’s when I get nightmares like that, but she was on her side.  Scary!  None of us is safe from the Night Mare!

I did a lot of tidying on New Year’s Eve, I did all my laundry and most of the dishes and picked up and swept the living room.  I tried to clean my room, but there’s a lot of stuff in there.

I’m happy I am going into 2013 with no stds and no active addictions.  I’ve been smoke free for 30 days now!  I do need to do a lot of work starting tomorrow, my grad application is due relatively soon, and I need to get my stuff to York before mid month, because that’s when a bunch of blockades might go up and that could possibly affect my mail/couriered stuff.  I’m going to get my portfolio sent this week.  I also have to redo my paper, and edit some of my admissions writings like my statement of interest.  And I have to wait until I get my York Student ID so I can sign onto MyFile and get recommendation form links to my references. 

I’m so sleepy!  I’m happy not to be hungover though.  I’ve gotten smash drunk every New Years Eve since 1997!  That’s a long time!

I also realized it was the anniversary of me realizing I am a big ole lezbo!  20 years!!! Holy crapadoodle!  That’s a long time!

I figured out my resolutions, they all have to do with money so it’s kind of boring.  I need to start calling places I owe money to and see how much a minimum payment would be.  Blah blah blah!  Boring boring boring.

Christmas has come and gone!  It was alright at our house.  There is currently some drama going on in my family that I am not at liberty to discuss, but it’s troubling me.  I need to get away from this house and hang out with some other folks.  I sort of care and I sort of don’t care and it’s bothersome.  It’s insulting me, which is possibly the biggest thing that’s pissing me off because it’s about racism and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  I hate racists. 

ANYWAY!  I have to get back to working on my grad application.  I have to do some more things.  Mom put money on her Visa today, so tomorrow I will FINALLY be able to fill out the online portion of the grad application.  The bulk of what I have worked on will get mailed late next week.  The deadline is coming up, January 16th!  Yikes!  I’m pretty excited though, and I feel like I am on track.

I was sober for my first Christmas!  I made it through the whole holiday without getting smashed or even having a sip.  Pretty awesome!  And you know, even though drinking was so ingrained in my Christmases previous, I didn’t actually miss it this year.  I didn’t even really think about it!

My next sober milestone is coming up quick, the first Sober New Years Eve!  I have to come up with a new way of celebrating the start of a new year.  I am gonna have a candy bathmelt bath with candles and incense, and get in pyjamas, and read my tarot cards, and drink something yummy without booze, and eat chips and dip or something.  It should be pretty nice.  I hope I have a good time.  I don’t know who else will be there.  I might get sparkling apple cider for midnight too, that always feels fun!

Anyway, life really changed quite majorly for me this past year!  I quit drugging and drinking, I got a driver’s license, I decided to go back to school, I made some money, I was poor, I applied for some jobs, and at the end of the year I got selected for an assessment which I passed for a job that pays a minimum of 26 dollars an hour!  I also went to Germany for five weeks, saw a red light district, lived within my means during the time I was there, got a grant, made a video, and submitted that video to a famous film festival in Germany that I have attended over a decade ago.  It’s all looking up for me really.  Sure, I am still living with my Mom and people judge that, but I’m doing really really well for the first time in a long time.  I feel like I am prepared for some of these good things which could happen next year.  If I get into grad school, I should be making enough money with my RA/TA/GA and my band funding to be able to afford life in Toronto for two years or whatever.  So I am feeling pretty positive.  And the residences let you have pets, so Mister and Beatrix will be able to come with me. 

I’m also really happy that I am on the lowest amount of meds I have been on in a long time.  I’m happy to be stable without needing to be drugged to the gills.  And having a sex drive again is really nice, I missed it.  I feel like I will be stable during the next few crucial years of doing school.  Should I get in.

And if I don’t get into school, hopefully I will have a job I am good at that pays well to keep me afloat for the next couple years until I can get into school.  It’s all good!

I’m really tired.  Dramatic few days.  I need to get back to worrying about my life and my future.  And I need to work on this damned paper!  Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!  I’ve got to just sit down and DO IT! 

I wonder when X Corporation will get back to me about doing an interview, or do an interview on the phone or something.  Mum says next year.  That’s six days away!  Seven actually, I doubt they will call on the first!

Anyway, I’m ready to snooze!  I called the Prime Minister’s office about meeting with Chief Theresa Spence, a real person answers!  Then she sends you to the voicemail!  It was awesome!  I felt engaged with democrazy.  OMG!  That was totally a typo, but it really is what Canada has right now!

Idle No More is making me feel amazing!  I attended the flash mob round dance in Midtown Plaza last night, me and 2000+ other people!  Taking over a public space and making it our own was so moving, it gave me a great sense of pride in what our community can accomplish together!  And then today I went to the rally/round dance by the Bessborough.  That was exciting too, there were a lot of people, it didn’t give me the same thrill as the flash mob, but it did feel good to stand there with people praying and talking and drumming.  I saw a lot of people I know, which made me happy. 

I’ve been on a high for a while now, since I found out about possibly getting a job at X Corporation and then also with this hype for Idle No More!  I feel like we can turn Canada around, like we can wrest control of our country away from the conservatives and make it our home again!  And I also feel like just maybe I can get out of my own personal poverty.

I’ve been really frustrated recently with feeling like I am in a rut.  Not having a stable job was really bumming me out, and being on social assistance, as nice as it is to have a safety net, is a little bit depressing.  I think that’s only because there is stigma about people on social assistance, especially if you are a POC and ESPECIALLY if you are First Nations.  There is this idea that you are lazy and useless if you need government assistance.  And then people bitch about being taxpayers and how you’re using their money and blah blah blah.  It really inflames some people. 

BUT even beyond the whole job/no job/social assistance thing, I also feel like I am in a rut just based on living with my mom and cousin who does disruptive things when he is drunk, and not having a girlfriend, and having not gotten a grant from Canada Council for the last three times I have applied.  I feel in a rut emotionally and with my film career.  I feel like I am really needing to grow out of this awkward phase I am in.  I don’t want children, so that’s not hanging over me.  Whew!  But being single is really getting to me.  I miss sex with someone else.  And if I get this job maybe I can move out of my dysfunctional home.  I really hate living with an alcoholic.  If he was working on himself that might be easier, but he is not, and at the same time he is acting like he quit drinking already.  He’s all proud of himself, even though he keeps getting drunk these days.  It’s bizarre.  Talk about living in denial.

Quitting my addictions this year has been really positive for me though.  Maybe the rut I am talking about is my growth plateauing.  I had so many good things happen for me when I quit drugging and drinking.  Like my driver’s license.  And going to Germany.

But I do need to get ahead.  Since this is the solstice and the beginning of the next Mayan age, I may as well start on what I want to achieve this next year:
Get a job.
Save money.
Pay off debts.
Do my taxes.
Get into Grad School.
Move to Toronto.
Live in Grad Residences.
Get a girlfriend.

That’s all I want to have happen. I would be happy if my next year worked out like that.  I’ll hear in April if I get into Grad school, if not I will apply in the fall for my feature film funding, again.  In the regular section.  I’ve never gotten a grant in the Aboriginal Section.  I think it’s cursed.

I’m worried Steven will pick one of my work nights to get really drunk and disruptive in the middle of the night, and I will be fucked for sleep and have to work the next day and be really bad at it.  I don’t know.  That’s one of the reasons I might move out if I get my job.  I would save more money if I stayed here, but I really hate Steven.  So maybe having the opportunity to get the hell out of here would be a good thing.  It would suck for Mum though, because then she couldn’t afford to keep her house.  She would have to get another roommate.  And I don’t know if anyone could stand living with Steven.  But I guess that isn’t my problem.

I’ve done a lot of work on my grad application.  I just need to review and make some changes and then whip this paper up into something more professional!  I got my last reference letter writer, so that is good!  They are all women and all tenured professors! 😀

I also had some really REALLY good news this week!

I had applied for this Customer Service Representative at X corporation back in November.  I heard they were doing their hiring process in December, so when I didn’t hear anything for over the first two weeks in December I gave up.  I thought it was just another case of being ignored.  BUT THEN yesterday afternoon my gmail app on my iPhone went “ding!” and I checked it and I had an invitation from X corporation to complete a web based assessment.  They said they encouraged me to do it now, but I had until December 31st.  So I waited until Steven’s son left this evening and went in and logged on. 

It was really complex.  First they asked me for basic information.  Then they had me go to a virtual call centre, where a little computer generated dude gave basic training in their system and then a practice call.  Then I had to do some virtual calls for which I was being assessed.  I think I made two mistakes.  It was interesting.  Then I had to answer a multiple choice portion of the assessment on responses to customer’s statements.  THEN the hardest part came, which was all these mathematical questions which I had to solve and answer.  I was worried I was just fucking up.  BUT THEN!!!!! I got a screen that said “Congratulations!  You have successfully completed this portion of the hiring process.  A recruitment person will be in touch with you on the next step!”  So I PASSED! 😀  Now it’s down to the interviews!  I don’t know when they will do them.  Christmas is coming up pretty quick, so they might take time off and get back to me in the New Year, when everyone has done the assessment.  I am trying to remember the hiring process for Sasktel, which is another Crown Corporation and had a lot of the same benefits.  I think the next step was a telephone interview.  And then an in person interview.

I really hope I get it.  The pay is amazing and they have good benefits.  And this time I don’t have active addictions fucking me over and making me waste money and time and so forth.  I think I could be a really good employee.

Another nice thing happened.  I sent an email to an ex after being suspicious of something I thought she did while we were together, I mean, it was a really nice thing for her to do because it helped me move on from something traumatic.  Anyway, she sent me back an email confirming my suspicions, and she was actually really friendly and nice.  I appreciated it.  So that was nice.  It made me feel a bit better.  She and I have had such a tumultuous history.  I guess that’s what happens when you know someone for 18 years.  God, I can’t believe I’m so old!

I’m in a pretty good mood.  I’ve been so excited ever since I passed the assessment tonight.  I have to go to bed now.  I think I will write in my journal.  I am still waiting for a cheque that I haven’t gotten, I am dubious as to whether I will get it before Christmas or not.  Which kinda sucks, because I won’t be able to get many presents then.  I only bought for two people.  Oh well, I kinda think the presents thing is overrated, and I know I will only get two anyway. 

Life is up and down.  Sometimes it is really sad and sometimes it is really happy.  So strange.  I guess I will find out in January if I have a job.  I’ll keep you updated.  The best part is that the starting wage is 26 dollars an hour!  I don’t know how many hours I will get though.  It’s permanent part time though, not casual, which is good, I hate casual work and being on call.  I like having a set schedule.

Anyway, Steven is drunk again, as usual, and sprayed some really rank cologne in the living room and I think I am allergic to it so I should go to bed.  Good night!

I haven’t posted in a while and there was one major change in our home life.  Arthur the Golden Retriever was euthanized last Saturday.  The day before he didn’t want to eat, he was throwing up even though he had next to nothing in his stomach and he was having a hard time getting up.  We took him to the vet and they kept him for a few hours and did some tests.  Then they sent him home and he wasn’t allowed to eat the rest of the day.  The next morning was no better, and he was eleven so Mum called the vet and made arrangements for him to be euthanized.

I went with him and Mum.  He was given several sedatives that made him super sleepy and then one giant needle.  He passed away very peacefully, breathing out one last big sigh and kicking his back leg out to get more comfortable.  And then he was gone.

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I would get so mad at him but all in all he was a good dog, and sweet, and now he is no more.  I miss him.  Since then we have been adjusting, Hermione cried when he left for half an hour.  And then she was a little unsettled for a few days.  Now she is getting used to it just being her and Mister.  I’m gonna feel bad when I take Mister away in the fall.  She’ll have no one.  Mum made me promise not to let her get another dog for a year.  She’s worried she will make a poor decision if she gets one too soon.  I think she should get another dachshund, or a corgi, something Hermione’s size that she can play with, in a year. 

We’ve discovered we can leave food on the counters again.  It’s been wild, leaving butter bowls on the counter and no one stealing them.  But there is also no one big enough to lick out the pots, or intimidating enough for us to leave the doors unlocked.  So things have changed.  No one eats our snotty kleenexes anymore either.

So I have to talk about him, because he was a big part of our lives.  And I will end this part of the blog with a pic of him.

Arthur Cuthand is dead, Long Live King Arthur!

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I’ve been going on Tumblr a lot lately, you can find me there at thirzac.tumblr.com.  I mostly reblog things I find interesting, but some of it is kewl so maybe you want to take a peek.

Fitofpique.tumblr was taken.  I tried!

I made sugar cookies on Friday with Shavonne.  It took a long time.  For some reason every time my Mom walked into the kitchen, I’d just be sitting there doing nothing and Shavonne would be busy working, and she thought I was just being a lazy bones but really I was busy!  Just not at the times she walked in, for whatever reason.  We made all kinds of cookies, wreaths, deer, santa, lights, snowmen, angels, on and on!  And then we made butter icing in four different colours and used all these sprinkles and made pretty cute cookies.  They were also really yummy cookies.  All of them have been eaten.  They didn’t last long!  I have half the dough in the freezer so I can make more!

I’m busy with my grad application still.  I don’t know if I should concentrate on writing a new paper or if I should just use an already written one.  This evening I went on a desperate search and found all my files from my first iMac I used in my undergrad on a CD.  I tried to open it in my laptop, but it kept getting spit out.  I tried it on Mum’s computer and it worked.  I copied them all and then looked through the various folders.  It was arranged very neatly, not like my files now, I could learn something from that.  Anyway, I found an old paper about A Streetcar Named Desire which I wrote in my third or fourth year but was from a 100 class.  I’m not sure it’s up to snuff.  I got a really good mark on it, but it is from a 100 class.  Soooooo, hmm.  I’m getting Mom to read it.  If I can concentrate on my other work I need to do for this grad application, that would be the best.  I’m worried I’m spending too much time trying to write an academic paper, and that the rest of my application is lacking.  I have two reference letter writers chosen, I just need one more.  And I have to work on my Statement of Intent more.  And get together my portfolio.  AND write 500 words on how my disability has impacted my grades.  So there is still a lot to be done. 

Anyway, I am really tired, so I am going to go to sleep.  OH!  But before I do, I have to tell you about the spirits who visited me in my dreams last night.

I was in a divey bar and Jasmine walked in!  I asked her what it was like to be dead, and she said people talk to you so you break open.  I’m not sure what that means, but it’s rife with possibilities!  Then Arthur walked by on his hind legs, wearing glasses, a fedora, and a trenchcoat.  Strangeness!